Sandro Colacicco used to write a blog called naughtybaseball.blogspot.com. He enjoys jenga, gambling, European-style deodorant and a bit of baseball. His ambitions are producing a movie using only White Denim’s “Workout Holiday,” as the soundtrack, and perfecting the making of lime-chili soup. If for any reason you feel inclined to contact him, please write to Sanz14000@yahoo.com.

Dick Vitale once said, “I learned from my mom and dad, who didn’t have a formal education but had doctorates of love.” That’s absolutely true Dicky V, no one will ever take away your doctorate of love, but isn’t there such a thing as over-loving? A little too much PDA? Keep that saccharine shit to yourself, unless you’ve just taken a handful of Blue Dolphins, and in that case, pass the ecstasy to the left-hand side.

ESPN are the hookers of the media–they’re practically contractually obligated to excessively fellate a certain type of human. They’ve got big contracts with almost every major sporting organization and feel obliged to promote their business at any cost. Unfortunately, that cost is my ears, eyes and soul. So with that in mind, I present, ESPN’s Top Dogs.

Tyler Hansbrough

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t hate Dick Vitale. There’s a time and a place for him, and I give him credit for being a “real” Tampa Bay Rays fan. But if I have to hear Dicky V implicitly confess his desire to give Hansbrough his Dicky V, I’m going to send him Evan Longoria’s scalp in the mail, which would leave his team short a great third baseman, but give him a fine head of hair.

Or maybe I’ll just go low-brow and take a giant dump in a box, wrap it up, and send it to him with a giant red bow and a card that reads: “My dearest Dicky V, I’m sorry to say, but the NCAA isn’t going to allow your precious golden boy, frat child, roof-jumping, all hustle kid to play a 5th year of college basketball. Instead, he will be over-drafted because he is an undersized, white kid with no outside game. With much love, Sandro.”

Mike Krzyzewski and the rest of the Duke basketball team

It’s unfair to just pick on Krzyzewski because ESPN loves the entire ACC. LOVES THEM. If there was a girl named ACC, ESPN would dopple-fuck the shit out of her and pray that a pair of 6’9” “all-out hustle” basketball-playing twins popped out. Why the fascination? Why the love? It’s a solid conference no doubt, but not even in the same universe as the Big East, and slightly behind the Big 10 and Pac 10.

But back to Krzyzewki. You can’t deny him the numbers: three National Titles, ten Final Fours, and ten ACC titles over the course of twenty-eight years at Duke. But I’d argue that someone like Jim Calhoun, who gets a fraction of the press Krzyzewki does, has done nearly as much: two National Titles, six Big East crowns, and a much better roster of NBA talent. Calhoun’s produced Ray Allen, Rip Hamilton, Emeka Okafor, Rudy Gay and a number of other stellar NBA products. Krzyzewki has Grant Hill and Elton Brand under his belt, but no one’s really sprouted the way the media thought they would: Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, JJ Redick, Danny Ferry, Shelden Williams, et al.

The Missouri Valley Conference

Why do I even know that the Missouri Valley Conference exists? What the fuck do I care about Creighton, Southern Illinois, and Drake? Why do I know the conference is known for its stellar defense and 3-pt shooting? I’m not from the Midwest, and therefore, there is no reason for this conference to infiltrate my television set on prime-time Saturdays. This is like me, being from the Northeast, making Westerners watch Niagara-Fairfield basketball, but I wouldn’t do that to you because I have feelings and a heart.

Luke Harangody

Any retarded, autistic, legless human being who happens to have a sick jumper….

See Tyler Hansbrough, with a fatter, more box-shaped family. Good for you kid, you have a sick jumper. Your jumper is in fact better than mine and from the looks of it, the rest of your team. But well, right now I want to get the fucking Yankees highlight! Yes, I want to see professional athletes hitting real baseballs and I want it now! I don’t need a six minute segment about a trans-gendered Carnie who plays goalie for a minor league hockey team in Alaska. Please, just give me some highlights, even Dodger highlights will do.

Brett Favre

Brett Favre really just gets the attention that any aging, Wrangler-wearing, former-Packer who cries on TV and fakes retirement numerous times would get. Except, no one else does this because there’s no fucking way they’d still be playing in the NFL if they thre into triple coverage on second and short. ESPN commentators just smile and laugh every time Favre does well, anything, and God forbid, ESPN shows a non-Jet highlight of Favre screwing up a pass. He had a pain-killer addiction and he’s the victim. I have a pain killer addiction and I’m a criminal? What the fucks up with that ESPN?

Sensing a theme? White, Southern/Mid-Western and slightly autistic = money.

But like I said, I understand why things are the way they are, but can’t we just compromise and just show more women’s beach volleyball? That has to fulfill some sort of quota, right? Maybe a little handball? Cockfighting?

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 1:44 am and is filed under Sandro Colacicco. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.