John Mayer Protest Song Ends Iraq War

In a shocking reversal of fortune, Iraq, a nation recently teetering on the brink of Civil War has finally stabilized, as Iraqi insurgents of all stripes have laid down their arms, agreeing to love one another, regardless of religious sect or philosophical difference. In a magnanimous gesture, the United States will pull out its troops out of Baghdad, effective tomorrow. Sources within Iraq claim that the cessation of conflict stems largely from “Waiting On the World to Change,” an Anti-War song penned by American singer/songwritard, John Mayer.

Army General, David Petraeus, who took over from General George Casey just last week, explained how Mayer’s utopian ballad, and the not the recent Baghdad crackdown, ultimately paid the greatest dividends for the United States.

“What a talent that young man has!” Petraeus gushed, partially in shock from the conflict’s abrupt ending. “When Jenna [Bush] told Dubya that all the sorority girls from Texas were listening to it, he was skeptical. But the Commander-in-Chief understood that air-dropping copies of Continuum on the Iraqi people was our last best hope to turn back to the tide of the insurgency. The moment the Iraqis heard Mayer’s oh-so-sweet voice and deep-as-the-ocean floor lyrics, they understand that they were powerless to a greater power: the power of love.”

Muqtada Al-Sadr, the Iraqi cleric and head of the Shiite Mahdi army based in the impoverished slums of Sadr City, agreed that Mayer’s hit single was the crucial difference in altering the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.

Yet They Still Hate “Your Body’s A Wonderland”

“We still curse the infidel Americans and their head piglet, George Bush. But we do not curse this so-called John Mayer,” Al-Sadr said with the shaking of a clenched fist. “I remember the first time I heard “Waiting for the World to Change.” Me and Muhammed Ibn-Al-Sheikh were at the Mosque for Friday prayers. Then, over the loudspeakers out came the holy Mayer’s words: “And we’re still waiting/waiting on the world to change/we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change/one day our generation is gonna’ rule the population/so we keep on waiting/waiting on the world to change.”
Mayer himself was pleased but unsurprised by the incredible impact of his song.

“I knew this song was gonna’ be special from the moment it first popped into my head. I’d just fucked Jessica and I rolled over to her and was like, ‘yo, J.” And she was like “yo, J, y’all.” And I was like, ‘this war sucks,’ and Jessica was like, “war? What war” Mayer said, suddenly breaking into his “guitar face” despite no guitars being in sight. “That’s when I knew that I needed to do something, to let the world know that hey, Neil Young, Green Day, The Dixie Chicks, Burt Baccharach, Merle Haggard, Billy Bragg, Bright Eyes, Steve Earle, The System of the Down, and many others may have written anti-war songs, but I’m John Mayer. What the world really is waiting on is protest music from the man who wrote the song,”My Stupid Mouth.”

Jessica Simpson was very proud of the success of her beau.

“Some guys…all they want to do is fuck, because I’m like, totally hot,” the blonde temptress gushed. “But John really cares. He wants to fuck and then talk about geo-poetry, all night long. I never knew the Iraq War had this much to do with ‘the shocker.’ John is truly talented. He is no Nick Lachey,” Simpson confidently declared.

Your Body Won’t Be a Wonderland When I Get Through With It

Yet not everyone was pleased by Mayer’s ability to end the Iraq War. Vice-President Dick Cheney expressed his disdain for Mayer’s work, claiming that the troubadork had very little to do with the end result.

“John Mayer can go fuck himself!” Cheney growled. “The insurgency was in its last throes well over two years ago. The ending of the war is a natural extension of the policies that this administration has enacted. It’s good to see that the Iraq people have finally realized that we are their liberators. It took long enough. After being here for four years, it was about time that we finally saw some fucking tossed flower petals. On a personal note, its a sad day for me. I’d grown rather attached to the Iraq war. I’ll be sad to see it go. At least there’s always Iran.”

Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Best Of | 7 Comments »

Anna Nicole Smith Dies: A Nation Struggles to Cope

It is a sad day for America. The flag sits at half mast while a nation riven by ethnic, religious and political tension unites to cope with the shocking loss of Anna Nicole Smith, its preeminent former stripper turned Playboy Playmate turned obese reality television star. Indeed, our nation’s mourning has manifested itself in various ways. In lieu of donations, her family has asked that spare silicone and peroxide be donated to the Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Fund, to teach underprivileged girls how to select themselves a billionaire Octagenarian. And millions have responded, once again showcasing the generosity of the American people.

Yet out of the countless scores affected by this unspeakable tragedy, the president of her fan club, Morris Van Kamp, of Skokie, Illinois, might be the most desolate, claiming that the loss of Smith has made life simply un-worth living.

“I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t drink. All I can do is sit here, in front of my computer, and stare at my Anna Nicole screen saver and think why her god? Why not me? Or why not Pamela Anderson?” Van Kamp said, blowing his noise with a tissue plucked from the box next to his computer. “The tabloids liked ripping on Anna, focusing on the negative things, like the time she married a walking corpse for the money, or the many times she talked about how she needed to ‘fuck’ in front of her teenage son, or even how she couldn’t stop her poodle Sugar Pie from humping everything in the room. But what those people fail to mention is how hot she looked in her playboy video. (nsfw…via Goldenfiddle)

Pucker Up

While Van Kamp pointed to the routine humiliation inflicted on Smith by the tabloids, Betty Carter, a producer at Extra spoke out about the situation down at the magazine’s Los Angeles-based headquarters.

“A lot of people believe we had it out for Anna, but that was far from reality. In fact, right now, down at headquarters, the staff are swathed in black, performing a candle-lit vigil, praying for her soul,” Carter said solemnly, wiping a tear from her face. “This was the last thing we wanted for Anna Nicole. Reality TV stars don’t grow on trees. And even if they did, no tree could produce anything so train-wreck entertaining as Anna Nicole….Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go call Bobby Trendy for a quote.”

Yet Nicole Smith die-hards and tabloid editors aren’t the only ones in pain. Americans as far away as Baghdad are suffering from the loss of this national icon. In particular, Daniel Bradshaw, a colonel in the United States Army’s 103rd Regiment, expressed his anguish at Smith’s loss.

“It’s not easy here in Baghdad. Today, alone I had to interrogate four suspected insurgents, dodge three roadside bombs and duck twice from sniper bullets,” Bradshaw said. “But to come back to base and turn on the TV to see that the American people are uniting over Anna Nicole’s death? Well that makes me want to keep fighting. The world must be made safe for our nation’s most important domestic product: reality television programs full of silicone-chested scantily clad blond women. USA! USA! USA!”

Goodnight….Sweet Princess

Even President Bush expressed his regret at the death of his fellow Texan.

“Anna Nicole and I go way back. Back when I was a young man that hadn’t found Jesus and hadn’t yet given up Jim Beam, I used to watch her dance all around Houston. Heh Heh Heh,” Bush said, with a chuckle and a smirk. “In fact, I introduced to her to J. Howard Marshall. Him and pop were buddies, back in their oil-baron days. Her death is a sad day for America and reminds everyone once again, not to mess with Texas. Perhaps this great nation can learn from tragedy and unite behind a cause that can make this nation great once again: cutting taxes on the rich.”

Ultimately, despite the epic nature of this tragedy, even the most broken-up souls expressed hope for the future.

“While the nation will never be able to replace Anna Nicole, her death shouldn’t be looked at as tragedy. Instead, it should be looked at as an affirmation of the American dream,” Van Kamp said. “Where else can a stripper marry a man on the verge of death and go on to take half of his fortune, become a reality TV star and make millions of Americans fall in love with her. Where else can someone lacking in any and all discernible talent or intelligence become incredibly wealthy off the size of her breasts alone. Somewhere a little girl can go to sleep tonight, snug and safe in her bed, knowing that if Anna Nicole can do it, by god, so can she.”

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Blogger Dies of Heart Attack Waiting For Arcade Fire Leak

In what is believed to be the first fatality ever attributed due to anxiety for an album leak, blogger Eugene Wilhelm of Seattle, Washington has passed away at the tender age of 24 years old. While medical professionals attribute Wilhelm’s death to several blocked arteries that stemmed the flow of blood to his heart, those close to Wilhelm claim that the real reason stems from his unchecked anticipation for the new release from the Montreal based-septet, The Arcade Fire.

According to Wilhelm’s closest friend, Erick Simpson, Wilhelm had been sleepless for several days leading up to his death.

“It was terrible. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t eat. All he could do was sit in front of the computer with glazed eyes, constantly searching for the album on Soulseek and Oink. At one point he called me up ranting and raving. I think the first song, “Intervention” had just leaked. All he kept saying was ‘Erick…do you hear that organ…do you hear that organ….it sounds like God. It sounds like God.”

Wilhelm’s ex-girlfriend Nancy Farrar said that Wilhelm’s interest in the Arcade Fire had been one of the reasons for their break-up.

“All he could talk about was Arcade Fire this…Funeral that…Pitchfork this…but they all trade instruments that!! He even named his blog “In the Blogseat” after one of the songs on their debut. I was like ‘look they’re a good band and all, but they didn’t exactly invent bread,” Farrar said solemnly. “But he wouldn’t stop. He told me that Win Butler was better than any kind of bread ever made. Even raisin bread. I thought that that was a bit much. I told him that if he liked Win Butler so much, he should just date him. To which he responded…”fine then…maybe I will.”

Win Butler: “I Didn’t Do It.”

Win Butler, the lead singer of the Arcade Fire expressed sadness over Wilhelm’s death, but made it clear that neither he nor the rest of the band should bear any responsibility for it.

“Look, I’m sad that the kid died, but honestly, we’re just a band. We make music. We’ve only released like 15 songs ever. I’m pleased that people listen to our music, but perhaps people should focus on things more important, like curing polio.” When Butler was informed that polio has already been cured, he added. “Or curing cancer. It doesn’t matter. We’re just a band.”

But others feel differently. In particularly, Wilhelm’s grieving mother, Cindy Wilhelm declared that to her son, the Arcade Fire were more than “just a band.”

“If you could only have seen the look in my son’s eyes when he ran upstairs from the basement and started screaming “look mom, ‘Black Mirror’ leaked.” I haven’t seen him that happy since before he got dumped by that bitch Nancy Farrar,” Cindy Wilhelm. “His heart seemed fine then. Really, I didn’t think anything of it until this week when a live performance of new material leaked. He screamed for about an hour with excitement and then he went strangely silent.”

Wilhelm’s body wasn’t discovered until 6 p.m. that evening, when his mom found his cold body, still slumped over his computer, with his fingers still right-clicked on his mouse. Attempts to revive the fallen blogger were futile.

Wiping a tear from his eyes, Simpson mourned the loss of his fallen friend.

“What saddens me the most about it is that Eugene never even got to hear the album. I honestly think if he could’ve heard it, he would’ve died a happy man. But now? Nothing. His life was all for naught. He truly loved this band. He was even planning to name his first son Win Butler Wilhem. This is tragic, I just wish we could’ve staged an intervention of some sort to try to save him.”

When reminded that “Intervention” was the first song leaked from the new album, Neon Bible. Simpson shrugged and grinned slightly.

“I guess that’s what they call irony. Perhaps when Eugene first heard the song it truly was a sign from God. I mean….it is a really good song. ”

God declined to comment for this story.

Download:
MP3: The Arcade Fire-”Intervention”

The Passion of the Weiss takes no responsibility for any heart attacks that may ensue.

Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?, Best Of | 18 Comments »

A Review of the Film Bobby or A (Probably) Fictional Conversation Between Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie Inside a Locked Bathroom Stall at Hyde

Nicole Richie: Oh my god, Lindsay, I just saw Bobby and it was like the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

Lindsay Lohan: Bobby? Is that new club on La Cienega? I love that place. It’s so hot right now.

NR: No, it’s a movie about Bobby Kennedy. You were in it.

LL: I was? [Long Wistful Pause] Oh, yeah…now I sorta’ remember… I was so fucked up while we were filming.

NR: Speaking of which….

[The two girls laugh loudly and loud snorting noises are heard]

NR: Now I feel better… Whoo…anyway…what was it like working with Emilio?

LL: Emilio!!!!!

NR: Emilio!!! Ducks fly together!!!

LL: Um…it was like totally whatever, the whole time we were shooting he had this strange mustache…he looked like a gay porn star. Named Bruno.

Now Anthony…I’m not sure how familiar you are with my work, but there’s this scene in Mighty Ducks 3….

NR: Ewww…gay porn stars are gross. Whatever, he was married to Demi Moore in the movie. I thought she looked so hot playing that washed up singer.

LL: Yeah, she’s like totally hot. When I’m her age, I totally hope I look like that. I guess that’s what plastic surgery’s for.

[The two girls laugh and more loud snorting noises are heard]

NR: Yeah…plastic surgery rules….speaking of which…how hot did Heather Graham look in the movie when she was screwing William H. Macy?

LL: So hot…it made me want to get implants so bad.

NR: Didn’t you used to have implants?

LL: I don’t know. Who remembers?

The Next LA Trend–Breasts Up to Girls’ Necks: Gravity Bedamned!!

[More laughing. More snorting. Someone starts pounding loudly on the bathroom door.]

NR: Shut the fuck up!!! We’re famous!!! So Lindz, what made you want to do Bobby in the first place.

LL: I dunno…my agent said it would give me credibility….whatever….but I only did it to get close to Ashton Kutcher…he’s so hot.

NR: Yeah…he was the best part of the movie. He was a funny acid dealer.

LL: You know who wasn’t funny though, Sharon Stone? Her part was sad.

NR: I thought she totally nailed the transvestite look.

LL: She wasn’t supposed to be a tranny! Eww… and don’t say that about Sharon…she’s like totally a hero of mine.

Sharon Stone: Taking Fashion Cues from Her Idol, Rupaul

NR: You’re right. I’m sorry. She’s awesome. Have you seen Sliver? It’s like totally classic cinema.

LL: I haven’t seen anything made before 1995.

NR: Yeah, I haven’t seen that much either. But it was nominated for best picture back in the day…but like who cares, tell me about what was it like playing against Elijah Wood? Is he gay?

LL: I’m not sure. To be honest, I was too busy trying to hook up with Christian Slater. He’s so cute.

NR: Is that Jack Nicholson’s son?

LL: I think so.

NR: But you know what I thought was so cool about the movie?

LL: Getting to see celebrities in every scene? Oh my god, it was so cool, it was like going to the movies and being at Hyde the whole time.

NR: No, I was gonna’ say that it really moved me. It was like totally historical and stuff.

LL: Really? Like how?

NR: Well, it was about Bobby Kennedy.

LL: Oh, the hot dead dude.

Bobby Kennedy: His Last Dying Request Was to Have a Movie Made About His Assassination Starring Lindsay Lohan, Nick Cannon, Heather Graham and Joshua Jackson

NR: Yeah, that’s the one. The movie made me think that there were all these parallels between our time and the 60s.

LL: Really, that’s so deep? Only a genius could’ve figured that one out. You must be a genius.

NR: I’m pretty sure I am.

[Cue more snorting noises and more pounding].

NR: Anyway, like I was saying…it’s like the 60’s because times are tough for a lot of people, there is still racism and then there’s the war, which totally seems like Vietnam all over again.

LL: We’re at war?

NR: Yes, but that’s not the only problem with America. The people are hungry and we have a President who thinks the only way to help the problem is to give tax breaks to the wealthy?

LL: The people are hungry? Who cares about the people? Let them eat coke.

Rating: C-

Download from the Bobby soundtrack
MP3: The Moody Blues: “Tuesday Afternoon”
MP3: Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: “The Tracks of My Tears”

Bonus: The Song That Wasn’t On the Bobby Soundtrack, But Should’ve Been
MP3: RZA: “B.O.B.B.Y”

Posted in The Fakest News in Town, It Got Weird, Didn't It? | 7 Comments »

Mark Foley Needs a Hot Boy

Over the past month, the nation has been riveted by the Mark Foley scandal, in which the former Republican congressman got himself in trouble for allegedly attempting to seduce young Congressional pages via IM. Most recently, two days ago The Washington Post reported that Foley made friends with a wide circle of teenaged House of Representatives pages, then singled out “hot boys ” to write to. Naturally, the press has not given names of exactly who these “Hot Boys” were, but in a Passion of the Weiss exclusive, I’ve uncovered the identies of these Hot Boys, as well as new previously unreported IM messages between Foley and the four young Hot Boys who apparently go by the names: Juvenile, L’il Wayne, BG and Turk.

The first IM transcript contains a chat between Foley and the youngest member of the Hot Boys: L’il Wayne.

Maf54: So Wayne…can I call you Wayne?
Weezie16: How they do…this is L’il Weezie bitch…I’ll leave you missin’ like the fucking O’ Bannon’s.
Maf54: Fair enough L’il Weezie…so tell me…exactly how old are you.
Weezie16: Lil’ Wayne in the twat have it hurtin and thumpin
They be like, “that n***ga small girl but he workin wit somethin”
Maf54: So you’re small…I take it you’re the youngest of the crew…perfect.
Weezie16: Lil’ Wayne on fire…I’ll smash on your boo before a hot girl bang
What’s the matter with you?
Maf54: Nothing’s the matter with me….nothing’s the matter at all…so Weezie…tell me…are you a hot boy?
Weezie16: I like’em hot, the ones that don’t tell me to stop.
Maf54: I’ll take that as a yes. So tell me…are you horny?
Weezie16: It’s time to slang dick and fuck a ho.
Maf54: lol…..so tell me…what you need boy?
Weezie16: I need a hot girl.
Maf54: Are you sure that’s what you want…do you want boys?
Weezie16: I want a hot girl..brb.
Maf54: I am hard as rock.
Weezie16: I’m one egg short of an omelette.
Maf54: I like omelettes. Y’know what else I like. Oral sex. Y’know Weezie…if you’re ever up in Washington you could always stay at my place. I’m always here, I’m always lonely, and I’m always up for oral sex.
Weezie16: I don’t spit I vomit.
Maf54: Ooh….you don’t spit…perfect.
Weezie16: I’ll shoot you in your thigh and leg…
Maf54: mmm…you can shoot me anywhere you want.
Weezie16: I’ll make you ketchup like mayonaise.
Maf54: Mayonaise? Is that what they call it in Magnolia….tell me more young man…tell me more.
Weezie 16 signed off at 4:54 a.m.

While my sources could not verify whether or not Foley spoke with BG and Turk (has anyone spoken to them since 1999?), I was also enable to procure this IM conversation between the disgraced Florida congressman and the Hot Boy, Juvenile.

Maf54: So Juvenile…I must tell you I like your name…Juvenile…it’s so naughty…haha…
Juvie69: You ain’t scared ha…you know how to play it ha?
Maf54: Oh…I know how to play it haha…I know how to play it.
Juvie69: That’s how you keep yo’ old lady because you keep fuckin’ her friends ha
Maf54: No, I don’t have an old lady. Not quite. So tell me, Juvenile…how’s my favorite young stud doing?
Juvie69: Shit ain’t hard as it seems ha….you keep your body clean ha…you got a lot of Girbaud jeans ha…some of your partners dope fiends ha…you really don’t want to fuck with them n***gaz ha.
Maf54: So you’re wearing Girbaud jeans…um so a big bulge?
Juvie69: That dick got hard ha…when you were looking at them little broads ha…you don’t know when to quit ha…that’s you with that shot calling shit ha
Maf54: Well…I’d like to think that I call some of the shots. After all, I am a United States congressman…but enough about me….so tell me Juvenile…did you spank it this weekend?
Juvie69: I be slangin’ wood yeah…out the hood yeah…let it be understand yeah…it’s all good yeah.
Maf54: Slangin’ wood you say? Love details.
Juvie69: I’m sweatin’ in the drawers yeah….hard and long…yeah…wanna walk you like a dog yeah…break you off yeah…
Maf54: Do you really do it face down?
Juvie69: Get mine…you gonna’ get yours yeah. That’s for sure…yeah..
Maf54: Cute butt bouncing in the air.
Juvie69: Call me big daddy when you back that azz up.
Maf54: Ha ha…great visual…I may try that.

Maf54 signed off at 2:23:35 PM

Download
Hot Boys: “I Need a Hot Girl” (right-click, save as)
DJ Drama and L’il Wayne: “Cannon” (AMG Remix) (right-click, save as)

Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Best Of, It Got Weird, Didn't It? | 11 Comments »

Local Man Pretty Sure He’s A Global Warming Expert After Seeing Gore Documentary

After watching the Al Gore global warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth two weeks ago, Altadena resident, Nick Chesterfield has become convinced of his expertise on the topic of global warming.

“There’s not really all that much that you need to know. You can just watch that Al Gore fellow talk for a little bit and you become pretty damned sure that global warming exists. Two hours and it’s all you’ll ever need to know.”

When pressed for details upon his illumination, Chesterfield was hard-pressed to point out specifics.

“Look, I don’t need to prove myself. I saw the movie. I know what I’m talking about,” Chesterfield said testily. “Did you see the CO2 chart that Al Gore showed with the big pink line that went way up in the air. That’s because of human beings. And if you can’t trust a big pink line in a powerpoint presentation than who can you trust? And did you see the cartoon of polar bears drowning in their icebergs. That was sad. Global warming is bad. I like polar bears.”
Reached for comment, Al Gore seemed satisfied that the documentary had managed to make an impact on the American public.

“I’m so glad that my campaign propag…I mean my film has had such an impact on the American public. Obviously, Nick Chesterfield is an incredibly intelligent man.” Gore said solemnly. “Global warming is a serious problem that not only threatens Americans but the entire world. Do you like Manhattan? Well, if you like the city of Manhattan than you better hang onto my every word, because in the year 2048, Manhattan will be underwater. Thanks to global warming. Global warming and Republicans. Republicans are evil. Gore in 08!”

But reaction to Chesterfield’s epiphany wasn’t all unanimous. In fact, his wife Bonnie Chesterfield has repeatedly expressed irritation with her husband.

“It isn’t that I think Nick’s wrong. He’s probably right. After all what kind of a thinking person supports global warming. It’s just that Nick won’t shut up about the whole thing. Global warming this and global warming that. The guy sees a two hour documentary and suddenly he thinks he’s a scientist ,” Bonnie Chesterfield opined. “That documentary bored me to tears. Okay, I get it. Global warming is bad. Now can I go home? I didn’t need to pay $10 bucks to see Al Gore lionized. And I don’t care what anyone says, that man is the most boring person I’ve ever seen. The whole thing seemed to be an excuse for the Democrats to pat themselves on the back for being smarter than the Republicans. I suppose that’s an achievement of some sort, sort of like being the richest man in Bangladesh”

When asked if the film had inspired any changes in the Chesterfield household, Nick Chesterfield declined to get into specifics.

“We definitely have tried to make changes. I tried to recycle but we don’t have a recycling bin and I was too lazy to go down to the depot. So that’s out. And I thought about trading in my Tahoe for a Prius, but how could we drive the kids to soccer practice? Whatever, it’s all George Bush’s fault. Why can’t he just sign that Kyo-yo treaty anyway?”
George Bush declined to comment for the story, instead directing reporters towards statements that he made in the October 11th 2000, Presidential debate. According to aides close to Bush, his views remain the same six years later.

“Some of the scientists, I believe, haven’t they been changing their opinion a little bit on global warming? There’s a lot of differing opinions and before we react I think it’s best to have the full accounting, full understanding of what’s taking place. After all, global warming is just a theory.”

Posted in The Fakest News in Town | 3 Comments »

Zarqawi Disappointed By Sexual Performance of Virgins In Heaven

After nearly a week in heaven, former Al-Queda in Iraq leader, Abu Musab Zarqawi is irate with the sexual performance, or lack thereof, of the 72 virgins he received upon his arrival in Heaven, Wednesday morning.

“I guess I didn’t think it out as well as I probably should have,” Zarqawi said in a rare moment of candor. “I mean it’s great and all that God didn’t just give me 72 skanks, but at the same time, I haven’t exactly been treated to orgy after orgy either. What gives? After all this is Heaven. How many times do you have to hear a girl say, I’m not ready yet. How about a nice hand job instead?”

Indeed Zarqawi admitted that he may have been misled by the Imams on Earth who prophesized that wild times lay ahead.

“Martyrdom, shmartydrom…,” Zarqaqi chuckled (yes, he chuckles). “The problem is that I’d never actually been with a virgin on earth and had no idea what being a virgin actually entailed. Do you know how many times we’ve just made out all night with me begging to at least see one breast, and yet nothing? And then when I do get somewhere with one of my virgins, they always mess up. Let’s just say that these girls did not watch the oral sex tutorial scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Quite frankly, I’m in a whole lot of pain. I think the great prophet Eric “Eazy-E” Wright best described my plight when he said, “Quit biting it and shit.”
But hip hop allusions aside, Zarqawi said that the worst part about the 72 virgins isn’t even the fact that after five days in heaven, all 72 remain virgins. Rather Zarqawi claims that Mohammed included Jews in the much vaunted “72 Virgin Premium Package.” When asked for his reasons behind the inclusion of Jews, Mohammed only laughed heartily.

“I just did it to mess with Abu. He’s so serious and all, so I said to myself, how can I best screw with his head?” Mohammed said. “Then it hit me… Jews. Specifically, Jewish women. You know it might not get mentioned in the ‘elitist western press’ but I have a pretty damned good sense of humor. Did you hear the one about the insane dictator, the weapons of mass destruction and the village idiot? That one gets me every time?”

Yet while Mohammed seems to be quite giddy with the matchmaking that he has done, Zarqawi is not the only one dissastisfied with the situation. Rachel Goldberg, one of Zarqawi’s 72 virgins has been unimpressed with her new husband.

“Um…he might’ve been a big deal down on earth, but if he thinks I’m just gonna’ put out when and where he wants, he’s got another thing coming,” Goldberg said. “First of all, he refuseses to as much as take me out to a nice dinner first. I don’t want to stay in and cook for him. I want to be both wined and dined. And have I gotten any jewelry yet? No! What’s in it for me? It’s bad enough to have to tell my parents that he’s a goyim, but a poor goyim?? He both refuses to convert and to support my lifestyle. If you wanna’ know the truth, something tells me that this so-called Al-Queda in Iraq job isn’t such a high-paying gig.”
And yet down on earth, Zarqawi’s inability to score has not deterred any of his Al-Queda in Iraq partners from pursuing their dreams of martyrdom. Shaheed Rahim Abdul, one of Zarquawi’s top lieutenenants claims that he’s just as ready to die today as he was yesterday.

“First of all, you’ve got to understand Abu,” Abdul smirked. “The man might be a terrorist mastermind, but he has no game. None. Seriously, I’ve seen it. The man couldn’t get laid in a Babylonian whorehouse, and if you know Babylonian whorehouses the way that I know Babylonian whorehouses, it’s really tough not to get laid. I’m sure he’s doing something wrong. When I finally am martyred, God willing, those virgins won’t be virgins for very long. Know what I’m saying?”

Zarqawi dismissed Abdul’s claims, calling them “ridiculous lies” and hinting that Abdul may in fact be on the side of the “infidels.” But while Zarqawi’s lack of consummation may be constantly mocked by his former brethren, he insists that all in all, things are looking up.

“I’m pretty sure that I’ve been able to convince one of the of the girls to get drunk tonight. The Koran says that I’m not allowed to get drunk, but it doesn’t say anything about one of my 72 virgins, heh heh heh,” Zarquawi said. “And if that doesn’t work out, well there’s 71 others. I’m not worried. I’m a numbers man. I’ve got myself a sizable bedroom, some Barry White albums, and a bottle of Corvoirsier. One of these days, something’s gotta’ give.”

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Jews Officially Give Up Search For Messiah

In the aftermath of the media uproar surrounding the birth of miracle baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, the Jewish people have officially announced the end of the search for a messiah. Accordingly, throngs of Jews have flocked to Jerusalem to await the end of the days and the emergence of Jolie-Pitt to start separating out the damned from those who will be saved. The child, the offspring of actor/deity/philosopher kings Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, ends a quest that according to Jewish doctrine, began in the city of Ur when Abraham first saw God in a burning bush. The burning bush allegedly commanded Abraham to be the leader of a great new religion, whose people would inevitably spend the next 5,000 years being persecuted, waiting for the messiah and trying to make vast quantities of money in the banking, law, medical and comedy industries in the interim.

However, according to the chief rabbi of Jerusalem, Yonah Metzger, the wait is over.“.“At first when I heard the news about the messiah, I decided to turn to the lord in prayer. I prayed, but then I said, ‘you know what I’ve waited enough. It’s just rude not to show up on time.” So I decided to turn to the next best source of advice: celebrity magazines,” Metzger said. “It turns out that our messiah already has quite the following. Did Jesus appear on the cover of In Touch, Star, People, US Weekly, Life and Style, and OK! Weekly, his first week on earth? I don’t think so. All I have to say to the goyim is that our messiah is better than your messiah. We’re so sick of coming in second place. Finally, we win. At last.”

Though no word has come down whether or not Jolie-Pitt is interested in becoming the messiah, it seems that it isn’t up to her. At least, if the Jewish people have a say in the matter. Accordingly, many prominent Jewish celebrities have congregated in Jerusalem to await the coming of their savior. Prominent Hasidic Reggae star Matisyahu is one of them.
“When I first heard about Shiloh’s birth, my initial thought was that people were talking about the classic 1996 family film, Shiloh. Back when I used to follow Phish around the country, we used to get all high and watch Shiloh. Have you ever watched a movie about a boy and his dog…on weed?? It’s awesome,” Matisyahu rambled. “When I first heard about Shiloh, I called up my spiritual advisor in Hebron. But he was in the middle of a gun fight and couldn’t talk to me. Apparently, Shiloh’s magic has yet to begin. So I turned to the second-most-important person in my life, Jake Klein, my A&R from Sony. He seemed to be throwing his allegiance towards Shiloh, so I figured why not? It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing for the Jews these past few thousand years anyway.”

But the bedlam currently underway in Jersusalem hasn’t just been the province of previously orthodox Jews. Shawn Green, an outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks and widely considered the best Jewish athlete in the United States, decided to interupt his all-star season to fly to Jerusalem to wait for the emergence of the chosen one.

“I was confused,” Green said bluntly. “What am I supposed to do now? Do I play on Yom Kippur? Do I play on Saturdays? Everything seems to be so up in the air. I figured the best bet was to come to Israel and wait for her arrival. We’ll figure the details out later. Sure, our general manager is pissed off, but people don’t seem to understand the magnitude of it all. It’s not just the savior of a people who has been born, it’s the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They are actors, having an actor child. I’d be crazy not to come.”

However, sources in Jerusalem were most shocked when Bob Dylan nee Zimmerman, the former alleged savior of the Jewish people, showed up to pay homage to the new Queen of the Jews.“Back in the 1960’s, a lot of people thought I was the savior of the Jews, because I was just a good folksinger. But this girl is so much more than that. She’s the children of really really ridiculously good looking people,” Dylan said. “I just wish that Shiloh had arrived in the late 70’s. It might have stopped me from converting to Christianity and making the Slow Train Coming, Saved and Shot of Love albums. Thank god all the spotlight is off me for once and back where it belongs, on the just-born infant daughter of the stars of “Cool World,” and “Tomb Raider.” Wow.”

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Local Man Depressed For Friendster

Local doctors have announced that they have diagnosed the first-ever-recorded case of a man becoming clinically depressed for a social networking website. The man in question, 24-year old Woodland Hills resident, Michael Hale, recently checked into the psychiatric unit of Holy Cross Hospital, due to massive symptoms of depression and potential suicidal tendencies.

“At first, I thought my depression was due to the fact that I was living in the Valley, but as it went on and on, I realized that it was a lot more than that,” the formerly gregarious and social 24-year old said. “I slowly began to understand that my malaise had deeper roots to it. It all had to do with my love of Friendster and my hate for the this beastly behemoth known as Myspace.”

According to patient records, symptoms of Hale’s depression began to pop up approximately six months ago, when Hale began to struggle in the local bar scene.

“I’ll be honest, there isn’t that much of a local bar scene to begin with, but everything began to take a turn for the worse when I’d start to approach girls in bars. We’d start talking, I’d buy them a drink and the conversation would casually drift. Soon, I’d find myself asking them if they had a Friendster account. But they only laughed at me and asked me why I didn’t switch to Myspace. I’d tell them that I didn’t want one. When I said that, they’d just laugh at me and tell me that I wasn’t cool. I’d ask them how being on Myspace could make anyone cool. And they told me that I just didn’t get it.”

Doctors say that most people who don’t suffer from clinical depression would’ve just given in and registered for a Myspace account. But not Hale.

“After his continued rejection from females, Mr. Hale only became more steadfast in his appreciation of Friendster,” distinguished psychiatrist Marvin Monroe III, said. “It seems that he developed an obsession with the fading fortunes of this online social network.”

But Hale believes that he is just mis-understood in his defense of the merits of Friendster.

“People just don’t understand. There’s no real difference between the two. Its all just a clever scheme to get you to switch. They make you think that you’re cool just because you have a Myspace account. That’s their whole gimmick. They’re just trying to sell you shit, don’t you understand? It’s all a marketing vehicle, it’s all a marketing vehicle” Hale ranted.

Hale continued his diatribe by further emphasizing the benefits of Friendster and how it is evolving.

“People just don’t get it, it’s a whole new Friendster. They send me these e-mails all the time. Now you can comment on photos and leave personalized captions and you can even rate them. Can you rate people’s photos on Myspace? Hah! I don’t think so,” Hale said.

However, some of Hale’s friends expressed doubts about his persistence in touting the benefits of Friendster.

“Mikey’s got pretty weird lately. All he wants to talk about is how much he hates Myspace. I’ve tried to tell him that it isn’t as bad as he thinks it is. I’ve discovered a lot of cool bands on it, and I’ve met tons of chicks. I’ve hooked up with at least six girls just because of Myspace. Seriously,” Johnny Santino, Hale’s friend and an MBA student at Cal-State Northridge said. “I don’t see what his problem is. All of those really hot girls fill out surveys on Myspace and then you can totally find out all these really personal things about them. After that, all you have to do is talk to them and pretend like you’re into all the crap that they’re into. You don’t know how many chicks I’ve told that I like The Notebook. And I hate that movie! It works every time.”

Indeed, doctors seem to baffled over Hale’s condition, professing ignorance to the ways in which they can help.

“The first step is you have to want to help yourself,” Monroe III continued. “If I could give Michael any advice it would be that maybe he should just stop using any and all on-line social networks. The whole thing is probably just a waste of time anyway. Maybe he should take up a new hobby, like reading or something a little more valuable than cyber-stalking his ex-girlfriends. That sort of stuff is not healthy.”

But Hale declared that he will neither give up his Friendster activities, nor will he join Myspace. He also denied the doctor’s assertions that he’d been overly scrutinizing his ex-girlfriends’ profiles.

“I don’t see where he got that bullshit from. Okay, so maybe a couple times I logged onto a friend’s Myspace account to see if any of my exes were on the site. It was only because they weren’t on Friendster, even though I invited them to join a few times. Whatever, they’re just stupid,” Hale said. “It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna’ stay on Friendster until I die. It’s gonna’ make a comeback, I can feel it. Their server has even gotten a little bit faster. Now Myspace will never win.”

But according to Myspace president Tom Anderson, Hale might not have an option.

“He’s wrong. We’ll win. We always do. You remember that Puff Daddy song, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down?” We’re very similar to that in that we can’t stop, we won’t stop and quite frankly, we don’t even know how to stop,” Anderson said.

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Saudi Arabia Launches Massive PR Campaign

Saudi Arabia has gotten a bad rap in the American Press. At least according to Saudi Arabia. But if a new Saudi-sponsored marketing campaign will have anything to do with it, Americans will learn the truth behind Saudi Arabia’s strict Wahabi interpretation of Islam and its restrictions on women.

“It really is a tragedy that Americans have such a negative mental portrait of the way that Saudi’s treat women,” Ibn-Al-Faisal, a spokesman for Saudi King Abdullah said. “For instance, Americans seem to believe that Saudis refuse to restrict women from driving due to our misogyny. Far from it. We refuse to let women drive because they represent a security threat to the kingdom. Have you ever seen a woman drive well? Let alone in a burka.”

Indeed several Saudi men on the street, confirmed that experiments had been conducted with women drivers in the past. According to popular myth, no woman had ever driven in Saudi Arabia. But that just isn’t true, according to tobacco salesman, Ahmed-Waleed Bin Laden.

“Sure, I have seen several women get behind a wheel and each time they crashed in the middle of the desert. Do you know how difficult it is to remove a car from a 500-foot high sand dune? It’s not easy, let me tell you.”

Bin Laden continued, claiming that Saudi women lack spatial ability.

“I don’t know about what women’s driving capabilities are like in your capitalist and sin-filled wonderland known as America,” Bin Laden continued. “But here, no woman has ever learned to read a map. One time, I told my fourth wife, Malalai, to go feed our Camel, Faldun some goat’s milk. The camel was only 200 feet away. When she hadn’t returned two hours later we had to form a search party. It turns out, she was somewhere in the vast desert, praying that God would return her to her home. And these are the people we are supposed to give driver’s licenses to?”

But in America, a different attitude abounds among the male population, men who consider themselves much too civilized to proscribe women from getting behind the wheel.

“I mean, I wouldn’t exactly say I feel safe driving with my wife,” contractor Tom Jones of Bakersfield said. “She’s got her driver’s license and all, which is nice, but I wouldn’t exactly say that driving’s her forte. But she’s getting better. She was only honked at twice yesterday. I guess I’d go for a ride with her. But I’d definitely wear my seatbelt. Definitely.”

But feminist scholar, Raquel Wilson seemed more emphatic about how necessary it is for Saudi women to receive driving privileges.

“Look, women, might not be the fastest drivers around and they might not cut you off as much as male drivers, but they’ll get you there…eventually,” Wilson said. “And there’s a women in NASCAR these days and women pay cheaper insurance. We all know how evil insurance companies are. Do you think they’re just giving women a better deal because they’re hotter than men? I don’t think so. And besides, haven’t you seen the musical “Annie Get Your Gun,” and heard the song lyric, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better.’ And no musical has ever lied ever.”

But most importantly, according to Al-Faisal, Saudi women aren’t allowed to drive because of a habit picked up from American television.

“We occasionally curse the politics of the heathen Americans and sometimes we praise their love of money and oil. However, one thing that all young Saudi males are consistent on is that they love American popular culture,” Al-Faisal said. “Here in Saudi Arabia, we watch MTV all the time and one habit that Saudi men have made their own is hollering at girls while they drive past them in their Mercedes.’ If women are driving and not walking, who will they have to holler at? No one. We can not let this happen. Saudi Arabia loves hollaback girls and hollaback girls love Saudi Arabia. Forbidding women from driving is imperative to this fabled tradition.”

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