Matt Shea is over 30 and single. His relationship advice should not be trusted.
Download: Matt Shea – Summer Jamz 2011: Steamy Nights
It’s coming towards the end of summer and that means one thing: time to quit flaking and step your love game up. Winter hibernation under your Surfing With the Alien duvet ain’t no fun on your own, and that fly girl you met at the July barbecue now needs some extra moves to satisfy her groove. As we head into the final weeks of warmth you need to practice what you’ll eventually make perfect.
So, through the delicate science of assumption I have spooled together the perfect tape to soundtrack your creative copulation. I’m not going to sugar coat it – this turned into a total crapshoot. Still, no more scented candle wax on your CDs and no more getting up mid-missionary to change playlists, your wobbling wang flicking fanny batter this way and that.
The final tape actually turned out surprisingly well: soft enough to strum your honey, but packing those robust undertones that allow a gentleman to get his groove on. Thankfully, it drives itself, but for those out there who don’t know their romantic ass from their lover’s elbow, I’ve put together a basic road map. Feel free to stick it to your bed-head:
Prelude to Groove:
The Cinematic Orchestra – ‘All That You Give’
Champagne and nibbles. Interpret that how you will.
The Slingshot:
Shuggie Otis – Aht Uh Mi Hed
Check that metronomic beat. That means action stations! Time to bar up.
Act II:
David Holmes – Gone (K&D Session)
You should be nude by now. If not, you’re doing something wrong. Remember to pick your underpants in advance. Hope you cleaned your room, asshole.
The Rest Area:
Gregory Isaacs – Night Nurse (dub)
Consider this a litmus test. Amongst all that giving, you’re allowed a little take. If your lady doesn’t take the cue on this you might need to rethink your ideal partner.
The Comeback:
Nightmares on Wax – Damn
You’d better not still be sitting on the end of the futon with your eyes rolled back in your head. If so, it’s time to flip the script. Show that lady what kind of love she’s been missing with all those years of dating pretenders.
The Climax:
The XX – Basic Space (Pariah mix)
This is your moment. Much in the clutch, my man.
Denouement:
The Cinematic Orchestra – Into You
Play with each other’s belly buttons and discuss politics, or whatever it is flushed young lovers do these days. How the fuck would I know.
Conclusion:
Bibio – Lovers’ Carvings
Either take her to that classy diner for midnight pancakes, or simply slip into a post-orgasmic sleep. If it didn’t go well, feel free to call cab. Or maybe call her a cab.
Congratulations. You just made romance your bitch. –Matt Shea
Full tracklist:
1. The Cinematic Orchestra – All That You Give
2. Bobby Womack – Woman’s Gotta Havit
3. Shabazz Palaces – Recollections of Wraith
4. Shuggie Otis – Aht Uh Mi Hed
5. A Tribe Called Quest – Electric Relaxation
6. David Holmes – Gone (K&D Session)
7. DJ Shadow – Changeling/Transmission 1
8. Piero Umiliani – Panoramica
9. Little Dragon – Thunder Love
10. Gregory Isaacs – Night Nurse (dub)
11. Me’Shell Ndegéocello – Love You Down
12. Nightmares on Wax – Damn
13. DJ Shadow – What Does Your Soul Look Like (Part 4)
14. Serge Gainsbourg – Ballade de Melody Nelson (Howie B remix)
15. Burial – NYC
16. The XX – Basic Space (Pariah Mix)
17. The The – Lung Shadows
18. The Cinematic Orchestra – Into You
19. Submotion Orchestra – Perfection
20. Bibio – Lovers’ Carvings
