Image via Miguelito
Miguelito is seeking restitution from the Premier League for denying Eze’s legitimate free kick.
Set Piece is a bi-weekly football column by Miguelito. Or, rather, a series of stochastic critiques and paeans that document individual and team performances, pop-culture movements of footballers, transcendental memes and the sport’s sometimes depraved intersections with the political and social.
’24/’25 Premier League Final Table
We’re only four match days into the Premier League season and it’s far too early to make substantive claims. It’s already been revealed that five is the best number for sober analysis and acceptable braggadocio (“You ain’t did it ‘til you done it like in FIVE states”). Many are rightfully questioning the frequency of international breaks, but this last one gave me some time to collate the data and opening stanzas I’ve seen the first few weeks.
1. Arsenal
It will happen this year. Mikel Arteta’s journey from Pep Guardiola’s apostle to his Luciferian challenger culminates with a dethroning before the Manchester City skipper can win a fifth title in a row. Last year Arsenal had a three match slump at the end December. If they can avoid that, or any more unnecessary early season draws, they’ll lift the trophy in May.
2. Liverpool
I liked what I saw from Liverpool over the first few games. It’s fascinating to watch players who were forged in the pistons of Klopp’s octane tactics play with more restraint under Arne Slot. They don’t look like they’ll concede as many goals this year, but I don’t think that will push them to another title just yet. The stoic (good kind) explanations Slot’s given make me think they’ll be pushing Arsenal in the way I thought Manchester City would late into the season. The May 10th fixture at Anfield vs. Arsenal could be what decides the title race.
3. Manchester City
The return of Ilkay Gundogan is a net positive for Manchester City and fans of high quality names. The reigning, and record-breaking, Premier League Champions won’t slip up much and will probably go on another run similar to the nine game winning streak that finished out last season. I don’t think the weight of the Alvarez transfer will be felt until the new year. They’ve been on fire to start the season, but the precision and talent of the sides surrounding them is more capable of matching their level this year.
4. Aston Villa
Aston Villa will still make easy work of most teams in the table this season. The added Champions League schedule might prove a bit too much considering the loss of Douglas Luiz and the potential of Ollie Watkins neutralization in the absence of another scorer. Chelsea (or dare I say, Brighton??) could knock them out. But, if players like Bailey can stay healthy and Onana produces in the manner in which he’s capable, they’ll maintain their Champions League position.
5. Chelsea
Chelsea’s season won’t be as rocky as last campaign’s in the final assessment, but it’ll still feel like a tempest while it’s happening. They’ll have results like the 6-2 victory at Wolves, but could also drop points in a similar fashion against, say, West Ham in a few weeks. They will be…better. Still, a surging Brighton could keep them out of Europe next season.
6. Brighton & Hove Albion
Brighton are probably the most impressive team these first few matches by comparison to last season. There was dip with the added strain of European competition last year, but the Birds will return to the continent next season. Fabian Hürzeler is only 31 years old (young by Premier League manager standards) and I hope he does well after his stint at St. Pauli. More importantly, he gives me hope that I’m not too young to be hired on as the manager of a South Coast side. Bournemouth…if you decide to move on from Iraola, which I wouldn’t recommend, I am available for managerial duties.
7. Tottenham Hotspur
It will start to click for Spurs soon. They made a great move in signing Dominic Solanke. Solanke isn’t the kind of player who creates space so much as exploits it, even when he’s forced into a crawlspace by defenses. Son, Maddison, Johnson, Bissouma, 2023-2024 highest scoring Premier League defender Christian Romero. They should be higher up the table already, but they won’t finish the season in 13th. They could also sweeten their accolades by giving a team the loss that prevents them from winning the League, though their best chance at that might’ve been this past weekend hosting Arsenal.
8. Manchester United
Manchester United could scrape by or could continue their “plummet” away from consistent Champions League inclusion. I’m leaning towards the former though. It would have happened last year if a true fall was in the cards, when their goal differential ended on -1. But they were able to get all the right points when they needed them last year and they’ll do it again. Eighth seems reasonable. It’s the same place they finished at the conclusion of the 23/24 season, but it’ll look better in the final analysis. Zirkzee was an astute signing and, as long as they keep their goal differential in check (0 at time of publication), there won’t be any further dip in table position. That won’t be enough for Erik ten Hag to keep his job though.
9. Crystal Palace
I realize it’s odd to put a success story at ninth. It’s only one place ahead of their finishing spot last campaign and still just above middle of the pack. Crystal Palace lost Olise and Ayew, but Eberechi Eze has shown he has more than enough ability to swing a match in their favor (Look at his movement on this goal in their draw with Chelsea). I think Nketiah will be a great outlet for Eze’s chance creation. If a couple of their shots are a few inches to the left or lower, or properly counted as goals, Palace could be near the European competition seats in the adolescent table.
10. Newcastle
Newcastle will return to mid-table position. The spark has left Eddie Howe’s side, who soared into 4th a couple seasons ago, and their injuries and lack of defensive signings will keep them from replicating that success. It was a good result beating Tottenham and the comeback at Wolves was impressive, but they should’ve lost against Bournemouth and Newcastle is not the same team away from home.
11. Bournemouth
Dominic Solanke has moved to Tottenham, but the goals keep coming. They were robbed of a win versus Newcastle, and might finish one spot below them, but there’s no shortage of positivity for Bournemouth this season. Semenyo, Kluivert and Tavernier up front will give plenty of entertainment for the Cherries’ faithful and maybe give them a decent FA Cup run. It’s tough to crack the top ten in the Premier League.
12. Fulham
Fulham are a well-tended ship and will quietly do well. They’ll be able to keep their talent under wraps in a way that Crystal Palace is no longer able to. Teams won’t be going after Fulham in the same way and that will allow them more tactical freedom, with Smith Rowe taking the midfield reins and Reiss Nelson helping secure clutch points down the wing. A comfortable season by comparison to those just below them.
13. Brentford
I think they’ll be okay without Ivan Toney, but don’t know if they’ll be able to scrape up the table much because of the competition ahead of them. It’s not for a lack of quality in coaching or squad though. They’re sitting in 6th right now because of it, but that goal differential (only 0) worries me.
14. West Ham
Was excited about their signings but, after a look at the first few games, I’m unsure of their ability to keep pace with the teams 10th-13th. Nothing terrible—I believe we’ll see some really nice football from them in patches—but not enough to get them back into Europe. Wan Bissaka is a great signing.
15. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Losing Pedro Neto will hurt them, despite Hwang and Cunha being reliable contributors to the attack. If there’s any “surprise” team that could flirt with relegation this season, it’s Wolves. As it stands, they’ll fall just below their previous campaign.
16. Nottingham Forest
They’ll stick around for ‘25/’26, but are always dangling above the pit, which isn’t the best environment to produce engaging football. Forest have had relatively easy fixtures so far compared to the next five on their slate.
17. Everton
Everton will stay up, maybe by a sliver of a point. Without the points deduction they would’ve been 12th last year, but they don’t look good defensively after the first couple matches and are more vulnerable at home than they have been in a while. Sean Dyche probably won’t be the manager by the start of 2025 but that doesn’t necessarily translate to success.
18. Ipswich
19. Southampton
20. Leicester City
It feels lazy to pick the three Championship sides from last season, but it’s hard to see any of the teams that came up sticking around for another. The battle from 10th-15th has too much solidity. The teams in that cluster have had such a head start building their squads and culture, even across managers, that I don’t see one of these three teams scaling up their Championship success. (There’s a greater point about financial disparity and its infrastructural consequences potentially “freezing out” the possibility of a side like Brentford or Brighton becoming new staples in the Premier League, but I’ll have to save that for another column) Perhaps Ipswich will just push out Everton or Forest or Wolves, but I don’t see that happening when the final whistle goes at the end of May.
Champions League Draw Postscript
If you’re not familiar, the Champions League will feature a different format this year. It’s relatively easy to understand. Thirty-six teams, each one plays eight different opponents (half home, half away) with the top eight performers in that “league phase” automatically advancing to the knockout rounds. 9th-24th will have a two-leg playoff to determine the other eight teams in the knockout stage, then it’s the standard elimination tournament that returning fans will recognize.
If there’s going to be a league draw, there should be some spectacle around it and UEFA obliged. On August 29th, Virgin Media Sport premiered the UEFA Champions League Phase Draw on its YouTube channel. The draw took place in Monaco—one of the few modern city-states, each known for their own flavor of tax evasion or suitable climate for waiting out statutes of limitation—and featured a crowd of team owners, executives and, I’m assuming, at least a few suits-in-training. After Katherine Jenkins sang the Champions League anthem, drawing the compulsory applause of a crowd that feels it’s above anything except Business, the presentation began. Most questions about the new Champions League format were logistical: “What happened to the group stage?” “How do they determine who will play who? etc.” UEFA attempted to head them off by preparing an explanatory video that played during the presentation. It featured appearances from UEFA President Aleksander Čeferin, Gianluigi Buffon and a perturbed Zlatan Ibrahimovic. In the realm of corporate explainers, it’s pretty standard. Stilted delivery, credit card commercial lighting and an attempt at a tongue-in-cheek, metatextual tone that acknowledges its own corporate-speak but has no chance of transcending the phoniness.
Right before the video played though, Čeferin, after presenting the annual UEFA President’s Award to Gigi Buffon, handed out another trophy, one that might only be given once or twice in our lifetime. Cristiano Ronaldo walked on stage to receive the award for “All-Time Top Scorer” in the Champions League, with 140 goals in 183 appearances. The only other person who even clears triple digits in the category is Lionel Messi with 129 goals.
The draw premiered on YouTube so, naturally, a live chat will indulge its tendencies at the appearance of one of the two players around whom much of the marketing for world football has revolved for the last twenty years. There were accounts declaring Messi the best footballer as soon as Ronaldo took the stage, their comrades spamming “Penaldo”—insinuating that Ronaldo’s goal numbers are inflated because of penalties—and the Portuguese striker’s fans strapping on armor to fight back for their sports icon, perhaps the most accepted form of parasocial relationships for men.
It’s in those moments when the dichotomy of Messi vs. Ronaldo feels suffocating. To be fair, it’s a live chat and you expect the worst, regardless of the platform. It feels like a dated phenomenon though, arguing over these two players. Both men are past their peaks and currently play in leagues that are generally understood to feature less challenges for world class players. But that framework is still operative when speaking to people in physical spaces.
It would especially bother me when I was coaching soccer teams. It didn’t matter if the players were amateur or experienced, the questions were the same: “Ronaldo or Messi, which one is the goat?” “You gotta pick one!” The gut reaction is, unfortunately, reaction. If you’re not careful, you’ll believe the worst, that your own generation was de facto more enlightened or thoughtful or attentive to the nuances of the game when you were their age. Even if we assume that’s true (it’s not) there could be no other place for them to adopt that framework except from listening to adults and the media apparatuses that reproduce the debate. Every obnoxious uncle, most Ballon d’Or discussions since 2008 and the omnipresence of media-marketing fusions weigh on their minds like a bifurcated nightmare. Kids aren’t the main ones arguing in the premiere of the Champions League draw. They’re watching Kai Cenat or a niche Minecraft SMP or someone halfway across the world playing Dress to Impress. They aren’t the primary consumers of the media from which the Ronaldo-Messi hegemony originates, but they’re still having their opinions structured by content creators on platforms like Twitch and YouTube who buy into that lens. (While I don’t assume any malice or manipulation on his part, one quirk of YouTuber iShowSpeed’s rise to prominence was being a Ronaldo superfan and playing off the rivalry. He’s only 19 himself and was likely subject to the same framing.)
We can speculate about how it originated, but we don’t have to look hard to find what sustains it. Sprinkled among the platitudes shared on the stage in Monaco was this from UEFA President Čeferin: “If we think about Champions League, if we think about the Euros, we think about Cristiano.” Then to further emphasize his point he says, “If we think about football, we think about Cristiano.”
This isn’t intended to be a critique against Ronaldo as a person (though I have no qualms with that) but more the sine qua non nature he and his Argentinian counterpart have assumed in popular football discourse the last two decades. To those who’ve succumbed to that beast, even briefly suggesting Ronaldo has imperfections is the same act as burning incense at Messi’s altar. (We can talk about Messi. He plays for Argentina’s national team, which can come with some, let’s say, ideological predilections.)
I’m not interested in litigating any personal shortcomings. The fact I had to hedge myself and gesture toward flaws in both “the goats”—because Ronaldo receiving an award happened to be the germ of this section—is the sticky part. What can we learn about hegemonic discourse in sports writ large that Messi vs. Ronaldo is a main prism through which people feel they can meaningfully engage with a sport? How much of it is genuine, in the sense that it comes from the natural desire of people to discuss who’s better, and how much do technologies or modes of communication and the conglomerates that own them mold the manner in which we speak about them?
This column appears on an admittedly niche website. Even more so for sports writing. Maybe all “websites” are niche now. They’re too spatial and require more of you than you can take from them. Platforms are the main mediums by which we engage—not websites—and you can endlessly siphon from a platform. They have that same propulsive quality their name suggests. They are designed to keep you moving from place to place. If you fixate too long, you can’t ignore its residual cognitive smog, so it has to keep you moving. “Just one more comment trashing Ronaldo will show them…following one more argument will reveal that final esoteric nugget of a statistic that’s eluded us…”
But platforms are how this column has an audience at all. Everyone who reads this will have found it through a platform. It’s how I find most of the contemporary writing I read. Within these limitations, within the need to engage with some platform to propagate ideas, how do you contribute to a genuine counter hegemony? You can’t suffocate the dominant paradigm by flooding socials. It helps but, without any control over the operative mechanisms, you’re ultimately trying not to get lifted into oblivion by the storm. The acquisition of Twitter has anecdotally shown how much power that really is, with reactionary spores and fascist apologia floating up and down the “For You” tab. It’s fine if platforms connect you to something. It’s good, actually. But that can’t be the end of it.
We have to find ways to speak in what Deleuze and Guattari called “minor languages” in the trenches of a Barstool-ified linguistics. We have to produce the guerilla and organic thinkers spoken of by Rodney and Gramsci, and do it for football discourse and sports discussions writ large and niche interests artistic and athletic. In one of the forwards to an early publication of “Toward a Third Cinema,” the filmmakers Fernando Solanas and Octavio Getino introduce the article by saying, “In an alienated world, culture—obviously—is a deformed and deforming product.” The same observation applies to contemporary sports and how we talk about them. Getino and Solanas did give some small guidance near the end. They propose that Third Cinema “counters the film industry of a cinema of characters with one of themes, that of individuals with that of masses, that of the author with that of the operative group…that of passivity with that of aggressions.”
I found there was an effective way to reroute the kids away from their attempts to discover if I’m a Messi or Ronaldo fan. I would ask them to name five other football players. If they could do it on the spot, we would talk about those players. If they couldn’t answer, they had fun asking their friends or other adults for help and were excited to share their final list once they’d pieced it together and ironed out how to pronounce the unfamiliar vowel combos. Maybe there will be a few kids who drift away from the absoluteness of the GOAT Dichotomy to follow the careers of lesser known players or look up highlights from Didier Drogba and the first world sensation to be called Ronaldo. Learning their names is a start.
Contrary to the President of UEFA’s claim, when I think of football, I don’t think of Ronaldo nor, I imagine, does anyone I speak with meaningfully about the sport. I think of when I was eight years old and a kid–whose name I’ve since forgotten—joined our team mid-season and turned us from a side in the red to league champions. I think about being the only person of my friend group to call Spain winning the 2010 World Cup. I think about Abdón Porte, a player for Nacional who, in 1918, shot himself one night in the middle of the field because he couldn’t maintain the form that endeared him to the fans years earlier. I don’t really mind if GOAT talk is how people want to structure their football discussions. I just want to know it’s what they want and not the regurgitation of discursive scraps thrown out to sell jerseys, Michelob Ultra and vacation packages.
