I actually own this on CD-single, which is either keeping it real, or keeping it really retarded.
From the first moments of the reel, one can immediately infer that the film is going to be of quality. Why? The stamp of quality from Mo’ Thugs Family Features. Like the ill-fated male fortuneteller scheme alluded to in “1st of tha’ Month,” the film company was yet another financial miscalculation for Bone. Though to be fair, the company did churn out several pictures of high repute, including Thug Scuba Diver, Ghetto Holy Roman Emperor, and Thuggish Ruggish Mortgage Broker.
Ghetto Cowboys apparently love the harmonica. They too understand that the harmonica is the most undervalued instrument in rock. Well, that and the mandolin. (Oh, Arcade Fire, you’re so precious.)
Counting your money seems to a prerequisite, which may or may not involve a mastery of the abacus.
Nothing says “epic video” more than a hourglass filled with shifted sands. Nothing.
I’m fairly certain that “Remember the Time” is actually an alternative history suggesting the importance of New Jack Swing to the ancient Egyptians. Hieroglyphics that were once thought to have depicted the everyday life of the people were instead merely capturing them in the midst of the Cabbage Patch. If there are any Egyptologists out there reading the Passion of the Weiss (if so, you should probably stop now), I highly advise you to look further into this phenomenon.
I imagine that whoever suggested that the video feature feral cats running around as to be historically acccurate was very pleased with himself. You can almost hear a hare-brained label guy screaming, “Cats, we need more cats!”
The decision to cast Eddie Murphy as the Pharoahe reeks suspiciously of the plot of Coming to America. Not like this is a bad thing. Re-watching “Remember the Time,” I’m half-expecting someone to bath him and declare that the “royal penis is clean.”
How To Avoid Dice Games on 21 and Lewis: Consult AOL City Search for a more suitable and safe environment to find games of chance and miscellaneous sinning.
1. If one were ever to try to lure a human woman back to one’s spaceship for a late-night probe, it is highly advisable to try to find women dancing in their g-strings and proceed to wave large bills in front of them.
2. When the gangsters come in girls will invariably pause. However, it should be noted that they may just be playing freeze tag.
3. The only thing that girls love more than $100 bills and g-strings is making out with each other in front of Nate Dogg.
4. If you are a famous R&B singer like Nate Dogg, it is possible to get 10 girls to pay you just so they can lay you. This is an astonishing feat. Either that or Nate Dogg is just Mormon. (No Mitt.)
5. Even an alien with scant knowledge of West Coast G-Funk would be shocked by the astonishing increase in the hotness of the video ho, as evidenced by Nate Dogg’s “Indo Smoking” excursion a mere seven years prior.
6. Nate Dogg is “weary of hos.” This is probably the result of his gigolo lifestyle that has nearly a dozen women paying him for sex. The most logical conclusion to draw is that it is best to have no more than five girls pay you just so they can lay you. Six tops.
7. The seemingly random interlude with the club owner in the middle of the video is actually a brilliant Last Year at Marienbad type touch, one meant to reflect Nate Dogg’s scrambled sense of space, time and human relationships. If Nate Dogg is weary, fragmented, and disjointed, so must the cinema be.
8. Not even an alien would believe that girls all pause when Roscoe comes through the door. Even an extraterrestrial would know that Roscoe’s fried chicken> Roscoe the Rapper.
9. Swap meets are great places to meet girls willing to pause.
10. Girls all say the same old thing: they just want to “gangsta’ boogie. ” In the end, this may be the root of Nate Dogg’s self-professed”weariness.” Sure, g-string clad girls dancing for hundred dollars bills and making out with each other is all good, but ultimately, for Nate, only being able to only talk about gangsta’ boogying and miscellaneous affiliated boogery, is inherently limiting.
In honor of Nate Dogg (who’s currently recuperating in a rest home after somehow having a stroke at 38)) and because I really just want to watch old G-Funk videos for the rest of the week, the next couple days will be dedicated to excavating random Nate Dogg songs. Happy New Year.
1. Let it be said unequivocally. Warren G> Warren G. Harding > Mike Huckabee.
2. Was there really a four-month stretch in college where every time my friends and I got high, we would listen to this song and “Glock-O-Pop?” And if so, how was it possible that this corresponded with my highest-ever GPA?
3. This video’s budget: $2,123 (including 15 roast beef sandwiches, 24 hot dogs and 12 gallons of Kool-Aid). The amount of weed smoked on the set of this video: 3 pounds or $15,000, whichever one came first.
4. How is it possible that Nate Dogg can make singing about changing his thread-bare socks sound this smooth? I blame Kirk Radomski.
5. Snoop Dogg’s ghostwriter? Easy job or easiest job.
6. Are Warren G’s “G Child” and Madlib’s “Quasimoto” the same exact voice? And if not, exactly how stoned do you have to be to decide to huff helium and then rap as your squeaky voiced alter ego?
7. Can this video be officially declared the turning point when Xzibit officially became better at ride pimping than rapping?
8. If the Game really refuses to wait than shouldn’t the rappers involved stop bitching about this fact, and instead show some discipline and put it on time out, threaten to rescind its supper, and then finally, if that doesn’t work, medicate the game with 100 mg a day of the finest ADHD drugs?
9. If Warren G actually did have “your bitch” with her “knees up” would you a) punch Warren G in the face b) stand there stunned at the fact that your girlfriend was copulating with a past-his-prime West Coast rap star c) silently congratulate yourself on your ability to attract a woman that would be desired by a past-his-prime West Coast rap star or d) ask Warren G to autograph your copy of Regulate.
10. IsXzibit’s claim that there’s nothing like a “one night stand with nice tan and big chest to make [him] feel like a whole new man,” evidence that he has a sex addiction or empirical proof that as the song alleges, the game does not in fact wait for anyone. Not even busters. Download:
1. Is an opening shot of buying 40’s at the liquor store ever a bad idea?
2. Nate Dogg> a lump of aluminum foil> Akon?
3. Is the only thing better than a G-Funk classic from 1993, a video of said G-Funk classic interspersed with clips from the John Singleton opus, Poetic Justice?
4. When Singleton decided to cast Q-Tip as Janet Jackson’s slain boyfriend,Markell, and 2Pac as her new boyfriend, Lucky, was he foreshadowing the eventual demise of the left-field Native Tongues movement in exchange for the hard-core posturing of gangster rap, or have I just succumbed to the oh-so-meta-temptation of smoking indo smoke while listening to indo smoke?
5 . Is the reason for Mista Grimm’s complete and utter disappearance from rap post-93, simply the result of his adopting an east coast accent and changing his name to U-God?
6. If you could obtain indo smoke capable of making you levitate like Mista Grimm, would your life would be a richer and fuller place?
7. Was the entire second half of Half Baked derived from the plot of this video?
8. Have scientists yet discovered the reason why video ho’s got exponentially hotter from the year 1996 on? Or at the very least can’t a lazy American studies major write a paper on this topic and send it to me?
9. Did Mista Grimm have a drug problem or was he just deeply awesome?
10. Is “Indo Smoke” the greatest stoner rap song ever? And if it isn’t how is it possible that I can’t remember half of college, yet I can somehow clearly remember 100 percent of this song’s lyrics? Take that Nancy Reagan.
10. Did Dallas Austin just use the same drum pattern on every song he ever produced? I’m pretty sure that this is the exact same loop as TLC’s “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” which would make it the exact same loop as “Hat 2 Da Back.” And yet, why I do still like all three?
9. What in God’s name are Another Bad Creation doing today? And if they aren’t strung out, binging on heroin and hookers how do they go through their normal every day existence? And if they are going through normal every day existence isn’t it VH1’s job to turn it into a “wacky” reality show.
8. Why is this song 8,321 times better than “Crank That?”But more importantly, why is this song targeted at 13-year old white (and black) girls and yet talks about playing Nintendo and meeting girls on the monkey bars rather than “Supermanning that Ho.” And most importantly, why does this sad realization make me want to move into a well-lit Internetless cave just just outside of Amsterdam.
7. Was Michael Bivens and his semi-rapped interludes the inspiration for Puffy deciding it was a good idea to “ad-lib” on every act he ever produced. And if so, is Bivens squarely to blame for Young Joc? (Edit: nevermind).
6. Was Chuck D pissed off when he realized that this beat completely ripped off “Rebel Without a Pause’s” squealing trumpets and he couldn’t get any of the sample money because they themselves jacked it from the J.B.’s “The Grunt?”
5. How is it possible that in my 26 years of living I have actually yet to meet a girl named Iesha?
4. Is Michael Bivins pointing out that A.B.C. reminded him of “my boys in New Edition,” the most redundant line in music history. I mean, was there anyone on earth who didn’t realize that A.B.C.’s entire reason for being was to try to be the next New Edition?
3. Have times changed that much where all the Grandmother in “Iesha” has to worry about is her children playing Go-Kart alone and handing out big lollipops and letters? Then again, this song is 16 years old. It’s okay to feel old now.
2. Was there really a time when people thought shirtless with overalls was a good look?
1. Is it safe to then conclude that New Jack’s Swing central problem wasn’t its music, it was its fashion?
1. Is Positive K wearing Joseph’s actual “amazing technicolor dreamcoat?”
2. Is chasing orange spandex suit-wearing women up a flight of stairs evidence of a serious psychological disturbance, or is it completely justifiable behavior?
3. Is Positive K’s ability to rap as both the man and the woman in the song one of the most supreme vocal achievements of the 20th century?
4. What does “I’m not a dove baby, so don’t play me like a clown,” really mean?
5. Should the styles of Puerto Rican video ho’s in New York City circa 1993, forever be known as of “The Rosie Perez” era.
6. If you were hitting on a girl and she asked you, “Are a you a chef? Cuz you keep me feeding me soup,” is the only acceptable response to nod your head, smile and mention that you are indeed a sous chef capable of making a spectacular pasta fagioli?
7. Was K’s usage of the word “ragamuffin,” the only time in U.S. hip-hop history that the word was ever used? Either way, can we all agree to bring back the word “ragamuffin,” because of how fun it is to write the word “ragamuffin.”
8. Should the styles of African-American video ho’s in New York City circa 1993, forever be known as of the “Tisha Campbell” era?
9. Was the moment when K declares that he’ll do anything for his women but “buy her things and take [her] out,” the basis for the philosophy of Outkast’s groundbreaking treatise on women’s lib, “We Luv Deez Hoez.” Specifically, the part where Big Boi says, and I quote, “I told y’all n—z about them taking them ho’s to the Cheesecake Factory, letting them order strawberry lemonade and popcorn shrimp….they ain’t gonna’ do nuthin’ but try to take all your motherfuckin’ cheese.”
10. Should the song end when Positive K refers to himself as “big daddy longstroke” and the girls’ man as “Pee Wee Herman?” I believe in chess they call that a checkmate.
Last Thursday, prior to watching Dr. Dog tear the roof off the Echo, the band did something that forever earned them my eternal respect: choosing N2 Deep’s “Back to the Hotel” as their intro music. Utilizing the famous Lafeyette Afro Band/”Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” sax riff, “Back to the Hotel” beat Wreckx N’ Effect’s “Rumpshaker” “to the gate by a good six months. While it might not have been nearly as awesome as Teddy Riley & Co.’s ode to ass-shakin’, hearing “Back to the Hotel” for the first time in 15 years brought back nostalgia of dubbed tapes off the radio and grainy videos on the Box. It also brought the sad realization that one of my favorite childhood songs is actually pretty bad. Neither guy in N2Deep could rap for shit, their lyrics are Mims- sophisticated, and the video looks like it was done by a team of bored convicts in possession of a beat-up 8 mm camera.
Revelations Gleaned From Watching N2 Deep’s “Back to the Hotel” video for the first time in 15 years.
98 percent of N2 Deep’s video consists of dudes mean-mugging the camera and/or driving around in a beat-up hoopty. On the one occasion that viewers are able to see one of N2 Deep’s women, she appear to resemble like A.C. Green, albeit with bigger breasts
I’m reasonably certain that N2 Deep’s girl troubles stemmed from the fact that they were throwing the world’s worst party. If you’re seriously trying to get some girls to go back to the hotel with you, chances are they won’t be down if all you’re doing is sipping “purple chongos” in a parking lot with 45 other dudes somewhere in Vallejo.
Jonny Z clearly had things more figured out than his friends in N2Deep. He got them to shout his name out in a song, plus in the song he got to have his hand up some girls mini-skirt, rendering him forever immortalized as though he were painted on a faux gangster Grecian urn.
Rhymes that probably should never be uttered in a rap song (Part I): “ Cause you know what I mean when I’m feelin kinda funky/ A sick honky, straight going donkey.” Unless your name is MC fucking Eeyore.
Rhymes that probably should never be uttered in a rap song (Part II): “And burn rubber up the block/ Back to the tele, I gotta get some new cock.” Unless, you’re talking about KFC. And even then….
The black sax player fake-playing the saxophone in the video did not score nearly as many credibility points as N2Deep must’ve hoped he would.
What kind of rapper brags about having money in his sock? Who carries money in their sock after the 7th grade?
N2Deep are what would have happened if Dante and Randall from Clerks tried to make a gangsta’ rap video.
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