If Kobe doesn’t grow a mullet, the Lakers will take it in June.

Kobe Bryant=Kanye West

Raised in more affluent circumstances than their peers, Kobe and Kanye are not only among the best in their respective fields, they share a severe lack of humility and empathy.  Mutually old world-inclined, Kobe has his Italian roots, and Kanye has his constant craving to become a French man-purse (murse?) designer. Whenever, they don’t get their way, they burst into petulant hysterics–see Kanye at [Insert Awards Show], and Kobe with the refs and Shaq. Both adore diamonds more than any man should. Both shouldn’t give interviews. Both may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Andrew Bynum=Jay Electronica

Possess enormous game-changing potential, but can’t stay on the court long enough to fully realize it. Have to return by the playoffs, if they’re going to deliver on the expectations they’ve engendered.

Lamar Odom=Del tha Funkee Homosapien

Share the tendency to disappear for long stretches of time. One is obsessed with outer space, the other frequently plays basketball like he’s on a different planet. Both have enough natural talent to enter the ranks of all-time greats, but sustain their focus as well as Girl Talk’s Twitter account. Plagued by personal tragedies (Del with a crazed, suicidal ex-girlfriend, Lamar by the death of his infant son),  both have been known to smoke acres of weed.

Pau Gasol=Aesop Rock

White boys in a predominantly African-American field, who are terminally underrated due to their paucity of aesthetic grace and style. Crucial trades (Aesop from Mush to Def Jux, Pau from Memphis to LA) helped turn fledlging challengers into championship contenders. Both speak a language foreign to most Americans. Are prone to making dubious facial hair decisions.

Derek Fisher=Lord Finesse

Ultra-steady vets with little name-recognition, but who understand their role and how to maximalize their impact. Neither are flashy, but due to hard-work and hustle, both often compromise the backbone of winning squads. Loved by coaches/heads for their ability to “Keep it Flowing.”  

 Trevor Ariza-The Game

Products of South LA, who survived dark periods in New York (G-Unit, The Knicks) to flourish at home. Known for their prodigious energy, vertical leaps, and hideous tattoo choices.  Often compared to former Los Angeles Legends–Michael Cooper for Ariza, N.W.A. and Dre for Game. *

Sasha Vujacic-Asher Roth

Nearly impossible to watch/listen to, without wanting to turn off your television/iPod in horror. An utter mystery how they got into the league: pretty boys who conclusively confirm that the world is run according to a brutal Hobbesian order. Were it socially acceptable, both would likely wear headbands all day, every day. Should be exiled to Serbia.

 Jordan Farmar-Bishop Lamont

Highly touted local products with more potential than they’ve been allowed to display. Though they love playing for the home team, they may need to leave their curent systems (the Triangle/Aftermath) to fulfill their true promise.

Luke Walton-Sun God

How is your dad so much better than you?

Adam Morrison=Sage Francis

Probable communists who cry too much.

Josh Powell=Big Noyd

Large individuals, who by fortuitous circumstance, managed to roll with the winners (Mobb Deep circa Infamous/this year’s Lakers squad).   Occasionally useful goons. Powell is not straight out of Q.B., nor does he push an Infiniti.

D.J. Mbenga=Tony Yayo

Would slap children or charge into the stands to protect teammates. Both struggle to master the English language.

Sun Yue=Jin

Are you still playing?

* Of course, this primarily occurs in Jayceon Taylor’s dreams.

Originally Published at LA Weekly/West Coast Sound

Stumble It!

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 5th, 2009 at 3:10 am and is filed under Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.