iLLUSTRATIONS BY BRAD BEATSON
WHAT’S UP MTV, WELCOME TO MY VERSACE TEMPLE
VERSACE PETTiNG ZOO / LiViNG ROOM
HOW MANY BALLERS YOU KNOW HAVE A PETTiNG ZOO iNSiDE OF THEiR MANSiON? RiGHT NOW YOU ARE LOOKiNG AT MY VERSACE PYTHON, MY VERSACE ANTELOPE, AND MY MiNiATURE CHiMP, CARL. MY COWABUNGA VERSACE GiRAFFEASAURUS iS CURRENTLY PROTECTiNG THE THRONE WHERE i ASSUME THE ROLE OF JUDGE JODY TO HELP OUT THE CHiLDREN. JODY iS FOR THE KiDS AND THE ANiMALS.
THE RiFFRiDGERATOR
WHENEVER i’M NOT OUT EATING VERSACE SHRiMP, i LiKE TO MAKE SURE MY FRiDGE iS FULLY STOCKED WiTH ALL THE ESSENTiALS:
- HEiNZ BAKED BEANS
- CANADiAN CLUB WHiSKY
- JUMBO HERSHEY KiSSES
- COOKiE CRiSP
- FROZEN HERSHEY’S WHiTMAN-SiZED CHOCOLATE BAR
- BUD DiESEL
- GATORADE
- HATERADE
- LEFTOVER CARL’S JR.
- 2 STiCKS OF MARGARiNE
- 2 LiTERS OF ZEBRA MiLK
- $200 VERSACE SHARK FiN SOUP
- BUTTERSCOTCH HAYSTACKS
- CHOCOLATE & BUTTERSCOTCH FUDGE BROWNiES
- iCE ON iCE
- 2 BOTTLES OF VODKA
- PiZZA LUNCHABLE
- 7 MCNUGGETS
- 4 BOXES ASSORTED GiRL SCOUT COOKiES
- KALE
- MANGO FANTA HOMEBREW
- XL FRiES FROM MCDONALDS
WHERE THE MAGiC HAPPENS
ALRiGHT MTV, THiS iS WHERE THE MAGIC WOULD HAPPEN iF JODY WASN’T A ViRGiN. RiGHT OFF THE BAT YOU CAN SEE THAT JAMES FRANCO BORROWED MY HEADBOARD TO USE iN SPRiNGBREAKERS AND i ALLOWED HiM TO USE iT BECAUSE i AM A G WHO WAS ALWAYS A GENT.
FOR THOSE OF Y’ALL THAT CAN’T TELL FROM JUST LOOKING AT THiS BEAUTiFUL FiGURE, i AM A WORLD CLASS ATHLETE. ON THE WALL BEHiND MY BED i HAVE THE JERSEYS OF THE GHOST’S OF RiFF RAFF PAST FROM WHEN i TRiUMPHED iN EVERY MAJOR SPORTING FEDERATION.
- BAD BOY SON OF MY DAD KEN RiFFEY SR.
- BRANDON ROY’S KNEES PASSED THE TORCH TO THE RiFF CiTY BLAZERS
- i WAS SO NiCE FOR THE OAKLAND RAiDERS iN THiS MiD-RiFF BiLENTNiKRAFF THEY NAMED AN AWARD AFTER ME
- ALSO COULD RUN iT SO i BALLED FOR THE REDSKiNS AND THEY CALLED ME DiESEL RiFFiNS
- ARGENTiNA NATiONAL TEAM MVP RiFFADONA
TOYS
MY MOST FAVORiTEST TOY HAPPENS TO BE SOMETHiNG THAT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL JAMES FRANCO COULD ONLY ACT. i LiVE THiS SHiT!
