If you don’t bow at the iced out feet and god-given gifts of the artists below, you have the swag of a 8th grade hall monitor who worships pogs and the Insane Clown Posse.

10. Dark Sister

Dark Sister- Red Velvet from Owlhead Collective on Vimeo.

Cupcakes, swag, hags, Witch House, Lil B at his most bouillabased, white girls, hot topics, pony tails, fake blood, red velvet, veganism, shopping at good will for goth gear = Dark Sister. Did I mention cupcakes? Have you ever wondered would happen if a witch who lived in the Great Smokey Mountains of Tennessee was fucked by Jasper the Dolphin and Gangsta Boo and they had twin sisters named Agatha and Patricia Sajack? Me too.  Let’s call this the future. Dark Sister are ready to blow. — Moises Sternstein

9. Chet Haze

Chet Haze is Tom Hanks’ son, but not the likeable one from Orange County. Chet’s the hardest actor’s son in Evanston, coming straight out of the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, ya heeeaaaaaarrrrrd. — Treyford Miller

8. Hoodie Allen

Interested in hip-hop but put off by the thuggish demeanour and gangsta posturing of rappers like Drake and Tyga? You need to listen to Hoodie Allen. The man born Steven Markowitz was forged in the not very affordable yet not very cheap suburbs of NY’s Long Island. After struggling to complete a combination finance/marketing degree of the University of Pennsylvania, Markovitz used rap to escape from long hours at the Google campus and the grueling lifestyle of the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity. At last, the upper-middle class Jew has a voice in the music industry. — Mordechai Mozza

7. Riff Raff

Ever wish that Paul Wall and Kevin Federline had formed an ill super-group when both of them were at the full height of their powers. Thank Based God, Riff Raff answered the void, mixing it with a little dash of Soulja Boy, a few drip drops of Gucci, and Fonzworth Bentley’s cologne that smells like rainbow sherbet. Riff Raff means trouble, not just for you, me, but for the system, unable to process a rich and powerful white man with a BET tattoo on his neck. Watch out, Shady. we’re only now getting ready to get up and stand up for the Real Riff Raff. — James Kodos Caspianopoulos

6. Asher Roth

Forget “I Love College.” Asher Roth has been going hard ever since he first made it cool for white guys to rap about yoga and stiff Dutch Men. You want to hear dudes spit hyper lyrical lyrics about furry hats, beer bongs, bongs, water pipes, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and ping pong then tune back into to the Blessed Best from Westchester. Def Jam just signed him to a deal and the label that brought you the Terriyaki Boyz could never be unable to hear the pulse of the streets. Sleep on Asher? Don’t be downward facing dumb. — Iris McClure

5. Iggy Azalea

Iggy is what the rap game needed: a white girl who talks about rolling down Slauson and who is down to sell her “P.U.S.S.Y.” Some people say that Iggy was out of line by saying that she was a slave master. They were interpreting it wrong. She was just  saying that she was a slave, Master? As in, can you master the level of difficulty in her flow?  If you’re scared, say you’re scared. — Carlton Plimpton

4. Machine Gun Kelly

Yo, son. Bro has bars, son. –Casio Valdez

3. Kreayshawn

With White Girl Mob, it’s two for the price of one. Pick Kreayshawn for your Hottest Rappers List and you get a lyrical threesome with V-Nasty. You add that up, not only do you get Hello Kitty-brolic flows, but also at least three VD’s of your choosing. Lyrically, they will infect you with swag, through a complex infusion into your ovaries (or kidneys if you are a male). Some say that “Gucci Gucci” was ghost-written. That’s bullshit. If anything, Kreayshawn is the second coming of Styles P, the Ghost. Disagree, you probably work at Arby’s. I see you, stop looking at me. I want fries and an ultimate Angus Sandwich. Hurry up, I’m hungry. Oaktown! — Earvin “Magic” Yehupsky

2. Mac Miller

Is it too early in his career to call Mac Miller the Jewish Jordan? Shoes, Mac Miller has them. Weed, he smokes it. Donald Trump’s wigs? He’s purchased them — just in case Mac Miller goes bald later on. Mac Miller thinks of everything. He is one step ahead of the curve, partially because his dad is a C.P.A. and tax attorney, but partially because DJ Premier and Wiz Khalifa have been visiting him in his dreams every night since he was in the 3rd Grade. For you, it would seem weird. For Mac Miller, this is just prophecy. For the Jewish people, Mac Miller is proof that no longer shall the rest of the world think that our Macs are little. Challah. — Sherm “Stick” Kleindorff.

1. Skrillex

With rap taking major creative leaps over the past 6 months, there’s no way Skrillex could NOT be our #1 pick. From his next level beat selection to a haircut described by Will.I.Am as “inspirational,” he’s contributed to Hip-Hop’s best year yet and will forever go down in history as an icon of the genre. And that hair, oh, that hair.  — Ambrose Macintosh