November 21st, 2007
Zilla Rocca was caught stealing once when he was five. He enjoys stealing. It’s as simple as that.
Before I was an international bloggin’ sensation, I put in three years working for the worst corporate retailer not named Wal-Mart. You know this, I talked about this earlier in my post on the top 5 most returned CDs from 2002-2004.
In the aforementioned post, I alluded to the business arrangement we, the severely underpaid staff, made with the sticky handed crackheads who would routinely come into the store with freshly boosted CD’s and DVD’s. We got first dibbs on such hits as Training Day and The Blueprint 2 on their release dates. Crack heads were paid $8 a pop to go buy some more “medicine.” And there was much rejoicing for all parties! Hurrah!
However, along with the discounted deals from smokers, there was a yin to the yang of weekly hook-ups from criminals: thieves who were trying to come up on OUR products. Were these thieves “outsider” crackheads who didn’t get the hood memo stating that we, the severely underpaid staff, were “insiders” who knew their techniques of blatant thievery? And were said “outsider” crackheads too stupid to understand that we BOUGHT stolen products daily, therefore making us immune to theft by basic logic? These uninformed smokers were truly biting the hand that would happily feed them!
I Don’t Think You Understand Joe Rogan, I Smoke Rocks
This particular corporate retailer had the worst possible policy when it came to theft. Most stores have, at the very minimum, some overweight mope pulling down $10 an hour to stand near the door in their rent-a-cop suit while deterring theft and checking out women’s asses. Or some retailers opt for the “undercover” mopes who pretend to shop but basically just follow and grill the shit out of any black or white trash customers deemed “suspicious.” My corporate masters had us, the severely underpaid staff, act not only as customer service reps, maintenance, material handlers, inventory specialists, bank tellers but loss prevention hawks as well. How were we trained to handle the elusive, retail criminal mastermind? Watch a 10 minute video, of course.
Before I go any further, let me just say that some thieves are REALLY good. Some are elaborate: they scout the place out, they have multiple distractions going at the same time, they have a getaway car ready outside, they employ non-suspicious accomplices….just so they can steal 15 copies of Chocolate Factory. I applaud these jokers because an 18 year old in an oversized golf shirt trying to convince a 40 year old woman than Jennifer Lopez and J. Lo are the same person can’t possibly see the con unfolding from 3 different directions.
Now, our specific policy was to watch potential thieves, and if you SAW them putting something in their jacket, or heard them tear off the plastic to a DVD, you immediately ran and got a manager. If the thief managed to run out the door, it was out of our jurisdiction. We could not chase them nor physically manhandle thieves. We had to tattle on them first and then simply hope for the best. Oh, and call the police, who on average showed up 45 minutes to 3 hours later. We did have 1 camera pointed at the door but watching footage on that thing was like watching a Paris Hilton sex tape on a Verizon V cast phone underwater.
Let’s Just All Pretend That We Didn’t Watch This
My store manager at the time was an Irish badass from South Philly who L-O-V-E-D confronting possible thieves. He strongarmed our daily crackheads for specific items, pissed off annoying customers who tried to scheme their way into shady returns, and generally got off on loss prevention as a whole. This manager came up with a brilliant anti-theft system: apply an additional white anti-theft sticker to the OUTSIDE of DVD’s, then wrap it up with clear masking tape.
Most DVD’s have the white anti-theft stickers attached on the inside. These stickers are de-activated on a magnetic pad at the register after purchase. Thieves will typically either line a shopping bag with layers of duct tape to deactivate the stickers (aka a “booster bag”) or just cut a slit on the opening side of a DVD, wiggle the disc out, and put the empty DVD box back on the shelf. He didn’t apply this strategy to CD’s because CD’s were locked into plastic shucks which already have the anti-theft device inside of them.
He also made every customer check their bag at the register. Our company didn’t like this because you could potentially be sued if, say, someone brought up a bag and then got it back later while claiming they bought a diamond ring and it was no longer in the bag that they brought into the store. Whatever. This corporate retailer was just too cheap to employ fat mopes to stand around in rent-a-cop clothes.
This manager also decided to only put 1 copy of potential hot items (read: rap/R&B CD’s and hood approved movies) on display racks and in the aisles. All the inventory was put behind the register, so at the very worst someone would steal 3 copies of State Property: The Movie compared to 22. This was such a simple premise and yet our corporate higher-ups preferred to have us, the underpaid staff, stalk and hawkeye anyone who picked up anything in the Rap/Gospel/R&B sections and/or the Action/Urban DVD section.
This made life for people like myself and Big O less stressful. Now, with an improved anti-theft policy, we would only have to focus on the painfully moronic thieves and go back to what we were good at: making fun of customers’ tastes, cracking on girls, telling jokes and watching DVD’s at the front counter.
Be sure to check back new week for part 2 of “Been Caught Stealing.”
Download:
MP3: Jane’s Addiction-”Been Caught Stealing”
MP3: King Tubby-”Stealing”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 6 Comments »
November 13th, 2007
If you do not listen to his music Zilla Rocca will invade Japan. And he will be victorious.
It’s been a long and crazy hiatus from the Beat Generation. In the meantime, this has been the busiest month in Beat Garden’s short history thus far. We’re wrapping up Nico the Beast’s solo album No Beast So Fierce, my solo record Fall Back Friday, and we’re about a third of the way into the Triple Nickels album. Plus, I’ve been handling the podcast Zilla Rocca Radio (thank you to everyone who’s tuned in thus far; new episodes every other week). And on top of that, Jeff Mothafuckin’ Weiss came down to Philly to see the birthplace of Clean Guns, the shadiest spot to buy a 40 of Steel Reserve on a Sunday night (7th and Snyder—holla!) and, finally, the official row home of Beanie Sigel’s mother. At the bare minimum, it’s been exhausting.
With all of this label shit on my mind, I just want to air out some stuff that’s pissing me off! So here we go, in no particular order whatsoever:
- I just read a nice little segment on XXL’s website where they had current rappers ask Scarface questions about his career, the current climate of the game and why Southern rappers put as much of a premium on lyrics as they do with grammar lessons. I’ve never been a big ‘Face fan—I respect him and even bought that “Smile” joint with 2pac on cassette single. And “Guess Who’s Back” is one of the dopest joints of this millennium, I just never went out of my way to buy an album. Anyhpw, after getting great questions from Saigon and Pitbull (seriously…Pitbull), I read this “question” from Soulja Boy, my personal favorite to win Best Usage of White Out on Stunna Shades at the ’08 Ozone Awards.
“How did you feel when you first heard my song ‘Crank Dat Soulja Boy?’”
Like Our Parent’s Remembering Where They Were When They Heard JFK Was Shot, We Will Remember The First Time We Heard “Crank That”
- I realize that Soulja Boy is completely disposable and will be stocking shelves at Patmark at this time next year, and that question merely proved how brain dead the kid is. Scarface has to be almost 40 years old. According to the piece, he can play nearly every instrument. He’s worked with everyone from Jay-Z to Rick Rubin to Nas. He’s been in the game over 20 years and was the only cat from down South that most purists respected as a lyricist. A message to Soulja Boy from me: GROWN, RESPECTED MC’S DON’T LISTEN TO SONGS ABOUT SUPERMANNING HOES! The only men who do that are the rich white guys paying for their daughter’s crystal meth habits thanks to your ringtone sales. Asking Scarface how he “felt” when he heard arguably the worst song of 2007 is like asking Larry David what emotional state he was in when watching the first episode of “Yo Momma.”
- Fuck Brian Billick. I was down 3 points in my fantasy league going into last Monday night’s Ravens vs. Steelers game. I had Matt Stover, a kicker who single handedly was the offense for Baltimore in ’00. Granted, the Steelers are quietly tearing up the league this year while Baltimore is coming back to earth after going 13-3 last year. But the fact that Matt Stover, their lone consistent offensive weapon, only managed to get an extra point, therefore causing me to lose by 2 points, made me want to toss that smug asshole Brian Billick down a flight of stairs covered in thumb tacks. This is the same guy who signed Elvis Grbac and Randall Cunningham after winning a title with motherfucking Trent Dilfer—if it ain’t broke, you tall prick, then don’t fix it!
- I really can’t stand chicks who pretend to be interested in a guy, but really just want their ego stroked while staying with a C02 inhaling, American Eagle sporting boyfriend who treats them like shit. Women everywhere, take heed: don’t waste a man’s time by putting the word out that you want to be holla’d at, but then when dude comes around in person to doing the holla-ing, you put your head down and snub him. Not a good look.
Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2: Like Chinese Democracy But With Less Coke
- Raekwon’s got a lot of balls calling out the RZA’s musical decisions one month before the new Wu album (the first in 6 years, mind you) is set to drop. Rae, last time I checked, when you were left to your own devices to make musical decisions, you made Immobilarity, probably the worst follow-up to a stone cold classic in rap history. You would think you would’ve learned your lessons after dropping that cold turd, but no….you come back with The Lex Diamond Story. I didn’t buy that record ‘cause I was still salty about wasting $14 on Immobilarity—I even tried to convince myself it was half decent for a good 3 months. Nope. Cologne on dogshit don’t make it potpourri. People talk shit about Lil’ Wayne (and rightfully so), but if you peep the Vatican mixtapes that Raekwon puts out every 2 months, you’d see another MC that will literally get on ANY track with anybody. I’ve come to dig his style a whole lot the past few months, and he always handles the majority of songs on any Wu-Tang album, so I don’t question his work ethic or dedication to the group. He’s an amazing lyricist who crafted a classic album that is still being ripped off today. However, it’s not a good idea to blast the musical mastermind behind your own success just weeks before the release of a highly touted album, while you yourself rhyme on worse beats than Nas.
- I’m pissed at the internet mindset in general, especially when it comes to American Gangster, the movie and soundtrack. I’ve fallen victim to the “Oh shit, I can own this album/watch this movie before it comes out” attitude since back in 2000 when I bought my first bootleg CD (Canibus’ 2000 B.C.). I’m all about not wasting your hard earned money on wack material. But this movie was made by Ridley Scott. It stars Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. It’s based on a fascinating crime boss. It’s flooded with hip hop stars not playing typical rapper roles. The soundtrack is made by Jay-Z (the GOAT based on my science) and the score is composed by Hank Shocklee of the Bomb Squad. So let’s run this down:
The director of Alien, Gladiator, Blade Runner, and Black Hawk Down
+
The star of Training Day, Man on Fire, Inside Man, and Malcolm X
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The star of Gladiator, L.A. Confidential, Cinderella Man, and 3:10 to Yuma
+
Supporting roles from T.I. (multi-platinum rapper), Common (somewhat platinum rapper), RZA (multi-platinum cross-genre star) and Idris Elba (infinite hood pass as Stringer Bell on The Wire).
+
True life story about a notorious mob boss, something all Americans respond to since we love crime, murder, sex, money and the eventual downfall of powerful figures
+
A soundtrack inspired by the movie from the greatest MC to ever touch a mic, who was SO inspired by the movie, he went strictly into Reasonable Doubt mode SPECIFICALLY FOR THE FUCKING MOVIE (something he hadn’t done since 1996) and knocked out a cohesive, cinematic conceptual album that was his most focused work in six years.
+
A score composed by Hank Shocklee, a man who helped make arguably the greatest hip hop album of all time in It Takes a Nation of Millions, someone who is so technically gifted and intelligent at his craft that he took music cues based solely on the chronological order of the movie (i.e. if the scene is set in 1969, he made music that sounded only like 1969, not 1970 or 1971).
=
A thoroughly enjoyable night at the movies coupled with a wonderful ride home listening to an inspired piece of art based on the movie you just watched. I can understand watching the bootleg in advance if the movie starred John Leguizamo, Treach, Fat Joe, Denise Richards one of the goons from Sopranos—oh wait, that was Empire, a really shitty take on this same movie. Wait until the movie and CD drops and spend money on good material, my friends. Pillage and steal over priced garbage. \
Download:
MP3: Jay-Z ft. Nas-”Success”
MP3: Zilla ft. Mally from the 612-”Sunbathing Bitches”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 9 Comments »
October 29th, 2007
Zilla Rocca is known in some circles as the Philly underground’s version of LL Cool J. This makes Freeway very jealous. And yes, if you were wondering, I will use any and every opportunity I have to post the Bobby Digital album cover.
I don’t know about other bloggers, but a large chunk of what I write about for The Beat Generation comes from conversations I have. My much debated Jay-Z vs. Nas post stemmed from an hour long shouting match with Nico the Beast, our manager Big O and a friend of his who was a Nas-stan (nevermind Big O trying to justify LL Cool J in his top 5 MC’s of all time—that’s a whole ‘nother blog).
I just wrapped up a two-day conversation/diatribe/shouting match with a female co-worker on dating tips for men. As a world famous hip hop star, I’m known to put it down with the ladies throughout the tri-state area (even though Philadelphia was just voted the least attractive city by some tourist study—‘cause I’m sure all the hotties are chilling in Cleveland ). But this debate wasn’t about anything sexual…no, no no. This was about a kiss, and ONLY a kiss
Now, I know women. I was raised by one. I lived with one. I talk to them everyday. I like to eat with them and take them to see extremely violent films. I’m no ladies man by any means but I’m doing OK. What I have learned from women is this:
1) They will take a free date (dinner, movies, bowling, drinking shooters at Chili’s) from a large chunk of the male population.
2) If they like you enough, they will most likely show you at the end of the date in some kind of physical way.
3) If they think you are the reincarnation of Jon Favreau from Swingers (before he listened to Vince Vaughn and that guy named Sue), they will keep that physical affection to themselves; unless they feel really guilty or actual pity towards you, then you might get a kiss once but that’s it.
4) Just because you get a girl’s number and take her out doesn’t guarantee a kiss on the first date. However, if you are asking a girl for her number, get it, then arrange to take her out, you are hinting that there is some kind of romantic/physical attraction happening that you’d like to explore. It’s up to you to “seal the deal” on the date. If you don’t, refer to rules 1 and 3.
What? Like House of Pain Was Going to Do Anything?
Now, the first date is the audition. You (the man) are simply doing your best not to say anything stupid (“Don’t you just love Larry the Cable Guy?”) in hopes of getting yourself another date. She (the lady) is also up for inspection, however her levels of interest will dictate the outcome of the date. So, your job is to grab her interest and maintain it at a high level. If you do that, then you should be able to go in for a kiss with no problem.
Following that logic, if a girl is NOT interested in you based off your 3 hour audition at Dave & Buster’s, then she will maybe let you kiss her on the cheek, or she’ll give you a hug, or my favorite, give you a handshake, aka “The Crippler.” If the outcome of your first date ends in any of these, you’re most likely going to end up in the Friend Zone. Every guy has a friend trapped in the Friend Zone—a guy with tons of beautiful and available woman at his disposal and they’re all his “pals” or “buds.” He is, to quote Ace Ventura, a “la-hoo-za-her.” Unless he’s gay—that’s a serious untapped resource to straight men everywhere.
Now, I refuse to reside in the Friend Zone. So my rule of thumb is that if I cannot secure a kiss on the first date, I’m simply never calling the girl again. If she’s not digging me enough after talking on the phone, then going out with me for 2-3 hours to give me a smooch, then it’s a lost cause. You’ll either most likely end up in the Friend Zone, which is worse than sitting in hell with Soulja Boy, or you’ll get a second date as she tries to “make up her mind” if she’s digging you. That’s like eating a Kit Kat and saying “Ehh…you know I’m not sure if this is sweet enough yet. Let me try it again next weekend maybe.” Please. It’s not that complicated—you’re either enjoying the crispy chocolate covered wafer or you’re not. It’s not going to taste different next week.
Right Now, This is the Most Popular Rapper in the World. Let That Slowly Start to Sink In….
After sharing this with two female co-workers, here’s the responses I got. On a sidenote, they are not 60 years old:
“Ewww—you’s a whore!!! I can’t believe you go around putting your mouth on everybody!”
“I never kiss on the first date. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you. If I like you, I’ll kiss you on the cheek or give you a hug.”
“I wouldn’t kiss a man on the mouth until the third date.”
“You don’t know what is going on with that person’s mouth! They could have cold sores or herpes of the mouth!!!”
“I need a few more dates to check out the man’s mouth to make sure I won’t contract anything from him.”
Apparently, my female co-workers only get asked out by men who clean bathrooms at the bus station. And they’re only comfortable giving a kiss after spending 10-12 hours with someone AFTER they’ve given them a full dental examination “just in case.” And they were born apparently in 1934 but physically appear to be 25 years old.
I’m trying to get as much feedback from the outside world as possible. Please me give your thoughts on this situation because my co-workers actually think I’m crazy. Is a man being a mouth whore by expecting a kiss on the first date? Is it acceptable for a woman to give a nice, cuddly hug to indicate her high level of interest? Are Kit Kats better frozen or at room temperature?
Help me, people!
Download:
MP3: Rza-”Kiss of a Black Widow”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 17 Comments »
October 14th, 2007
Zilla Rocca likes Tribe Called Quest more than he likes Hammer. Though he does like the girls with the “pumps and a bump.”
The first time I heard Lupe, he was spitting a forgettable verse about anime, peach fuzz and Mrs. Butterworth on Kanye’s “Touch the Sky.” I didn’t like his voice, nor his rhyme scheme, nor the fact that his name was Lupe Fiasco. It sounded like a Spanish liquor or something. At best, I thought he was a new GOOD Music weedcarrier like Really Doe or GLC who would only pop up on Kanye albums but never actually release anything.
My next encounter with Lupe was at Tower Records, looking through the magazine section and seeing an issue of Fader with the bespectacled one on the cover. I thought “Hey it’s the Lupe dude with the shitty verse on Kanye’s song. Why the hell is he on the cover of this magazine?” I do this a lot with new artists who are on magazine covers when I’ve never heard of them—I hate their guts for no real reason, then 6 months later I discover them on my own, buy their music and try to convert everyone else. See: Bloc Party.
I ended up hearing “Kick, Push” and was quiet impressed. The beat was dope as hell, the concept was original and the hook was catchy. I even did a freestyle to it on the Clean Guns mixtape. I also picked up the DJ Envy assisted mixtape titled Chi Town Guervera and downloaded some random joints from his Revenge of the Nerd mixtapes.
Finally, Food & Liquor dropped and I listened to it about 10 times straight, front to back, while in NYC last September for a week. I was hella impressed with Lupe’s lyrics and unconventional concepts, especially “American Terrorist” and “The Cool.” I knew he wouldn’t sell tons of units, but that didn’t matter—there was hope in the land of commercial hip hop. He was truly an emcee’s emcee. Some of his beats were a little too Just Blaze-lite for me after repeat listens. Nevertheless, I championed him and his record to my friends and fellow hip hoppers.
Since that time, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the guy. I love the fact that he spends a lot of time concocting intricate metaphors and ripping off stories from anime’s I’ll never watch.
Excelsior!!!!!!!!
Here’s what I don’t like:
1. He goes out of his way to say how much he doesn’t like hip hop. He talks about how he only listens to jazz and that he never got into Tribe or De La. He wanted Pink Floyd on his new album. He prefers It Was Written to Illmatic. He seems to enjoy being contrarian. Remember when he was supposedly getting Three Six Mafia on his album after it leaked? I’m sure a Muslim from Chicago and three southern ding bats who wrote “Tear Da Club Up” have a whole lot to say on a track together. Thankfully, he did that shitty song with Mike Shinoda instead. If you don’t like hip hop, don’t do hip hop. Make your Electric Circus or Love Below and get it out of your system.
2. He started the craze of overcrowded-designer hoodies along with Pharrell. It’s officially over now because you can buy the knock-off joints at Forman Mills for $13.
3. One of the producers on his label, Prolyfic, is a certified douche. Peep his MySpace bio: www.myspace.com/prolyficfnf
4. He messed up the lyrics to “Electric Relaxation” on VH1’s Hip Hop Honors. Since he clearly did not grow up listening to Tribe, why did he agree to do this song? Was Little Brother unavailable? They’ve spent their entire career trying to re-make this song. Throw them a frickin bone.
5. Lupe is known for being “internet savy.” Call me old school but I don’t like major label rappers posting comments on blogs or forums on a weekly basis. Phonte from Little Brother does this sometimes and it annoys me too. They are still fans. They read these sites and may catch feelings when someone talks about them. But if your full-time job is to be an emcee, leave the bitching and crying and hyping to us rap dorks who have jobs that give us internet access. If I wanted to know your direct thoughts on why cats like snap music but don’t buy the latest Mic Geronimo internet-only release, I’d send you an inflammatory email on MySpace because I know you check it every day on your phone.
Get Down, Do You?
Things I’d like to see on The Cool:
1. Ten or more songs produced by Kanye (“The Cool” is Kanye’s best produced album cut since “Never Change”) and Soundtrakk (of “Kick, Push” fame. Kid is nice and he’s Hawaiian. Bonus!). Less songs produced by Douche Lord Prolyfic.
2. One CRS supergroup song. “Us Placers” was interesting from Kanye’s Can’t Tell Me Nothing mixtape. This is highly unlikely though—Kanye has too much ego to get outshined by Lupe on a consistent basis as an MC. And Pharrell is too busy rapping about Italian bandaids and Peruvian shower curtains to make a coherent song on a real album—just look at his verse on “Mr. Me Too.”
3. Three tracks produced by Q-Tip. I really think the Abstract’s loose, warm, jazzy style would be a good contrast to Lupe’s nasal voice and layered lyrics. There were too many loud, epic bangers on Food & Liquor that drowned out Lupe, and he was too complex for his own good sometimes. Pharrell made “I Gotcha” specifically as a Native Tongues-style track and Lupe was right at home—bouncy, fun, simple (even though he posted somewhere on the internet that he is NOT a Native Tongues fan but Pharrel thought he was…so he did the track anyway?!? Whatever, it’s hot still).
4. Two club records produced by Needlz. They did a joint called “Tilted” on the Best Buy version of Food & Liquor that was f*cking FIRE!!! More please.
5. No more hoodies or skateboard references. It would be cool if he did a De La Soul is Dead theme and put to rest the anime/video game/hipster fashion persona. I think people are drawn to Lupe because he has substance as an emcee, he offers an alternative to coke/ringtone rap and he definitely makes you hit rewind several times during the course of an album. Right now, he strikes me as MF Doom shopping at Urban Outfitters.
Unlike my love/hate relationship with Mos Def, Lupe is capable of putting out another record that actually has some raps on it. He also has the capability to make a classic hip hop album that could cross over. I just hope realizes it’s okay to rock out to Low End Theory.
Download:
MP3: Lupe Fiasco-”Daydreamin’”
MP3: Lupe Fiasco-”Kick Push”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 8 Comments »
September 30th, 2007
Zilla Rocca is the rap Jack Bauer. Which makes Jack Bauer, the CIA Zilla Rocca. Either way, the terrorists lose.
Before I began my career as a highly paid guest blogger here at The Passion, I worked at a national retailer specializing in music in movies from October 2001 until November 2004. For a music nerd like me, it was great. I made roughly $80-$120 per week, which was enough to support my weekend drinking, new magazines, gas and fast food. Wait, that actually sucked. But I got a sweet discount on CD’s, DVD’s, accessories and old Playstation games (Wu-Tang: Shaolin Style anyone?). I slaved away for three years, selling Scorpions CDs to immigrants, chasing thieves across the parking lot and working my hardest to recommend good albums to people who came in looking to buy the latest Ja Rule record.
Around late 2002, the company decided to start buying back used CDs and DVDs from customers. This was a great idea because crackheads would steal all the newest releases across the parking lot at Wal-Mart and then sell it to us for $8. Everyday. Plus, since we knew they were committing illegal acts, we could make requests for the new Spiderman DVD or the latest Jay-Z CD. It was a great deal: we wanted free stuff, they wanted crack. We could call the cops and deny them crack money, or they could just steal an extra copy of Training Day and everybody would win. Most of the time, everybody did.
The only downside about buying and selling used items is that we would absorb the overstock from other locations when they went out of business. This presented a HUGE problem because we would always get eleven copies of the same twenty titles mixed in with scary metal CDs and shitty west coast rap compilations nobody had any business buying or selling in Pennsylvania. Obviously, our used inventory was stocked full of the boy bands of the late 90s: O-Town, 98 Degrees, LFO, 2Gether (that kinda-funny MTV satirical group with Chris Farley’s brother), and of course the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman tag team of teenyboppers: The Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. Not counting the shaved chest crew, here’s a list of the most returned albums of 2002-2004.
1. Limp Bizkit: Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.
Fred Durst, at his peak of supreme douchery, thought he could make the worst possible album in the worst possible genre with the worst possible album title and people would buy as many copies as Significant Other. Thankfully, the general public turned on the balding nu-metalist and their wretched single “Rollin” in which Durst rhymed, “I know you’re loving this shit right here, B-I-Z-K-I-T right here.” This technical wizardry would later be used to much dope boy acclaim by Cam’ron, Young Jeezy and Jim Jones only a few years later. Apparently, that kind of lyricism works if you’re not wearing a red Yankees hat backwards and you sell crack on Christmas.
2. Sisqo: Unleash The Dragon.
“Thong, tha-thong, thong thong!�
You see that? I just typed the hook to the biggest song of 1999. Considering the top song on iTunes right now is ‘Crank Dat Soulja Boy,’ I don’t feel so bad for the music buying audience of eight years ago. We’ve actually become dumber.
Unlike Limp Bizkit, Sisqo had some credibility by being a member of the R&B group Dru Hill, which was Michael Vick’s alias back in his Virginia Tech days of giving herpes to sorority chicks. Even his Silver Surfer hair and Kids R Us/Mo Money Mo Problems-styled outfits didn’t seem to bother consumers because, dammit, who else was talking about thongs in 1999?!?? Well, three years later, Sisqo’s opus found its way into the used bins by the dozens. I wonder if the number of returned thongs at Wet Seal and Fashion Bug actually increased during this time period as well
3. Ricky Martin: Ricky Martin
I have to thank Ricky Martin: I was never really comfortable with men wearing v-neck shirts with nothing underneath it. Once Ricky Martin (the album and the man) came out with v-necks in full glory, hair gel-a-plenty, and candle wax dripping on his naked torso, I had all the proof I needed. Straight men and v-necks with no shirt underneath are not a good look.
This album and its massive single “Livin� La Vida Loca” also proved to me that the government does hate rap and will pin a tail to one donkey while there’s hella ass everywhere else. Example lyric: “She’ll make you live her crazy life but she’ll take away your pain, like a bullet to your brain.” Granted, Ricky Martin is a flaming homosexual with pearly white teeth and bronze skin. But just imagine if at his peak, DMX said something similar. His album would get pulled from Wal-Mart. He’d be accused of encouraging suicide. Oprah, Al Sharpton, Bill O�Reilly and the other media clowns would slam him daily. But throw on some snug trousers, quit a boy band and you can recite the lyrics to Cormega’s Dead Man Walking. No problem.
4. Mystikal: Let’s Get Ready/Tarantula (Tie)
My theory with both of these albums is that people really liked “Danger” and “Shake Ya Ass” from Let’s Get Ready and kind of liked “Bouncin Back” from Tarantula. So they put those three songs on CD-R or their first generation iPods, then sold the Mystikal combo pack back to us for a cool $7.00 combined. And who needs more than three songs from Mystikal in their collection? It’s like owning more than 2 Snoop Dogg albums. ‘Nuff said.
5. Crazy Town : The Gift of Game
I forgot to include in my previous post on William (no more periods, I’m done)that he also sucks for helping put together Crazy Town . I remember when they hit #1 with “Butterfly” they did an interview with MTV stating that William was friends with one of the non-talented MC/singers and put him in contact with his other non-talented friend who was already doing Crazy Town. You see, William never stops sucking, even when he wasn’t famous.
I’ll even show you two reviews for this album, one clearly written by a nu-metal enthusiast who helped push this album to platinum status and one written by the type of person with good taste who sold this CD back to us for $1.75. By the way, did you know that KRS-One is on this album?
Review #1 on Amazon.com:
Crazy Town is definetly the band of the future. They combine rap and metal in a way that is unlike anyone else. This is no Kid Rock or Limp Bizkit or any of that. What this is is a totally new level of rapcore. They combine the rhyming skills of rap godfathers Dr. Dre and Ice Cube with the thick guitar chords of Korn or Incubus. And yet they still cease to sound like any one of those. Songs like “Darkside” “Toxic” “Think Fast” and “Hollywood Babylon” are smooth, fast and furious rap metal. The best song on here, “Black Cloud” features Jay Gordon of Orgy, and is a dark, soothing, melodic song. “Butterfly” is their version of a love song, and “B Boy 2000″ pits KRS-One against Epic and Shifty in one of the best collaborations ever. If you just pass this off as a bunch of wiggers with guitars, then you are mistaken my friend. Look for this band to blow up and make it big someday soon.�
Review #2 on Amazon.com (this is the most precise one):
“They dress like punks and play limp-wristed rap-rock. Lameness personified.”
CONCLUSION
When I read articles about the music industry collapsing, I picture the people people who made millions and millions of dollars forcing consumers to buy the entire Crazy Town album for that one song they actually wanted. I think about the same people suing their customers because they refuse to waste their money on garbage like Crazy Town (even Kris Parker feels good about that in retrospect). The economy sucks, CDs are quickly fading and radio is a joke. But at least we have options now. Never again will we be forced to spend $18 on a Sisqo CD. Unless William produces his comeback album.
Posted in The Beat Generation | 16 Comments »
September 19th, 2007
Just to make it clear: (because apparently no one reads these introductions) “The Beat Generation” is Zilla’s column. I, Jeff Weiss, did not write it. However, I did write both “Private Eyes” and “Maneater” for Hall & Oates. I also invented the Roger Rabbit; both the cartoon character and the dance craze.
Everyone’s a rapper: Ron Artest. Tyrese. The back-up guard on the Timberwolves. Randy Savage. Tony Yayo.
And with the massive influx of rappers emerging everyday (thanks Myspace), coupled with the climate of dwindling sales, a serious epidemic of atrocious stage naming has broken out. And to assist my fellow rappers (especially those that started rapping when Killa Season dropped) here’s my official guide to:The 5 Rap Names You Can’t Use Anymore: 2007 Edition.
1) Young/Yung, Lil/Little, Big/Bigg
REASON:. If your name starts with any one of these titles, you will be bagging groceries at Super Fresh within a year of getting your deal or dropping your “street classic” mixtape.
WHO TO BLAME: Jay-Z, every Southern rapper of the past 15 years, Father Time, smoking at a young age, poor eating habits
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Something more realistic, descriptive and creative. Everyone under 5’8’’ shouldn’t be “Lil” and everyone under 25 shouldn’t be “Young.”
EXAMPLES: “Middle-Aged Murda.” “Average Height Wayne .” “Eating Problem Killa.”
2) Famous Mafia/Drug Dealers (Real or Fictional)
REASON: It’s not a good look to take your name from someone who is either A) doing 25 to life and has no personal connection to you, B) was killed by rivals and/or the US Government, or C) was a fictional character who died in a movie that came out before 1995.
That was a cool trend in 1997 before the movement evolved into the current “Young/Lil’/Big” trend that is so popular today. However, this is nothing admirable when naming yourself after criminals who lost to the law, to the streets, etc. Sure, they made $50 million off cocaine in 1986 and have 23 bodies to their name, but they are now someone’s bitch. Or dead.
WHO TO BLAME: 2Pac, The Outlawz, Biggie, Nas, Capone-N-Noreaga, Rick Ross, Freeway, 50 Cent, Brian De Palma, Mario Puzo, Al Pacino, Martin Scorcese
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Republicans. No one from Michael Corleone to John Gotti, is more gangsta than these mothfuckas. They take money hand over fist. They shit on education and the environment in favor of power and “the hook-up.” They start beef. They lie to the government like it’s a sport. They watch each other’s back. And when one of them get pinched, they make sure it’s only a slap on the wrist.
EXAMPLES: Karl Rove. Dick Cheney. George Mothafuckin’ Bush.
3) Short Bus/Pre-Kindergarten Inspired Nicknames
REASON: This is just pathetic. Why on earth would a grown man wanted to be called Tum Tum? That’s the name of the annoying kid in 3 Ninjas. Freaky Zeaky sounds like the fat boy who farts in class and eats dried boogers. Soldier Boy sounds like the name of the slow kid up the block who used to put mud in his hair, play G.I. Joes on the porch alone and shit himself.
WHO TO BLAME: Peedi Peedi, Jibbs, Webbie, Dipset, Bow Wow, women who smoked while pregnant, global warming, Carrot Top.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Really, anything not on this list is an instant upgrade.
EXAMPLES: Here’s some I just made up that are infinitely better than Webbie: Uncle Duct Tape. MC Tire Iron. Matchbook Monster. Rappin’ Dave. Pimp Stamp Collector. T-Politeness.
4) Metaphor/Metafore/Medaphore
REASON: There’s too many rappers with this name and I don’t know why. I think they want to express how poetic or well-read they are. And that’s pompous. Bill Gates doesn’t walk around with bling on.
If you name yourself any variation of “Metaphor,” you resign yourself to two destinies: either as a white nerd rapper who gets murdered at Scribble Jam every year or as a black nerd rapper who flows like Talib Kweli. No one wants either of these.
WHO TO BLAME: Literary majors, Big Pun, Wu-Tang, scientologists, Rawkus Records, HipHopInfinity.com, weed, white people.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Any other part of speech, while still lame, will not get you lumped into this group. And that again is an instant upgrade.
EXAMPLES: Mr. Preposition. J-Interjection. The Article “A.”
5) Long Acronyms/Overusage of Periods
REASON: Besides being a pain in the ass to type, having a long acronym or overusing periods to spell your name in 2007 is completely impractical. Technology and culture are moving so fast that people don’t have time to remember what those five straight consonants in your name really mean.
“Hey check out the latest album from D.X.E.F.I.N.Q.” I’m not going to ask what that means because I do not give a shit. And adding unnecessary punctuation is tedious—this is hip hop, people. Less is more.
Don’t give yourself an acronym after you’ve had your name for 5 years. Does anyone really believe Memphis Bleek’s name is an acronym for Makin’ Easy Money Pimpin’ Hoes in Style? Then why does he?
WHO TO BLAME: L.E.G.A.C.Y. of Justus League (uber-annoying to type), The Notorious B.I.G., Wu-Tang, DMX, will.i.am, T.I, Big Daddy Kane, The LOX, One.Be.Lo, Mista F.A.B.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: As much love as UGK gets from fans and bloggers, how the hell did they name their latest album after their ACTUAL name? UGK means Underground Kingz. Their new album is titled Underground Kingz. That’s like KRS-One making an album called Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everybody and no one calling him on his shit. Or Bell Biv DeVoe making an album called BBD. Retarded. Keep it short and simple.
EXAMPLES: Legacy, The Notorious Big, DMX (he named himself after a drum machine and tried to cover it up later—asshole), William, Tee Eye, Underground Kingz.
CONCLUSION
Over the past few years, garbage names in hip hop have become a serious threat to our children, our music and our family values. If you follow these five easy steps, you will ensure the safety of our streets, the sanctity of our hip hop, and the death of characters like Lil’ Chedda Man, Capone Gotti Castro Click, Bum Bum Boy, Met-a-four and M.I.S.T.A. F.L.A.M.E.S. (Major Innovator Sound Tower Alliance Frequently Letting Assholes Make Everyone Suffer)
While you can definitely find many music quizzes to take to help you quiz your knowledge on your favorite musical artists you can also find lots of other kinds of quizzes online. If you’re working on a diet then nutrition quizzes might be what you’re looking for, or if you are graduating high school then career quizzes might prove useful.
Posted in The Beat Generation | 20 Comments »
September 10th, 2007
My name is Jeff Weiss and I approve of Zilla’s message.
So last weekend I was involved in a HEATED hip hop argument (as most hip hop arguments are). and one of the main points was my contention that Jay-Z is the greatest MC of all time. Of course, that opened up an entire can of worms. What do you base “the greatest of all-time” on? Lyrical skills? Style? Influence? Discography? Battles? Hit singles? Trends set? Stability and consistency? Ability to sleep with other rappers’ babies mamas?
For my money, Jay-Z annihilates Nas and Biggie in every category and since Biggie was murdered prematurely, I’m not going to instantly give him the crown just because not a single rapper can say a verse without name dropping Chris Wallace. Sorry folks, he died after Life After Death was finished. Do the math. Two great albums to Jay-Z’s three, so he’s done. (Blame Puffy. I, along with Voletta Wallace, Lil’ Cease, The Lox, Charli Baltimore, Lane “Un Rivera,” Faith Evans, the Harlem Boys Coir, Carrot Top, Dan Akroyd and Hank Gathers already have.)
What was left was an argument between myself and a Nas fan who will eat a plate of Nas-sponsored horse shit and tell himself that it’s hot apple pie (also known as Nastradamus). These Nas fans are the worst. I myself WORSHIP at the altar of Nasir Jones, but you can’t tell me I Am is a classic, or even above average for that matter. As Nas stans are wont to do, he wasn’t having any of that crazy objectivity/logic/common sense. bullshit. No, no no; he honestly believed “Rewind” was a better song than Jay-Z’s “U Don’t Know,” a song that kickstarted Just Blaze’s career and found Jay absolutely MURDERING the biggest banger of his career thus far.
Nasty Nas To Esco to Escobar, Now He is Nastragarbage
My overriding point was that yes, Nas is amazing. Nas has 2 great albums under his belt. He’s made some ridiculously outstanding songs. But Jay-Z makes better ALBUMS. So in order to scientifically prove it to the world, I decided to devise a log of Songs I Like Per Album (SILPA). This is highly scientific method that I created, (since I am brilliant) is a list of the studio albums released by Nas (Lost Tapes and QB’s Finest don’t count) and Jay-Z (those R. Kelly and Linkin Park CD’s don’t count). I then divided the number of Songs I Like Per Album (SILPA) by the total number of songs on the album and came up with a percentage.
I’ve been buying rap albums my whole life. After 5 listens, I know what songs I don’t like. Since rap albums always have WAY too many songs on them, I usually look at a rap album to be “good” if 50% of the album is skippable. For example, if Lloyd Banks has 18 tracks on his new album and I skip 9, then it’s an “average/good” album.
The breakdown:
0-10%= A Disaster of Epic Proportions (i.e. The Macho Man Randy Savage Album)
11-20%= The Artist Should Kill Themselves (most No Limit records fall into this rating)
21-30%= Putrid (The last few Eminem releases)
31-40%= Kind Crappy But Has It’s Moments
41-50%= Average/Good (80 percent of my CD collection)
51-60%= Very Good
61-70%= This Sh*t is Bangin
71-80%= Excellent
81-100%= Classic
Be A Man….A Macho Macho Man
Here’s the intense study that took me a mind-numbing 13 minutes and literally ten’s of clicks on Wikipedia to hook up:
Nas Songs I like Per Album (NSILPA):
Illmatic
Songs I Like: 8 out of 9 (PS. Sorry “One Time 4 Your Mind”)
SILPA Raint=88% (CLASSIC)
It Was Written
Songs I Like: 11 out of 15
SILPA Rating=73% (EXCELLENT)
I Am…
Songs I Like: 8 out of 16
SILPA Rating=50% (AVERAGE/GOOD)
Nastradamus
Songs I Like: 3 out of 15
SILPA Rating=20% (THE ARTIST SHOULD KILL HIMSELF)
Stillmatic
Songs I Like: 8 out of 14
SILPA Rating=57% (VERY GOOD)
God’s Son
Songs I Like: 4 out of 14
SILPA Rating=29% (PUTRID)
Street’s Disciple
Songs I Like: Disc one: 5 out of 12=42%
Songs I Like: Disc two: 5 out of 13=38%
SILPA Rating=40% (KINDA CRAPPY BUT HAS ITS MOMENTS)
Hip Hop is Dead
Songs I Like: 8 out of 16
SILPA Rating=50% (AVERAGE/GOOD)
SILPA Results: I like 51% of Nas songs per album (VERY GOOD)
Jay-Z Songs I Like Per Album (JSILPA)
Reasonable Doubt
Songs I Like: 14 out of 15 (PS. Sorry “Coming of Age”)
SILPA Rating=93% (CLASSIC)
Vol. 1 In My Lifetime…
Songs I Like: 7 out of 14
SILPA Rating=50% (AVERAGE/GOOD)
Vol. 2 Hard Knock Life
Songs I Like: 6 out of 14
SILPA Rating=43% (AVERAGE/GOOD)
Vol. 3 Life and Times of S. Carter
Songs I Like: 6 out of 15
SILPA Rating=40% (KINDA CRAPPY BUT HAS ITS MOMENTS)
The Dynasty: Roc La Familia
Songs I Like: 11 out of 16
SILPA Rating=69% (THIS SH*T IS BANGIN’)
Blueprint
Songs I Like: 12 out of 13 (PS. Sorry “H to the Izzo”)
SILPA Rating=92% (CLASSIC)
Blueprint 2: The Gift and the Curse
Songs I Like: Disc One: 5 out of 11=45%
Songs I Like: Disc Two: 4 out of 14=29%
SILPA Rating=36% (KINDA CRAPPY BUT HAS ITS MOMENTS)
The Black Album
Songs I Like: 11 out of 14
SILPA Rating=79% (EXCELLENT)
Kingdom Come
Songs I Like: 6 out of 14
SILPA Rating=43% (AVERAGE/GOOD)
SILPA RESULTS: I like 61% of Jay-Z songs per album (THIS SH*T IS BANGIN’)
As you can clearly see from my vastly detailed and phenomenally executed experiment, Jay-Z wins with an overall SILPA Rating of 61% (This Sh*t is Bangin’) for his recording career versus Nas’ score of 51% (Very Good). The overall trend for Jay-Z is that the less number of songs on each album he released, the better their chances of me liking more songs. I like 13 of 14 cuts on Reasonable Doubt compared to 9 of 25 cuts on Blueprint 2.
With Nas, who’s been wildly inconsistent with his beat selection post-It Was Written, I’ve never liked more than 8 songs on any album made since 1996. Even Jay-Z’s most statistically pathetic album Blueprint 2 with a score of 36% (Kinda Crappy But Has Its Moments) is still more tolerable than Nastradamus’ score of 20% (The Artist Should Kill Himself). And there you have it—science steps up to the plate and easily backs my argument that Jay-Z is the GOAT. Read it and weep, bitches.
Download:
MP3: Jay-Z-”U Don’t Know”
MP3: Jay-Z-”Hey Papi”
MP3: Nas-”Take It in Blood“
MP3: Nas-”NY State of Mind”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 29 Comments »
August 28th, 2007
Zilla Rocca, the mastermind behind Beat Garden Entertainment and 1/2 of Clean Guns, (the most OCD fire-arms in the history of automatic weaponry) has returned to once again grace us with his presence. He dedicates this rant to David Banner and Peedi Crakk for respectively melting Al Sharpton’s crusade to censor lyrics and for calling Papoose out for flat-out sucking.
I first came across Will I Am (aka Wyclef on a budget) back in the late 90s when Black Eyed Peas’ “Joints and Jams” appeared on the Bullworth soundtrack. Like any hip hop head, the song and video was a breath of fresh air during a time dominated by Ruff Ryders and No Limit Soldiers. The Peas were actual b-boys doing actual b-boy shit in their videos—paying homage to hip hop’s past while breaking and spitting the most basic, kindergarten rhymes I’ve ever heard.
But who cared at that point? Hell, The Peas even managed to get a joint from Premier for their second album. And they certainly weren’t as pompous as The Roots, so they had no reason to generate any type of feelings from me. Hell, I didn’t even bat an eye when will.i.am put out an instrumental CD on BBE alongside Pete Rock and J Dilla (yes, this actually happened).
Of course that all changed with “Where is The Love?” And then “Let’s Get Retarded”—oops, I mean “Let’s Get it Started” (can’t piss off the NBA). And then “Shut Up.” And then “My Humps.” And that song no one liked but was on those damn Best Buy commercials where they jacked the theme from Pulp Fiction.
Anyway, the Peas existed for Top 40 radio. (They still receive NO LOVE by mix show DJ’s, mixtape DJ’s, most urban radio stations, most hip hop mags, etc.) As long as I could ignore them, I didn’t care about the fact that their lyrics sounded as though they were written by Young MC after being thrown down a flight of stairs and beaten with burning hammers. Nor did I have to endure their trite “conscious” side or their “positive and fun” (read: gimmicky) production and hooks.
But Have Fergie and Stifler’s Mom Ever Been Seen in the Same Place at the Same Time? 
And then suddenly, some record label exec had an epiphany; “Why don’t we get that rasta-looking guy from that group with the white girl who just made us $50 million to produce all of these other rappers on our roster?” Thus began my single-handed desire to see will.i.am (aka K-os in poverty) be gone. The problem with Will producing other artists is that he’s only good at one thing: making simple, shiny, catchy beats and hooks for a white girl who pees herself. Forget that, he’s REALLY good at that kind of music. (That Sergio Mendes album he did for Starbucks isn’t that bad either).
But once he gets into the studio with The Game or Common or or Nas, he’s exposed as a gimmicky b-boy whose style is straight Silly Putty. You want some lifeless, fake Dilla/?uestlove ambient noodling? Listen to the will.i.am joint on Common’s new album (I literally can’t remember the name of the song) if you REALLY want to hear “Stakes is High” replayed on a Rhodes and then really, really sucking ass, listen to that song on The Game’s last album. And the joint he did on Justin Timberlake’s album sounded like what happens when Pharrell gets less than $50,000 for a track. And let’s not even talk about “I Love My Bitch.”
When I hear songs like “Hip Hop is Dead” or “Fergalicious,” it’s like listening to the hip hop version of the king of ADD comedy, Dane Cook. While Cook packs jokes while telling jokes about a joke that started with two jokes and ending in a pile of jokes. Will.i.am (aka Whoopi’s forgotten son) jam-packs these songs with 342 breaks, interludes, bridges, hooks, pauses, live drums, sampled drums, Spanish innuendos, chopped and screwed vocals, etc. In the end, you can’t remember anything but the hook. Instead of the above mentioned artists going to the real source for actual hip hop-inspired hip hop (i.e. Pete Rock, Diamond D, DJ Scratch, Premier), Will.i.am gets the nod because he wears velvet jackets and riding boots and sells 56 million ringtones.So Will…The Way I See It…If Adding One Cracker to the Group Doubled Your Sales, Adding A Second Cracker Will Quadruple Them. I Mean, C’mon, I Can’t Be Worse Than Apl De. Ap. Can I?
Yeah, He may be an ill breakdancer and he may have been signed by Eazy-E back in the 90s, but will.i.am makes Diet Coke Rap Beats. And don’t even get me started on the movie Be Cool. There’s a truly cringe-worthy scene where John Travolta and Uma Thurman revise their famous dancing scene from Pulp Fiction to the sounds of…”Sexy” by Black Eyed Peas.
Peep will.i.am’s verse Mind you, these rhymes were written by a 30+ year old man whose been signed since the early 90s. Whose name wasn’t Cam’ron. Or R. Kelly. Or K7.
Behold:
“You take me to ecstasy
Without takin' ecstasy
It’s exactly like ecstasy
When you layin right next to me
I'm sexin' you, sexin' you
You sexin' me, sexin' me
It's feels so damn natural
But we doin' so naturally
I'm liking yourubbin' me
And you liking me rubbin' you”
To quote Shawn Carter, what more can I say?Download: (Because It’s Okay, Everyone Kinda’ Liked That First Album)
MP3: Black Eyed Peas-”Joints and Jams”
MP3: Black Eyed Peas-”Que Dices?”
Posted in The Beat Generation | 8 Comments »
August 12th, 2007
Zilla Rocca, 1/2 of Clean Guns, and Beat Garden fitness consigliere, has returned to drop some more knowledge on the people. Neither of us are actually sure if knowledge can actually be dropped, nor are we certain whether it hurts when said knowledge is dropped upon you. Probably not.
So was there like some sort of memo that got passed around that I didn’t see, because honestly, I’ve now become convinced that all white girls aged 22-25 drink exclusively Miller Lite. Of course, these are the exact same chicks that in college, hated on the taste of beer because it was “like so gross.” The same girls that subsisted on a diet of Malibu and Swedish Fish (with the occasional margarita tossed in the mix).
I see you, Kaitlyn, Brianne and Madison, with your bottles of Miller in your hands. That or a Coors Light. You won’t catch me with a can of that girly, watered down shit. And just because females now think it’s okay to knock back bottles of that cold piss water, don’t think you’ll escape my wrath if you’re a male and drinking that shit in front of me. To quote Meth: “Ya’ll been warned.”
Another group of people who need to be warned: Wedding DJ’s. I went to a wedding last weekend and the DJ (let’s call him Dancin’ Ralph) found it perfectly acceptable to get out in the middle of the dance floor, mic in hand, dancing and slapping his own ass while mouthing the lyrics to “It’s Raining Men.” Sorry, dude, last time, I checked this was a matrimonial ceremony not “Men on Film.”
Slapping Your Ass While Singing “Raining Men?” Hated It
To add insult to injury, the DJ broke the cardinal rule of wedding DJ’s, by not playing a single slow song throughout the entire reception. C’mon man, everyone knows that slow songs are the Trojan Horse of wedding receptions. Throw on some Celine Dion or Vanessa Williams for three minutes, cue up “It Takes Two,” and BAM, instant freak-fest. But not Dancin’ Ralph. He wanted to change the game like Hova or MJ. No “Wind Beneath My Wings,” no “Love is,” not even a mothafuckin’ Boyz II Men cut. I felt bad for all the drunken bachelors looking to close the deal with the single and depressed bridesmaids, stuck doing the Soul Train for four fucking hours. You are dead to me, Dancin’ Ralph.
Speaking of dead, I’ve also been wondering how it’s possible that Blockbuster isn’t. I just got NetFlix and it’s pretty much killed all chance of me ever going to a Blockbuster again. Then again, I have no sympathy for them. They killed every independent video store in Philly by carrying 9,084 copies of every movie and if you called ahead, they’d even hold that copy of “Major League 2″ on VHS for an hour. Hell, they even sold CD’s for a while. I remember copping “Illadelph Halflife” there, while this kid, John, I used to play ball with stole Rage and Cypress Hill CD’s. He later got locked up for rape. Seriously.
The last time I was in Blockbuster, it was pretty depressing. All the remaining stores left in South Philly cut themselves in half and rented out the other half to laundromats or wig suppliers. They start selling overstocked used DVD’s for $7, with naturally 50 copies of “2 Fast 2 Furious” for every one of “I Heart Huckabees.” Whatever, Blockbuster, that’s what you get for trying to make me sign up for for your “online store” every time I walk in the door, or your rewards program, or trying to push jumbo-sized bags of M&M’s on me like a used car salesmen. Until next time, RIP Blockbuster. God bless Netflix. And burn in Hell, dancing Ralph.
Download:
MP3: Clean Guns-”We Just Run Things” (left-click)
MP3: Clean Guns-”Hold Your Glass High (Wdhq Remix) (left-click)
Posted in The Beat Generation | 3 Comments »
July 29th, 2007
Chances are if you’re reading this you probably already know, Zilla Rocca, 1/2 of Philadelphia rap duo Clean Guns, and one of the founders of Beat Garden Entertainment. I’ve posted about them once, or twice, or thrice in the past year, and though I’m probably biased, I sincerely believe these guys to be the most exciting new rap collective to emerge from the underground since Def Jux and Rhymesayers bubbled up a half dozen years ago. With the major labels in a perpetual state of panic, I was curious to hear Zilla’s thoughts and experiences in getting a label off the ground at a time when the music industry seems more tenuous than ever.
Running a label is like being the general manager of a basketball team. You’re always looking for a balanced squad: someone to bring the ball up the court, cats to clear the boards, shooters to hit open three’s, etc. But then there’s always the question of team chemistry. We’ve had to let some people go due to toxic personalities and lack of contributions. Things always move faster once you drop dead weight. With everyone on board, you can move forward and focus on marketing and promotion, figuring out which venues to establish contacts with, which big purchases you should get next (i.e. CD/DVD burner) and who to take shit from and who to tell to go fuck themselves.
Most importantly, you need to constantly work on the music. I don’t mean that in the Lil’ Wayne/2Pac, doing 23 songs a day way. But there always needs to be a project for your crew to get on. That way MC’s stay sharp and producers stay hungry. That’s what made the Wu great—RZA cut whole verses from cats because they weren’t as good as someone else’s bars. What hip hop needs is quality control. I hear at least 20-30 new hip hop songs a week. I end up re-listening to less than half .
In Philly, EVERYONE has a mixtape, a DVD, a company, a “movement,” etc. This causes everyone in town to hate each other off the bat because a) they assume the next man is garbage (most of the time they’re right) and b) that next artist is taking up their spot. What separates us from the pack is that we try to be cool with everybody. We maintain positive relationships with people we collaborate with, as well as with people from out of state who have only seen our stuff online.
Do Not Believe the Rumors: Vanilla Ice Has Not Signed to Beat Garden
Of course, there’s daily nonsense to deal with. Paramount above all is the fact that Clean Guns is comprised of two white guys. It’s amazing that this is still a “weakness” for MC’s in 2007. I honestly never think about it. But the rest of the world must think that white dudes are still Vanilla Ice-ing it because people are SHOCKED when they hears us for the first time and our racial identities are revealed. We just did a show at Liquid Charm in Philly where the crowd was overwhelmingly African-American and hadn’t heard us before. The moment we set foot on-stage, people ice-grilled me, knowing that we’d waste their time, hoping we’d be corny. Halfway through “Watch How it Go Down,” the crowd was in our hands. By the end of the four song, 10-minute set, (“Econo-rap” says Sean Price), damn near everybody in Liquid Charm rushed up to us with pounds, business cards, flyers and CDs, saying “Yo that was CRAZY! Oh my god, let me get some music. Here’s my info, where y’all playing next?!!?” I felt like Hendrix at Woodstock. Except I was wearing a “crack is wack” shirt. We put out our debut record last August and only now have heads in Philly really started to open up to us, asking us to do shows and get on tracks. We rehearse before every show. We constantly write new songs. We try to maintain a presence online as well as venues and clubs and shows. Songs from our album are getting spins on college radio. And the company meets every month to go over whatever’s clever to make sure we’re all focused on the common good. It’s a full-scale operation that never stops.If I’m not checking my email, the MySpace accounts, all the hip hop blogs plus the forums on 215hiphop.com, I feel lazy. I need to know what’s going on from a business standpoint, but also because I’m still a big fan.
From now on, the fifth element of hip hop will be the computer. Not the internet, but the computer. Cats make beats on computers—shit, I do exclusively. Cats write rhymes on computers—Nico does exclusively! Cats design their little mixtape covers on Microsoft Paint and print them out on their HP inkjets (really, no excuse for this but I see it all
