Editors seeking to hire Hannibal Moncrief are advised to be keep substantial bail money, margaritas, and VIP bracelets on hand. Hannibal Moncrief does not mingle with the Hoi Polloi. 

Why would Hannibal Moncrief feel remorse? The booking agent will feel the pain, not the Mad Moncrief who arrived ready to show the world the wistful side of metal. Do you know how expensive it is to ship a Theremin to Austin? You don’t because you don’t know how to play it, but you probably also don’t have Hannibal’s gifts. He knew that he was going to have a storied career in music when he was three years old and discovered he had perfect pitch singing to Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight.” But while that tune may be a classic, it is not an appropriate way to describe Hannibal’s SXSW experience thus far.

Yesterday was supposed to be Infinite Transgression’s Coup De Great — we had 12 shows scheduled, one for every woman that Hannibal has had consensual sexual relations with in the last week.  But did they go down? Of course, not. Hannibal is not too much of a man to admit error. You can do that when you have such a lustrous coif. Unlike the booking agent who promised us that we would leave SXSW with Spin magazine calling us a “BREAK-OUT BAND —THE ARCADE FIRE, THE DECEMBERISTS, AND PANTERA HAVING A LOVE CHILD WITH A PARTICULARLY FEROCIOUS OCELET.”  Instead, not only did none of these pompous bloggers have any clue about Infinite Transgression playing their shows, they pretended they didn’t even know who we were — an outright lie considering that Hannibal Moncrief has been sending them personalized e-mails since 2004, when Fluxblog invented the Internet.  Hannibal Moncrief has respect for the medium and understands that having an online presence is a vital component of any indie band’s buzz strategy in 2010, but the bloggers here are acting like gladhanding gatches.

Take Aquarium Drunkard for instance. He did not invent the Internet, but he has been vital in helping Hannibal Moncrief understand the difference between freak folk, neo folk, garage folk, and Fuck Folk since Infinite Transgression has been extant. Yet when Hannibal Moncrief showed up at his day party ready to play a spontaneous acoustic set of The Rollins’ Band’s Weight, did the Aquarium Drunkard appreciate his singular savoir faire? Nope. Probably because he was drunk, though not drunker than Hannibal who has been on a 36 hour bender of margaritas, Peach Schnapp’s, and the occasional pinch of Ibogaine. Either way, The Drunkard pretended that Hannibal was just some blog groupie and tried to explain that he does not write a metal blog. Which is fine, Hannibal Moncrief and Infinite Transgression make music that transcends. Aquarium Drunkard, YOU ARE A LIAR.

One Bracelet Is How Not To Do SXSW. Hannibal Moncrief Has So Many VIP Bracelets, He Could Pass for a Gypsy

Hannibal Moncrief had had enough of the indie rock set. He was tired of their flannel, their beards, their absence of mystique. All this talk about authenticity is important, but Hannibal Moncrief knows that authenticity is an artificial construct created by journalists to sell records. He is a protean individual, capable of shifting styles and sounds at the drop of a Gorilla Vs. Bear post.  So he decided to get his fill of the real from attending the hip hop showcase put on by Nah Right and The Smoking Section.  You may be surprised that a man who catapulted to Internet adulation on the back of a Death Metal Power Trio would have such a deep and un-abiding love of rap music, but he’s been obsessed since he discovered the genre via a Paul Wall Pitchfork review circa 2005. In fact, he sent Rivers Cuomo several death threats when he announced his collaboration with Lil Wayne. Hannibal Moncrief was supposed to be the one to collaborate with the greatest rapper of all-times, but was forced to wait in line behind the guy who called his album Raditude. Thankfully, Wayne asked him to play bass on Rebirth, thus fulfilling one of Hannibal’s dreams: redefining rap-rock for the 21st Century.

Hannibal enjoyed the Nah Right/Smoking Section showcase even though Gotty refused to let him freestyle on-stage. Hannibal has bars, son and on Thursday his swag was at an all-time seasonal high of 92 degrees. He’d drop some gems in this blog space, but Hannibal Moncrief doesn’t give out rhymes for free. How else is he supposed to get paid to ghost write for Rick Ross? But if you know Hannibal, you know that he wasn’t just there for the music — he was there to politick until he had a deficit (but preferably a surplus). All the rap bloggers were there — the 2 Dope Boyz, The Rap Radars, and the shmuck paying Hannibal the big bucks to blog for him. Yeah, Hannibal saw Weiss, shunted in the corner, with a pick in his Jewfro, taking notes for his day job. Hannibal walked up to him and told him to stop drinking ice tea and take some Jaeger shots with him. Then Weiss started crying about professionalism and begging Hannibal to score him some pot. Hannibal then lit up a blunt, blew smoke rings in Weiss’ face, and watched him sob softly into his Organic Sweet Leaf Iced Tea (No Honey).

Besides, Hannibal was there to slang some kill to his homie, Freddie Gibbs. At least, Hannibal thought Freddie Gibbs was his homie. Moncrief and Gibbs go way back, back when Hannibal was the token white boy in Gibbs crew, during that epic fall and spring when Hannibal worked as a Teach for America Intern in Gary. There were many things that Hannibal learned that year: how to rob trains, how a pimp’s love was very different from that of a square’s, and how to make a paper airplane out of Lemon Kush. So he didn’t expect Gibbs to refuse to pay him back for the half ounce of chronic that he scored for him. Instead, Gibbs slapped Hannibal across the face immediately after the transaction. Then, when Hannibal tried to employ his pepper spray, Gibbs’ consigliere, Big Will, picked up Hannibal and delivered a Stone Cold Stunner. And did Eskay try to do anything about it? Nah, he just filmed it and told Hannibal that it would make him more famous than the girl who slapped Charles Hamilton.

Hannibal Feels Your Pain, Hamilton 

As Hannibal limped out of the party to sound-check for Infinite Transgression’s 9 p.m. performance at the Free House Sponsored by Stereogum, Zune, and Kotex, he encountered a most unsavory sight: three plain-clothes policeman slapping on the cuffs and reading him his Miranda Rights. Hannibal was a wanted man. At first, he thought Gibbs had snitched on him, but when he was dragged down to the station, the pigs started asking him what he knew about robbing The Fader Fort at Gun Point. Hannibal tried to explain that Levi’s doesn’t make jeans skinny enough to fulfill his unique measurements, but the po-po were having none of it. He tried to call Mr. Rousseau and Arthur Fenstock, but neither of them picked up their iPhones. It was performance time, and instead of Infinite Transgression being called the Festival’s Buzziest Band: LIKE THE BUZZCOCKS CROSS-POLLINATED WITH BUZZ ALDRIN, they were forced to play as a death metal power duo. But Infinite Transgression without Hannibal Moncrief is like a Rose with nothing to bet on, so you could probably read the Twitterfitti on the wall.

When the police found the true culprit and Hannibal was allowed to return back to his couch to crash on, Mr. Rousseau and Arthur Fenstock were waiting. They had a long talk and started making up all sorts of scandalous accusations about Hannibal. They even called him the seven letters  you can’t say on Fader Television: “Hipster.” Hannibal adjusted his Starter Cap, pulling up his snugly fitting Diesel jeans, tightened the laces on his Vintage Reebox Pumps and walked out the door. Hannibal Moncrief is through with Infinite Transgresssion. The world must hear his message unadorned by any trust funded Highland Park hacks. Hannibal is going solo and SXSW is far from over.  You will know Hannibal by the Trail of His Tweets…..