March 28th, 2006
In 1996 there wasn’t a bigger rap group on earth than the Fugees, the group that practically invented the formula of making rap music for white people who don’t like rap. In that sense I suppose you can call them pioneers, as this was well before the two-pronged sonic disaster of Kanye West and the Neptunes became the soundtrack for people with bad taste in hip-hop. Yes in 1996, the world belonged to the crew of Lauryn Hill, Wyclef and Pras as they ascended to the top of the charts with their second album, The Score.
Following The Score, the Fugees became international superstars, as Lauryn Hill’s Miseducation cd became the CD in everyone’s collection that hasn’t been listened to since 1998. Additionally, Wyclef scored big with “The Carnival” (which while I am no fan of the man, I’ll give him credit for making at least one damn fine album) . And as for Pras, it would be easy to say that he was the Ringo of the group, the one that no one ever said they really liked. He was just “there.” But to call him the Ringo of the group is to give Ringo Starr short shrift, as anyone who has seen “A Hard Days Night” knows, Ringo Starr is all sorts of awesome.
In reality, Pras is more like Nick Mason from Pink Floyd, as both filled holes that could’ve been filled by just about anybody. In Pink Floyd, Mason played a very simple percussion and never contributed to any of the song writing. And in The Fugees, Pras’ basically was just there to fill out the last eight bars of a song with another voice so that people didn’t get sick of hearing only Wyclef and Lauryn Hill.
And while its been rumored that the Fugees are recording a new album, no one really cares anymore, as Wyclef has turned into a crackhead’s caricture of Bob Marley, Lauryn Hill has dedicated her life to fucking the offspring of Bob Marley, and other than his one shining moment on the Bulworth soundtrack nearly a decade ago, the only time anyone ever thinks about Pras is never. Well, unless my friends and I are re-hashing a scene that involves my good friend, Davey Crockett calling Pras a “fruit bar” on the set of his “film.” Until now.
Just last week, the NY Post reported this stunning development in the life of Pras, as the once and future Fugee is planning to appear in a documentary about homeless ness called “First Night” in which he’ll live on the streets for nine days with a mere $9 in his pocket. And being the Hollywood players that we are here at the Passion of the Weiss, we have an exclusive preview of Pras’ nine days on the street, provided for you by Pras writing in the third person. (with a creative debt owed to the Lou Reed blog)
Day 1: Life on the street will be tough for Pras. It makes Pras feel like a Refugee from Guatanamo Bay, Pras feels like messing around the border like he is Cassius Clay. Pras likes messing around borders. Maybe this week will be fun for Pras. Within ten minutes someone will recognize him as a ghetto supastar and his problems will be solved. [10 minutes pass by] No one has recognized Pras yet. Oh well, it does not matter, what matters is how many mics he will rip today, on the daily. Pras does not know the answer to that question. Pras does know it is starting to get chilly. Pras will buy himself a jacket with his $9 dollars. Pras has bought the jacket. Pras is warm now. Fu-La-La-La.
Day 2: Pras is hungry and must buy something to eat. Pras has no money, if only he hadn’t been so stupid to have spent all of his money on a warm jacket. Now Pras is warm but starving. This is a contradiction. Pras does not like contradictions. But he does like Wyclef Jean. Wyclef Jean will feed Pras. Damn this cellular telephone. Why can’t Pras talk to Wyclef Jean? What does it mean “this number that you have reached is no longer in service?” Wyclef Jean would not change his number without telling Pras? Would he?
Day 3: Pras is dread-locked Rasta, Buffalo Soldier, but more importantly Pras is so so hungry. Pras might be Buffalo Soldier but there are no Buffaloes in New York City. This makes Pras sad. Once Pras read a story about a coyote that got lost in Central Park. Pras could definitely see himself eating a coyote in Central Park. Ready or Not, here Pras comes, gonna find a coyote and eat him slowly.
Day 4: Central Park is not all that it is cracked up to be. But Pras knows that it does have crack. He found this out when another dread-locked rasta tried to sell Pras some crack for $10. Pras asked him if he took credit. The dread-locked rasta only laughed at Pras. Pras screamed at him and told him that he was a major rap star and that he would be very sorry for messing with him. He also told him about the song “Ghetto Supastar,” and how he knew ODB. The crack dealer only responded, “I deal crack. Obviously I did too.” This did not make Pras feel special.
Day 5: Pras has not eaten in five days. It is the daytime now. Pras sits 90 degrees underneath palm trees, Smokin’ beadies as Pras burns his calories. Brooklyn roof tops become Brooklyn tee-pees. But Brooklyn roof-tops do not have food. Pras believes that Pras is going to die. Someone please help him.
Day 6: Pras remembers Lauryn Hill from Pras’ internationally renowned supergroup, the Fugees. Pras and Lauryn are friends. One time, she even let Pras watch while she had sex with Wyclef. That was fun for Pras even if they would not let him join in. Pras will call Lauryn for help. [Pras talks with Lauryn Hill]. Lauryn Hill told Pras to pray to God. Pras will pray to God, but God cannot bring Pras food. Pras’ lack of money is killing Pras. Softly.
Day 7: Once a very long time ago Pras was in a movie. Maybe the director of the movie can help Pras out of his predicament. Maybe the director can also teach him what the word predicament means too. That would be nice.
The movie was called Turn it up. Pras loved that movie even though that was where Pras met Ja-Rule. Pras did not like Ja-Rule. Ja-Rule told him to “Holla holla.” Obviously, Ja-Rule did not know who Pras was. Pras does not holla. He yodels. He is a cowboy. Yo-da-lay-hee-ho. Pras has just lost control of his bladder due to hunger. Pras is wet. Pras is very wet. Pras is in no mood to call the director of Turn it Up.
Day 8
Pras has a plan. He will go into a store and show the bodega owner his face. They will recognize him. For certain. And if they do not recognize him, Pras has decided that he will rap for them a verse from a very merry song. Everyone likes very merry songs. Pras knows this for certain. Pras will tell the bodega owner that he is a black ceasar who dates top divas. He will tell them about diplomatic legalese and how he has no time for a Visa. Pras will tell that they just begun, and how he’s gonna shoot them one by one. Pras will strike with the forces of King Solomon
and lett bygones be bygones. And so on, and so on. Pras will teach these cats how to live in the ghetto. Pras will keep it retro-spective from the get go. He will lay low, let his mind shine like a halo. Pras will politic with ghetto senators on the d-low.
Alas when Pras walks into the owner of the store and sings his song, the owners do not understand a word of what he is saying. The owners are Nepalese. Pras does not like Nepalese. Lauryn Hill told him once to never trust a Nepalese and to only trust Haitians. Pras listens to Lauryn Hill all the time. Even if she is miseducated he does not care. Pras only cares about the music. And about food. Pras will now gnaw on his arm.
Day 9
Today is Pras’ last day on the streets. It has not been easy. Pras does not know if he’s going to make it. Wait a minute, he sees a blue angel. Pras likes blue angels. Once he wrote a song about a blue angel. No one liked that song. Not even Pras. It does not matter, Pras is so hungry he will con the angel into coming close to him, then when he least suspects it Pras will eat the angel. The angel will be delicious. It will taste just like smurf. Pras will live after all. Salvation.
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March 20th, 2006
Despite his utter inability to connect with mainstream America, actor Matthew McConaughey is adament that he will not be discouraged by his lack of box office success, and will continue to make movies with integrity.
“America’s tough to please,” the self-described “wacky actor,” said. “I guess they don’t “get” the brand of zany humor that I and only I possess. What am I supposed to do, just make movies that everyone can enjoy? I act because it is the form of art that I choose to practice. And if some housewife in Des Moines, Iowa finds the version of reality presented in “Failure to Launch” too bleak, then that’s her problem.”
Critics have pointed out that McConaughey hasn’t exactly failed to connect with middle America, as his latest film “Failure to Launch” debuted at number #1 with a stellar first weekend gross of $24.5 million. Most contend that McConaughey is too dense to understand that this is objectively good.
“Whatever, $24.5 million, big deal. I don’t care about how much I’m paid. I don’t care how much my films make. I care about changing lives,” McConaughey passionately declared. “Do you know how many people’s lives were altered because of my movie “The Wedding Planner?” Do you know how many women became Wedding Planners because of that film? Do you know how many men became doctors so they could snare attractive women like J. Lo. The number is flabbergasting.”
McConaughey admitted that he used the word flabbergasting because he didn’t know an exact number and it sounded like a good placeholder. He also admitted that he didn’t know what the word flabbergasting means.
“My vocabulary might not be large,” the witty Texan said. “But I’ll tell you what is large. My heart. And to me there is nothing finer than a witty deconstruction of our social mores done in the form of the 90 minute romantic comedy. There’s nothing better. What’s going to happen? Which man is the woman going to pick? The suspense is enough to kill a person.”
Mike Dupree, the director of “The Wedding Planner” confimred that McConaughey is different from many of the other thespians that he has worked with in the past.
“He is truly an actor’s actor,” Dupree said. “Most of the other thespians that I have worked with are only interested in collecting their paychecks, but Matthew is interested in art. Not art like just your average good movie, but art in the highest sense. He is the Leonardo Da Vinci of the silver screen, though he hasn’t designed an elaborate code….yet!”
As for his upcoming role in “Dear Deliah,”, McConaughey will play America’s most widely read female advice columnist, Deliah. And Deliah has a secret — she’s a he. By day, he produces a male-oriented cable television show; by night, he doles out sage sisterly advice under a pseudonym. [Ed. Note: This is actually true. I swear]
McConaughey claims that “Dear Deliah,” will be his greatest role yet.
“When theatergoers see me as Deliah, it’s safe to say that everyone will drop to their knees and venerate me as the greatest actor who ever lived,” McConaughey said. “You might think this film is similar to my other ones in that yes, it is a romantic comedy, but it’s totally different. This time, I’ll be in drag. I’m not that familiar with film history but I believe this is the first time this has ever been done. And no one can fill out a pair of panty house like me. No one! Not like I’d know or anything.”
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March 8th, 2006
In an unprecedented case in the realm of online social networking, Mission Viejo teenager Austin St. Claire, has sued Myspace.com for false advertising, claiming that contrary to popular belief, Myspace is NOT a place for friends.
“Austin has been subjected to unbelievable amounts of mental anguish, thanks to this insidious plot being waged upon us by News Corp.,” St. Claire’s attorney, Noah Mandelbaum said. “When he contracted into a deal to be a member of the Myspace online community, he was promised that Myspace would be a safe haven where he could develop nurturing and caring relationships. Sadly, the reality has been anything but.”
According to Mandelbaum, the 18-year old St. Claire had been a normal teenager until getting lured into what he deemed, “the greatest time suck since the ancient Greeks invented philosophy.”
“It’s not like I went into Myspace expecting to have my life turned topsy-turvy, just maybe to meet some girls and reunite with people I’d lost touch with.” St. Clair said having been instructed by his attorney that “topsy-turvy” is a good word. “They promised me a place for friends. I haven’t met any friends. I’ve just been messaged by a bunch of shitty bands. How am I supposed to be friends with a band if they can’t even play a note.”
But St. Clair added that the constant pressures from having to decide whether or not to add a band or not were the not the only reasons for his psychic strain.
“It’s tough,” St. Clair admitted. “At first, I added a bunch of really hot girls in bikinis and everything was going great, but then it seemed like other girls that didn’t have photos of themselves in bikinis were intimidated or something by all the hot girls I was friends with. I mean, if they can’t handle that Tila Tequila and I are such close friends than I probably wouldn’t want to date them anyway.”
MySpace.com founder Tom Anderson was unavailable to comment, but issued a written statement about the case.
“Somebody needs to tell Austin St. Claire to mind his f****-ing business. He needs to shut up. We’ve got a good thing going on here over at Myspace and he needs to ruin everything,” Anderson wrote. “What’s wrong with him? Does he not understand the concept of metaphor? It’s not “really a space for friends.” Besides, it’s not our fault that he doesn’t have any game.”
But according to St. Claire, the suit has nothing to do with money and everything to do with dashed dreams.
“I went to Myspace for the purity. For the love. For the fact that I could customize my page with Thomas’ Myspace Editor V3.2b and believe that it expressed my individuality to the full depths of my soul,” St. Claire said. “Sadly, that reality is no longer true. If only it were a place for friends then perhaps I wouldn’t have had to sue. But what’s done is done. I’m trying to look at things on the bright side. After all, deleting my Myspace account actually spurred me to go to College. That way I can get a Facebook account. I wouldn’t have known how else to live.”
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February 22nd, 2006
In a shocking discovery, an archeologist has discovered what is believed to be the last low-maintenance girl raised on the west side of Los Angeles. The archeologist who discovered the girl, Murray Lancaster, says that the discovery was as much a result of luck as anything else.
“I was searching for dinosaur fossils underneath the Apple Pan and I had to use the restroom. Well, the men’s room was locked and I decided to use the women’s room and that’s where I made this momentous find,” Lancaster said.
It was in the women’s rest room where Melissa Schwartz, an Angeleno raised in the plush Westside enclave of Brentwood had been trapped for years.
“She’d been in there for a quite awhile,” Lancaster said. “I’m not sure how she was able to survive. Perhaps the biggest problem was that she got trapped in the women’s room and since the Apple Pan serves mostly hamburgers and french fries, no women would dare step into the place because the food is much too fattening for them. I mean the restaurant doesn’t even serve salads. It could’ve been years before she was discovered.”
Previously, scientists had been skeptical that the low-maintenance westside-raised woman had ever even roamed the region in the first place. Believers pointing to an intricate series of graffiti scrawls found underneath Fred Segal that dated back to the year 1923. However, naysayers responded bluntly with the damning logic: we’ll believe it when we see it.
As can be expected, scientists and reporters have been eager to speak with the girl. Many of them believe that this is the biggest local archeological find since a caveman was discovered in Encino in the early 90s.
But the inquiry hasn’t been restricted to scientists and news outlets. Various corporations have been trying to sign up Schwartz for various endorsement deals, in light of her newfound celebrity.
“I don’t understand why everyone’s making such a big deal about all this,” Schwartz said. “All these high end purse companies have been coming up to me and asking me to wear their handbags. I mean, I already have two or three handbags. How many can one woman honestly use? I asked them to donate them to charity. It’s just superfluous. And while you’re at it, will someone please tell Jimmy Choo to stop sending me free pairs of shoes. I have a few pairs of sneakers and quite frankly they’re infinitely more comfortable.”
Understandably, Schwartz has alos been besieged by male suitors anxious to snare the only low-maintenance girl in the region.
“What is the deal with all these sleazy older men, trying to woo me with cheesy overpriced gifts and floral bouquets. I don’t care where they want to take me to dinner. Why on earth would I care if we went to Koi?” Schwartz said. “The food isn’t even that good anyway, and it’s such a scene. Give me an In-N-Out burger, a few bong rips and a rental movie and I’m a happy woman. I don’t need a guy to buy me expensive things, just someone reasonably attractive who cares about me.”
Consequently, Schwartz has left many male suitors heartbroken in her wake.
“I don’t understand, ” Fareed Mosal, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon said. “I picked her up in my red Porsche and took her to Kitana on Sunset Boulevard. The bill for dinner was $700. $700!! And she didn’t even want to put out. Do you know how many hookers I can buy with that money?? This is ridiculous.”
Lancaster expects that it will take Schwartz some time to get fully acclimated with this foreign culture.
“We’re definitely going to be keeping a close eye on her. After all, we need to preserve her as a historical relic. We don’t expect to find any more of these types of women, not here,” Lancaster said. “But I wouldn’t worry too much about her. Just give her a little bit of time to get used to it. I’m sure in no time she’ll be shopping at Barney’s, wearing furry boots in the summertime, donning dark aviator glasses and carrying a diamond-studded Sidekick. She’ll be perfectly normal in no time.”
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February 14th, 2006
In a stunning decision sure to reverberate across the country, Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he will join the United States Army and help the war effort in Iraq. The 65-year old will become the oldest active soldier in the United States’ fighting arsenal.
“It’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a very long time,” Cheney gruffly declared. “But I’m a perfectionist and I don’t do things half-assed. I needed to make sure that my shooting ability was top notch before I shipped off to Iraq. That was the reason for my four deferments from Vietnam. I couldn’t shoot straight. But now that I’ve mastered how to snipe away at innocent animals AND innocent trial attorneys, defeating not-so-innocent insurgents should be a piece of cake.”
Cheney’s quote referred to last week’s incident where he “accidentally” shot millionaire attorney Harry Whittington on a hunting trip in Texas.
“That was no accident,” a surprisingly forthright Cheney admitted. “Harry was helping me prepare. Sure, Iraq’s in the last throes of the insurgency but you’re damned right that we understand how serious the matter is. Harry’s a true patriot and he wanted to take some bullets for the country. My ability to hit him dead-on in the heart and face proved once and for all that I’m ready to take the fight from the wild and wooly woods of Texas to Iraq. I only have one message to tell Iraqi Insurgents: if you think you’ve seen shock and awe, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Army General John Abizaid is excited about the newest addition to his military.
“It certainly comes as a relief to our beleaguered army. I mean we’ve been having to take on recruits with drug and criminal backgrounds of late. Anything will help,” Abizaid confessed. “And in many ways, Cheney is the perfect soldier: cold-blooded, devoid of emotion, heartless. I think he’ll really be a killing machine. I mean, we have wanted him since Vietnam, but I respect his decision to wait.”
Certainly, the unexpected decision will leave the White House in turmoil. Experts have speculated wildly about who will replace Cheney, widely regarded as the most powerful vice-president in history. And no one is taking the news harder than President George W. Bush.
“I’m a little beside myself,” a solemn Bush stated. “What will I do? Who will tell me what to think? This is the worst I’ve felt since they cancelled Alf. I tell you what, I loved that show…he was such an adorable Melmac-ian. Heh Heh Heh Heh.”
Though Bush claimed that he won’t be able to get over Cheney’s departure anytime soon, he mentioned that he believed it was what was best for the country.
“To be completely frank, none of us have any clue what to do in Iraq. Sending Dick over there seems like the most sensible move,” Bush said.
“After all, since most of our politicians don’t have any children in the military it seemed like a good way to show the American people that we care about our troops. You better believe that if we sent our troops to Iraq without a clear-cut plan to win the peace, then we’re also willing to die for it ourselves.”
While the jury is still out on how much success Cheney will have in Iraq, the level of fear on the Baghdad streets runs high.
“Have you looked into that man’s eyes?” trembling insurgent, Mahmoud Zabar said. “He is a cold-blooded killer. I have never seen anything like it. Sure, we’ve had a great deal of success against the Americans over the past two years, but that was B.C., before Cheney. We will seriously need to re-think our strategy. He has the shooting ability of a young Lee Harvey Oswald. And I hear that he has magical bullets that can cause heart attacks in his targets. This is a very disturbing development!”
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February 13th, 2006
Following the unprecedented success of rapper Kanye West, executives from Sony/BMG music have decided to sign firebrand evangelical leader, Pat Robertson, to a three-album deal. The first album from the deal, Robertson’s rap music debut, “Real Motherfucking Saviors” is slated to drop on March 11 and has already taken the rap world by storm.
“Yo, I just peeped Pat’s flow on the Kay Slay Remix and it was motherfucking bananas,” long-time rap music veteran Funkmaster Flex said. “He knows what it takes to build a buzz on the circuit. Lots of motherfuckers be sayin’ some crazy shit, but ain’t no one gonna’ top Pat Robertson. He makes the Game look like a Sunday-School teacher.”
Indeed, Robertson’s knack for drawing controversy from his sometimes incendiary statements attracted the attention of Sony/BMG brass, eager to promote another rhyme-slinger with a eye on stirring things up.
“When I first heard his demo, I said to myself, this is a man who knows his rap music. You might not think he is familiar with ‘the game,’ but he certainly could’ve taught that Tupac Shakur fellow a thing or two,” Andrew Goldstein, the vice-president of A&R at Sony/BMG said. “When Kanye West’s sales shot up after his controversial comments about George Bush, my boss said to me, ‘Andrew find me the next Kanye. Or you’re fired!’ And I think the messiah that the rap world has been waiting for is here.”
According to sources close to the album, Robertson’s targets include an array of figures well-known throughout the worlds of music, politics and religion. People said to be lampooned include the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Hugo Chavez, Ariel Sharon, Howard Dean, Oprah, limousine liberals, Jews, the international whaling industry, Creed, Shakira, 50 Cent, Cam’Ron, and Mira Sorvino.
“Now I don’t exactly have a reputation for staying quiet,” the perpetually incensed Robertson admitted. “But it’s time that I stepped up my efforts. Lots of people are talking shit and I’m gonna’ bring the fire and brimstone, old-school style. People better be ducking their heads. Fuck the Wu-Tang, I’m bringing the ruckus!”
The rap world has long celebrated controversial figures. From Chuck D of Public Enemy to Tupac Shakur to Eminem to 50 Cent to Kanye West, the number of albums sold often correlates to the controversy that a rapper can generate. And Robertson has been no stranger to drama, as just month, his comments about the reasons behind Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke rouses the ire of prominent figures across the globe\.
“I mean sure, his comments were a bit inappropriate,” Goldstein admitted. “But that’s what you have to expect with a talented artist like Pat. He’s going to say what’s on his mind. It’s that devil-may-care attitude of his that makes him so damned compelling.”
Goldstein also mentioned that Sony has planned a major promotional kick for Robertson over the next month. He said that Rolling Stone has already scheduled a photo shoot for a cover story on the evangelist turned rapper. Though Goldstein declined to confirm it, rumors have been flying that Robertson will be shown as Jesus on the cover of the magaazine.
But Robertson hasn’t just been attracting fans on the mix-tape circuit and from music industry executives, as some of the biggest names in the rap world have been drawn to his bold flows and insatiable appetite for battling.
“Pat’s the real deal,” multi-platinum selling rapper Kanye West said. “I’ve been producing some of the tracks on his album and I think it’s safe to say that this the best project I’ve ever been a part of. We really bonded over our mutual admiration of God and the chemistry between the two of us is just really off the hook. Wait till you hear him and I on the ‘Jesus Walks Remix.’ Next year at the Grammy’s, people are gonna be sayin’ ‘yo dog who’s that?’ And the only response will be, ‘it’s Pat!”
Robertson himself admitted that his new album will showcase a different, even-more confrontational side of him.
“I think that people who only know me from the 700 Club will really be surprised by this album. The beats are hot, the flow is hot, but at the same time you’re getting to see the world the way Pat Robertson sees it,” Robertson said. “Sinners and rappers best be checking themselves lest they wreck themselves. There’s a new sheriff in town and he ain’t taking any hostages. I’m just gonna’ come out shooting motherfuckers. It’s on like John 3:16, bitches!”
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February 8th, 2006
As protests and violence continue to rage over a Danish newspaper’s decision to run a series of cartoons linking the prophet Mohammed with violence, the explosive anger within the Muslim world has risen to new heights in the face of the publication of another series of cartoons. In a move deemed insensitive to the ideals of Islam, the New York Times recently re-printed a “Classic Peanuts,” cartoon that featured Lucy Van Pelt tricking Charlie Brown into kicking a football, only to remove it at the very last second just to get a few laughs.
“How can the New York Times believe that they can get away with such an incendiary move, particularly in light of the damage that the Danish newspaper did to Islam?” Iranian Parlimentarian, Ali Muhammed Al- Shakeer said. “The images of Charlie Brown missing the football showcase a disrespect of men that is not tolerated in the Muslim religion. If men are supposed to be superior and forbid females from driving, voting, or leaving the house without donning proper Islamic garb, how are we to view this damning move by the so-called “cartoonist,” Charles Schulz.”
It seemed that the Danish cartoon-related violence that had spiraled out of control over the last week had begun to wane, before Syrian cleric Akbar Al-Hakiri got a hold of a six-month old copy of the Times that he found in a dumpster in downtown Damascus. According to published reports, Al-Hakiri took the cartoons to the scene of the riots and proceeded to explain the cartoon at length to his irritated countrymen.
“At first, it was a little hard for me to understand, because Sheik Al-Hariri had to explain to me exactly who Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt were,” Syrian rioter Waleed Bin Fakr, said. “However, when I finally understood the complex dynamic between the two, I became incensed beyond belief. Who is Lucy to do that to Charlie Brown? How can a bitch like her, dare to desecrate Charlie Brown, a symbol of manhood everywhere? How can this harridan do such a thing to a man with such a snazzy striped shirt? This is an affront to Muslims everywhere. Sheer blasphemy!”
The second wave of the riots spread from Damascus to Kabul, to Afghanistan to Iraq to Peshawar, Pakistan to Niger to Ghana, very much like a game of telephone, with much more fire, cursing and blood. Their furios tenor took the world by surprise. Accordingly, representatives from the West were quick to censure the New York Times’ bold decision to run the Peanuts Cartoons.
“Obviously, it is not a responsible thing for the New York Times to
run cartoons that could possibly defame Islam or the majority of Muslims who practice a peaceful and non-violent form of the religion. Consequently, I apologize for potentially offending anyone,” United States President George W. Bush said. “However, I defend the right of free speech and condemn any acts of violence that have broken out as a result of these cartoons. And I’d also like to add that while I do condemn the aforementioned Peanuts cartoon, I DO in fact love Snoopy. ‘Specially when he pretends to be the Red Baron. Heh Heh Heh.”
But representatives from the New York Times defended their decision to re-print the cartoon, claiming that the images have been wrongly misinterpreted.
“No, no, no, this is just a misunderstanding,” Arthur Salzberger Jr., publisher of the New York Times said. “Charles Schulz did not intend to show a harlot-like woman duping a young man. Rather he just wanted to show a friendly game of football gone terribly awry. The cartoon really just epitomizes the nature of a friendship gone terribly terribly wrong.”
Salzberger also shuddered at the potential effect that the violence may have on free speech.
“Where do we draw the line?” the publisher added. “If not Peanuts, then are we not supposed to run Garfield because we might offend people who don’t like lasagna. Are we not supposed to run Cathy in fear of offending people who have good taste? This is potentially an Orwellian development.”
Despite Bush’s apology and Salzberger’s explanation, the furor in the Muslim world continued unabated and some unexpect them to go on indefinitely.
“To be honest, I’m not sure exactly why I’m rioting,” admitted 16-year old Iranian rioter Shaheed Mubarak. “But let me tell you one thing, it’s sure fun. Everyone’s terrified of us now and I’ve got to be on television twice and in the newspaper once. Hi Mom!! This is so much cooler than sitting at home, wishing I had a job and cursing my own government because our unemployment rate is going to be 52 percent in two years.”
[ed. note: Because we at the Passion of the Weiss are dedicated to free speech, we have taken the brave route of re-publishing the controversial cartoons, unlike some of our brethren in the so-called “mainstream media.” We should like to publicly cite our solidarity with the New York Times and would like to add if any Muslim extremists are reading this blog, then it should be noted that the weblog does not really publish in Los Feliz, but rather it publishes in Fresno. Yes….Fresno. That’s the ticket.]
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January 24th, 2006
The other day I was driving a conservative 80 miles an hour when I decided that my lane was moving much too slowly for my tastes. Understandably, I veered into the adjacent lane where I subsequently cut off the driver of a maroon Nissan Sentra. But instead of him peacefully allowing entry into my preferred thoroughfare, the driver of the Sentra had the audacity to honk at me and give me the finger. I couldn’t believe his nerve and all I could do was stare at him with complete befuddlement. How did he think he had the right to do such a crazy thing? Didn’t he know who I was and what I was driving? I’m a good person damnit! I drive a Prius!
Ever since I got my Prius, people tell me all the time how fabulous it is and how special I am for what I’m doing. I’ll be honest, it was agonizing to have to wait for my car for a full three months and then to have to pay above the sticker price for a car only marginally attractive at best, but boy it’s worth it. Goddamnit, I’m doing my part to save the world! Are you?
I’m quite certain that if everyone on earth drove a Prius, all the ails of humanity would soon be cured. People would become smarter. The Red Sea would soon part. Jesus would return to earth and form a new kingdom of heaven and you know who would be one of the leaders of this new world order: Me. Why? Because I drive a Prius, fuck yeah!
If you don’t want to drive a Prius you’re obviously too stupid to live. Perhaps you went to some school for dumb people like UC-Santa Barbara. That would make sense. After all, I went to Stanford and I’m clearly smarter than you are. I listen to my iPod and play my Death Cab for Cutie albums and just rock the fuck out, all while in my Prius. Every now and then I park in a handicapped spot too. Sometimes, a meter maid will come, but she’ll never ticket me. In fact, she’ll usually wait for me to come back to my car so that she can give me a high five and tell me how awesome I am. Occasionally, she’ll offer me oral sex, because she wants to know what it’s like to perform oral sex on someone who drives a Prius (I’ll give you a hint, it’s fucking amazing).
That’s why it was so strange the other day when that evil driver in the Sentra flipped me off. Most of time when I cut off other drivers, they laugh and flash me the thumbs-up. Clearly, they understand that I’m a perfect human being and that I make the world a better place. One time, I even ran over an 8-year old girl while driving 65 miles per hour in a residential neighborhood. But instead of crying and yelling at me and threatening to kill me, the girl’s mother just gave off a hearty laugh and told me to go on my merry way (she also offered me oral sex, but I declined telling her I didn’t feel right considering that I had just nearly killed her daughter, ultimately she agreed).
Yet the more I contemplate the Sentra driver’s actions, the less sense everything makes. I mean, if the driver of the Sentra had been piloting a SUV, I might’ve understood. After all, anyone who drives a SUV is clearly a terrible human being. In fact, one of the darkest secrets of my past is that I once drove a SUV for about four months. Luckily, the moment I got my Prius, an all-consuming wave of peace and serenity swept over me. I understood what it was like to see God (he’s a short Asian man with Buddha-like Zen compassion; he likes to be called Charlie).
Yes, life is perfect. Woman want me, men want to be me and Osama Bin Laden is one step closer to being defeated, thanks to me and my super-sweet Prius. But if you want to know another secret, sometimes I hope that no one else ever gets a Prius and that Ford and General Motors never ever get their heads out of their asses and start making hybrid cars. After all, then I wouldn’t be as special and everyone would be just like me. But hopefully that day will never come and then I’ll always get to be the most amazing person in the entire word. Oh, thank you Toyota and your incredibly efficient lean manufacturing ability. Thank you Charlie for making a world so perfect that a Prius could be a part of it. And fuck you Nissan Sentra driver for not recognizing that I’m a good person because I drive a Prius. It is you who will forever burn in Hell, while I sip Tom Collins and recline on a hammock in heaven, reading a copy of esoteric philosophy while being hit-on by beautiful women. Dear Mr. Nissan Sentra owner, the joke is truly on you.
Sincerely,
One Proud Prius Owner (and one very good person)
[Editors note: While it cannot be proven whether or not Prius owners are indeed better or worse people, it has been scientifically proven that if you drive a Hummer you are in fact an asshole and in all probability, you have a penis the size of a chapstick]
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Best Of | 13 Comments »
January 23rd, 2006
One week after the fashion mix-up heard around the world, Ethiopian villagers from the tiny town of Adado continue to report that they still are distressed over Chanel’s gross negligence in lending Reese Witherspoon a dress that had formerly been worn by Kirsten Dunst.
“I’ve been over it so many times in my head and yet I can’t make sense of the whole thing,” 12-year old Ademu Yesfanyu said. “We have no television sets in my village so I only found out about this disaster a few days ago, yet I haven’t slept since I heard the news. How could Chanel have been so negligent?”
Indeed all of the inhabitants of the perennially impoverished Ethiopian nation have been severely devastated over Chanel’s snafu. Though the famed fashion house denied having knowledge of such a mix-up, the gown that Witherspoon wore to this year’s Golden Globes Awards had been worn by Dunst to the same awards program in 2003.
Sadly, Witherspoon believed the gown — in a champagne color with metallic trim on the bust — was vintage, her publicist, Nanci Ryder, was reported as telling the New York Post in Wednesday’s editions.
But as the inconsolable villagers of Adado can tell you, no amount of apology and contrition can make up for Witherspoon’s embarrassment.
“Reese Witherspoon is the preeminent movie star of our time,” Desta Amhara, a 72-year old Adado villager said. “Have the people from Chanel not seen Witherspoon’s powerful work in movies such as “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Legally Blonde?” Just last year, most of the people in our village walked hundreds of miles to the capital city of Addis Ababa to watch the marathon of Legally Blonde 1 and 2 that ran non-stop for a week straight during the week of the Winter rains. In our country, Witherspoon is a God and worthy of extreme veneration. Chanel has not just disgraced the good name of Witherspoon. It has disgraced the mighty village of Adado. It has disgraced the sacred nation of Ethiopia.”
Upon hearing word of the Ethiopian villagers distress, Chanel representatives issued yet another public apology.
“It was never our intention to disgrace anyone,” Pierre Bonsoir, Chanel’s media representative tearfully remarked. “We really did think it was a vintage gown. And for the Ethiopian people to be this upset, we feel even worse. In fact, we’re going to donate 5,000 luxury ballroom gowns to the village for their people to wear. Despite the fact that 81 percent of Ethiopians live below $2 a day, they need glamour too.”
But some of the villagers of Adado continue to feel otherwise.
“We don’t need gowns. What am I going to do with a gown?” 37-year old subsistence farmer Abebe Adan said. “Is Chanel going to pay me for the week of crops that I have been unable to cultivate? I haven’t been able to do a damn thing since I heard the news. I completely understand why my brothers and sisters in America have been so outraged over this issue. I’m so happy that the international news outlets have jumped on this story. It is not just a matter for the Americans. It is a matter for the entire globe. I hope the UN takes action against these rogue clothiers.”
Witherspoon’s publicists agreed that this dress mix-up may indeed be a matter for the United Nations.
“Reese has been handling this matter with the utmost dignity, however, she is clearly emotionally ruined,” Josephine Cartwright, Witherspoon’s alternate publicist, angrily declared. “And I believe that Chanel hasn’t shown the proper amount of regret for their egregious actions. As the courageous protests by the Ethiopians have shown, the world is incensed over Chanel’s utter duplicity. Does the United Nations HAVE to get involved? I’m not sure. But should it get involved? Probably. This is an issue that cuts across race, religion and ethnicities. It is an issue for the people of Planet Earth.”
Currently, the United Nations has not yet issued a statement on the issue, although the Security Council is rumored to be on the verge of commencing deliberations over what action to take. In the meantime, the villagers of Adado have issued a statement declaring that they will give the 5,000 Chanel dresses to Witherspoon, in the hopes that she will be able to re-sell them.
“We felt that we needed to do something,” Meles Tesfai, the town’s leader said. “Hopefully, the dresses will be able to provide Witherspoon enough income to ameliorate her sorrows. Though
Witherspoon’s estimated salary of $25 million a year is nearly 10 times as much as our villagers make combined each year, we all have agreed that a gesture of solidarity is in order. If Chanel will not appease the great Witherspoon, then we will just have to take action into our own hands.”
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In 1996 there wasn’t a bigger rap group on earth than the Fugees, the group that practically invented the formula of making rap music for white people who don’t like rap. In that sense I suppose you can call them pioneers, as this was well before the two-pronged sonic disaster of Kanye West and the Neptunes became the soundtrack for people with bad taste in hip-hop. Yes in 1996, the world belonged to the crew of Lauryn Hill, Wyclef and Pras as they ascended to the top of the charts with their second album, The Score.
