February 15th, 2008
On Sunday Barack Obama completed his sweep of the most recent primaries with a devastating win in Maine. At the same time, 3,000 miles away across the country at Los Angeles’ Staples Center, Morris Day and the Time took the stage at this years Grammys for a blistering performance. This cannot be a coincidence. It occurred to me today the narrative of 2008s primary campaign is beginning to eerily resemble Purple Rain.
Barack Obama is like Prince, a somewhat racially ambiguous psychedelic composite of multiple different kinds of awesome; his prodigous showmanship and seemingly boundless natural ability could make him a legend, and yet he remains … an enigma. The club owners want him to play the type of music they think the people want to hear, but The Kid’s got other ideas.
Hilary Clinton is like Apollonia (D-NY), a glorified back-up singer desperate for the spotlight who doesn’t really care who she sings for; she just wants to get put on. “Put me on! Please! Put me on! I’ll do anything! What do I have to do?” Well, for starters, you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Wait! That ain’t Lake Minnetonka. Sorry, now we’ve lost all respect for you. Oh well.
Let’s Have Some Asses Wigglin’….I Wanna See Some Perfection!
John McCain is like Morris Day and America is like First Avenue. First Avenue is his club, he is the headliner and only he is gonna give the people what they neeeeeeeeed, baby. But he’s got to check himself in the mirror to make sure he looks good before he does it.
Morris Day (McCain) isn’t feeling The Kid’s (Obama’s) style and he will stop at nothing to defeat him. Both of their interests in Apollonia (Clinton) will fall by the wayside, until in the weeks leading up to Ohio and Texas, she reveals her all-girl-super group. Eventually there will be a big show at First Avenue where the people will decide who they love more.
The only question that remains is this: has Barack Obama reached the level of Purple Rain- era Prince, peaking at the perfect time to seize the moment? Or is he more like Prince’s eponymous second album: kicks ass, but he’s flying on a unicorn.
Time will tell if this revolution will make way for a new power generation. One thing is certain: In this life things are much harder than in the afterworld; in this life you’re on your own. But where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words – Let’s Go Crazy!
Download:
MP3: Prince (Obama)-”Let’s Go Crazy”
Posted in Disco Vietnam | 5 Comments »
January 17th, 2008
Welcome to yet another edition of Disco Vietnam’s The Pick-Up Artist, because if there is one thing the members of Disco Vietnam understand it’s women. Today’s lesson will be brought to you, once again, by Disco Vietnam affiliate and board-certified mack Dr. Chet Rockstone. Dr. Rockstone has slept with so many chicks his balls can hold their own presidential primary.
“Black man watch out, she salt-water trout
Al Deuce dug her back out, inside the dugout.
Heard the pussy was good, big niggaz fell victim
Mentally stripped em, one God turned Christian!
- Ghostface Killah, “Marvel”
Yo God, let me pour y’all the science about the womb
It’s a black hole for those who lose control
- RZA, “Marvel”
Full disclosure: I, Dr. Chet Rockstone, am a Giants fan to the death. Let’s Go G-men!!! I never miss a game; I’m on the waitlist for season tickets (35 more years!); I even fully endorse the use of the term “G-fense” in casual conversation. So I might be a little biased when I say I think our defense played their fucking asses off Sunday night baby! Even Eli Manning came through with a gutsy, gutsy performance, a performance made all the more impressive when you consider he’s only 6-years-old! What could you do when you were 6-years-old!? Huh?!
Still, burdened with the wisdom that comes with being Dr. Chet Rockstone, I can find little satisfaction in this victory. In spite of our seemingly great performance I can’t help but think … perhaps ‘twas darker forces that conspired for our favor; dark forces whose power is beyond anything you or I could ever imagine.
Pussy.
Nice Izod Shirt
We have a lot of fun here at Disco Vietnam Pick-Up Artistry, don’t we? We drink some beers, have a couple of laughs, and we learn stuff about chicks to manipulate them into doing things with us they don’t even realize they might like doing yet. But, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get serious for a minute:
When I talk about pussy, I’m not talking about women. I’m talking about pussy. There is a world of difference and understanding this difference is crucial to both your personal and professional survival.
They say behind every great man is a great woman. If we are to accept this rather suspiciously convenient logic (I’m onto you “They.” You’re probably some chick) then, naturally, behind every disgrace, failure and fallen empire is the dry stench of salt-water trout. Women weaken legs but pussy will weaken your entire existence. Especially if you ask it to.
The haunting closing track of Ghostface Killah’s 1996 debut Ironman “Marvel” will tell you everything you need to know about pussy, the nature of pussy and the ways in which pussy can destroy a man before he even gets a chance to become one. A companion piece to the greatest break-up song of all time, the appropriately vitriolic “Wildflower,” “Marvel” is a veritable laundry list of the consequences you invite into your life when you confuse love for lust and let your temptations govern your decisions. Never let your dick think for you. That’s your brain’s job and he’s awesome at it. And never, ever confuse your dick for your heart, either.
Read the rest of this entry »
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December 10th, 2007
Welcome to yet another edition of Disco Vietnam’s The Pick-Up Artist, because if there is one thing the members of Disco Vietnam understand it’s women. Today’s lesson will be brought to you by Disco Vietnam affiliate and board-certified mack Dr. Chet Rockstone. Dr. Chet Rockstone comes to us with a wealth of experience, having served as the personal mack instructor to the stars for over 10 years. Dr. Rockstone has slept with so many chicks when you ask him for a ballpark figure he says, “Yes!”
Before we proceed with today’s lesson I, Dr. Chet Rockstone, would like to review a couple of things:
1. All chicks are fucking insane
2. See rule 1.
Yes indeedeedoo my friends! The secret to landing that cinnamon bun broad of your wettest waking dreams is to understand chicks don’t really have brains. Dudes have brains! Yeah, and we got something else, too! Haha! Do the math, chumps!
You Can Always Trust a Doctor Whose Name is Rockstone.
You see, dudes are logical; chicks are emotional. That’s the dialectic. When dudes argue with chicks our objective is to present a series of rational explanations for our decisions. When chicks argue with dudes, however, their objective is to get us to lose our fucking minds by forcing us to think with our emotions, something dudes aren’t capable of doing with any proficiency while still being hot for chicks.
So, if you want to land that hot broad you got to make logic triumph over emotion. Understanding the simple logic “all women are fucking crazy” and using that information to your advantage will surely put you on the path to landing that smoking hot delicious piece of salt water trout you’ve been smacking your lips thinking about since you first got a whiff. Hell yeah!
Now, without further ado I would like to present today’s lesson, something I like to call “Splitting 8s.”
Splitting 8s is a highly advanced technique. Some of you may have difficulty grasping the concept and for those people I recommend either reviewing the previous chapters of Disco Vietnam’s Pick-Up Artistry or beating’ off.
Let’s say you meet two hot young chicks, one blonde, the other brunette. They’re two young idealistic 22-year-olds just out of college getting their first taste of the real world. And I don’t need to remind you guys, it’s a jungle out there. You remember, right? Well, guess what? Thing haven’t changed. It’s still a jungle out there and while our two hot chicks may not want to admit to it, you can tell they’re a bit overwhelmed (Don’t forget to prey on their weakness! See chapter 7 for review).
Now, let’s say you’ve met them with some of your friends on a Wednesday night where all of you had a great time dancing to indie rock or early 90s Top 40 rap or something (I don’t know what you kids do). You immediately recognize they are best friends, seemingly connected at the hip, but in their obvious desperation to meet new people and make this gigantic crazy jungle they’ve entered just a little bit smaller they both give you their numbers. Two days later, as is recommended in the guidebook, you call them up to invite them to a chill DJ party in the Lower East Side. They seem interested and sure enough they show up. This time your friends are gone and it’s just you and two girls and here’s where it gets interesting.
You dance with both girls equally, drink with both girls equally, talk to both girls equally, flirt with both girls equally, smoke with both girls equally. By all accounts it’s defintely on. But with who?
Here are your scenarios:
1. Neither
2. The blonde
3. The brunette
4. The blonde and the brunette
5. The blonde and the brunette, at the same time.
As you can see by scenario 5 you have an opportunity of a lifetime here if you play it right. Well, the only way to play this right: split your 8s.
Disco Vietnam’s Pick-Up Artist Book Sold Separately
When playing Blackjack, if in the event you are dealt two 8s, two fairly good cards that appear to be of equal value, it is generally understood you split them. Splitting 8s is generally considered a defensive play, a means of cutting one’s losses. However, in this case I would argue it is a means of maximizing success. 4 of those 5 scenarios are fucking awesome. By splitting 8s what you’re actually doing is letting the game come to you.
You may happen to like the brunette more than the blonde, but let’s not get crazy here. You should never let something as meaningless as your personal preferences leave you with dry balls. You don’t have to choose which chick wants to hook-up with you just as you don’t have to choose which one of your 8s will beat the dealer once you hit. All you can really do is just hit on both individually and get the fuck out of the way. The more you leave these decisions up to girls the more in control they feel. But they’re not in control. Ever. They’re chicks. They’re fucking nuts. You’re in control.
Of course it’s important to note: women aren’t actually cards; women are women, and as we’ve established, women are fucking insane. Don’t forget, you can use this to your advantage in a variety of ways. Create a subtle competition for your affections. Women don’t really want what they want, they just want to get what they want. If you turn yourself into an object instead of a human being before you know it these two best friends/enemies will be fighting over you surrounded by pillows and sheets and all sorts of toys. Threesome! Everyone wins! Most importantly, you! Hell yeah! Split your 8s.
Download:
MP3: Disco Vietnam-”The NP (Natalie Portman)”
Posted in Disco Vietnam | 4 Comments »
October 8th, 2007
Barry Schwartz used to write for Stylus. Now he fronts Disco Vietnam, a band that is way more excellent than both Disco and Vietnam (here is the proof). This is his first guest-blog on the Passion of the Weiss. Hopefully it will not be his last
“I’m so far ahead of my time, I’m bout to start another life
Look behind you, I’m about to pass you twice
Back to the future and gotta slow up for the present”
- Jay-Z, “Hovi Baby”
Growing up a chubby Jewish whiteboy from Long Island one tends to learn the essential lessons of social survival rather early. Foremost among these lessons: do everything you possibly can to not completely humiliate yourself in public. That’s just the basic math. As long as you don’t draw the potential for any negative attention to yourself I swear to you you’ll be just fine.
Still, knowing the path and walking the path are two very different things; sometimes a fat kids’s burning desire fails to overcome his physical deficiences and, perhaps one day, while running the dreaded mile in gym class, he gets lapped.
There is nothing worse than being lapped. Stitches in your left side, drenched in sweat, you breathe arhytmically, panting, as some Aryan robot and the girl you’ve had an unrequited masturbatorial affair with for the last seven weeks flies right past you. And they know. They know they’ve lapped you. You know they’ve lapped you. You know they know they’ve lapped you. They know you know they know. Soon, everyone in your gym class will know, and by 7th period the entire school. You’re 13-years-old but the cosmos have already decided: “Settle in, buddy. You will not be losing your virginity for quite some time.” Your whole life just got fucked. Today will be one of the days of your life you will have to watch like in that Albert Brooks movie Defending Your Life.
All because you got lapped.
Which brings us to today’s topic:
Well, Except for the Fact that Russell Crowe Isn’t American
On November 2nd, Ridley Scott’s heavily anticipated crime saga American Gangster will debut in theaters nationwide. Starring Denzel Washington, American Gangster chronicles the life of Frank Lucas, a 1970s Manhattan heroin kingpin, and Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe), the detective working tirelessly to bring him to justice. If the trailer for American Gangster is any indication then you know this much: this shit is going to be pretty fucking badass. Being that I myself am also a badass I plan on seeing and enjoying this scrumptious movie.
Within a few short weeks American Gangster has somehow already positioned itself firmly within the tradition of similarly themed films: The Godfather, Scarface, King of New York, all of which have contributed to the glorification of criminal as folk hero. Nothing really wrong with that. Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, Frank White and later Tony Soprano: each of them men of questionable character, questionable intentions and distorted value systems, but each them also inarguably badass motherfuckers. Icons. Frank Lucas, whom the film’s trailer describes as the only black man to operate above the Mafia, has all the prerequisites for induction into this distinguished fraternity. The fact that he was a real person certainly helps. The fact that he’s being portrayed by Denzel Washington, an icon in his own right, also gives him a nice little jump. People are psyched; it’s not everyday you get a new anti-hero, and within the last week I’ve already read and spoken to a number of people who have proclaimed, “American Gangster is going to be the next Scarface.”
Still, I can’t help but feel that in everyone’s haste to annoint American Gangster “The Scarface of our time!” they’ve rather conveniently forgotten to, you know, SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE FIRST! (I mean come on! You don’t watch Entourage? The fuck is wrong with you people? Adrian Grenier isn’t an oracle! Pay attention!)
Now, I’m not saying American Gangster isn’t going to be the next Scarface or even that it won’t be fucking amazing. I’m just saying it isn’t fucking out yet so you haven’t fucking seen it yet so it can’t possibly be the next Scarface yet. In fact, the film technically doesn’t even exist as a pop culture entity yet and can’t be until people have access to it on a mass level.
Oliver Stone: Entirely to Blame for Rick Ross
But, as has been widely reported, one of the people who has seen American Gangster is Jay-Z. Apparently Jay-Z was so affected by the film, overwhelmed by what he perceived to be its startling parallels to his own life and personal cosmology, he has spontaneously decided to record an entire concept album inspired by American Gangster to be a companion piece to the film itself. News of the album was greeted with much fanfare, with many expecting the album to be Jay-Z’s return to a grittier street hustler style, (the hip-hop equivalent of Thom Yorke saying In Rainbows is going to kind of sounds like The Bends) causing mass HOFNARs throughout the nerd kingdom. Whatever it sounds like Jay-Z’s American Gangster will be released on November 6th, only four days after the release of the film.
Now, this seems all well and good until you consider we live in reality; movies don’t really leak, but there’s no way in hell Jay-Z’s American Gangster’s isn’t going to leak before the release of the film American Gangster. Which creates a rather interesting little paradox I like to call “Preemptive Postmodernism”: the metaphor precedes the literal. A rather large group of people experience a piece of pop art directly inspired by another original independent piece of pop art before they will even have the opportunity to access the experience of original independent piece of pop art. That’s a little fucked.
So what this means is if you listen to Jay-Z’s new album before the Friday the film is released, you are potentially allowing Jay-Z’s singular experience of the film to preemptively recontextualize your experience of the film. And this was all made possible because Jay-Z is rich and famous and awesome and they screened the fucking movie for him. This begs the question:
Pop culture is acclerating, but can it lap itself?
I foresee two possibilities: One: If pop culture get’s lapped it will become deeply embarrassed, go into shock and simply pass out and never lose its virginity; in seizing the opportunity to attach himself to the next Scarface Jay-Z effectively ensures that it doesn’t become the next Scarface. (Actual irony!)
Or, two: the encounter could create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe! Granted that’s a worst case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.
Now that you’ve read that last paragraph, imagine I’d written and published it before the release of Back to the Future II. That would be a fucking dick thing to do.
So, Jay-Z I think you’re being kind of a dick. And you might also be putting the entire galaxy in danger so, if you’re so ahead of your time, yeah, maybe you could think ahead next time, ya dick.
Download:
MP3: Jay-Z-”Blue Magic”
Posted in Disco Vietnam | 4 Comments »
