Torii MacAdams got new business cards
Drake – “Back To Back”
Every rapper can be mocked, but most do a better job of disguising their flaws than Drake, who frolics about with reckless abandon, entirely unaware of the “Kick Me” sign taped to his back. Drake’s weaknesses are both artistic and inextricably personal–he’s a mediocre, wholly unoriginal rapper from an ice floe called Toronto, and will forever be remembered as Wheelchair Jimmy from Degrassi thanks to reruns on Nickelodeon. And that’s merely an abridged version of his career.
The most searing bit of criticism Drake can offer on “Back To Back” is that Meek Mill is less successful than his girlfriend, Nicki Minaj. Going after your opponent’s sense of manhood is fair game in rap beef, but in the grand scheme of insults, impugning Meek Mill’s relatively modest success is merely a glancing blow. Because Twitter is a cesspool of ill-considered (at best) opinions, it appears Drake has already won in the eyes of the public thanks to the less-than-stellar one-two combination of “Charged Up” and “Back To Back,” and the understandably tepid response to Meek’s counterpunch “Wanna Know.”
https://soundcloud.com/djfunkflexapp/meek-mill-feat-quentin-miller-wanna-know-prod-by-jahlil-beats-swizz-beatz
As of this writing, none of the three tracks which constitute Drake and Meek Mill’s nascent rivalry are passable, and from the opening salvo, it’s “Wanna Know” which disappoints most thoroughly. Meek should be able to go on the offensive more effectively than this–he’s not the cotton candy-nibbling Beanie Baby that Drake is. Meek was right to harp on Quentin Miller’s role as Drake’s ghostwriter–listing one of Miller’s reference tracks as feature on “Wanna Know” is a clever touch–but the song feels like a missed opportunity. It’s difficult to hear what Meek’s saying (highly unusual for the Philadelphia shouter) and the extended samples ruin the flow of the song. The only redeeming portion of “Wanna Know” is when Meek Mill alleges Drake got pissed on in a movie theater.
Ultimately, there’s very little either Drake or Meek Mill could say that would damage the other’s career trajectory. The days of divisive, long-lasting rap beef appear over; rap is an increasingly safe genre, and authenticity isn’t at the forefront of fans’ concerns. Rick Ross was exposed as a correctional officer, and continues to maintain that he’s a drug kingpin despite obvious evidence to the contrary. People love Rick Ross. Between Drake and Meek Mill, listeners are left with two opponents, one armed with Hulk Hands, the other Sock’em Boppers, trying to draw blood. Were I a betting man, I’d place my limited funds on Meek Mill, though the most likely result is a lot of huffing and puffing with minimal action.
Safaree “SB” Samuels – “Lifeline”
“Lifeline” is fucking garbage. Nicki Minaj is severely uninteresting, and Meek Mill is incapable of using his indoor voice within a 15 foot radius of a microphone, but it’s Safaree, an utterly talentless dolt, who unsurprisingly looks the worst in this Bermuda Love Triangle. Don’t listen to this song.
CBM Perry Boi – “Act Right”
Dirty Glove Bastard’s comment on “Act Right” was straightforward: “This shit is hard as fuck.” CBM Perry Boi is carrying the torch for deceased CBM compatriot Doe B by making unrelenting, unrepentant trap rap–about what you’d expect from a rapper whose acronym stands for “Cash, Brickz & Money.” The video for “Act Right” adheres to a time-worn formula: a dimly lit kitchen, someone pointing a gun dangerously close to other humans’ vital organs, shotgun shacks, and shirtless guys smoking a blunt on a porch. “Act Right” is comfort food for fans of gritty, violent rap music.
PartyNextDoor ft. Travis Scott – “No Feelings”
Days Before Rodeo was an understatement–the gap between Travis Scott’s most recent mixtape and his debut album has grown to nearly a year. Rodeo has been delayed multiple times; its current release date, September 4, is six months later than was originally announced. The reason for the delay is apparent: Scott needed Young Thug and Future to release albums so he could shamelessly emulate them. Travis Scott has “No Feelings” due to his drug intake, or because he’s a sociopath. Probably both. I, unlike Travis Scott, have a feeling. It’s annoyance.
DJ Mustard ft. Ty Dolla Sign & Makonnen – “Why’d You Call?”
https://soundcloud.com/dj-mustard-1/why-call-f-ty-n-makonen
The first minute of “Why’d You Call” is enjoyable, if well-trodden territory for Mustard. Ty Dolla Sign and Mustard are frequent collaborators; Mustard’s hybrid hyphy-g-funk sound is pliable enough that neither gangster rap nor contemporary R&B are beyond his reach. Unfortunately, “Why’d You Call” is a blatantly cynical attempt at making an EDM banger. One of Mustard’s SoundCloud hashtags is, appropriately, “hardfest”; HARD Festival is the only place “Why’d You Call’s?” calamitous, hackneyed drop would be appropriate.
Post Malone – “Holyfield”
“Holyfield” is named as such because “she’s biting on [Post Malone’s] ear like Holyfield.” In the spirit of “White Iverson” and “Holyfield,” here are a few athletes Malone can use for his next single:
•Eric Piatkowski: “She’s painfully white like Piatkowski.”
•Rollie Fingers: “She’s got a mustache like Rollie Fingers.”
•Todd Marinovich: “She’s doing all my meth like Marinovich.”
•Mark Madsen: “She dancing on the pole like Mark Madsen.”
Lil Debbie ft. Wiz Khalifa – “420”
Did you know that Wiz Khalifa likes marijuana? It’s such an underplayed part of his personality, I never would’ve guessed that he partook in the occasional jazz cigarette.
This was a terrible week for rap music. Let’s never speak of it again.
