Image via William Reed
William Reed loves being a joint, it’s fantastic.
In 2010, Drake was peed on by one of T.I’.s friends in a movie theater. He did nothing about it. You might recall first hearing about the incident on Sauce Walka’s underrrated Drake diss, “Wack 2 Wack.” The incident was later confirmed on 2020’s “We Did It Big”, where Tip hilariously raps, “So drunk in LA, end up pissin’ on Drake, shit.”
Many wrote off the event as a simple accident unworthy of a response from an A-List pop star like Drake. But I can’t think of another self-respecting rapper who would’ve allowed the situation to slide without some kind of retribution. Look, I get that accidents happen, and maybe the action wasn’t purposely done to disrespect Drake. But it was nonetheless a major violation in the unwritten code of conduct. Accidental or intentional, the outcome should’ve been vengeful.
At least, that’s the outcome that would have occurred if Drake was actually who he has claimed to be. In a snippet, the “Mob Ties” rapper boasted “I should probably be in there with Thug and them.” The implication was that he’s behaved in ways worthy of being indicted on the same RICO charges as Young Thug – and yet he’s the same man who reportedly stormed out of the movie theater in a fit of rage after being peed on. This is exactly the point that Kendrick Lamar proved during the beef: Drake is a liar. For the last decade, Drake has cosplayed as an American street rapper whenever it can conveniently enhance his credibility and make him more money.
To be fair, I believe that everyone is exactly who they say they are. If well-off kids from PG County – whose parents are doctors and lawyers – want to listen to Baby Jamo and involve themselves in street politics to the point where they’re street n*ggas, then you can’t tell them they’re not street n*ggas. They’re actively in the streets and might shoot you. So if Drake wants to use his money and influence to have his security guards viciously beat people, be some sort of “Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl,” and shoot ominous music videos with high ranking Hells Angels members, then I guess for better or for worse, he’s a de facto mob boss. He’s just one who so happens to be okay with being peed on.
I’ve always been vocal about Drake’s corniness. This often left me dubbed as “a hater.” I can recall countless instances in college being deemed uncouth for what was once considered a contrarian opinion on The Lightskin Keith Sweat and his cookie-cutter suburban rap anthems. Many of my peers knew me as the “music guy” on campus, so they would often ask me my opinion of new music releases and artists buzzing at the time. Somehow, someway, the topic of Drake would always arise and I would have to fight for my life while explaining why I’m not a fan.
From 2014 to 2018, these words were almost a death sentence in popularity, especially while attending a private Christian university in Phoenix, Arizona. When my classmates were excited about WATTBA, the Future and Drake collaboration project, I was more concerned about Pluto tainting his legacy by being associated with someone as soft as Drake. Needless to say, I didn’t like the album. To me, Drake has always been the human embodiment of what I feel is wrong with my generation – specifically the men – and his music has always clearly represented these failings. It’s nothing but gossipy pillow talking and exploitatively name dropping women. He’s a character experiencing a very clear identity crisis, all while using black culture to enhance an image and yet not respecting the very same culture he borrows from.
When Drake was first getting his footing in the industry, he wore the slightly nerdy, emo nice guy gimmick on his sleeve. It was somewhat refreshing. Being yourself is cool, and at that point in his career, he wasn’t trying his best to convince his audience that he was “too slime.” After all, the facts are undisputed: Drake is a light-skinned man from Canada raised by a single white mother – a former TV star from a teen show. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but Drake was never seen as a tough or intimidating rapper compared to his contemporaries. It’s actually what made Drake such a cash cow for Cash Money. He’s a relatable and marketable rapper to Middle-America: not too violent, not too dark (physically and figuratively).
Drake is just believable enough to stand next to Lil Wayne, and just talented enough to pen and lip sync a catchy bop or two. And the approach worked. When he drops music, the world listened intently. But what most of his fans have conveniently ignored is that somehow within the last seven years, Drake went from a corny often-mocked rapper (whose music was still widely enjoyed) to a rap god who can do no wrong. And that’s when I began to vehemently disagree with the groupthink.
Before you start to claim that I’m a biased Drake hater, I can acknowledge that I’ve enjoyed plenty of his music in the past. It’s the ideal soundtrack to hanging out with a woman you don’t know very well and want to set a familiar, easygoing vibe. If you’re keeping score, my favorite Drake songs and features are “Love Me,” “Best I Ever Had,” “Stories About My Brother,” “Headlines,” “HYFR,” “Draft Day,” “10 Bands,” “Energy,” “Used to This,” and “From Florida with Love.”
The kids may say my taste in Drake songs is unc status, but I think they’re among his best. My problem is that it seemed like most people only liked Drake because they’re supposed to like Drake. They don’t take into account that they’re the target of a multi-national corporate push that uses all types of marketing strategies and playlist placements to make him ubiquitous. And give credit where credit is due: Drake and his team have done a fantastic job of marketing his music and image to the masses, leaving many people to believe that Drake is somehow one of the best rappers to ever touch a mic.
But after seeing Drake be battle tested by Pusha and most crucially Kendrick, it’s hard to believe that he was once ever considered a candidate to be the GOAT (for any reason other than sheer numbers). Let’s run the most recent feud back: “Taylor Made Freestyle” had a catchy beat, “Family Matters” had a few memorable bars, but “Push Ups” was outright embarrassing. History will remember it as the sassiest diss song of all-time, and I feel like no one has given this topic the proper attention it deserves.
As I write this, “Push Ups” has been streamed 131 million times on Spotify alone. That’s ridiculous. It’s numerically one of the most popular songs of the year and yet doesn’t get enough credit for how actually corny it is. So duty compels me to offer a lyrical breakdown of as much of his first verse as I can listen to before having to switch over to the “Touchable Freestyle” to clean my musical palate. Each bar will be rated on a sassy scale of 1-10, 1 being something close to what you may hear on a Prodigy record, and 10 being something JT and Yung Miami would use as Instagram captions. Let’s begin.
“I could never be nobody number-one fan” (9/10)
Starting off strong on the sassy meter, this line is just annoying. While I understand that this is a direct response to Future and Metro Boomin’s title track “We Don’t Trust You,” they made an entire album dissing Drake, and this is the line he chooses to respond to? Accusing Drake of being a fan of someone else clearly struck a nerve.
In 2024, social media culture has made it out to be a bad thing to be a fan, or supportive of other people. This line reminds me of the tweets I see online, mainly from women, stating that they will not follow someone who doesn’t follow them back or someone who unfollowed them because they aren’t anyone’s fan. This is extremely superficial, self-centered, and cringeworthy. As if unfollowing someone has become some sort of diss or a way of measuring where someone holds you in their life. People are too worried about things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of the world.
“Your first number one, I had to put it in your hand” (6/10)
As we all know, Drake is a widely successful artist. He’s a self-admitted pop star, which in this particular case, is exactly the point Kendrick Lamar proved. When I think of a pop star, I think of someone who’s been heavily invested in by the record label to where everything from their image to their lyrics has been carefully calculated and crafted to fit a palatable standard to the masses.
For a pop star like Drake, telling Kendrick that his first number one record was given to him isn’t really a drag. Let’s be honest, Drake doesn’t give these looks out for no reason. Drake meticulously picks what new songs he’ll hop on because the artist is usually next to blow or already very hot in the streets. Drake benefits from doing music with these upcoming artists. It’s similar to how Hov used to work with newcomers to keep him relevant. In the same way, Drake co-opts new hot flows and styles to update his sound. More importantly, I believe that the Drake feature is a way of sonning a new artist, so if they do become bigger than Drake, he’ll be able to say he played a hand. Drake giving them a push is extremely helpful, but to insinuate that Kendrick Lamar, Future, ASAP Rocky, The Weeknd, Metro Boomin, Rick Ross, and whoever else wouldn’t be where they are today without a Drake feature is laughable.
“You pussies can’t get booked outside America for nan'” (9/10)
Heavy eye-roll, heavy sigh. Drake isn’t even American. Technically, his first ever fanbase was international. Also, he was signed and coached by the-then hottest rapper in the game and one of the best rappers of all time, Lil Wayne. It automatically gave Drake a much larger and far reaching platform than someone like Kendrick (who to be fair, had a major Dre co-sign). Moreover, Drake doesn’t take political stances in his music or use his platform to cause controversy, so of course, it makes him a more safe and commercially viable artist across the world.
“I’m out in Tokyo because I’m big in Japan” (9/10)
Again, yes Drake, we know. Also, apparently this is some sort of alleged sneak diss about some girl named Tokyo who’s cool with Future and Metro. IDK. If that’s true, this is yet another example of Drake name dropping and alluding to women in his songs which is CORNY, and something he said he would stop doing. (insert clip from Yachty interview about the consequences of name dropping women in his music)
“I’m the hitmaker y’all depend on” (5/10)
It’s a gross exaggeration to say that Kendrick or any of the artists involved in the beef depend on Drake to make a hit. Even if these artists never received a number one record before or after a Drake feature, music isn’t about numbers. The mark and impact of a legendary artist has little to do with statistics. But I do understand that the music business is still a business, so why wouldn’t those artists use Drake and his corny marketability to get publishing on a hit record? Those checks are going to be fat. Getting a hit record with Drake is truly the only reason I could ever imagine someone wanting Drake to feature on their song. I don’t see many artists going to Drake for their introspective, raw, B-Side record. It’s 50/50 if Drake actually wrote his verse, especially if it’s for a rap song. Now, if someone is reaching out for Drake for a love song, he probably had something to do with writing the record, but none of the rappers in the beef seem to really care about that kind of music, hence the word RAPPER.
“Backstage in my city, it was friendzone” (9/10)
I see where he was going with this line but it fell flat on its face. This is a common troupe in rap disses to highlight a time when the two disagreeing parties last saw each other somewhere and it was all love and no beef – or maybe it wasn’t love but both parties didn’t engage in anything violent. But the way Drake characterizes this moment is exactly why I’m writing this article, it’s SASSY. Referring to anything as being in the “friendzone” is just embarrassing. But hey, it’s 2024, be who you are.
“You won’t ever take no chain off of us” (1/10)
This is the most gangsta line of the record thus far, but unfortunately, due to Drake’s history of being horsed around, it falls flat on its face once again. I just want to point out that Drake has been robbed of his jewelry before. Also, Drake, please be for real, every time you’re out and about, you’re with security whop does all of your dirty work (insert article about guy who got assaulted at Deliah’s and video of Drake’s security directing traffic).
It’s not for nothing. That’s the smart thing to do when you’re a popstar. But to make it seem as if you and your team is outside on the block, no security, outside at these events,and you’re just this touchable person holding your own strap for protection is laughable. To even compare Drake to artists such as Drakeo the Ruler, Foolio, or Young Slo-Be, who all passed away from standing on what they rapped about and being in environments where their enemies could catch up with them is absurd. The idea that no one has done anything to Drake because they’re scared is hilarious. Also, let me remind you that TI’s friend peed on Drake. That’s way worse than getting your chain snatched.
“How the fuck you big-steppin’ with a size-seven men’s on?” (10/10)
This is just an overall wack and corny diss. When I was in the 8th or 9th grade, the students used to joke with each other about having a small shoe size. There was a running childish belief that having a big shoe size means your dick is big and having a small shoe size means it’s little. This is what this line reminds me of. I thought this was a rap battle.
Do you not have anything tangible to say about Dot? This is where your mind went? I understand that Drake later in this record states that he was trying to keep these first few records “PG,” but this is still a rap battle, and just because you don’t want to scare your core audience too much doesn’t give you a pass for this Disney diss.
“This the bark with the bite, n**a, what’s up?” (8/10)
Nothing about this line or any of its preceding lines is threatening or intimidating in any way, shape, or form.
“I know my picture on the wall when y’all cook up” (4/10)
This recycled line was almost hard. A lot of rappers try to push the narrative that whoever they’re beefing with may draw inspiration from them, and that by engaging them, they’re seeking validation. In this particular case, nothing about the music Kendrick Lamar makes has any sort of parallel to Drake’s. Drake raps about being in the club with 21-year old women who aren’t old enough to recognize the classic records being played, while Kendrick raps about relevant social topics such as Black oppression and generational trauma.
Cash Cobain wrote “Calling For You,” but Drake stil used the song as if it were his own. The only picture Kendrick Lamar may have had of Drake on his wall while recording during this beef was the blackface photo of Mr. Aubrey Graham – to be used for inspiration as he was writing his colonizer bars.
“Extortion baby, whole career, you been shook up cause Top told you, “Drop and give me 50,” like some push-ups, huh” (3/10)
This should go without saying, but DRAKE IS THE LAST RAPPER TO TALK ABOUT ANYONE IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY BEING EXTORTED. All due respect to Birdman, but Birdman has been accused on numerous occasions of having dishonest business practices. Drake also has or had business dealings with J Prince of Mob Ties. Out of respect and the fact that I enjoy visiting Houston, you can use your imagination as to why this line is hypocritical. At this point in the record, it seems like Drake is swinging aimlessly.
“Your last one bricked, you really not on shit” (7/10)
Mr. Morale sold more than 286,000 units in its first week. This is far from being a brick. Especially when compared to PARTYNEXTDOOR, an artist signed to OVO, who’s new album sold 37,000 copies in the first week. Honestly, I hate how relevant numbers have become to the average listener when discussing hip-hop, but I just wanted to highlight the hypocrisy.
“They make excuses for you ’cause they hate to see me lit” (10/10)
Here we have our second ten out of ten sassy bar featured on this record. This line is an undeniable absolute embodiment of an instagram caption. If you would’ve told me that one of Drake’s instagram model friends helped him come up with this and the previous bar, I wouldn’t be one bit surprised.
“Pull your contract ’cause we gotta see the split the way you doin’ splits, bitch, your pants might rip” (10/10)
Here we have our third extremely sassy bar on this record. Again, Drake is not the one that should be trying to double down on this point. Not only is this bar sassy and extremely corny, but it’s also one of the worst bars I’ve ever heard on a diss song between two men. The way you’re doing splits, your pants might rip? Straight from the mind of Nicki Minaj.
At this point, I’ve had enough of “Push Ups.” The rest of the verse is spent with Drizzy Drake trying to make a point that Kendrick is some sort of shuck-and-jive for Taylor Swift, followed by Drake calling Kendrick a “Pipsqueak” (7/10 sassy & 10/10 corny), telling him to “pipe down” (7/10 sassy), and saying SZA, 21 Savage, and Travis Scott have him “wiped down” (9/10 sassy), whatever that means. This song is terrible.
In no particular order, here’s a list of my favorite diss songs of recent memory.
1. Drakeo the Ruler – “IngleWEIRD”
2. Sauce Walka – “Hoe Gayo”
3. Foolio – “When I See You”
4. Chris Brown – “Weakest Link”
5. Future – “Like That”
6. EBK Jaaybo – “Fly Exterminator”
7. No Plug – “First Day Out”
8. Goonew & Lil Gray – “Positive Goon”
9. Drakeo the Ruler – “Hundiddy Bop Bop”
10. Veeze – “Sexy Liar”
