10. We need an authoritative Russian figure to babble about Sputnik–such as the one seen at the commencement of the video. Indeed, he’s got a forceful dynamism that Henry “Fester” Paulson lacks. Maybe our fearless leader might consider sending Condi over to Putti Put to test her Slavic language skills. It worked for Iceland–after all–like Roc-A-Fella, Russia has “the money.” On an unrelated note, I refuse to believe it’s just a coincidence that US-Russo relations plunged to a 20-year low after Dubya decided to give their Prime Minister a nickname that sounds like a Riverside miniature golf course.
9. Make our investment bankers dance in suits a la the dancers in “The Power.” If they’re going to cost us hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout funds, the least they can do is entertain us by doing the Cabbage Patch and the Roger Rabbit.
8. The high-top fades in the video are a stark reminder that American prosperity in the 80s was not the result of laissez-faire economic policy and trickle-down theory, but instead, our hip-hop and R&B stars’ willingness to defy gravity with their hair.
General Rule of Thumb: It’s Invariably a Safe Bet To Trust Someone With “Turbo” in Their Name
7. Turbo B boasts his lyrics are “copywritten so they can’t be stolen.” A respect of intellectual property is a must for any potential economic czar. Or not.
6. Penny Ford should sing at the next G-8 meeting. Not for crisis-resolving purposes, but because she is awesome and the Germans will love it. If this succeeds, next time use KLF.
5. Playing “The Power” at an ear-splitting volume can’t help but inspire the banking industry, the American people and people who wear leather in the summetime. Faith will be fully restored in the markets. If you can’t have faith whilst listening to “The Power,” there is something criminally wrong with you. Bruce Almighty is the proof.
4. Turbo B maintains a firm grasp on the direness of the predicament, declaring, “it’s getting, it’s getting, it’s getting kind of hectic.” No need to ramrod B.S. about “the strong fundamentals of the economy” down our throats. He gets it.
Though You’ve Would’ve Thought Someone Would’ve Told Them That The Title Script Looks Perilously Close to “The Boner”
3. As Turbo B trenchantly avers, “he has a radical mind, day and night, all the time…7/14 wise divine/maniac/brainiac winning the game/I’m the lyrical Jesse James.”
Clearly, T.B. has innovative and new solutions to solve the fiscal catastrophe. Just like McCain’s secret strategy of how to get Bin Laden, Turbo B doesn’t need to explicitly spell out his radical solutions. He’s a brainiac. Where you at Bernanke….bitch. The guy’s a lyrical Jesse James. You know what Jesse James gets? Money.
2. An advocate of a muscular foreign policy, Turbo B understands that “if you don’t stay off his back, he will attack and you don’t want that.” Cooperation is a wise move during a crisis but I for one want someone who can take charge–by rapping. Or at the very least dating an Italian Supermodel.
1. Snap couldn’t do much worse than Bush and Congress.
Download:
MP3: Snap-“The Power”
