Jordan Pedersen never wanted to be your weekend lover.
Purple Rain, the staggeringly great album by Prince Rogers Nelson, turns 30 today. It was the first Prince album I ever owned, and the title track is my single favorite song of all time.
Alas, I have little to add to the heap of critical ink spilled on the album. It’s Purple Rain. It’s amazing. You get it by now. Instead, I’ve called in a few favors and managed to secure a 100% authentic account of things that Prince did today:
1. Tried to order a pizza with Faberge eggs on it.
2. Bet a friend that he could turn a beggar into a millionaire and a millionaire into a beggar.
3. Ghost-wrote Hilary Clinton’s next memoir.
4. Listened to Questlove complain about D’Angelo over Skype.
5. Refreshed his Facebook page 15 times to see if Apollonia accepted his friend request.
6. Crank-called Madonna.
7. Watched the last four episodes of Murphy Brown on Hulu.
8. Ignored another brunch invite from The-Dream.
9. Split the check at PF Changs with the New Power Generation. Everybody had cards.
10. Uploaded a new song to his SoundCloud under his stage name “Dam-Funk.”
11. Sang along to “Fancy” in a fake cockney accent.
12. Ate a Lean Cuisine.
13. Walked his ferret.
14. Played guitar for a Prince tribute band.
15. Finished writing Toby Keith’s new album.
16. Purified himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
17. Lobbied for Morris Day and Jerome for True Detective season 2.
18. Farted audibly in line at Caribou Coffee.
19. Played Grand Theft Auto V with Tyler the Creator.
20. Got locked out of his JDate account because he kept forgetting his password.
21. Bought tickets for Burning Man.
22. Sued Don Henley.
23. Turned off NPR because it’s pledge season.
24. Ordered a new scepter for the US Open.
25. Requested an AMA on Reddit.
26. Took a shit on Brock Lesnar’s doorstep. #thankyoutaker
27. Ordered an extra pizza for his Magic: The Gathering tournament tonight.
28. Read The Fault in Our Stars. Didn’t cry.
29. Was asked to leave the Dave & Busters in Maple Grove.
30. Mourned the loss of the other greatest pop star of all time.
Shouts to @n3rdstrom for additional funnies.
