June 19th, 2009
Photos by Jeff Cowan
Los Angeles doesn’t really do civic pride. We’re too aloof and jaded for that sort of thing. We’re a secular, sunglasses indoors, windows up, bowling alone type of town (except that when we bowl, it’s usually at some swanky alley with a Jerry’s attached that lets you order duck at four a.m.). People love the Dodgers, but you can count on one hand the number of playoff games they’ve won in the last 20 years. We don’t have a pro football team, and for all the fervor inspired by USC football, it’s a private institution that charges 40K a year for the privilege of rubbing shoulders with the sons and daughters of people named Chip. The Lakers are the nexus that binds us. The Lakers are ours.
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June 4th, 2009
Done in collaboration with Trey Kerby, the world’s most esteemed Brad Miller impersonator, this guide to the NBA finals should be used exclusively for gambling purposes. The information in question was given to us by an old man in a DeLorean. He brandished an obscure sports almanac, and spoke in dactylic hexameter about his hatred for Calvin Klein, manure, and light beer.
Rafer Alston Vs. Derek Fisher
Rafer Alston (Kerby): Alston was once on the cover of SLAM magazine, making him the worst player to grace their cover. Impressive considering Chamique Holdsclaw and Todd MacCullough have also appeared in that same spot. However, it is notable that Rafer Alston slaps kufis.
Weiss: In anticipation of Fisher’s lacksidasical defense, Alston plans to substitute former And 1 teammate, The Professor, just to see if he can score in an NBA game.
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