Dan from the Internet is a fly in the ointment, Hans.
Everything I know about dating has come from 2 sources: John McClane in the Die Hard Franchise and hip-hop. Literally everything you need to know about the human condition, dating, romance, the female psyche can be distilled into the plot of Die Hard with A Vengeance or a 112 song. The subtle irony of Holly Gennaro-McClane not being a ride or die chick in a film franchise called Die Hard almost perfectly parallels the narrative arc of Drake’s “Hotline Bling.”
John McClane can negotiate with German terrorists for the lives of thousands of New Yorkers via a payphone, but can’t call his wife to say the words “I’m sorry”. Are John McClane, Aubrey Graham, Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn all cut from the same romantic cloth? The romantic through line of Die Hard with a Vengeance, “Hotline Bling,” and Dirty Sprite 2 is simple. Relationships are about 3 things:
1. Never saying the words “I’m sorry” or admitting guilt,
2. Always making the other person the bad guy
3. Or only showing your love through extreme unnecessary gestures i.e. killing a whole tower of German terrorists, walking across glass, or recording 5 albums in a year about how much you don’t miss her.
The next time you turn on the “Hotline Bling” video look at Drake’s dancing very very closely. My original theory was that Drake was possessed by the cloven hooves of the devil himself and was trying to open the 7th pit of hell. Buuuuuuut when you look at the video much closer is his dance eerily similar to John McClane stepping across the floor of glass to escape Hans Gruber? Did Drake stop by the Nakatomi Tower to steal John McClane’s wave right before he did that drive by of D.R.A.M? Is D.R.A.M the Reginald VelJohnson of the franchise or is he De’Veroreaux White? And is the sweater from Die Hard 2 eerily similar to the Drake sweater in the video, I’m not calling Drake a biter but the evidence is damning.
1. “you used to call me on my cell phone, late night when you need my love”
a. Is this line taken liberally from Die Hard with a Vengeance where Zeus clowns John in the precinct because he hasn’t called Holly in over a year? I mean Holly could just as easily pick up the phone, John’s saving the world on a regular basis — what’s she doing?
2. Ever since the city you, you, you, you and me we just don’t get along, you made me feel like I did you wrong, going places you don’t belong
a. THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLOT OF DIE HARD. Holly was the one that left the city. Holly and John don’t get along anymore as evidenced by Holly changing her name back to Gennaro and finally she is ALWAYS making John feel like he did her wrong. Going places where she doesn’t belong (Nakatomi Tower, California, HER EMOTIONS) is classic Holly.
“Throw Away”—the perfect love song of the 21st century—is also a direct analog to Die Hard with a Vengeance. Maybe you can’t see it, but the thematic elements are there. In the second half of the song Future is desperately trying to say the words “I’m sorry”, but he can’t because she can’t wrap her head around his infidelity long enough to see that he’d doing anything—save the world—for her. If you substitute a few simple words the whole song takes on a new layer of sophistication and depth. Replace the themes of infidelity with saving the world and suddenly the song is about John McClane and Holly.
1. Gone **** that ***** get it over with…The ***ing on a late night mean that much to you. My love don’t mean that much to you. ******* these **** mean too damn much to you. I just hoping when you **** another ***** when he finished he can say that he love you. Now do you feel better about yourself…Do you feel better that I left.
2. Gone take that job get it over with…The saving the world meant that much to you. My love don’t mean that much to you. Saving the world mean to damn much to you. I just hoping when you take another job when it’s finished they can say that they love you. Now do you feel better about yourself…Do you feel better that I left
Mark my words, I’m gone save the world without you. John McClane and Future are one in the same. Two men who can’t communicate with their significant others long enough to say “I’m sorry”, but can communicate with terrorists and legions of fans.
Two men who have found clever ways to make their spouse the victim, but also whose spouses both don’t realize the depth of their loved ones pain. John McClane and Future both made EXTREME gestures to their loved ones all in an effort to hide the fact they don’t know how to say sorry. Future made 5 albums in a year dedicated to his failed marriage and John McClane saved his wife’s life from terrorists twice and still both of these women weren’t willing to be ride or die hard chicks.
We’ll never know if Ciara has seen Die Hard with a Vengeance and maybe if she had she’d understand that Future is human. We’ll never know if the girl from “Hotline Bling” or “Marvin’s Room” understood that Drake’s communication problems via telephone are systematic of rugged men everywhere. So the next time you’re wondering about the complexities of love. Look to John McClane for guidance.
