December 5th, 2008
10. For his first single, Cam’ron Giles chose to introduce himself to the world by informing it that there was a reasonable possibility that they “might see [him] in designer underwear, in a reclining leather chair.” A disturbing image that does nothing to reconcile this video of Cam in blue polka dot boxers purchased from Ross.
9. With the black plastic nerd glasses that he sporadically sports, Cam’ron may have been the proto-hipster rapper. Mickey Factz, you aren’t as original as you thought.
8. That their are paparazzi with boom mics and cameras trying to ask Cam’ron questions. In 1998, other than than Big L, Mase, Un, and a transvestite hooker named Fluffy that had been known to frequent the 125th st. exit of the subway, no one had ever heard of the dude.
7. When Cam asks an astonished co-ed whether she is “sexy in thongs” it foreshadows a sexual ambiguity and doubt that will be a hallmark of his career. If you have to ask…..
6. Why is Mase’s love for hire? Is this a tacit admission of the rumors that perpetually dogged him from the shiny suit days? The love nest with Puffy? The Midnight Cowboy-esque romps through Times Square in the “Only You” video. Can’t love be free, Mase? Is nothing sacred?
5. Cam’s line that he “loves when cats think they’re bigger than a sumo/that’s when I hit ‘em with a little Puerto Rican judo/oh you don’t know what that is/that’s when I go, ju don’t know whose gat this is.” Okay, there’s nothing bizarre about this–it’s just a hilariously awesome line. Perhaps my favorite other than “Drinkin’ sake on a Suzuki/we in Osaka Bay.”
4. The blink-if-you-missed-it cameo of a permed-out Jim Jones in a all-white suit that makes him look like a Cuban lawn bowler or the Neoyoriquino DJ Quik.
3. Mase’s conspicuous absence from the video, allegedly because he demanded payment to appear, a move which supposedly started beef between him and Cam. Either that or they had a lover’s spat over where to take Puerto Rican Judo courses.
2. Killa’s brusque attitude towards the valet. Okay, we get it dude, you’re rich and important with your Poindexter glasses, but no one likes a guy who’s rude to the help.
1. Cam’s refusal to attend his pool party without pink plastic inflatable sharks. It just makes too much sense.
Download:
MP3: Cam’ron ft. Mase-”Horse & Carriage”
MP3: Cam’ron ft. Wyclef, Charli Baltimore, Silkk the Shocker & Big Pun-”Horse & Carriage Remix”
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 15 Comments »
October 31st, 2008
10. At first, the Metropolis-like dystopia of urban ruins and decay conjures a less than dazzling vision of the future. But next thing you know–bam!–there’s the multi-racial KLF collective, guys in leather, and guitar shredding a-plenty. Suddenly, the prospect of dining on squirrels and sundry carrion doesn’t seem so bad after all.
9. Like Snap’s epic economic treatise, “The Power.” “3 a.m. Eternal” features a garbled, heavily accented, crypto-Communist message at the beginning of the song, portending a future filled with widespread mangling of the English language. Clearly, this was intended to foreshadow the emergence of George Bush and Sarah Palin.
8. Rappers named Ricardo Da Force who rock geek glasses and program beats on Zach Morris cell phones. Enough said.
The KLF: Not a Fan of Daylight Savings Time
7. KLF also went by the name Justified Ancients of Mu-Mu. Coincidentally this was also Deerhunter’s original name, for vastly different reasons.
6. For inventing the word, “baseballistics.” Or did they?
5. Because I want to live in a future with girls who dance to hip-house while wearing azure Druid cloaks. Sort of.
4. Arabic Flute Solos.
I’m Just Going To Refrain From Making Some Sort of Really Bad Pun Here, K? K.
3. Because the thought that somewhere upon hearing this song, Cole, Civilles and the entirety of their factory o’ music broke out in tears.
2. The metaphysical questions the song raises. Is time really eternal? Or is it only eternal when you have to sit through a Kansas City Royals-Seattle Mariners game in September. And if time really is eternal, is there even a point to me writing this blog? And if there isn’t a point to me writing this, is there ever a point to me writing anything. (anonymous hate commenters, wink wink, nudge, nudge )
1. Because whether directly or indirectly, 17 years after its release, this song and much of KLF’s influence can heard in 2008’s most vital groups, from Gang Gang Dance to The Knux to Kanye West’s Elegant Emo Extravaganza, to that god awful Wiz Khalifa song where he samples Alice DJ (there aren’t enough “pauses” in the world to atone for that one.)
Download:
MP3: The KLF-”3 a.m. Eternal”
Posted in 10 Questions Raised, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought? | 6 Comments »
August 20th, 2008
10. I sincerely hope that word doesn’t get out that “the people” who came around looking for me, were really just Mormon missionaries.
9. Speaking of possible rumors to pro-actively quell. If the wrong definition of “licky boom boom doom,” is allowed to be disseminated, we could be ruined. Mental note: also stop using the word disseminated.
8. In interviews should I describe my music as reggae or reggreat?
7. Are White People really Allowed To Wear Cross-Colors?
The Clothes Show We Mean Business: The Dog Shows We Know How to Love
6. Hopefully, by showing various action shots of me mean-mugging in prison, it will convince people to overlook the fact that I wrote a song called, “Girl, I’ve Been Hurt.”
5. Informers=bad Transformers=good.
4. I wonder how long we can keep MC Shan trapped here without bread and water before he starts to go crazy?
Snow: Possibly a Decepticon
3. I hope no one asks how I picked up a Jamaican accent in Toronto.
2. Ha. PM Dawn will never notice that I stole their sunglasses. Whatever, they look better on me than that fatty Prince Be.
1. Can you believe how lucky we were to find these dancers thumbing for rides home near the set of the “Vogue” video?
Also, for the In Living Color-inclined. (As though there was anyone who wasn’t.)
Download:
MP3: Snow-”Informer”
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 5 Comments »
July 22nd, 2008
I believe the direct quote was “Fuck the LA Times.” According to this other Times piece, Nas says my review “disrespected him.” Which is probably true, but then again, I never wrote a rap bragging about being in a Lex watching Kathy Lee and Regis. To say nothing about that unforgettable time when Halle Berry blew Nas a kiss at the Barbra Streisand concert. I assume that meant that Nasir is a big Funny Girl fan?
But hey, if my misanthropy somehow helped convince him to do an entire album produced by DJ Premier, my work here is done.
Download:
MP3: Nas-”Take It In Blood” (Which by all accounts remains a great song)
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 19 Comments »
June 19th, 2008
10. After noticing a spare copy of Pigeon Racer Digest: the Thinking Person’s Journal of Racing Pigeons in the Hot Boys’ trailer,* “that boy” decided to join the American Racing Pigeon Union and make a go of it in the wide world of ornithology.
9. Decided to leave Magnolia because hanging out with Baby during his “bird-calling” phase soon became unbearable. Like it was the funny and cool the first few dozen times but soon it got really old. Like Austin Powers jokes old. Eventually, this also led to B.G.’s decision to leave Cash Money.
Who Else Would Be Willing To Employ The Sporty Thievez?
8. Due to NAFTA,”that boy” lost his job to a more cost-efficient Mexican pigeon clapper.
7. Became the subject of a revelatory Roald Dahl work.
Malice Was Actually More of a Charlie And the Great Glass Elevator Guy
6. Currently, delegated to being Wayne’s third-string lip gloss holder.
5. Pusha-T got him an apprenticeship at a Chinchilla furrier in an Italian neighborhood in Virginia Beach.
4. After being disposed of properly by Birdman and Clipse, “that boy” was thought to be dead due to his waxen pallor. Instead, it seems that he survived the attack and went on to one day join the Arcade Fire.
Let’s Just Say That There Are Many Funny Things To Do To This Photo Provided You are 12-years Old and Have a Mastery of Photo Shop.**
3. Went to the impossible-to-find desert island that Pharell’s talent abandoned him for.
2 . After begging for his life, Birdman forgave “that boy” for snitching and allowed him to run his thriving school of avian mesmerism.
1. He was traded away in a three-team deal involving Philly’s Most Wanted, Gillie Da Kid, five Birdman medallions and three Cash Money Millionaires to Be Named Later.
* Turk briefly contributed to the magazine for a short stretch in the mid-90s.
** The idea that forms the basis of Perez Hilton’s entire career.
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 6 Comments »
May 20th, 2008
- Maybe instead of wallowing in unchecked misery over “the girl with the fat diamond ring” (really, the fat diamond ring is the main thing that you remember about her?), you should just step to one of the mermaids swimming around the set of your music video. Granted, mermaid human/relations have always been a bumpy proposition (just ask Hans Christian Anderson), but I find it hard to believe that PM Dawn couldn’t have have at least snagged some tail. So to speak.
- Stop whispering your vocals. You will always be set adrift on memory bliss if you step into the booth and start whispering sotto voce asides that make you sound like you’re trying to scheme on 3rd graders with pigtails.
- Stop wearing pink headbands. The collabos with Boy George are one thing. You can always play the sensitive and tolerant card. But c’mon dude, you’re 300 fucking lb.s, you look more like a tuft of cotton candy than a suitable mate.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 7 Comments »
May 5th, 2008
- Markie appears to have had a Homer Simpsonian sense of delusion. Had he looked at himself in the mirror? The guy was 30 lbs. overweight, rapped like Corky from Life Goes On and appeared to have a poor orthodontist. Granted, he was a fantastic DJ and beat-boxer but just check the company he was rolling with. The Juice Crew? Of course, “he” was probably more than just a friend. “He” probably was Big Daddy Kane.
- If your justification for a women sleeping with you hinges on “she” having what “you” need, chances are she will be keeping other men on the side. Really, it all depends on whether or not Markie has what she needs. The question being, does she need powered wigs, Baby Grand pianos and an up and close relationship with a man named TJ Swan?
- If a girl makes you wait a year to have sex, she is either a) playing you, b) a regular visitor to Women For Romney. Org, c) 15 years old or d) all of the above.
But You Say He’s Just a Friend
- What does he expect from college-aged groupies named Blah Blah Blah * with 9/10 pants and very big bras? Trust? Fidelity? Chlamydia?
- By bragging about his other female friends, Agnes and Agatha, Biz inadvertently lets his woman know that she has nothing to worry about. He’s just transparently trying to make her jealous and it isn’t working. Agnes? Agatha? Who’s he trying to pick up, senior citizens and British detective novelists?
- Moreover, what does he expect when he offers Blah Blah Blah a necklace with the words “baby” engraved on it. Baby? That’s the best Biz can do? Then again, this is the man who kicked off his debut with the song “Pickin’ Boogers.” “Baby” may in fact be a triumph.
- Surprise visits? Never a good move. It tells Blah, Blah, Blah that you’re clingy, needy and paranoid. Ultimately, it makes your competition (i.e. the shirtless guy with the high-top fade and stem-less wine glasses) more attractive and the next thing you know you’re standing at the bus stop spinning your yarn to a bunch of dudes who don’t care and lamely trying to call out skeezers with the same old pick-up lines. Sell yourself Markie. Have TJ Swan serenade them. Ask them their astrological sign. Explain to them why you have what they need.
* From an illustrious German lineage of “Blah Blah Blah’s”
Download:
MP3: Biz Markie-”Just a Friend”
MP3: Biz Markie-”Make the Music With Your Mouth”
MP3: Biz Markie-”Nobody Beats the Biz”
Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 8 Comments »
April 18th, 2008
1. Who made the decision to have an Asian Bjork clone perform a feather dance for one of the video’s main plot threads? Okay fine, we all know the answer was Rza, but really, was Erykah Badu that busy taking trips to Israel with Jay Electronica that Bobby couldn’t convince her to show up for a couple hours to lip-sync the hook? In other news, there is an 82 percent shot of Baduian/Black Israelite influence yielding an Electronica song entitled “Shalom Bitches and Drugs.”
2. Why is Gza listening to wire-taps for the duration of the video? Isn’t he supposed to be doing all sorts of crazy liquid sword-type killings or at least playing chess? Did someone brain-wash him into believing that he’s a War II Navajo from the film, Windtalkers. And by someone, I naturally mean the Rza.
3. Wu videos have side-stepped having nothing to do with the song itself. Shit, the “Triumph” video plot line barely extended past “New York City is Getting Invaded by Wu Killa Bees,” but it remains the most awesomest video in the history of awesomeness. Yet “The Heart Gently Weeps” is a hackneyed re-hash of Kill Bill. I know Tarantino and Rza are really really into double-dating (no, Quentin, you drive this time, I drove last time), but this just as predictable and infinitely less entertaining than Rick Ross jumping off a bridge for getting a speeding infraction.
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Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 19 Comments »
April 8th, 2008
10. The ability to acquire flaming pennies (these were also reportedly Shaquille O’ Neal’s last words upon leaving Orlando). Such magic coins will give their owners the ability to turn homeless people into suave and dapper, ladies men and thus realize their dreams of using P.I.M.P.O.L.O.G.Y. to logically, learn these tricks biology. Obviously.
9. When in doubt, just ask yourself, “how would Bone Thugs rap it?” If that fails, just get Twista.
8. A rooftop pool is a must. The promise of such aquatic delight will ensnare all video vixens from the Southside of the Chi to Joliet. However, for safety purposes, a life guard must be present at all all times. Do or die.
7. Khaki suits with shorts, no shirt, no problem.
6 . The willingness to spend dozens of hours a week doing nothing but riding in the backseat of a Caddy and chopping it up with Do or Die. Other responsibilities may include buying 40s, carrying weed and trips to the mall to buy Girbaud.
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Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 7 Comments »
March 7th, 2008
If there are any aspiring young rappers out there reading this, now is the time to rejoice. With his second album, Trilla, Rick Ross has proven that all you need to do to have a viable rap career is the foresight to rhyme “Ross” with “Boss.” For those keeping score, that’s two albums on Def Jam, two songs called “Boss. ” Thankfully, for those seeking clarity, the video above explains the truth definition of what it means to be “The Boss.”
Have Moobs
Why: Man boobs are an essential part of being a Ross-like titan of industry. See the numerous close-ups of Ross rolling around in his boxers, breasts a-flopping. Wearing any sort of feminine “manssiere” or “bro” is unmanly and should be shunned. As should self-consciousness. The first rule of being a boss is being aware of your sacred duty to show the world your bossy bosom whenever the video-taped opportunity arises.
Examples of Other Ross Bosses: Frank Costanza, Newman, Your Father.
Refuse to “Make Love” Only Make “Magic”
Why: Self-explanatory.
Examples of other Ross Bosses: Magic Johnson, Magica De Spell, Harry “Pushin’ Maybach’s” Houdini
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Posted in 10 Questions Raised | 9 Comments »
