Done in collaboration with Trey Kerby, the world’s most esteemed Brad Miller impersonator, this guide to the NBA finals should be used exclusively for gambling purposes. The information in question was given to us by an old man in a DeLorean. He brandished an obscure sports almanac, and spoke in dactylic hexameter about his hatred for Calvin Klein, manure, and light beer.
Rafer Alston Vs. Derek Fisher
Rafer Alston (Kerby): Alston was once on the cover of SLAM magazine, making him the worst player to grace their cover. Impressive considering Chamique Holdsclaw and Todd MacCullough have also appeared in that same spot. However, it is notable that Rafer Alston slaps kufis.
Weiss: In anticipation of Fisher’s lacksidasical defense, Alston plans to substitute former And 1 teammate, The Professor, just to see if he can score in an NBA game.
Derek Fisher (Kerby): Once an underrated, veteran presence, Fisher has become overrated drastically, mostly in the eyes of Phil Jackson who insists on playing him big minutes. In a related story, a tragic ‘dung bong’ incident at Jackson’s Montana ranch has left Jackson’s vision permanently altered. Not in a good way.
Weiss: Despite being a very interesting man, my grandfather only had a few interesting stories. I’m pretty sure that’s what 60 years of marijuana abuse at Phil Jackson levels will do to you. One of his favorite anecdotes was about applying for a job during the great depression. The line of job applicants was hundreds of people deep, but since he was the only one wearing a suit, he got the job. This is the only way to explain why Derek Fisher is still starting. He has a really good tailor.
After practice, Fish he’ll occasionally bring the team Dunkin’ Donuts’ munchkins and 2 percent milk. Then he and D.J. Mbenga will pray.
Advantage: God.
Kobe Bryant Vs. Courtney Lee
Kobe Bryant (Kerby): In the history of NBA players named after kinds of meat, none stands above Kobe Bryant. Challengers to the throne Angus Beefenstein and Popeye’s Chicken Jones come in a close second and third.
Weiss: Before games, Kobe Bryant pumps himself up by listening to the Clipse and Kanye’s “Kinda Like a Big Deal.” He alternates between purring and growling like a siberian tiger, while practicing a monster overbite like his idol, Howie Mandel in Little Monsters. Occasionally, he and Sasha Vujacic call their favorite local Italian restaurant and order a pre-game meal of gnocchi, caprese, and breadsticks. Sasha pays.
Courtney Lee (Kerby): Surprisingly looks more like Richard Hamilton than former Roses Parade Queen Courtney Lee.
Weiss: Courtney Lee views the added exposure of the NBA finals as a stepping-stone to pursue his true love: mounting Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals in the city of Indianapolis. He tells anyone who will listen that the first show will be an extended run of Starlight Express, but deep down, he wants to stage Phantom the Opera–though he finds that the cliched “SGT Pepper’s is my favorite Beatles album” choice.
Advantage: Kobe, big time
Trevor Ariza Vs. Hedo Turkoglu
Trevor Ariza (Kerby): No matter how good he’s been this season, nothing will change the fact that I always think Trevor Ariza played for the Arizona Wildcats. Also, he was once on the Magic, which is totally irrelevant because magic isn’t real David Blaine.
Weiss: An unofficial member of Black Wall Street, Trevor Ariza, Ya Boy, and the Goon Squad are often descibed as the masterminds behind Ya Boy’s minor hit, “What’s Jerkin.” With the proceeds earned from digital downloads, they’ve decided to create in the Big Fase Jerkin’ Academy at Jordan High School in Watts.
Hedo Turkuglu (Kerby): Whenever this guy is on television, my wife says, “TURK-O-GLUE? This guy’s name is seriously turk-o-glue?” Think about it.
Weiss: What babee, you don’t like, Hedo? Why not? He play for Magic, he make Magic weeth you. You don’t like trophy? Yo no like earring? Silver is no good enough. In Constantipole, we get seex of you for seex at one night, for same price as thees Boobba Gump restaurant you take me to. Hedo in language of Kemal Ataturk stand for love.
Advantage: Butterfly shrimp.
Pau Gasol Vs. Rashard Lewis
Pau Gasol (Kerby): In his native Spain, Pau is considered the most eligible bachelor. He also is the richest Spaniard ever, no one makes fun of his beard, and he often restages battles with the Spanish Armada that never lose. His ‘hoof hands’ defense was recently elected the country’s national greeting.
Weiss: After Jerry Buss showed him a private screening of Vicky Christina Barcelona following Game 7 of the series against Utah, Pau Gasol was beset by a spiritual crisis that affected his play for much of the playoffs. In a quest to emulate Javier Bardem’s hot-blooded painter, Gasol attempt to woo several stars of the CW. After several unfulfilling paella dates with Blake Lively,he wisely decided that a championship ring was more important to him than group sex.
Rashard Lewis (Kerby): Based on his recent playoff performance, a lot of people think that Rashard Lewis’s contract is no longer absurd. They might be right, but the 360 deal he signed with Swishahouse in late 2004 still looks silly.
Weiss: Rashard Lewis accepts no responsibility for the death of Big Moe nor DJ Screw, nor will he answer any questions pertaining to their untimely passing. Stop snitching.
Advantage: Pau, by the hairs of his chinny-chin chin.
Andrew Bynum Vs. Dwight Howard
Andrew Bynum: Bynum and Reggie Noble are both from New Jersey. They’re like the yin and yang of being interesting. Except Andrew Bynum isn’t interesting, kinda like Bruce Springsteen.
Weiss: Close observers say that as soon as puberty set in, and Bynum developed a passing resemblance to 30 Rock star, Tracy Morgan, his play suffered as he began to indulge in conspiracy theories about the moon being a spy satellite installed by Oprah and Minister Farakkhan.
Dwight Howard (Kerby): BY FAR my second favorite gigantic, athletic, Superman-fetishizing Orlando Magic center ever. Barely edging out Rony Seikaly and Andrew DeClerq.
Weiss: Howard was created by a pair of bored computer nerds with an unhealthy fixation on the arcade game, Run N’ Gun. That helps a lot.
Advantage: Howard, by a lot
Lamar Odom Vs. Mikael Pietrus
Lamar Odom (Kerby): Yesterday I ate three of the fun size packets of Sweet Tarts and two Bit-O-Honeys and felt terrible, and all I did was sit at a desk. That’s why I’m not in the NBA yet.
Weiss: Known for his mastery of the video game Galaga, and his
record-breaking performance this weekend, eating 18 packets of gummi
worms at a matinee of Up. Rangy, athletic power who should match up
well with Lewis, should Koch finally deliver his promo copy of the new
Un Pacino Record.
Mickael Pietrus (Kerby): Did you know that in French “Mickael Pietrus” means “Michael Peter Us?” It’s some kind of weird sex thing I think, which makes sense, considering they’re the French.
Weiss: Ever wily and full of Gallic romantic slang, Pietras once successfully seduced Erykah Badu by pretending to be Jay Electronica.
Advantage: Odom, by bunches
Jordan Farmar Vs. Anthony Johnson
Jordan Farmar (Kerby): Word on the street is that one of the deleted scenes in “Funny People” is Adam Sandler doing an update to “The Hannukah Song” with the lyric “some famous people are mixed Black and Jewish / Jordan Farmer, Lenny Kravitz, and Rod Carew…ish.”
Weiss: Would be starting by now had he not spent the last six months trying to convince fellow half-Hebrew, Drake to be on his team in the rock and jock B-Ball jam.
Anthony Johnson (Kerby): Now that Nate Dogg weighs 850 pounds, we need a new pop culture comparison for Anthony Johnson. I propose Tony Shalhoub in Men In Black.
Advantage: Farmar, by a tiny bit
Luke Walton/ Marcin Gortat
Luke Walton: Luke:Bill::The Dead:The Grateful Dead
Marcin Gortat: Kind of wish his name were Martin Gorcat.
Advantage: Gortat, by a half percent.
Prediction: Lakers in 6
Download:
MP3: Jay Rock-“LA Song (Lakers Anthem)”
