10. Did Dallas Austin just use the same drum pattern on every song he ever produced? I’m pretty sure that this is the exact same loop as TLC’s “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” which would make it the exact same loop as “Hat 2 Da Back.” And yet, why I do still like all three?
9. What in God’s name are Another Bad Creation doing today? And if they aren’t strung out, binging on heroin and hookers how do they go through their normal every day existence? And if they are going through normal every day existence isn’t it VH1’s job to turn it into a “wacky” reality show.
8. Why is this song 8,321 times better than “Crank That?”But more importantly, why is this song targeted at 13-year old white (and black) girls and yet talks about playing Nintendo and meeting girls on the monkey bars rather than “Supermanning that Ho.” And most importantly, why does this sad realization make me want to move into a well-lit Internetless cave just just outside of Amsterdam.
7. Was Michael Bivens and his semi-rapped interludes the inspiration for Puffy deciding it was a good idea to “ad-lib” on every act he ever produced. And if so, is Bivens squarely to blame for Young Joc? (Edit: nevermind).
6. Was Chuck D pissed off when he realized that this beat completely ripped off “Rebel Without a Pause’s” squealing trumpets and he couldn’t get any of the sample money because they themselves jacked it from the J.B.’s “The Grunt?”
5. How is it possible that in my 26 years of living I have actually yet to meet a girl named Iesha?
4. Is Michael Bivins pointing out that A.B.C. reminded him of “my boys in New Edition,” the most redundant line in music history. I mean, was there anyone on earth who didn’t realize that A.B.C.’s entire reason for being was to try to be the next New Edition?
3. Have times changed that much where all the Grandmother in “Iesha” has to worry about is her children playing Go-Kart alone and handing out big lollipops and letters? Then again, this song is 16 years old. It’s okay to feel old now.
2. Was there really a time when people thought shirtless with overalls was a good look?
1. Is it safe to then conclude that New Jack’s Swing central problem wasn’t its music, it was its fashion?
1. Is Positive K wearing Joseph’s actual “amazing technicolor dreamcoat?”
2. Is chasing orange spandex suit-wearing women up a flight of stairs evidence of a serious psychological disturbance, or is it completely justifiable behavior?
3. Is Positive K’s ability to rap as both the man and the woman in the song one of the most supreme vocal achievements of the 20th century?
4. What does “I’m not a dove baby, so don’t play me like a clown,” really mean?
5. Should the styles of Puerto Rican video ho’s in New York City circa 1993, forever be known as of “The Rosie Perez” era.
6. If you were hitting on a girl and she asked you, “Are a you a chef? Cuz you keep me feeding me soup,” is the only acceptable response to nod your head, smile and mention that you are indeed a sous chef capable of making a spectacular pasta fagioli?
7. Was K’s usage of the word “ragamuffin,” the only time in U.S. hip-hop history that the word was ever used? Either way, can we all agree to bring back the word “ragamuffin,” because of how fun it is to write the word “ragamuffin.”
8. Should the styles of African-American video ho’s in New York City circa 1993, forever be known as of the “Tisha Campbell” era?
9. Was the moment when K declares that he’ll do anything for his women but “buy her things and take [her] out,” the basis for the philosophy of Outkast’s groundbreaking treatise on women’s lib, “We Luv Deez Hoez.” Specifically, the part where Big Boi says, and I quote, “I told y’all n—z about them taking them ho’s to the Cheesecake Factory, letting them order strawberry lemonade and popcorn shrimp….they ain’t gonna’ do nuthin’ but try to take all your motherfuckin’ cheese.”
10. Should the song end when Positive K refers to himself as “big daddy longstroke” and the girls’ man as “Pee Wee Herman?” I believe in chess they call that a checkmate.
Last Thursday, prior to watching Dr. Dog tear the roof off the Echo, the band did something that forever earned them my eternal respect: choosing N2 Deep’s “Back to the Hotel” as their intro music. Utilizing the famous Lafeyette Afro Band/”Show ‘Em Whatcha Got” sax riff, “Back to the Hotel” beat Wreckx N’ Effect’s “Rumpshaker” “to the gate by a good six months. While it might not have been nearly as awesome as Teddy Riley & Co.’s ode to ass-shakin’, hearing “Back to the Hotel” for the first time in 15 years brought back nostalgia of dubbed tapes off the radio and grainy videos on the Box. It also brought the sad realization that one of my favorite childhood songs is actually pretty bad. Neither guy in N2Deep could rap for shit, their lyrics are Mims- sophisticated, and the video looks like it was done by a team of bored convicts in possession of a beat-up 8 mm camera.
Revelations Gleaned From Watching N2 Deep’s “Back to the Hotel” video for the first time in 15 years.
98 percent of N2 Deep’s video consists of dudes mean-mugging the camera and/or driving around in a beat-up hoopty. On the one occasion that viewers are able to see one of N2 Deep’s women, she appear to resemble like A.C. Green, albeit with bigger breasts
I’m reasonably certain that N2 Deep’s girl troubles stemmed from the fact that they were throwing the world’s worst party. If you’re seriously trying to get some girls to go back to the hotel with you, chances are they won’t be down if all you’re doing is sipping “purple chongos” in a parking lot with 45 other dudes somewhere in Vallejo.
Jonny Z clearly had things more figured out than his friends in N2Deep. He got them to shout his name out in a song, plus in the song he got to have his hand up some girls mini-skirt, rendering him forever immortalized as though he were painted on a faux gangster Grecian urn.
Rhymes that probably should never be uttered in a rap song (Part I): “ Cause you know what I mean when I’m feelin kinda funky/ A sick honky, straight going donkey.” Unless your name is MC fucking Eeyore.
Rhymes that probably should never be uttered in a rap song (Part II): “And burn rubber up the block/ Back to the tele, I gotta get some new cock.” Unless, you’re talking about KFC. And even then….
The black sax player fake-playing the saxophone in the video did not score nearly as many credibility points as N2Deep must’ve hoped he would.
What kind of rapper brags about having money in his sock? Who carries money in their sock after the 7th grade?
N2Deep are what would have happened if Dante and Randall from Clerks tried to make a gangsta’ rap video.
