- Often regarded as a lowly janitorial duty, the art of mopping floors is the first step on a young Prince’s journey to becoming King. Like a Zen monk learning to sweep to become enlightened, a young Dr. Dre parlayed his mop money into his first stethoscope and several of his first sequined suits. Young.
- A true King uses luxury objects as metaphorical symbols. Dr. Dre informs the listener that one must listen to this beat through his Dr. Dre headphones, available for $250, until supplies collapse. Ostensibly, they are a symbol of his undying commitment to audio fidelity and Jimmy Iovine’s heart. However, they are really a veiled illusion to his mastery of the Navajo art of windtalking, . Jay-Z taught him the ways via an old girlfriend who called him, Chief Lots of Dough. Henceforth, Dre has used this technology and the loopholes created by the Patriot Act to spy on potential Al Queda suspects through said headphones. This is why Detox has not come out. The King is busy. STOP ASKING, YOU DUMB MAGAZINES!
- Pull ups. Real Kings do not need gyms. They merely need a single pull up bar to impress “chicks” and Kendrick Lamar and “chicks.” Every woman wants a man who can bench-press a 64 Impala. With chrome spinners.
- Every King needs topless female couriers with comically absurd fake breasts to gallivant with him underneath chandeliers while sitting in an empty room. Real Kings ensure that it always looks naturally cool, suave, and totally heterosexual. Like really really really heterosexual. Like eats Chick Fil-A five times a day heterosexual.
- Brown bags. Commonly used for drug trafficking, true enlightened monarchs understand the power of recycling. Brown bags may not offer the interest rate of banks, but ATM machines are not biodegradable.
- Whipping chickens. As Machiavelli wrote, it is better to be feared than loved. Hence, a man must whip a chicken occasionally to show who is bawse. No matter how delicious a chicken may be.
- Toplessness. Kings are not afraid to show their Moobs. Ross learned the ways of the shirtless ruler via careful study of the sartorial choices of the Pharoah, Amun.
- Buy your daughter expensive socks. This is a tidbit that Jay and Beyonce gleaned from Maria Antoinette vis a vis Sofia Coppola.
- Killing the Hermes store. A true king is not afraid to wear sandals or flip flops, regardless of what Killa Cam thinks.
- T.J. Maxx. Pop tags there. Even a King wants the max for the minimum.
