Newsflash, wearing a derby cap does not make you hip-hop
Dear girl in a derby cap who sat in front of me at the Mos Def/Talib Kweli concert,
Oh random underground hip hop girl, how I love you so. I couldn’t help but notice you sitting in front of me at the concert last night, wearing your derby cap. How wonderful of you. I could never love a girl more after seeing you throw your fists in the air giving the black power salute. Who cares if you attended Smith College or grew up in Bel-Air. The point is irrelevant.
The entire night, you and your equally caucasian boyfriend were both spastically flailing to the sounds of underground hip hop. I even heard you whisper how amazing it was that both “Mos and Kweli are still keeping it real.” God, you’re sexy.
But despite your stellar dialogue, I think it’s the derby cap that has you still on my mind. It’s so perfect, only old men wear derby caps thereby making it uncool. You being the little Cobrasnake hipster that you are, brilliantly concluded that derby hats are so uncool, they are actually cool. What a bold move. Inevitably, your sense of coolness is confirmed by fact that the hats are actually worn by cool people such as Dave Chappelle. Wow, it’s like you guys totally have the same style. If only you weren’t with your boyfriend. He is a lucky man. I bet the two of you just sit back every night, getting high, listening to underground hip-hop, discussing how awful it is when people go “mainstream” (like the Black Eyed Peas).
And then underground hip hop derby girl, there was the moment that you turned me on the most. When Pharoahe Monche was in the middle of a particularly raucous version of “Simon Says.” At one point, Pharoahe declared, “girls, rub on your titties. Yeah, I said it, rub on your titties.”
And you did it. God, you’re such a rebel. I bet you even smoke cigarettes too. My god, I’m getting depressed thinking about how I’m not with you right now. Anyway, I better go now, it’s getting to tough to keep on thinking about how I never even got to speak with you. Goodbye underground hip girl, but no matter where you go or what you do always remember this sage bit of advice: keep on wearing that sexy derby hat.
