Fun Fact: Sandro Colacicco and I played on the same college baseball team. The experience was a cross between “The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training” and “Major League.” The morale of the story is never steal Sandro or Jobu’s rum. It’s very bad. It’s very bad.   

Baseball has always been therapeutic for me: getting home from work, turning on the television, and watching the Mets bullpen blow a game is practically the only thing you can count during these strange days. Maybe this year will be different, maybe the Mets won’t choke away the 9th inning, and the Cubs will finally win the World Series. Yeah, I wouldn’t count on it, but I can guarantee that any “new” player who has a big season will be accused of using steroids and the new Yankee Stadium will look like a bizarro Wrigley field in the amount of tourists it attracts .

I miss the good old days, when you could sit in the bleachers with a flask of Jack and a joint in your mouth and the only thing you would hear from security was, “you going to pass that?” Now, it’ll be hedge funders with their families and their Lolita wives saying, “Look at A-Rod, I saw his layout in Details magazine, is he really dating Madonna?” Despite these setbacks, the game will move on, with or without integrity, with or without my Jack flask, and with or without Alex Rodriguez’s uber-gay photo shoots. (Yes, I was looking for an excuse to post this picture.)

Dark horse MVP Candidate

Jason Giambi is back in Oakland with his old weight trainer, Bob Alejo, and nothing to lose…except more pride. So you’re the Giambino. You have over 100 million dollars in the bank and the last time you played in Oakland you put up a line of supernatural origins: .342/.477/.660. You were a god amongst the ‘roid users, an unathletic white guy suddenly turned MVP, and then you were caught for the roids, admitted to using them, made fun of A-Rod in a book, and now you’re back in Oakland. What do you do? You do steroids—again, and have a kickass time while doing them. You win your second MVP award as an Athletic, not as a Yankee, always keeping in mind that you aren’t going to the Hall of Fame anyways, so what the fuck do you have to lose? You’ll still be rich, you’ll still be happy, you’ll still ride motorcycles and most importantly, you’ll still have bulging biceps. You might lose that Arm and Hammer deodorant deal, but hey, sacrifices must be made.

Asian import most likely to disappoint (Kei Igawa Award)

Koji Uehara is the winner. I know nothing about him, except that he was signed by the Orioles and “curves” his hat like a dip shit. He does what the worst player on your fifth-grade recreational league did by simply putting a crease in the middle of the brim. At least he doesn’t pitch with sunglasses.

Team that should be permitted to do steroids

Over the last past two decades, the The Pittsburgh Pirates have amassed the worst record in the league  And unlike other historically shitty teams like the Rays, who at least drafted well, the Pirates have drafted such household names as: JJ Davis, Clint Johnston, Bobby Bradley, John VanBenschoten, and Bryan Bullington (who was also the first overall pick in 2002). They haven’t had a winning record since 1992, when Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke were manning the team. It’s gotten so bad in Pittsburgh that the teams new slogan is, “Pride. Passion. Pittsburgh Pirates.”

Playing for pride? That’s what my coach would say to my college team when we were losing 20-2 in the sixth inning in the first half of a doubleheader. I’m starting a petition to the let the Pirates do steroids. Could you imagine what kind of donkey show the LaRoche brother’s would put on? Freddy Sanchez might hit more than nine home runs in a season, and Nate McLouth could win an MVP award. Plus, there’s absolutely nothing to do in Pittsburgh anyways, plenty of time to get some lifting done. And if they still sucked at baseball, at least they could kick some ass. Vote yes on the Pirates steroid preposition.

Reporter who you should never trust

Take your pick, but for the purposes of this article, I’m going to point out the stupidity of Buster Olney. Recently, Olney was quoted as saying that the best hitter in the AL East is Dustin Pedroia. Pedroia is not even the best hitter on his team, where Kevin Youkilis, David Ortiz and Jason Bay are all more valuable batters. Olney also predicted the Mariners to win 90 games in 2008 while winning the AL West in the process. Though Olney is a really nice guy, you think you’d pick up a thing or two after covering baseball for twenty-plus years.

Don’t be fooled:

The Yankees are not as good as people think they are. On paper, they appear to have made bold off-season acquisitions, but what did they really collect? After the Yankees gave away 120 million to a hulking, aging Jason Giambi in the 2001 off-season, they did the same thing this off-season, in Mark Teixeira. While Tex does play a much better first base than Giambi, as does my armless friend, Pat, he isn’t going to be putting up big numbers in year seven or eight of this contract.

As for AJ Burnett, the guy hasn’t pitched a complete season in a non-contract year–ever. And lastly, CC Sabathia and his body are a recipe for disaster. Sabathia didn’t want to sign with the Yankees, he wanted to play closer to his hometown in the Bay area. But he was pressured by the league and his agent, to take the money the Yanks were offering. Is there a worse city in the world for a fat, unhappy, rich man to live in? Sabathia is going to weigh 500 lbs by the end of this contract and will need oxygen between innings.

Finally, the Yanks up-the-middle defense may be the worst in the league. Jorge Posada has no shoulder, Robinson Cano can’t play in cold weather, Brett Gardner is untested, and though I hate to say it, Derek Jeter is downright horrible defensively at shortstop. The Yankees bought this off-season, but they bought in the wrong places.

Do the Cubs have what it takes to win the World Series?

Or rather, does it matter if they have what it takes? The Cubs should run away with the NL Central as they are clearly the most stacked, and balanced team in the division. You like the idea that in a short 5-game postseason series you get to throw out Carlos Zambrano and Rich Harden as your 1-2 punch, and then fight their way through the NLCS and the World Series. But, I wouldn’t bet on it. Right now the Cubs have last years worst and most over-hyped Asian import in Kosuke Fukudome manning center field, historical choke artist Alfonso Soriano in left, and Kevin Gregg as their closer. And while I pointed out the strength of the Zambrano-Harden 1-2 earlier, the odds of them both being 100% healthy in October are unlikely.

So who is going to win the World Series? We’ll have to watch and see, but I can guarantee you it won’t be the Mets.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 at 1:02 am and is filed under Smokin' Dro, Sandro Colacicco. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.