April 25th, 2008
Scott Towler once received six weeks in jail for kicking Tucker Carlson in the groin. Politics as usual.
Hillary won Pennsylvania! Did you hear? Do you care? Yeah, me neither. But with all the recent hub-bub about who’ll be our next president, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore. What’s next for this great nation? Personally, I think it’s time to think outside the box. Get a new face in the political realm. Hire someone with half a brain, instead of just a quarter. But there’s a lot more to think about than just that: where the world will be in 10, 15, 25 years; what will become of America’s youth; who will win the space race; just how long will this steroid problem go on; and finally, just how old should our president be?
OK, granted, he isn’t American, which completely rules him out of ever being president. And you’re right, he’s older than the universe itself. Some even contend that it was his cosmic dust that made the planets. Richards will tell you otherwise. But as I started to think about who I wanted to run this mucky-muck of a crap factory, it became very obvious: someone who’s invincible. Kieth Richards can’t die. He’s tried. He’s also outlived his mother and his father at this point, who, rest their souls, never touched any needle drugs or peyote. Still not convinced, eh? How bout the fact that he was alive during the Revolutionary War? He practically begged the colonies to succeed. He’s the father of this country for Christ sakes!
OK, I flipped out back there. Perhaps someone that old isn’t competent enough to run the country. Perhaps adult sized diapers should never set foot into the oval office (I’ll spare you the incontinent Cheney-with-a-shotgun jokes). But there is something to be said for a person who can affect the minds of millions of Americans. And what better way to build better citizens of tomorrow than starting them off at an early age. That’s why The Wiggles seemed like a natural choice. I firmly believe that the two best forms of birth control are A) flying on a plane with a baby, and B) going to the grocery store. Have you ever seen how unhappy those parents are? And just how mad does it make you when the kid starts screaming and the parents do nothing about it? Well, somehow, The Wiggles have written songs that put children in a trance, causing them to shut the fuck up, do their homework, and eat their vegetables. If that’s not role model behavior, I don’t know what is.
Of course, the only issue with The Wiggles is that they could create a people’s army of children. Nobody wants that. Plus, there’s four Wiggles, but room for only one president. Socialism just isn’t ready for this country. Because of that, I think it’s important we elect someone both powerful and important. Kind of like Barry Bonds. Think about it…Bonds is guilty as sin, right? But he’s the only one who has yet to face charges for blatantly breaking the rules and ruining baseball. Call him the O.J. of non-violent crime, cause he’s got the system figured out. My only issue stems from the fact that he could one day go on a roid rage, killing everyone in his path. Our country needs someone more balanced than that. Or smaller! A miniture Barry Bonds would ensure that we were taken seriously while preventing us from ever going off the handle. Plus you could put him in your carry-on bag.
The only other potential issue that will arise in the coming decades is how we’ll conquer space. While the space race of the 60s left much to be desired, the race of tomorrow will end with the colonization of Mars, the continual search for alternative fuels and the eventual discovery of life beyond ours. Who better to pioneer this front than Meteor Man? In an effort to gain a legitimate nomination, most of his friends already call him the ‘Barack Obama of space.’ Personally, I think the ‘Lewis and Clark’ of space might be more appropriate, or perhaps the ‘black-manifest-destiny-2010,’ but either way, he’s hot on the heels of the competition (that being Richard Branson and Laika (the first dog in space)). With the growing importance of preserving our planet, and the fact that we all already know hope is lost, this issue will percolate to the top of the political scene before any of us stop voting.
So as the election draws nearer, take some time and really think about who you’d want running this country. Whether it be a white woman, a black man, or an old person, one thing is clear: it won’t be a robot. Scott Towler, live from Washington D.C. reporting.
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April 13th, 2008
Like Beavis & Butthead, Scott Towler enjoys using the word, erection.
Whatever happened to Beavis and Butthead? It’s not like Mike Judge went anywhere. If anything, he’s only become more prolific in the past 10 years since the show has gone off the air. He penned Idiocracy and Office Space. King of the Hill is still on the air, 228 episodes and counting! Is anyone else as shocked by this as I am? He’s even got a new animated series in pre-production, entitled, The Goode Family, which promises to be another precious gem in his already jewel encrusted crown. But with all this success, with all these projects being so well received, it’s time for MTV should consider resurrecting the already iconic 90s program.
America is a Bunghole
With all the press that celebutards get these days, there’s more than enough fodder for writers to work with. After all, half the series was spent sitting on the couch, watching the absurdity that was pop culture. Sure, most of that was music videos, and yes, I agree that music videos aren’t what they were 10 years ago, but there’s still plenty to work with. Between R. Kelly sitting in a hotel room singing “Real Talk” to all of the carefully orchestrated videos of Gondry, Cunningham, and Jonze, Beavis would have a field day. Not to mention the fact that humor (epsecially on television these days) is more basic than ever. Fart, piss and sex jokes have never gone further in our culture, and it’s hyperbolic examples like Idiocracy that remind us why things are the way they are.
Huh huh, we’re gonna score
Drawing a ton of influence from Heavy Metal, Beavis and Butthead were always surrounded by amply busted women, none of which would give them the time of day. This was always a soft spot for me, as I’m sure it was for most men (whether we’ll admit it or not), as our thoughts always seem to gravitate towards beautiful naked women. This was perhaps the most identifiable that Beavis and Butthead became in the series, as their quest for ‘curly’s gold,’ if you will, was always met with frustration and hardship. They never get the girl. Neither do I. And I’d wager dollars to donuts, most men don’t. We always want what we can’t have. In many ways, that’s what the American dream is all about: stuff and boobs.
They’ve already made a feature!
In many cases with animated shows, a feature is a way for a studio or network to say, you’ve had a good run, thanks for the memories. Beavis and Butthead was no exception, with their feature being more widely seen than their show ever was. Mike Judge knew that, and manipulated viewing audiences quite well by throwing ‘America’ in the title. But think about that potential in post-9/11 USA. America sells baby. And it’s marketability has only increased with time. Aside from it’s fiscal potential however, it’s interesting to note that Beavis and Butthead never really hit it’s mark. Sure it was hysterical at times, and more funny than not, but the show seemed to capsize before it really got its message across. That message, you wonder? To hold the mirror to society, to remind us that we’re losing our grasp on youth today. Some of you may agree or disagree, but kids today seem to need a swift kick in the head, much like Principal McVicker would do to Beavis and Butthead on a daily basis.
So I plead with you MTV, bring back the show that so many of us guided our lives by! Remind America what’s wrong with itself! Help Stuart find a new favorite band besides Winger!
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March 18th, 2008
He’s Scott Towler and you’re not.
My parents still tell me tales of when “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not,” was was practically the national anthem during SNL’s first few years on the air. How there was nothing like it that had ever been broadcast before, and how NBC took a major gamble that turned into a feather in the peacock’s crown (or mane, I guess) for over 30 years . Bred from the world of live and improvised comedy (hence the L in SNL), people like Gilda Radner, John Belushi, Jane Curtain and Dan Akroyd made it look easy. And more often than not, they made it funny too.
It got to the point where kids were growing up watching the show, declaring that SNL was their dream: acting, writing, and goofing off in front of a national audience, which then catapulted you into an even more successful film career. Of all the people I know in comedy today, at least half of them cite SNL as their reason for working in entertainment. The other half of ‘em? Not hard to guess: 2 And A Half Men. I kid.
Maybe They Need Better Weed?
So then what the funk happened? Well, Seth Meyers for one. As head writer, he’s successfully turned this would-be anthem of our youth into two things: an opening political sketch that’s both long and boring, and a Weekend Update sketch that repeatedly runs about 5 minutes too long. I can’t totally knock Weekend Update, After all, it’s the longest running sketch since the shows inception and it’s easy to see why. News ain’t goin’ anywhere, and it’s never competed for ratings. Brian Williams replaced Tom Brokaw, and someone will invariably replace him someday. If we’re lucky, it’ll be Seth Meyers! Then we can get weekend update 5 nights a week!
Bugs Bunny Dressed As a Girl Did Not Make the Top 10 Despite Garth’s Urgings
I’ve also grown tired of the talk-show format sketch which has not only run it’s course, but was perfected in the mid 90s by what I consider to be the best and most well-rounded cast in the show’s history. I won’t run down the entire group cause you know who I’m referring to. The other Meyers. The first Meyers. The only Meyers. From Linda Richmond to Wayne Campbell to Sprockets, like DJ Khaled he was the best.
As if that wasn’t enough, Dana Carvey played yin to his yang as Garth Algar and the Church lady, a role that was also prime for a feature length film. Apparently it wasn’t meant to be, but even the lesser talk shows of yesteryear had a life outside of SNL. The Ladies Man, for example, was never really that good, (ed. note: yes it was) but it was still better than anything they’re doing today. Hell, it least it was notable enough to get a feature made. What sketch today can say the same? There hasn’t been an SNL franchised film since became the big gun in Hollywood.
Adam Sandler: He Used To Be Funny, Right?
Additionally, I’ve really had it up to here with all the digital shorts (who many people say are the only good thing SNL has left anymore). I get why they do them. They are, or can be occasionally, quite funny. But they aren’t LIVE. And to me, that’s what the show is about. Granted, the show has been running pre-recorded content for years, but in a much shorter, static-like structure. Commercials and quick PSA’s have a place, but to take 5-6 minutes from 62 minutes of content, and waste it on something filmed betrays the show and it’s roots. After all, did you see Farley and Sandler doing digital shorts? Hell no. But once the season wrapped, they cranked out some of the definitive frat-boy comedies of yesteryear.
Ultimately, I wish these rookies would take a cue from the days and follow their lead. If not, I have a feeling we’ve got many many more lackluster episodes on the way. When will they end? To me, it all depends on when Seth Meyers gets the boot. In the meantime, I don’t think musical guests like Vampire Weekend can save the show all by themselves, no matter how Columbia-educated they may be.
MP3: Ghostface Killah-”Saturday Nite”
MP3: Masta Ace-”Saturday Night Live”
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March 4th, 2008
It’s hard to avoid American Idol. It’s everywhere. On coke cans, at bus stops, tattooed on that hooker’s shoulder–everywhere. And after 6 & 1/2 years, it’s easy to see why this franchise ain’t goin’ nowhere: Simon. Pretty much whatever Simon says, goes. Whatever he decides on the show, that’s what they do. If he doesn’t want them winning in Hollywood, they lose. If he wants to sleep with the 18 year old Malaysian girl, he gets to. And people seem to eat it up (myself included). All Pharoahe Monch jokes aside, what Simon says, goes. Now, I’m not going to lie to you…a 26 year old male writing an article about Simon Cowell…the first thing I’d think was, ‘wow, what a homo,’ but it’s hard not to admire this guy. And here’s why…
He’s a Wanker!
I trust British people. I’m not sure why, but I do. Maybe it’s the guilt I feel for seceding from their once great imperialistic empire. (though many might assert that their empire really took off once America went their own way. After all, the Dutch really had the stranglehold on the East Indies market…India was mere child’s play in the grand scheme of things. ) But I digress, I assume that every Brit I come across is smarter than me. Maybe it’s the accent. In fact, it’s got to be because sometimes I consider some animals smarter than others according to the sounds they make. No joke. Just last week I had a head to head debate with a giant Galapagos tortoise. While his stance on lettuce was sound, his knowledge of pop culture was lacking.
Power is sexy…
Simon has a unique job in the sense that he gets to hire and fire people almost on a daily basis. It’s kinda like ‘The Apprentice’ but with less fake hair and more women creaming their jeans. This has made Simon into the Hobgoblin of decision making, and women love it. I just wish he had that green thing to float around on while he breaks the spirit of every Peter Parker of the world. Since he doesn’t, he can take pride in knowing that he gets to crush someones life long dream with one simple word: No. And now that Castro is out of power, who do women have to look to to fill their power-driven sexual urges? Bush? Cheney? Randy Jackson?! There is virtually no one that commands as large a viewing audience, and considering Idol got a higher voter turn out than our recent primary election (for PRESIDENT, people), it’s scary to think what may come next. I’m just going to throw this out there: nuke the whales.
…but cash is sexier
Forget the fans. Forget the power. Forget that he knows the business end of pop music better than almost anyone ever. Let’s talk scratch. In 2006 Cowell inked a deal to net him about 40 million a year for 5 more seasons to come. Naked women. Then he signed a syndication contract for his other shows to be licensed out. Wet naked women. Couple that with all the cash he had from his previous ventures in music, and you’ve got one of the richest men in entertainment today. Piles of naked women. Nothing short of Oprah herself can rival Simon anymore, a fact that he’s both very aware of and very proud of. And I think that’s what creates half his persona. “Yeah, I’m better than you. And I can pay you to agree with me. Or I can pay you to fuck off, I really don’t care cause you’re so insignificant.” Maybe I can explain this a bit more simply: his own annual net earnings are comparable to the GDP of all the Central American countries combined, save for Mexico*. Think about it. Now don’t.
In any event, it quickly becomes clear that Simon Cowell is a part of popular culture for thousands of years to come. And while this may be a fact that many of you hate, he’s gotten there for a reason. Any you can too! Just get British and rich, and then learn a lot about the music group, “Take That.’”Already British? Challenge yourself- become un-British, then re-British up, ya wanker! In Simon we trust.
MP3: Yo La Tengo-”We’re An American Band”
MP3: The New Pornographers-”The Bones of an Idol”
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February 17th, 2008
The strike is over. So now what the hell do we do now? So many of us have been out of work, out of money, and tired of giving a shit about this strike. It seems odd that we’ll soon be immersed knee-deep in shows, pilots, movies and awards telecasts. But will Hollywood return to its second golden age, or will we once more be underwhelmed by the massive flood of content that hardly seemed worth striking for to begin with? Well, no one can really say yet, but here’s a few tips to make sure you don’t waste your time once scripted television returns.
Avoid any new show on ABC at all costs. While I used to work for them, I have a hard time justifying anything they’ve made in the past few years, save for their Grateful-Dead-themed nuclear family sitcom “Sons and Daughters.” But that show, like so many others, was pulled well before it had a chance to truly find it’s way. I’m convinced to this day it was so they could rush “Eli Stone” into production. And oh, thank god they did. George Michael and another “John From Cincinnati” plot line? How original! They desperately needed to take a cue from HBO and realize that if the show didn’t work there (on a network that’s no holds barred), it’s not going to work on a dippy family-safe network.
Give NBC a second chance. Sure the days of “Friends,” “Seinfeld,” and “Frasier” are over, but that doesn’t mean they’ll never produce anything worthwhile ever again. I have a funny feeling that even though this network slipped into 4th place over the past 4 years (coincidentally the exact amount of time that I’ve worked in entertainment), it’s due for a major rebound. And what so many people forget is that this network has always been the home for comedy. Remember Must See TV? That’s NBC. And remember “The Cosby Show,” “Cheers,” and “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?” They were all on NBC. Clearly they’ve made a few missteps in the past few years, but to this day they still have the strongest comedies on TV, especially when you consider that the alphabet calls “Ugly Betty” and “Desperate Housewives” sitcoms. “Housewives,” by the way, opened with the lead character taking her own life, then becoming the narrator of the show. Maybe it’s just me, but suicide isn’t funny. It’s easy, but it isn’t funny. And yes, that was a “M*A*S*H” joke.
Now that “The Wire” is coming to an end after 7 fantastic seasons, strap yourself in for HBO’s new mini-series “John Adams.” Paul Giamatti will be taking the title role, a perfect fit for him after his mind-blowing performance in “Shoot ‘Em Up,” or what I like to call “the worst movie ever ever made.” Laura Linney has been cast as his wife and she never disappoints. Her work in “The Truman Show” still haunts me to this day. Beyond that, with the tremendous success of their other minis like “Rome,” it becomes easy to justify watching HBO. They spare no expense, and the proof has been consistently in the pudding. Plus, with no more “Sopranos” or ” The Wire” left to watch, this justifies keeping that pricey subscription.
Otherwise, make sure never to watch CBS, don’t vote for the next “American Idol” (as I’m 50% sure they’ll have the contest again next year), and for the love of god- get Seth Meyers out of the “Saturday Night Live” head writer position.
Welcome back, madame Television.
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January 23rd, 2008
By the time you read this, Scott Towler will be best friends with not one but two Corey’s. How many Corey’s are you friends with?
Reality sucks. This was my mantra, the one that I’d led my career by. I was wrong. Reality is king because there isn’t any scripted programming left. Well, at least admittedly scripted. So a decade after Survivor 1, as reality continues to crush the competition, I thought I’d profile a few of my favorites. And for the record, I wanted a Reality Bites poster for the top of this piece (ha, I said piece), but it came off as too emotional, so I thought, “What’s the opposite of emotional?” Clearly, the opposite of emotional is porn.
Are You Not Entertained?
Reality loves the contest format. Pair two people, reveal their inner most issues, then make them share a room and eat a snake for cash! CBS executives thought they’d turned water into wine after they created this winning formula. But much unlike the drivel they churn out weekly on The Amazing Racist and Survivorthis!, American Gladiators kicks ass. Sure Hulk Hogan has varicose veins popping out of every place he ever ‘roided, and sure 2/3 of the actual gladiators are wearing less then when I’m in the nude, and OK fine- one of the male gladiators is a former gay porn star- but isn’t that what makes reality great? No. No, most certainly not. Tune in though for hard hitting, ass kicking competition where men get to remember on a weekly basis that women are irrefutably the weaker sex.
Read the rest of this entry »
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November 19th, 2007
Scott Towler is striking because even Jesus got residuals from the Bible.
Nobody outside of entertainment really cares about the writer’s strike in Hollywood. But they should. What happens here in Tinseltown directly affects the social fabric of our society today. Oh sure, you can try and deny it, but it’s 100% true. Much of this country’s pathetic identity comes from California’s top export: entertainment. And it doesn’t just stop at our borders. Today, more than ever, movies are being released all over the world. Television is syndicated and broadcast in over 100 different countries. London boasts a theatre row that rivals anything Broadway has ever done. And it just keeps growing. Look at this site for example, with Weiss dissecting artists from all over the globe, many of which I would have never even lent an ear to until I had read about it here. It’s an amazing global marketplace, and it’s all driven by entertainment. That well is about to dry up however, and I’m not sure anybody is ready for the fallout.
Many of you have probably noticed already: where’s the Colbert Report? The Daily Show? And what of Letterman, Leno, Conan, and Ellen!? Within the upcoming weeks, sit-coms will go the same route. By February, all new scripted programming will virtually cease to exist. And should this strike last until the spring or summer as many are speculating? Look for a thin movie going season as well, as studios trying to stretch out their releases to bridge the gap. Literally everything in motion pictures will come to a screeching halt.
Revenge of the Nerds
But who really cares about TV right? I mean, between sports and reality shows, we’ll get by, won’t we? Sure we will. And movies? That’s fine…I’ll just use my netflix more, right? Well, for most of us, these are fine alternatives. Heck, it may even encourage kids to go outside and get some exercise. Heaven forbid that ever happens again. Kids these days…I tell ya. Oops, I slipped into old man mode there. The point I’m trying to make is that in general, and I think people tend to forget this, there are a shit ton of people who watch TV. And not just prime time or sports, but everything. From the infomercial to the Soap Opera. From Discovery Channel to E! News. Television didn’t ask to grow as large as it has, but it’s happened, and there’s no turning back now. And the only reason it’s grown so much is because so many damn people watch it.
And while this strike may be good to weed out poor programming, think about how many people lose their jobs, their homes, and their lives because of it. Let’s take my Alma mater, Scrubs, for example. Now, there were something like 13 writers on Scrubs this season. They went on strike. Because they aren’t writing new stuff, new shows aren’t getting filmed, and thus, no crew is needed to make an episode if one isn’t written to begin with. It’s simple business really. Why keep a store open if you have no product to sell? Interpreted through entertainment, that means every single department loses their job: hair, make up, grips, audio, electric, security, craft service, caterers, PA’s, production staff, producers, editors, and yes, finally, the actors. Little old Zach Braff is out of work! Maybe he can do something about that hair, now that he’s free of distraction.
How Dare They Put a Face This Nebbishy Out of Work
Now translate those same lay offs to every single scripted show you know of. It quickly adds up to a lot of people. And then the studios start laying off their development teams because they have no new material to develop, the agencies start laying off agents cause they have no one to represent, and little kids start waking up with the dream of doing something creative cause this trade is in such disarray. OK, a little extreme, I’ll admit, but you get the point.
I’d deliberated a lot about writing this article. Obviously it was a subject I had to broach, but I was hesitant because of how real this thing is; how seriously it’s affected my life directly. I don’t want to sound like a crackpot, but mouthing off too much could someday indirectly affect my chances at joining the guild, or making it as a writer. And again, that’s all conspiracy theory at its best, but the mind does wander. Once it was all said and done though, I realized I had to speak about it. After all, I’m in the throes of this thing here. It’s my duty to tell every one of you exactly what it’s like. Not some filtered news-source version of Timmy lost his dog, but Timmy actually standing up and saying, “I lost my dog.”
Well, I did lose my dog, but that’s another story. And it’s Scott actually, not Timmy, but thanks for the intro. This strike sucks. It laid me off in the middle of the holidays, and it couldn’t have crippled me more. And it’s not really the money that I care about. I can make money. We all can. But knowing that I was on the brink of my first (and possibly only) break into sit-com writing literally days before this began, I can’t help but think that the last year I spent on my creative endeavors has gone to waste. I know that it’s not as simple or extreme as that, but you never know. That could have been my one shot, and it could have slipped through the cracks due to circumstances beyond my control. And what can I do about that save for look up at the sky, shake my fist at a cloud, and wonder if I was born 6 months later, would things have worked out differently?
It Works On So Many Levels
I guess I just feel like a lot of people see this solely as the studios trying to screw the writers or vice versa. It’s easy to forget there’s a ton of people in the middle who can only stand there with a picket sign that reads “FUCK BOTH SIDES, I’M OUTTA WORK!”
Download:
MP3: Serge Gainsbourg-”Strike”
MP3: Destroyer-”Strike”
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October 31st, 2007
Scott Towler is all about reminiscing about back in the day. Like Ahmad. Except without the Gazelles or the BK’s.
Remember the days of John Madden and Al Michaels hosting Monday Night Football? Remember how nice it was to hear the iconic voice of John Madden, perfectly complimented by Al “I do what John says” Michaels? It was nice, wasn’t it?
What happened?
In this day and age, between CBS’ piss poor coverage of everything EVER, and shows like NFL Today, Nascar Weekly, and over-eating competitions, the world of organized sports has gone fucking haywire. Worse yet, every network seems to think they need someone with a unique voice and opinion to work with said sporting event. Last time I checked , broadcasters were supposed to be unbiased, neutral, in the gray area- whatever you want to call it. But that just simply doesn’t exist anymore.
Indeed, the Network heads will hire any idiot to broadcast, from Jeanie “I’ve never taken off my heels” Zelasko broadcasting the World Series to Michele ‘I read what they tell me to’ Tafoya. They push recently retired athletes on to the air far too quickly after their careers end. They push, and they push, and they push…and finally, they hit the breaking point, best personified by these three men: arguably the worst broadcasters in basketball, baseball, and football today.
Basketball
Blow-my-brains-out, do I hate Steven A. Smith. This guy has had a stick up his ass since day one, and I think it has something to do with the fact that he thinks he looks like Kobe Bryant. But this over-opinionated idiot has been polluting my ears with completely biased basketball coverage for years. I could have handled it had Smith merely stayed a Sportscenter correspondent, but then they had to give him that show, “Quite Frankly…with Steven A. Smith.” Maybe it’s just me, but quite frankly ESPN, I’d hire a drunken penguin instead. At least the penguin can entertain us all with his delightful waddling. Or did you not see March of the Penguins?
Baseball
As if the World Series wasn’t bad enough this year with it’s lame match-up and incessant Dane Cook “There’s only one OCTOBER!” commercials, they decided to bring back a Fox sports favorite, Tim McCarver. I’m a true baseball fan. I’ve collected cards since I could walk, played for 14 years, and I watch any and every game I can. But it stems back from my childhood up in Atlanta, GA. It was 1991, the first year the Braves began their epic 90s run of disappointments. It was game 7 of the NLCS, Pirates vs. Braves, and for the entire season, Tim Mccarver had been boasting about how great the Pirates were. “Look out for the Pirates.” To this day, I’m pretty sure he meant ‘look out for Pirates (in general),” but even still…the Braves went on to win that game on a bottom 9th single by a Francisco Cabrera. The Braves advanced, and Tim Mccarver looked like an idiot for backing a team (again, being completely UNBIASED), and then watching them lose. That was 16 years ago. Somehow, that old fuck is still broadcasting today, and it’s only gotten worse with time.
Flash forward to this post season. Ever the AL fanatic (even though his entire career was spent in the NL), Tim McCarver never even gave the Rockies any chance at all. Instead of saying, “wow the Rockies really did it there,” he’s say something like, “well, the Red Sox blew it which allowed the Rockies to score.” Yeah yeah yeah, quit siding with what’s popular and just broadcast the fucking game. It’s not like I’ll change what team I’m a fan of because some old fart said that Ortiz was perfect in 7 games this season at first base. Give it a rest.
Football
Easily the worst broadcaster to ever live…ever…Tony Kornheiser has become the top hit on my ‘people I’d like to see eaten by bears’ list. This guy is so obnoxious that he makes me not want to watch Monday Night Football. And that’s unheard of. Monday Night Football is an American institution. It’s been around for years, featuring the likes of John Madden, Dennis Miller, and Jesus. Now, however, it’s become the bane of my existence.
Sometimes, I find myself tuning in just to see how much rage I can spew towards this completely fucking obnoxious and arrogant announcer. He thinks everything he says is right. Even if it’s opinion. He often clashes with Mike Tirico, whose sole purpose is to move the broadcast along! Mike isn’t there to run his mouth, he’s there to call the plays. The commentary is for the commentators…and Ron Jaworski is the only one with half a brain as far as I can tell.
Worse yet, this dipshit Kornhieser gets to leave the booth before the half so they can do his daily show (gasp), Pardon the Interruption, at halftime! So just in case you had the gun in your mouth, but had second thoughts…that should put the final nail in the coffin. He’s loud, offensive, brash, and everything you wouldn’t want in an announcer. Harold Reynolds slaps a girl’s ass and he gets fired, but Tony Kornhieser, who is universally loathed, gets 2 shows, millions of viewers, and an inflated sense of self worth. It’s enough to make you want to pack your bags, move to Europe and start watching soccer. Okay, maybe that’s a bit drastic.
Download:
MP3: The Decemberists-”The Sporting Life”
Posted in Great Scott | 10 Comments »
October 23rd, 2007
Scott Towler is a terminator like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Though you can’t play him out as if his name was Sega.
Call it what you want, Interlude, Intermezzo, Entr’acte, but they all mean the same thing. Sort of. Looking back at history and trying to decide when music became a part of stage (and in later years screen) is a difficult thing to trace. For one, we don’t really honor history as much as we should with regard to the classics and the roots of performance art. Instead, we bastardize half lessons from our past into meaningless modern mediums, all of which are devoid of any true thought or homage to its derivation.
Unfortunately for us, that means that some of life’s most simple pleasures can get swept under the rug as we modernize the world. Plays get turned into movies, which get turned into TV shows, and now their latest incarnation, in the form of short viral webisodes and meaningless Youtube pablum. However, one medium hasn’t lost it’s flare: the interlude. If anything, it’s only gotten better with time. Kind of like peeps (you know, the things you get at Easter…at first they’re all squishy and gross, but then if you let them get really stale, they become these delicious hard candies. Plus you can explode them in a microwave…at least, that’s what the devil on my left shoulder said, and I trust that guy).
The interlude was never about the musician. It was simply a musical backdrop to bridge time between acts (in a play) or scenes (in a film). Many modern artists employ interludes on their albums as well, paying tribute to this. Andrew Bird, for example, has some of the most masterful interludes on his past 2 records of any artist that I’ve heard. Same with the UK’s The Divine Comedy. His last 2 albums have included a peppering of amazing interludinal work as well. And it’s clear when listening to these records that these interludes function just as they did thousands of years before in ancient Greece or Rome: breaking up the action (in this case, of the album), and keeping the audience salivating for more.
Met Her Up in Cafe Intermezzo For Some Late Night Pastry.
But how does it translate today? Clearly Andrew Bird isn’t going to produce an album of instrumentals. In fact, artists who delineate from their original course as musicians tend to flop when they take such chances. Look at the Beastie Boys most recent effort, The Mix Up. Sure, the record had merit, but it felt put on, as if they were just making something out of nothing, filling gaps in time instead of gaps in sound and action. It didn’t work for me. In Sound from the Way Out, now that’s a different story. But that’s like comparing apples to Mexicans…they’re too different to make any correlation between, yet are still inexplicably linked. Same with dollars and donuts. Go figure.
But with my love of montage in film (and no, not the closing scene from Crash), a series of scenes cut together against a musical backdrop (aka the interlude), I’ve always been searching for artists that create music specifically designed for those moments. They are few and far between, but one such label seems to be pioneering the genre. ESL records, or Eighteenth Street Lounge records is based out of Washington D.C. as was formed by the two members of Thievery Corporation, a group that has seen a tremendous upswing in popularity since Zach Braff’s employment of their song “Lebanese Blonde” in his movie Garden State. But that song (and scene aside), they offer a variety of artists that lend themselves to montage perfectly.
Many critics agree that much of Thievery Corporation’s catalogue of music blends together into one sound. Though I’m not sure if I agree with that entirely, I can see what they mean. Listening to The Mirror Conspiracy or The Richest Man in Babylon, I can hear the semblance. Many of their artists follow form in their own right, producing record after record of like minded music. Blue States, for example, and Federico Aubele (shown below), have produced two very similar sounding albums. Additionally, ESL has released a series of mixes, ranging from Thievery Corporation’s The Outernational Sound to the label’s own Jet Society and Modular Systems, that while mixing artists, tend to follow an overarching theme.
ESL: No Longer Merely For the Linguistically Deficient
And while it’s easy to call this modern lounge music, passively ingesting each track as if it were meant for the background, there’s a lot more to it. This label has taken the concept of the interlude, and stretched it into an entire realm of thinking. They’ve seamlessly blended instrumentation with digital effects and samples, while at the same time preserving a sound that doesn’t try to overtly catch your attention. And while that may not seem like much, often times in life the things that appear the most simple, or unnoticed, are often times the hardest to acheive. Think back to one of your favorite montages, or transitions in a film, and you’ll understand exactly what I mean. If nothing else, revel in the fact that an entire label - an entire collection of 100 plus unique releases - has dedicated itself to something that went virtually unnoticed until you paid it mind. It’s not quite Tennessee Williams’ blue piano, but it accomplishes the same thing.
Download:
MP3: Andrew Bird-”The Supine”
MP3: Thievery Corporation-”Outernationalist”
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September 26th, 2007
Great Scott is a column by Scott Towler, a war-hero/football star based in Los Angeles. If you don’t believe me, check out his blogger profile. The only thing more truthful than a blogger profile is Wikipedia.
In the wake of the success of Garden State and The O.C. Hollywood went compilation crazy. Hell, they even paid Jack Johnson actual money to do the urious George soundtrack, presumably because seven year olds are the only people who still like his music.
What gets me the most is the thought that the television of yesteryear, much like the music of yesteryear, had a purpose. You didn’t just score a scene because a Peter, Bjorn and John track fit nicely (much less because Universal music owns the show AND the band). And the best of the bunch was The Wonder Years
Jason Hervey: The Man, The Myth, The Mullet
The source music for The Wonder Years perfectly captures the era of its time, in a way that matched the show’s incredible resonance. With an unflinching eye, the series sketched the period when America was at war. Not just with Viet Nam, but also inwardly, trying to decipher exactly what defined a suddenly identity-less nation. The America of 2007 is beset with similar problems and crises that require immediate attention, but in my mind nothing has stepped up that musically captured our zeitgeist the way The Wonder Years did for the 60s.
Maybe it’s pointless to blame the shows. No, let’s blame the shows, and the fact that we keep on producing hour long dramas about idiots living their stupid lives in almost unbearable circumstances. Shows like the O.C.
The Times They Are A-Tanning
Take a scene from The O.C., a show that has released several mixtapes with music that had little to do with the story’s context.
Ryan: It’s just that, I never knew my father.
Seth: Well, my father is rich. I’m a nerd.
Ryan: Look, I can’t deal with your issues right now Seth.
Seth: Then get ready for the yacht club party.
Ryan: (pouty) Oh, I hate yacht club parties…they’re always so well decorated, and have more free food and booze than anyone can ever eat.
Seth: Yeah. Let’s waste it and then contribute money to Darfur.
Cue Rooney song.
This choice only makes sense if Rooney is a sailing term. As in, “Tie off the Rooney son, batten down the hatchet.”
Grey’s Anatomy is just as guilty.
The Only Show in History to Make Scrubs’ Portrayal of Doctor’s Seem Realistic
On Grey’s, there predictably seems to be a musical disconnect. You’d think they would use music to undercut scenes where someone gets sliced open or dies. Nope, it’s all for scenes where Sandra Oh cries over an ex, or Katharine Hiegl goes on a date in autumn. For instance:
Sandra Oh: So, my date last night was a bust.
Heigl: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Sandra: He called me ugly.
Heigl: Wow, that’s the 5th date this week that’s said that. Maybe you are ugly.
Sandra Oh: Good thing I work at a hospital.
Heigl: Oh, is that what we do?
Sandra Oh: Yeah, I had almost forgotten since it has nothing to do with the show.
Heigl: Hey, at least we’re not on ER…though ER is a better show.
Cue Psapp’s newest kick ass song that gets ruined because it’s raining on an urban street, and somebody doesn’t have a jacket. The only way to salvage this trend is for shows to publicly declare their triviality up-front and then the music will support it better.
Kids Like Gossip. Kids Like Girls. Kids like Josh Schwartz. It’s Genius!
Thus far, Gossip Girl does this well. Another of Josh Schwartz’s babies (I guess he had triplets), Gossip Girl does just what it says: creating high drama for upper east side urbanites. Their lives are meaningless, but the drama fits perfectly with what the show is trying to accomplish. There is no Ryan Atwood from Chino, the kid with a heart of gold who needs saving. There are no medical patients getting ignored so fake doctors can bring their personal drama into the ER. Instead, it’s just spoiled high school kids doing what they do best: partying, fighting, and fucking. Because of that, I can’t say there’s a better show out there right now in terms of music. Every song they use seems to fit the scene, no matter how tedious it may be.
Brother: Well, I tried to kill myself.
Cue Eliot Smith
Sister: Let’s get you some fresh air then.
Mother: No, he can’t go outside.
Sister: Why, are you hiding him to save face or something?
Mother: No…I err…umm
Cue Pixies
And so on and so forth. They’re not asking you to love them, nor are they trying to do something ridiculous with their lives. Instead, they exist in our time, completely disconnected from the rest of the world (as all shows are). But the difference is, they embrace it. They might not hold a candle to The Wonder Years, but aren’t all that far from Beverly Hills, 9021o. And that ain’t half bad.
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Scott Towler once received six weeks in jail for kicking Tucker Carlson in the groin. Politics as usual.
