Oct
07

Vatican Creates Commission to Investigate Miracle Reports at Thom Yorke Solo Show

Following a spate of reports from several attendees at Thom Yorke’s recent solo set at the Echoplex last week, the Vatican has created a commission to investigate reports of celestial visions and miracles performed, including a Los Angeles native who claimed that Yorke’s celestial wail and boisterous dance moves miraculously cured his gout, rickets, and… Continue reading »

Dec
12

The Never Before Revealed Script for Busta Rhymes’ “Arab Money” Video (With Deleted Scenes)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVGQX4aLu8A EXT. THE ARABIAN DESERT-DAY BUSTA RHYMES and jovial sidekick, SPLIFF STARR, stroll through a barren wasteland: famished, high and disoriented. Busta:Where are we, Spliff? Spliff Starr: Yemen. Busta Rhymes: Don’t yeah man, me…I pay you for two things: carrying drugs and geographic know-how. Spliff Starr: No, Yemen. It’s nearly 600,000 square kilometers, approximately the… Continue reading »

Aug
07

Who Is Your Daddy And What Does He Do?: A Summit Between John McCain and Daddy Yankee

Last week reggaeton star, Daddy Yankee and Arizona Senator John McCain met to discuss immigration, education and a possible Yankee endorsement of the Republican candidate for president. While a transcript of the interview has not officially surfaced, my top-secret sources have thankfully provided the details of what transpired during Daddy Yankee and Granddaddy McCain’s summit.… Continue reading »

Mar
05

Will i Am Offers Obama Handjob Via Campaign Song

As the voters of Texas, Rhode Island, Vermont and Ohio filed to the polls yesterday to help decide the Democratic Party’s nomination for President, will.i.am., the capitalization averse mastermind of the Black Eyed Peas continued his steadfast efforts to help elect Senator Barack Obama of Illinois. Indeed, while most election-day volunteers focused on get-out-the-vote efforts,… Continue reading »

Dec
04

Neurologist Conclusively Proves Snoop Dogg Has Smoked Himself “Retarded”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CfTKwHIqyI After an intense scrutiny of the video for “Sensual Seduction” confirmed what a battery of MRI exams had already hinted at, neurologist Gerald Schwartz of The Mayo Clinic has decisively concluded that the rapper, Snoop Dogg, has smoked himself “retarded.” “Retarded isn’t a term we even use anymore, but in this case it just… Continue reading »

Jul
15

Hipster’s Head Explodes at Pitchfork Music Festival

Marring an otherwise peaceful weekend, Harrison Lancaster of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was pronounced dead on the scene, at 9:45 p.m. on Saturday night, after his head reportedly exploded in the midst of Yoko Ono’s headlining set at the Pitchfork Music Festival in Chicago. No by-standers were apparently hurt, though several hirsute spectators complained to festival organizers… Continue reading »

May
15

Overweight Husband Bemoans King of Queens Cancellation

By Chuck Fitzpatrick When I woke up up this morning, I was struck by the horrible realization that this is the first morning of the rest of my life without the King of Queens. Sure, I knew the day would eventually come, but I guess in the back of my mind I never believed that… Continue reading »

Apr
09

Tampa woman certain that Ocean 13 will be best one yet

What are the odds of this being Halfway Decent? 13 to One. After seeing a preview of upcoming crime caper, Oceans 13 before the 7:30 showing of Blades of Glory, Tampa, Fla. resident Beth Flournoy remains convinced that Oceans 13 will easily be the finest film of the Oceans trilogy. A conclusion that in recent… Continue reading »

Apr
04

Interscope Signs MC Rove

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRSgjDEQy0 Off the strength of his powerhouse performance at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association dinner, MC Rove has been signed to a multi-album deal at “gangsta rap’s” most renowned label, Interscope. With hip-hop sales flagging of late, Jimmy Iovine and Co. claim that MC Rove is exactly the sort of new talent that the… Continue reading »

Mar
19

Fueled By NAMBLA Sales, Rich Boy Debuts At #1

With an estimated 50,000 copies purchased by members of NAMBLA, the eponymous debut from Rich Boy scored the #1 slot on the Soundscan charts last week, moving approximately 250,000 units total. While some have decried the unsavory politics of the North American Man/Boy Love Association, America’s chief pedophile defense organization, others maintain that Rich Boy… Continue reading »

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