Look, you’ve been in college for more than a minute now, and it’s as good a time as any to do a little self-assessment on your freshman year so far. Let’s be honest with ourselves, things have not gone quite according to plan. Sure, you didn’t mean to get faced at that kegger and puke on that blonde, but it happened. Your roommate pretty much wrote you off the moment he learned about your Harry Potter fanfic. And there’s no way in hell you’re getting anything resembling a passing grade in your Women’s Studies class after your professor clearly caught you ogling the rack on the cutie sitting second row, third desk from the right. Fortunately, your Uncle Chris is here to help get things back on track. All is not lost, kids, for I have the mixtape of recent jams that’s going to make things better. It’s time to face facts—your taste in music sucks, but mine doesn’t, so let’s win back some friends and influence fellow classmates with our newly found impeccable mixtape, shall we? — Chris Daly
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ZIP: Passion of the Weiss Fall Mix Series #8 – “How to Win Back Friends and Influence Fellow Classmates” By Chris Daly
1. Biz Markie Shout Out Introduction—Hey, mang, when you get compromising photos of Jeff and are “invited” to be part of the well-oiled machine that is the Passion of the Weiss writing collective, you can start your own damn mixtape any damn way you want. I prefer name dropping by the Diabolical. If nothing else, it co-signs your cred. All the better if your name happens to be “Chris,” too.
2. Between Villains by Captain Murphy ft. Viktor Vaughn, Earl Sweatshirt and Thundercat—Individually, each of the artists should be played in heavy rotation. Combined together, this track is illegal in some underdeveloped nations. Show you know that today’s spitters owe a LOT to masked men with metal fingers.
3. Miley Cyrus by 2AM Club—This is the track you play to demonstrate that you know the real gems are found in places like Sound Cloud, not terrestrial radio. If anyone questions your game, play the vocal loop that sounds like a squealing guitar at unholy volumes. End of interview.
4. Royals by Lorde—You’re going to need a jam for the intelligent, nerdy girl who you know is a far better score than the previously mentioned chick with the rack. A non-misogynistic, anti-materialistic track by a 16-year-old Kiwi tackles the problem with dope finger snap beats and thoughtful lyrics about riding public transportation, not multi-million dollar yachts.
5. Platoon by Jungle—While the groove itself is enough for inclusion here, show off your “deeper” side by pointing to the video and mentioning how, you, too, were a breakdancing child prodigy before that untimely windmill accident cut short your career.
6. Three Course Meal by ProbCause ft. Action Bronson and Chance the Rapper—someone eventually is going to ask you who your favorite rappers of today are. Citing Bam Bam and the acid-drenched Chicago kid certainly are fine, strong answers. Dropping ProbCause into the conversation demonstrates your expertise in other people’s “professional” mixtapes.
7. Bandz A Make Her Dance by Juicy J Lil’ Wayne & 2 Chainz—You’re going to meet a lot of people that will educate you on a lot of different topics during the next four years. Odds are, nobody can teach you as much as Professor J. Case in point: ratchet pussy advice. Drink deep from the well of knowledge, son.
8. Beaches by Nobody ft. Nocando—While this clearly is a summer jam, that’s not the real purpose here. If you’re reading this site, odds are you’re going to need/want a weed connect on campus. The first person who recognizes you blasting either Nobody and/or Nocando will be that person, and s/he WON’T be an unwashed neo-hippie, which generally is a plus.
9. R Life by Shigeto Ft. Brandon Mitchell & Carlos Garcia—Look, once this tape works its magic, you’re probably going to start getting laid on a much more regular basis. This track is for that. You’re welcome.
10. Emkay by Bonobo—At some point, you’re probably going to have to study, too. You can play this one ad nauseam for those infrequent, random occasions, and not only won’t your fellow dorm mates hate it, they’ll likely thank you for the groove introduction. Hell, if your teacher is even the slightest bit funky, it might even help you pass your class.
Now keep those pencils sharpened and blue books at the ready. There will be a quiz.
