December 5th, 2006
Nicole Richie: Oh my god, Lindsay, I just saw Bobby and it was like the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.
Lindsay Lohan: Bobby? Is that new club on La Cienega? I love that place. It’s so hot right now.
NR: No, it’s a movie about Bobby Kennedy. You were in it.
LL: I was? [Long Wistful Pause] Oh, yeah…now I sorta’ remember… I was so fucked up while we were filming.
NR: Speaking of which….
[The two girls laugh loudly and loud snorting noises are heard]
NR: Now I feel better… Whoo…anyway…what was it like working with Emilio?
LL: Emilio!!!!!
NR: Emilio!!! Ducks fly together!!!
LL: Um…it was like totally whatever, the whole time we were shooting he had this strange mustache…he looked like a gay porn star. Named Bruno.
Now Anthony…I’m not sure how familiar you are with my work, but there’s this scene in Mighty Ducks 3….
NR: Ewww…gay porn stars are gross. Whatever, he was married to Demi Moore in the movie. I thought she looked so hot playing that washed up singer.
LL: Yeah, she’s like totally hot. When I’m her age, I totally hope I look like that. I guess that’s what plastic surgery’s for.
[The two girls laugh and more loud snorting noises are heard]
NR: Yeah…plastic surgery rules….speaking of which…how hot did Heather Graham look in the movie when she was screwing William H. Macy?
LL: So hot…it made me want to get implants so bad.
NR: Didn’t you used to have implants?
LL: I don’t know. Who remembers?
The Next LA Trend–Breasts Up to Girls’ Necks: Gravity Bedamned!!
[More laughing. More snorting. Someone starts pounding loudly on the bathroom door.]
NR: Shut the fuck up!!! We’re famous!!! So Lindz, what made you want to do Bobby in the first place.
LL: I dunno…my agent said it would give me credibility….whatever….but I only did it to get close to Ashton Kutcher…he’s so hot.
NR: Yeah…he was the best part of the movie. He was a funny acid dealer.
LL: You know who wasn’t funny though, Sharon Stone? Her part was sad.
NR: I thought she totally nailed the transvestite look.
LL: She wasn’t supposed to be a tranny! Eww… and don’t say that about Sharon…she’s like totally a hero of mine.
Sharon Stone: Taking Fashion Cues from Her Idol, Rupaul
NR: You’re right. I’m sorry. She’s awesome. Have you seen Sliver? It’s like totally classic cinema.
LL: I haven’t seen anything made before 1995.
NR: Yeah, I haven’t seen that much either. But it was nominated for best picture back in the day…but like who cares, tell me about what was it like playing against Elijah Wood? Is he gay?
LL: I’m not sure. To be honest, I was too busy trying to hook up with Christian Slater. He’s so cute.
NR: Is that Jack Nicholson’s son?
LL: I think so.
NR: But you know what I thought was so cool about the movie?
LL: Getting to see celebrities in every scene? Oh my god, it was so cool, it was like going to the movies and being at Hyde the whole time.
NR: No, I was gonna’ say that it really moved me. It was like totally historical and stuff.
LL: Really? Like how?
NR: Well, it was about Bobby Kennedy.
LL: Oh, the hot dead dude.
Bobby Kennedy: His Last Dying Request Was to Have a Movie Made About His Assassination Starring Lindsay Lohan, Nick Cannon, Heather Graham and Joshua Jackson
NR: Yeah, that’s the one. The movie made me think that there were all these parallels between our time and the 60s.
LL: Really, that’s so deep? Only a genius could’ve figured that one out. You must be a genius.
NR: I’m pretty sure I am.
[Cue more snorting noises and more pounding].
NR: Anyway, like I was saying…it’s like the 60’s because times are tough for a lot of people, there is still racism and then there’s the war, which totally seems like Vietnam all over again.
LL: We’re at war?
NR: Yes, but that’s not the only problem with America. The people are hungry and we have a President who thinks the only way to help the problem is to give tax breaks to the wealthy?
LL: The people are hungry? Who cares about the people? Let them eat coke.
Rating: C-
Download from the Bobby soundtrack
MP3: The Moody Blues: “Tuesday Afternoon”
MP3: Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: “The Tracks of My Tears”
Bonus: The Song That Wasn’t On the Bobby Soundtrack, But Should’ve Been
MP3: RZA: “B.O.B.B.Y”
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, It Got Weird, Didn't It? | 7 Comments »
October 24th, 2006
Over the past month, the nation has been riveted by the Mark Foley scandal, in which the former Republican congressman got himself in trouble for allegedly attempting to seduce young Congressional pages via IM. Most recently, two days ago The Washington Post reported that Foley made friends with a wide circle of teenaged House of Representatives pages, then singled out “hot boys ” to write to. Naturally, the press has not given names of exactly who these “Hot Boys” were, but in a Passion of the Weiss exclusive, I’ve uncovered the identies of these Hot Boys, as well as new previously unreported IM messages between Foley and the four young Hot Boys who apparently go by the names: Juvenile, L’il Wayne, BG and Turk.
The first IM transcript contains a chat between Foley and the youngest member of the Hot Boys: L’il Wayne.
Maf54: So Wayne…can I call you Wayne?
Weezie16: How they do…this is L’il Weezie bitch…I’ll leave you missin’ like the fucking O’ Bannon’s.
Maf54: Fair enough L’il Weezie…so tell me…exactly how old are you.
Weezie16: Lil’ Wayne in the twat have it hurtin and thumpin
They be like, “that n***ga small girl but he workin wit somethin”
Maf54: So you’re small…I take it you’re the youngest of the crew…perfect.
Weezie16: Lil’ Wayne on fire…I’ll smash on your boo before a hot girl bang
What’s the matter with you?
Maf54: Nothing’s the matter with me….nothing’s the matter at all…so Weezie…tell me…are you a hot boy?
Weezie16: I like’em hot, the ones that don’t tell me to stop.
Maf54: I’ll take that as a yes. So tell me…are you horny?
Weezie16: It’s time to slang dick and fuck a ho.
Maf54: lol…..so tell me…what you need boy?
Weezie16: I need a hot girl.
Maf54: Are you sure that’s what you want…do you want boys?
Weezie16: I want a hot girl..brb.
Maf54: I am hard as rock.
Weezie16: I’m one egg short of an omelette.
Maf54: I like omelettes. Y’know what else I like. Oral sex. Y’know Weezie…if you’re ever up in Washington you could always stay at my place. I’m always here, I’m always lonely, and I’m always up for oral sex.
Weezie16: I don’t spit I vomit.
Maf54: Ooh….you don’t spit…perfect.
Weezie16: I’ll shoot you in your thigh and leg…
Maf54: mmm…you can shoot me anywhere you want.
Weezie16: I’ll make you ketchup like mayonaise.
Maf54: Mayonaise? Is that what they call it in Magnolia….tell me more young man…tell me more.
Weezie 16 signed off at 4:54 a.m.
Juvenile: The Love of Mark Foley’s Life?
While my sources could not verify whether or not Foley spoke with BG and Turk (has anyone spoken to them since 1999?), I was also enable to procure this IM conversation between the disgraced Florida congressman and the Hot Boy, Juvenile.
Maf54: So Juvenile…I must tell you I like your name…Juvenile…it’s so naughty…haha…
Juvie69: You ain’t scared ha…you know how to play it ha?
Maf54: Oh…I know how to play it haha…I know how to play it.
Juvie69: That’s how you keep yo’ old lady because you keep fuckin’ her friends ha
Maf54: No, I don’t have an old lady. Not quite. So tell me, Juvenile…how’s my favorite young stud doing?
Juvie69: Shit ain’t hard as it seems ha….you keep your body clean ha…you got a lot of Girbaud jeans ha…some of your partners dope fiends ha…you really don’t want to fuck with them n***gaz ha.
Maf54: So you’re wearing Girbaud jeans…um so a big bulge?
Juvie69: That dick got hard ha…when you were looking at them little broads ha…you don’t know when to quit ha…that’s you with that shot calling shit ha
Maf54: Well…I’d like to think that I call some of the shots. After all, I am a United States congressman…but enough about me….so tell me Juvenile…did you spank it this weekend?
Juvie69: I be slangin’ wood yeah…out the hood yeah…let it be understand yeah…it’s all good yeah.
Maf54: Slangin’ wood you say? Love details.
Juvie69: I’m sweatin’ in the drawers yeah….hard and long…yeah…wanna walk you like a dog yeah…break you off yeah…
Maf54: Do you really do it face down?
Juvie69: Get mine…you gonna’ get yours yeah. That’s for sure…yeah..
Maf54: Cute butt bouncing in the air.
Juvie69: Call me big daddy when you back that azz up.
Maf54: Ha ha…great visual…I may try that.
Maf54 signed off at 2:23:35 PM
Download
Hot Boys: “I Need a Hot Girl” (right-click, save as)
DJ Drama and L’il Wayne: “Cannon” (AMG Remix) (right-click, save as)
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Best Of, It Got Weird, Didn't It? | 11 Comments »
July 7th, 2006
After watching the Al Gore global warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth two weeks ago, Altadena resident, Nick Chesterfield has become convinced of his expertise on the topic of global warming.
“There’s not really all that much that you need to know. You can just watch that Al Gore fellow talk for a little bit and you become pretty damned sure that global warming exists. Two hours and it’s all you’ll ever need to know.”
When pressed for details upon his illumination, Chesterfield was hard-pressed to point out specifics.
“Look, I don’t need to prove myself. I saw the movie. I know what I’m talking about,” Chesterfield said testily. “Did you see the CO2 chart that Al Gore showed with the big pink line that went way up in the air. That’s because of human beings. And if you can’t trust a big pink line in a powerpoint presentation than who can you trust? And did you see the cartoon of polar bears drowning in their icebergs. That was sad. Global warming is bad. I like polar bears.”
Reached for comment, Al Gore seemed satisfied that the documentary had managed to make an impact on the American public.
“I’m so glad that my campaign propag…I mean my film has had such an impact on the American public. Obviously, Nick Chesterfield is an incredibly intelligent man.” Gore said solemnly. “Global warming is a serious problem that not only threatens Americans but the entire world. Do you like Manhattan? Well, if you like the city of Manhattan than you better hang onto my every word, because in the year 2048, Manhattan will be underwater. Thanks to global warming. Global warming and Republicans. Republicans are evil. Gore in 08!”
But reaction to Chesterfield’s epiphany wasn’t all unanimous. In fact, his wife Bonnie Chesterfield has repeatedly expressed irritation with her husband.
“It isn’t that I think Nick’s wrong. He’s probably right. After all what kind of a thinking person supports global warming. It’s just that Nick won’t shut up about the whole thing. Global warming this and global warming that. The guy sees a two hour documentary and suddenly he thinks he’s a scientist ,” Bonnie Chesterfield opined. “That documentary bored me to tears. Okay, I get it. Global warming is bad. Now can I go home? I didn’t need to pay $10 bucks to see Al Gore lionized. And I don’t care what anyone says, that man is the most boring person I’ve ever seen. The whole thing seemed to be an excuse for the Democrats to pat themselves on the back for being smarter than the Republicans. I suppose that’s an achievement of some sort, sort of like being the richest man in Bangladesh”
When asked if the film had inspired any changes in the Chesterfield household, Nick Chesterfield declined to get into specifics.
“We definitely have tried to make changes. I tried to recycle but we don’t have a recycling bin and I was too lazy to go down to the depot. So that’s out. And I thought about trading in my Tahoe for a Prius, but how could we drive the kids to soccer practice? Whatever, it’s all George Bush’s fault. Why can’t he just sign that Kyo-yo treaty anyway?”
George Bush declined to comment for the story, instead directing reporters towards statements that he made in the October 11th 2000, Presidential debate. According to aides close to Bush, his views remain the same six years later.
“Some of the scientists, I believe, haven’t they been changing their opinion a little bit on global warming? There’s a lot of differing opinions and before we react I think it’s best to have the full accounting, full understanding of what’s taking place. After all, global warming is just a theory.”
Posted in The Fakest News in Town | 3 Comments »
June 12th, 2006
After nearly a week in heaven, former Al-Queda in Iraq leader, Abu Musab Zarqawi is irate with the sexual performance, or lack thereof, of the 72 virgins he received upon his arrival in Heaven, Wednesday morning.
“I guess I didn’t think it out as well as I probably should have,” Zarqawi said in a rare moment of candor. “I mean it’s great and all that God didn’t just give me 72 skanks, but at the same time, I haven’t exactly been treated to orgy after orgy either. What gives? After all this is Heaven. How many times do you have to hear a girl say, I’m not ready yet. How about a nice hand job instead?”
Indeed Zarqawi admitted that he may have been misled by the Imams on Earth who prophesized that wild times lay ahead.
“Martyrdom, shmartydrom…,” Zarqaqi chuckled (yes, he chuckles). “The problem is that I’d never actually been with a virgin on earth and had no idea what being a virgin actually entailed. Do you know how many times we’ve just made out all night with me begging to at least see one breast, and yet nothing? And then when I do get somewhere with one of my virgins, they always mess up. Let’s just say that these girls did not watch the oral sex tutorial scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Quite frankly, I’m in a whole lot of pain. I think the great prophet Eric “Eazy-E” Wright best described my plight when he said, “Quit biting it and shit.”
But hip hop allusions aside, Zarqawi said that the worst part about the 72 virgins isn’t even the fact that after five days in heaven, all 72 remain virgins. Rather Zarqawi claims that Mohammed included Jews in the much vaunted “72 Virgin Premium Package.” When asked for his reasons behind the inclusion of Jews, Mohammed only laughed heartily.
“I just did it to mess with Abu. He’s so serious and all, so I said to myself, how can I best screw with his head?” Mohammed said. “Then it hit me… Jews. Specifically, Jewish women. You know it might not get mentioned in the ‘elitist western press’ but I have a pretty damned good sense of humor. Did you hear the one about the insane dictator, the weapons of mass destruction and the village idiot? That one gets me every time?”
Yet while Mohammed seems to be quite giddy with the matchmaking that he has done, Zarqawi is not the only one dissastisfied with the situation. Rachel Goldberg, one of Zarqawi’s 72 virgins has been unimpressed with her new husband.
“Um…he might’ve been a big deal down on earth, but if he thinks I’m just gonna’ put out when and where he wants, he’s got another thing coming,” Goldberg said. “First of all, he refuseses to as much as take me out to a nice dinner first. I don’t want to stay in and cook for him. I want to be both wined and dined. And have I gotten any jewelry yet? No! What’s in it for me? It’s bad enough to have to tell my parents that he’s a goyim, but a poor goyim?? He both refuses to convert and to support my lifestyle. If you wanna’ know the truth, something tells me that this so-called Al-Queda in Iraq job isn’t such a high-paying gig.”
And yet down on earth, Zarqawi’s inability to score has not deterred any of his Al-Queda in Iraq partners from pursuing their dreams of martyrdom. Shaheed Rahim Abdul, one of Zarquawi’s top lieutenenants claims that he’s just as ready to die today as he was yesterday.
“First of all, you’ve got to understand Abu,” Abdul smirked. “The man might be a terrorist mastermind, but he has no game. None. Seriously, I’ve seen it. The man couldn’t get laid in a Babylonian whorehouse, and if you know Babylonian whorehouses the way that I know Babylonian whorehouses, it’s really tough not to get laid. I’m sure he’s doing something wrong. When I finally am martyred, God willing, those virgins won’t be virgins for very long. Know what I’m saying?”
Zarqawi dismissed Abdul’s claims, calling them “ridiculous lies” and hinting that Abdul may in fact be on the side of the “infidels.” But while Zarqawi’s lack of consummation may be constantly mocked by his former brethren, he insists that all in all, things are looking up.
“I’m pretty sure that I’ve been able to convince one of the of the girls to get drunk tonight. The Koran says that I’m not allowed to get drunk, but it doesn’t say anything about one of my 72 virgins, heh heh heh,” Zarquawi said. “And if that doesn’t work out, well there’s 71 others. I’m not worried. I’m a numbers man. I’ve got myself a sizable bedroom, some Barry White albums, and a bottle of Corvoirsier. One of these days, something’s gotta’ give.”
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Best Of | 4 Comments »
May 30th, 2006
In the aftermath of the media uproar surrounding the birth of miracle baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, the Jewish people have officially announced the end of the search for a messiah. Accordingly, throngs of Jews have flocked to Jerusalem to await the end of the days and the emergence of Jolie-Pitt to start separating out the damned from those who will be saved. The child, the offspring of actor/deity/philosopher kings Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, ends a quest that according to Jewish doctrine, began in the city of Ur when Abraham first saw God in a burning bush. The burning bush allegedly commanded Abraham to be the leader of a great new religion, whose people would inevitably spend the next 5,000 years being persecuted, waiting for the messiah and trying to make vast quantities of money in the banking, law, medical and comedy industries in the interim.
However, according to the chief rabbi of Jerusalem, Yonah Metzger, the wait is over.“
.“At first when I heard the news about the messiah, I decided to turn to the lord in prayer. I prayed, but then I said, ‘you know what I’ve waited enough. It’s just rude not to show up on time.” So I decided to turn to the next best source of advice: celebrity magazines,” Metzger said. “It turns out that our messiah already has quite the following. Did Jesus appear on the cover of In Touch, Star, People, US Weekly, Life and Style, and OK! Weekly, his first week on earth? I don’t think so. All I have to say to the goyim is that our messiah is better than your messiah. We’re so sick of coming in second place. Finally, we win. At last.”
Though no word has come down whether or not Jolie-Pitt is interested in becoming the messiah, it seems that it isn’t up to her. At least, if the Jewish people have a say in the matter. Accordingly, many prominent Jewish celebrities have congregated in Jerusalem to await the coming of their savior. Prominent Hasidic Reggae star Matisyahu is one of them.
“When I first heard about Shiloh’s birth, my initial thought was that people were talking about the classic 1996 family film, Shiloh. Back when I used to follow Phish around the country, we used to get all high and watch Shiloh. Have you ever watched a movie about a boy and his dog…on weed?? It’s awesome,” Matisyahu rambled. “When I first heard about Shiloh, I called up my spiritual advisor in Hebron. But he was in the middle of a gun fight and couldn’t talk to me. Apparently, Shiloh’s magic has yet to begin. So I turned to the second-most-important person in my life, Jake Klein, my A&R from Sony. He seemed to be throwing his allegiance towards Shiloh, so I figured why not? It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing for the Jews these past few thousand years anyway.”
But the bedlam currently underway in Jersusalem hasn’t just been the province of previously orthodox Jews. Shawn Green, an outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks and widely considered the best Jewish athlete in the United States, decided to interupt his all-star season to fly to Jerusalem to wait for the emergence of the chosen one.
“I was confused,” Green said bluntly. “What am I supposed to do now? Do I play on Yom Kippur? Do I play on Saturdays? Everything seems to be so up in the air. I figured the best bet was to come to Israel and wait for her arrival. We’ll figure the details out later. Sure, our general manager is pissed off, but people don’t seem to understand the magnitude of it all. It’s not just the savior of a people who has been born, it’s the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They are actors, having an actor child. I’d be crazy not to come.”
However, sources in Jerusalem were most shocked when Bob Dylan nee Zimmerman, the former alleged savior of the Jewish people, showed up to pay homage to the new Queen of the Jews.
“Back in the 1960’s, a lot of people thought I was the savior of the Jews, because I was just a good folksinger. But this girl is so much more than that. She’s the children of really really ridiculously good looking people,” Dylan said. “I just wish that Shiloh had arrived in the late 70’s. It might have stopped me from converting to Christianity and making the Slow Train Coming, Saved and Shot of Love albums. Thank god all the spotlight is off me for once and back where it belongs, on the just-born infant daughter of the stars of “Cool World,” and “Tomb Raider.” Wow.”
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Uncategorized | 9 Comments »
May 10th, 2006
Local doctors have announced that they have diagnosed the first-ever-recorded case of a man becoming clinically depressed for a social networking website. The man in question, 24-year old Woodland Hills resident, Michael Hale, recently checked into the psychiatric unit of Holy Cross Hospital, due to massive symptoms of depression and potential suicidal tendencies.
“At first, I thought my depression was due to the fact that I was living in the Valley, but as it went on and on, I realized that it was a lot more than that,” the formerly gregarious and social 24-year old said. “I slowly began to understand that my malaise had deeper roots to it. It all had to do with my love of Friendster and my hate for the this beastly behemoth known as Myspace.”
According to patient records, symptoms of Hale’s depression began to pop up approximately six months ago, when Hale began to struggle in the local bar scene.
“I’ll be honest, there isn’t that much of a local bar scene to begin with, but everything began to take a turn for the worse when I’d start to approach girls in bars. We’d start talking, I’d buy them a drink and the conversation would casually drift. Soon, I’d find myself asking them if they had a Friendster account. But they only laughed at me and asked me why I didn’t switch to Myspace. I’d tell them that I didn’t want one. When I said that, they’d just laugh at me and tell me that I wasn’t cool. I’d ask them how being on Myspace could make anyone cool. And they told me that I just didn’t get it.”
Doctors say that most people who don’t suffer from clinical depression would’ve just given in and registered for a Myspace account. But not Hale.
“After his continued rejection from females, Mr. Hale only became more steadfast in his appreciation of Friendster,” distinguished psychiatrist Marvin Monroe III, said. “It seems that he developed an obsession with the fading fortunes of this online social network.”
But Hale believes that he is just mis-understood in his defense of the merits of Friendster.
“People just don’t understand. There’s no real difference between the two. Its all just a clever scheme to get you to switch. They make you think that you’re cool just because you have a Myspace account. That’s their whole gimmick. They’re just trying to sell you shit, don’t you understand? It’s all a marketing vehicle, it’s all a marketing vehicle” Hale ranted.
Hale continued his diatribe by further emphasizing the benefits of Friendster and how it is evolving.
“People just don’t get it, it’s a whole new Friendster. They send me these e-mails all the time. Now you can comment on photos and leave personalized captions and you can even rate them. Can you rate people’s photos on Myspace? Hah! I don’t think so,” Hale said.
However, some of Hale’s friends expressed doubts about his persistence in touting the benefits of Friendster.
“Mikey’s got pretty weird lately. All he wants to talk about is how much he hates Myspace. I’ve tried to tell him that it isn’t as bad as he thinks it is. I’ve discovered a lot of cool bands on it, and I’ve met tons of chicks. I’ve hooked up with at least six girls just because of Myspace. Seriously,” Johnny Santino, Hale’s friend and an MBA student at Cal-State Northridge said. “I don’t see what his problem is. All of those really hot girls fill out surveys on Myspace and then you can totally find out all these really personal things about them. After that, all you have to do is talk to them and pretend like you’re into all the crap that they’re into. You don’t know how many chicks I’ve told that I like The Notebook. And I hate that movie! It works every time.”
Indeed, doctors seem to baffled over Hale’s condition, professing ignorance to the ways in which they can help.
“The first step is you have to want to help yourself,” Monroe III continued. “If I could give Michael any advice it would be that maybe he should just stop using any and all on-line social networks. The whole thing is probably just a waste of time anyway. Maybe he should take up a new hobby, like reading or something a little more valuable than cyber-stalking his ex-girlfriends. That sort of stuff is not healthy.”
But Hale declared that he will neither give up his Friendster activities, nor will he join Myspace. He also denied the doctor’s assertions that he’d been overly scrutinizing his ex-girlfriends’ profiles.
“I don’t see where he got that bullshit from. Okay, so maybe a couple times I logged onto a friend’s Myspace account to see if any of my exes were on the site. It was only because they weren’t on Friendster, even though I invited them to join a few times. Whatever, they’re just stupid,” Hale said. “It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna’ stay on Friendster until I die. It’s gonna’ make a comeback, I can feel it. Their server has even gotten a little bit faster. Now Myspace will never win.”
But according to Myspace president Tom Anderson, Hale might not have an option.
“He’s wrong. We’ll win. We always do. You remember that Puff Daddy song, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down?” We’re very similar to that in that we can’t stop, we won’t stop and quite frankly, we don’t even know how to stop,” Anderson said.
Posted in The Fakest News in Town | 2 Comments »
April 4th, 2006
Saudi Arabia has gotten a bad rap in the American Press. At least according to Saudi Arabia. But if a new Saudi-sponsored marketing campaign will have anything to do with it, Americans will learn the truth behind Saudi Arabia’s strict Wahabi interpretation of Islam and its restrictions on women.
“It really is a tragedy that Americans have such a negative mental portrait of the way that Saudi’s treat women,” Ibn-Al-Faisal, a spokesman for Saudi King Abdullah said. “For instance, Americans seem to believe that Saudis refuse to restrict women from driving due to our misogyny. Far from it. We refuse to let women drive because they represent a security threat to the kingdom. Have you ever seen a woman drive well? Let alone in a burka.”
Indeed several Saudi men on the street, confirmed that experiments had been conducted with women drivers in the past. According to popular myth, no woman had ever driven in Saudi Arabia. But that just isn’t true, according to tobacco salesman, Ahmed-Waleed Bin Laden.
“Sure, I have seen several women get behind a wheel and each time they crashed in the middle of the desert. Do you know how difficult it is to remove a car from a 500-foot high sand dune? It’s not easy, let me tell you.”
Bin Laden continued, claiming that Saudi women lack spatial ability.
“I don’t know about what women’s driving capabilities are like in your capitalist and sin-filled wonderland known as America,” Bin Laden continued. “But here, no woman has ever learned to read a map. One time, I told my fourth wife, Malalai, to go feed our Camel, Faldun some goat’s milk. The camel was only 200 feet away. When she hadn’t returned two hours later we had to form a search party. It turns out, she was somewhere in the vast desert, praying that God would return her to her home. And these are the people we are supposed to give driver’s licenses to?”
But in America, a different attitude abounds among the male population, men who consider themselves much too civilized to proscribe women from getting behind the wheel.
“I mean, I wouldn’t exactly say I feel safe driving with my wife,” contractor Tom Jones of Bakersfield said. “She’s got her driver’s license and all, which is nice, but I wouldn’t exactly say that driving’s her forte. But she’s getting better. She was only honked at twice yesterday. I guess I’d go for a ride with her. But I’d definitely wear my seatbelt. Definitely.”
But feminist scholar, Raquel Wilson seemed more emphatic about how necessary it is for Saudi women to receive driving privileges.
“Look, women, might not be the fastest drivers around and they might not cut you off as much as male drivers, but they’ll get you there…eventually,” Wilson said. “And there’s a women in NASCAR these days and women pay cheaper insurance. We all know how evil insurance companies are. Do you think they’re just giving women a better deal because they’re hotter than men? I don’t think so. And besides, haven’t you seen the musical “Annie Get Your Gun,” and heard the song lyric, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better.’ And no musical has ever lied ever.”
But most importantly, according to Al-Faisal, Saudi women aren’t allowed to drive because of a habit picked up from American television.
“We occasionally curse the politics of the heathen Americans and sometimes we praise their love of money and oil. However, one thing that all young Saudi males are consistent on is that they love American popular culture,” Al-Faisal said. “Here in Saudi Arabia, we watch MTV all the time and one habit that Saudi men have made their own is hollering at girls while they drive past them in their Mercedes.’ If women are driving and not walking, who will they have to holler at? No one. We can not let this happen. Saudi Arabia loves hollaback girls and hollaback girls love Saudi Arabia. Forbidding women from driving is imperative to this fabled tradition.”
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Uncategorized | 7 Comments »
March 28th, 2006
In 1996 there wasn’t a bigger rap group on earth than the Fugees, the group that practically invented the formula of making rap music for white people who don’t like rap. In that sense I suppose you can call them pioneers, as this was well before the two-pronged sonic disaster of Kanye West and the Neptunes became the soundtrack for people with bad taste in hip-hop. Yes in 1996, the world belonged to the crew of Lauryn Hill, Wyclef and Pras as they ascended to the top of the charts with their second album, The Score.
Following The Score, the Fugees became international superstars, as Lauryn Hill’s Miseducation cd became the CD in everyone’s collection that hasn’t been listened to since 1998. Additionally, Wyclef scored big with “The Carnival” (which while I am no fan of the man, I’ll give him credit for making at least one damn fine album) . And as for Pras, it would be easy to say that he was the Ringo of the group, the one that no one ever said they really liked. He was just “there.” But to call him the Ringo of the group is to give Ringo Starr short shrift, as anyone who has seen “A Hard Days Night” knows, Ringo Starr is all sorts of awesome.
In reality, Pras is more like Nick Mason from Pink Floyd, as both filled holes that could’ve been filled by just about anybody. In Pink Floyd, Mason played a very simple percussion and never contributed to any of the song writing. And in The Fugees, Pras’ basically was just there to fill out the last eight bars of a song with another voice so that people didn’t get sick of hearing only Wyclef and Lauryn Hill.
And while its been rumored that the Fugees are recording a new album, no one really cares anymore, as Wyclef has turned into a crackhead’s caricture of Bob Marley, Lauryn Hill has dedicated her life to fucking the offspring of Bob Marley, and other than his one shining moment on the Bulworth soundtrack nearly a decade ago, the only time anyone ever thinks about Pras is never. Well, unless my friends and I are re-hashing a scene that involves my good friend, Davey Crockett calling Pras a “fruit bar” on the set of his “film.” Until now.
Just last week, the NY Post reported this stunning development in the life of Pras, as the once and future Fugee is planning to appear in a documentary about homeless ness called “First Night” in which he’ll live on the streets for nine days with a mere $9 in his pocket. And being the Hollywood players that we are here at the Passion of the Weiss, we have an exclusive preview of Pras’ nine days on the street, provided for you by Pras writing in the third person. (with a creative debt owed to the Lou Reed blog)
Day 1: Life on the street will be tough for Pras. It makes Pras feel like a Refugee from Guatanamo Bay, Pras feels like messing around the border like he is Cassius Clay. Pras likes messing around borders. Maybe this week will be fun for Pras. Within ten minutes someone will recognize him as a ghetto supastar and his problems will be solved. [10 minutes pass by] No one has recognized Pras yet. Oh well, it does not matter, what matters is how many mics he will rip today, on the daily. Pras does not know the answer to that question. Pras does know it is starting to get chilly. Pras will buy himself a jacket with his $9 dollars. Pras has bought the jacket. Pras is warm now. Fu-La-La-La.
Day 2: Pras is hungry and must buy something to eat. Pras has no money, if only he hadn’t been so stupid to have spent all of his money on a warm jacket. Now Pras is warm but starving. This is a contradiction. Pras does not like contradictions. But he does like Wyclef Jean. Wyclef Jean will feed Pras. Damn this cellular telephone. Why can’t Pras talk to Wyclef Jean? What does it mean “this number that you have reached is no longer in service?” Wyclef Jean would not change his number without telling Pras? Would he?
Day 3: Pras is dread-locked Rasta, Buffalo Soldier, but more importantly Pras is so so hungry. Pras might be Buffalo Soldier but there are no Buffaloes in New York City. This makes Pras sad. Once Pras read a story about a coyote that got lost in Central Park. Pras could definitely see himself eating a coyote in Central Park. Ready or Not, here Pras comes, gonna find a coyote and eat him slowly.
Day 4: Central Park is not all that it is cracked up to be. But Pras knows that it does have crack. He found this out when another dread-locked rasta tried to sell Pras some crack for $10. Pras asked him if he took credit. The dread-locked rasta only laughed at Pras. Pras screamed at him and told him that he was a major rap star and that he would be very sorry for messing with him. He also told him about the song “Ghetto Supastar,” and how he knew ODB. The crack dealer only responded, “I deal crack. Obviously I did too.” This did not make Pras feel special.
Day 5: Pras has not eaten in five days. It is the daytime now. Pras sits 90 degrees underneath palm trees, Smokin’ beadies as Pras burns his calories. Brooklyn roof tops become Brooklyn tee-pees. But Brooklyn roof-tops do not have food. Pras believes that Pras is going to die. Someone please help him.
Day 6: Pras remembers Lauryn Hill from Pras’ internationally renowned supergroup, the Fugees. Pras and Lauryn are friends. One time, she even let Pras watch while she had sex with Wyclef. That was fun for Pras even if they would not let him join in. Pras will call Lauryn for help. [Pras talks with Lauryn Hill]. Lauryn Hill told Pras to pray to God. Pras will pray to God, but God cannot bring Pras food. Pras’ lack of money is killing Pras. Softly.
Day 7: Once a very long time ago Pras was in a movie. Maybe the director of the movie can help Pras out of his predicament. Maybe the director can also teach him what the word predicament means too. That would be nice.
The movie was called Turn it up. Pras loved that movie even though that was where Pras met Ja-Rule. Pras did not like Ja-Rule. Ja-Rule told him to “Holla holla.” Obviously, Ja-Rule did not know who Pras was. Pras does not holla. He yodels. He is a cowboy. Yo-da-lay-hee-ho. Pras has just lost control of his bladder due to hunger. Pras is wet. Pras is very wet. Pras is in no mood to call the director of Turn it Up.
Day 8
Pras has a plan. He will go into a store and show the bodega owner his face. They will recognize him. For certain. And if they do not recognize him, Pras has decided that he will rap for them a verse from a very merry song. Everyone likes very merry songs. Pras knows this for certain. Pras will tell the bodega owner that he is a black ceasar who dates top divas. He will tell them about diplomatic legalese and how he has no time for a Visa. Pras will tell that they just begun, and how he’s gonna shoot them one by one. Pras will strike with the forces of King Solomon
and lett bygones be bygones. And so on, and so on. Pras will teach these cats how to live in the ghetto. Pras will keep it retro-spective from the get go. He will lay low, let his mind shine like a halo. Pras will politic with ghetto senators on the d-low.
Alas when Pras walks into the owner of the store and sings his song, the owners do not understand a word of what he is saying. The owners are Nepalese. Pras does not like Nepalese. Lauryn Hill told him once to never trust a Nepalese and to only trust Haitians. Pras listens to Lauryn Hill all the time. Even if she is miseducated he does not care. Pras only cares about the music. And about food. Pras will now gnaw on his arm.
Day 9
Today is Pras’ last day on the streets. It has not been easy. Pras does not know if he’s going to make it. Wait a minute, he sees a blue angel. Pras likes blue angels. Once he wrote a song about a blue angel. No one liked that song. Not even Pras. It does not matter, Pras is so hungry he will con the angel into coming close to him, then when he least suspects it Pras will eat the angel. The angel will be delicious. It will taste just like smurf. Pras will live after all. Salvation.
Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?, Best Of | 12 Comments »
March 20th, 2006
Despite his utter inability to connect with mainstream America, actor Matthew McConaughey is adament that he will not be discouraged by his lack of box office success, and will continue to make movies with integrity.
“America’s tough to please,” the self-described “wacky actor,” said. “I guess they don’t “get” the brand of zany humor that I and only I possess. What am I supposed to do, just make movies that everyone can enjoy? I act because it is the form of art that I choose to practice. And if some housewife in Des Moines, Iowa finds the version of reality presented in “Failure to Launch” too bleak, then that’s her problem.”
Critics have pointed out that McConaughey hasn’t exactly failed to connect with middle America, as his latest film “Failure to Launch” debuted at number #1 with a stellar first weekend gross of $24.5 million. Most contend that McConaughey is too dense to understand that this is objectively good.
“Whatever, $24.5 million, big deal. I don’t care about how much I’m paid. I don’t care how much my films make. I care about changing lives,” McConaughey passionately declared. “Do you know how many people’s lives were altered because of my movie “The Wedding Planner?” Do you know how many women became Wedding Planners because of that film? Do you know how many men became doctors so they could snare attractive women like J. Lo. The number is flabbergasting.”
McConaughey admitted that he used the word flabbergasting because he didn’t know an exact number and it sounded like a good placeholder. He also admitted that he didn’t know what the word flabbergasting means.
“My vocabulary might not be large,” the witty Texan said. “But I’ll tell you what is large. My heart. And to me there is nothing finer than a witty deconstruction of our social mores done in the form of the 90 minute romantic comedy. There’s nothing better. What’s going to happen? Which man is the woman going to pick? The suspense is enough to kill a person.”
Mike Dupree, the director of “The Wedding Planner” confimred that McConaughey is different from many of the other thespians that he has worked with in the past.
“He is truly an actor’s actor,” Dupree said. “Most of the other thespians that I have worked with are only interested in collecting their paychecks, but Matthew is interested in art. Not art like just your average good movie, but art in the highest sense. He is the Leonardo Da Vinci of the silver screen, though he hasn’t designed an elaborate code….yet!”
As for his upcoming role in “Dear Deliah,”, McConaughey will play America’s most widely read female advice columnist, Deliah. And Deliah has a secret — she’s a he. By day, he produces a male-oriented cable television show; by night, he doles out sage sisterly advice under a pseudonym. [Ed. Note: This is actually true. I swear]
McConaughey claims that “Dear Deliah,” will be his greatest role yet.
“When theatergoers see me as Deliah, it’s safe to say that everyone will drop to their knees and venerate me as the greatest actor who ever lived,” McConaughey said. “You might think this film is similar to my other ones in that yes, it is a romantic comedy, but it’s totally different. This time, I’ll be in drag. I’m not that familiar with film history but I believe this is the first time this has ever been done. And no one can fill out a pair of panty house like me. No one! Not like I’d know or anything.”
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March 8th, 2006
In an unprecedented case in the realm of online social networking, Mission Viejo teenager Austin St. Claire, has sued Myspace.com for false advertising, claiming that contrary to popular belief, Myspace is NOT a place for friends.
“Austin has been subjected to unbelievable amounts of mental anguish, thanks to this insidious plot being waged upon us by News Corp.,” St. Claire’s attorney, Noah Mandelbaum said. “When he contracted into a deal to be a member of the Myspace online community, he was promised that Myspace would be a safe haven where he could develop nurturing and caring relationships. Sadly, the reality has been anything but.”
According to Mandelbaum, the 18-year old St. Claire had been a normal teenager until getting lured into what he deemed, “the greatest time suck since the ancient Greeks invented philosophy.”
“It’s not like I went into Myspace expecting to have my life turned topsy-turvy, just maybe to meet some girls and reunite with people I’d lost touch with.” St. Clair said having been instructed by his attorney that “topsy-turvy” is a good word. “They promised me a place for friends. I haven’t met any friends. I’ve just been messaged by a bunch of shitty bands. How am I supposed to be friends with a band if they can’t even play a note.”
But St. Clair added that the constant pressures from having to decide whether or not to add a band or not were the not the only reasons for his psychic strain.
“It’s tough,” St. Clair admitted. “At first, I added a bunch of really hot girls in bikinis and everything was going great, but then it seemed like other girls that didn’t have photos of themselves in bikinis were intimidated or something by all the hot girls I was friends with. I mean, if they can’t handle that Tila Tequila and I are such close friends than I probably wouldn’t want to date them anyway.”
MySpace.com founder Tom Anderson was unavailable to comment, but issued a written statement about the case.
“Somebody needs to tell Austin St. Claire to mind his f****-ing business. He needs to shut up. We’ve got a good thing going on here over at Myspace and he needs to ruin everything,” Anderson wrote. “What’s wrong with him? Does he not understand the concept of metaphor? It’s not “really a space for friends.” Besides, it’s not our fault that he doesn’t have any game.”
But according to St. Claire, the suit has nothing to do with money and everything to do with dashed dreams.
“I went to Myspace for the purity. For the love. For the fact that I could customize my page with Thomas’ Myspace Editor V3.2b and believe that it expressed my individuality to the full depths of my soul,” St. Claire said. “Sadly, that reality is no longer true. If only it were a place for friends then perhaps I wouldn’t have had to sue. But what’s done is done. I’m trying to look at things on the bright side. After all, deleting my Myspace account actually spurred me to go to College. That way I can get a Facebook account. I wouldn’t have known how else to live.”
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NR: You’re right. I’m sorry. She’s awesome. Have you seen Sliver? It’s like totally classic cinema.
