Haley Potiker is actually Danjahandz.
I would like to start this off by stating that I love Ginuwine. I LOVE Ginuwine. But Timbaland, you ruined every high school dance for me. My formative years were an endless stream of overlapping synths and faux-Bun B groaning. I graduated high school in 2007, the year the first Shock Value came out. There were probably five #1 singles on that album. You were inescapable. I hated it.
Like I said, I get it. Ginuwine. And Aaliyah, and Missy, and those Jay Z songs that aren’t “Snoopy Track.” Timbeaux was, for a time, one of the best and most prolific producers in hip-hop. In fact, some of his work is the closest the genre has ever come to dubstep (a genre that wisely, and tellingly, tends to sidestep vocals altogether). But then something happened.
Maybe it was that he started to get credit as an auteur. It was bad for M. Night Shyamalan, and it was worse for The Big T, who didn’t have Mel Gibson to save him. Nearly every artist he’s introduced since the turn of the century is, in a word, abysmal. He wills them into radio playlists and limos rented for junior proms, but is that really in the public interest? I guess the point is: sure, he’s been great and all, but why are we trusting this man to make artistic decisions? Would you trust him to keep your plant alive?
Working with Timbaland is like going through the five stages of grief, ending with you accepting that Timbaland WILL be rapping on your lead single. Let’s say you’re a female singer-songwriter from Nashville looking to trade in twangy guitars for a slightly-more-pop feel. Well, the good news is, this new beat is banging. Unfortunately T-Land just rhymed “strip” with “tip” again.
With that said, here’s an incomplete list of Timbaland’s transgressions. Please note that in addition to these, Timbaland was responsible for three “ringtone albums” for MTV and FIVE FULL LENGTH ALBUMS WITH MAGOO.
(Though Timbaland first began producing seriously in the early 90s, I’m starting in 2002 because I don’t feel like digging through Timbaland’s back catalog. He’s caused enough damage.)
2002
Timbaland began producing for Justin Timberlake on Justified, for which he did four tracks including “Cry Me A River.” Timb also somehow got Justin to give Bubba Sparxxx a feature, on an incredibly terrible song called “Right For Me”:
Then he produced an entire album for newcomer Ms. Jade–you may think you don’t know who this is, but you certainly will recall “Ching Ching” featuring Nelly Furtado and Timbaland:
Remember when the Timbaland-created, Missy Elliot-featuring “Oops (Oh My)” from one-hit-wonder Tweet was a huge hit? Well, Timbaland also DID HER ENTIRE ALBUM, which someone allowed to be called Southern Hummingbird:
2003
For Timbaland, 2003 meant two things: Another Bubba Sparxxx album, and Kiley Dean’s Simple Girl, for which he produced all 16 tracks. Although the album was never released commercially, a few abysmal crumbs are available to peruse online. Here’s the lead single, “Make Me A Song”, featuring, naturally, Timby himself:
Also from 2003–Sebastian’s “Phenomenon”…feat. Timbaland:
2004
Beenie Man’s “All Girls Party” is a cacophony of trucker hats and rhinestones:
But Timbaland’s worst offense this year was knocking LL Cool J into a vat of Axe body spray:
2005
I feel bad including Fat Joe’s “Everybody Get Up” because it’s actually three beats playing concurrently as part of an Oklahoma child’s Make A Wish event. It features Timbaland:
Jamie Foxx’s “Can I Take You Home” is a song so awful it will literally cause you anxiety that lasts for weeks:
Working with Ray J guarantees you a spot on the wrong side of history, but this track is baaaaad, even for T-Money:
Speaking of the wrong side of history, here’s a song with Papoose:
And we can’t forget about this terrible Black Eyed Peas song (pardon redundancy), “My Style”:
2006
Timbaland and Justin Timberlake released the heavily-anticipated Future Sex/LoveSounds in 2006, which was honestly just embarrassing for everyone. Here’s “SexyBack,” in case you want to reminisce on when you thought this was innovative:
This Busta Rhymes song from the Step Up 2 soundtrack:
The actual ONLY bad Chingy song:
Two songs from Danity Kane’s self-titled debut. You really don’t need a link to know how bad those are. But here:
Nelly Furtado #1 singles: “Maneater,” “Do It,” “Say it Right,” “All Good Things,” and worst of all “Promiscuous Girl”:
And of course, the video with the only choreography preserved in the Library of Congress, Omarion’s “Ice Box”
2007
in 2007 Timbaland released the first of his Shock Value albums, which included hits like “Give It To Me,” “The Way I Are,” “Release,” and “Apologize” feat. OneRepublic 🙁
THE FRAY – OVER MY HEAD (CABLE CAR). THIS SONG WAS PRODUCED BY TIMBALAND. HOW COULD I MAKE THIS UP:
In case you somehow managed to forget the Timbow-produced “Make Me Better” from Fabolous featuring Ne-Yo, here it is:
And here’s Bobby Valentino’s “Anonymous” which unsurprisingly features Timbaland:
2008
in 2008 Timbaland produced his crowning achievement, the third studio album by Ashlee Simpson, Bittersweet World. He is credited along with Chad Hugo, but somehow Chad’s still likeable:
Remember Flo Rida’s “Elevator”? I had nightmares about being stuck in an elevator in Florida with Timbylamb for months:
Jennifer Hudson’s “Pocketbook,” which we can only assume is the pocketbook Papoose was rapping about in 2005:
Timbo produced five tracks on Madonna’s 11th studio album Hard Candy, including the soul-crushingly bad “4 Minutes”:
Four songs off The Pussycat Dolls’ Doll Domination (the second and thankfully final studio album from the group). Here’s the Timberland-produced “Magic”:
2009
In 2009, Mosey-Mo dropped the second installment of Shock Value, which boasted “We Belong to the Music” featuring Miley Cyrus, “Morning After Dark” with Nelly Furtado, and Katy Perry’s “If We Ever Meet Again,” because if you put together all of his song titles you get a poem written by Jewel. But worst of all, here’s “Undertow” feat. The Fray and Esthero:
Timbaland produced Chris Cornell’s Scream. That’s italicized, as in Timby produced an entire album for Chris Cornell, with “Scream” as the title track. I legitimately would like to trade lives with anyone who forgot about this song:
Also in 2009, T-Land produced an album for Keri Hilson called In A Perfect World… Here’s the first single from that project, featuring Timbaland:
And here’s “More Bottles” from Wyclef Jean featuring Timbaland:
2010
2010 was pretty slow for T-Baby, except for……. this:
2011
Timbaland produced “Paper Scissors Rock” off Chris Brown’s 2011 album F.A.M.E., and of course got his verse on it too:
And then there was Demi Lovato’s “All Night Long”:
….Oh My God, this Wikipedia credits page is endless. Well, you get it. If you’ve made it this far, look in the mirror. Repeat after me: “I don’t need to listen to more Timberland singles today.” You don’t. Stop.
