According to the metaphysical mumbo-jumbo of the 5 percenters, 85 percent of the population lacks knowledge of self, five percent follow the righteous path, and the remaining 10 percent are devils with knowledge. I’m not sure where that supreme mathematics leaves me, you, or the ODB–all I know is that it makes 50 Cent, the apotheosis of evil and Rick Ross, blind, deaf and dumb. *

50 essentially admitted this in his first salvo at Ross, when he flashed that insidious smirk and sneered, “I’m going to fuck your life up, for fun. I do this all the time.” Sure, Curtis’ post-Vitamin Water piggy bank is bloated enough for him to watch Degrassi High reunions all day long with Rocksteady Yayo and Bebop Banks, but where’s the challenge in that? 50’s a competitive dude, and one diaphanously desperate to reclaim the top of the pops, a spot he lost when The Mullet Master’s Graduation murked Curtis, ostensibly forcing Formula 50 into retirement.  But like his one-time hero, Dubya, 50’s much too type A to disappear. And like Bush’s brain, Karl Rove, Curtis will use any and all tactics to galvanize his base. After all, this is a guy who studied The 48 Laws of Power  so diligently that he planned a sequel with Robert Greene.

Of course, the last few years haven’t been pleasant for 50. His fanbase started to dwindle when people realized that his songs came in two types: “I am the rap Darth Vader” or “Hey girl, let me buy you Patron and fur, so that you’ll worship my genitalia like a children’s treat.”  Even, Cam’ron “Boxers or Briefs” Giles, roughed him up with “Curtis.” Clearly, the game plan called for 50 to return to his killer cross-over: the scorched earth stunts he’s been employing to great success since “How To Rob” inspired “Clyde Smith.” This beef is about is crushing the enemy completely and “keeping others in suspended terror, by cultivating an air of unpredictability.” And after, this latest massacre, no one will mess with 50 until he’s safely in dentures. .

The Ultimate Tool

But there’s more to the Ross gambit–50 had lacked a coherent narrative, and his enmity with the Miami-based, muffin-bodied, Ross, gives him a compelling plot to drape his bland murder raps on. By buying furs for Ross’ baby mama, he can intimate that he’s taken her to the Candy Shop.  And considering that he exposed Ross’ other ex, Brooke, as an escort, god knows what sort of diabolical plots he and G-Unit are now cooking up at their slumber parties. Certainly not recording their own, “Hit ‘Em Up,” “Drop a Gem On ‘Em,” or “Jack the Ripper.” Hell, we’d be lucky to get a “No Rest for the Wicked.“

But that’s the nature of post-You Tube beef: it unfolds like a series of ever-escalating fraternity pranks. 50 doesn’t need to holler, “I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker,” when he can just give a knowing wink and cue the dulcet strains of Stevie Wonder’s, “Isn’t She Lovely,” while Ross’s baby mama gallivants on 5th Avenue.  This feud has effectively re-written the art of rapper warfare, with 50 using everything from Ross’ C.O. files (dug up by the enterprising Smoking Gun ); to cartoon videos with Ross in police regalia, to vlogs, radio interviews, and occasionally, actual music. With a steady infrastructure of blogs, online magazines and old media ready to disseminate his message, 50 has a steady  stream of vitriol for every news cycle. Intent on vertical integration, 50 even created thisis50.com, which currently serves as a clearinghouse for anti-Rick Ross propaganda. And, I suppose music too.

50 approaches rap like Vince McMahon scripts, performing a cynical and ceaseless kayfabe, with pure entertainment the only goal in mind. The actual grappling/rapping is secondary, just a mere sideshow to the testerone-fest found on Piper’s Pit,  Brother Love, or Miss Info. It’s hard to feel sorry for Ross, the most ursine boss that we’ve seen thus far. With his Crystal-lite mafia don persona, suspect rapping ability, and credibility irrevocably damaged by the Smoking Gun expose, 50 couldn’t help but exercise his most Mephistolean impulses. After all, Nas took shots at 50 on “Queens Get the Money,” and pointedly, there was no response. From Fat Joe, to Ja Rule, to Game, Curtis has built his career on taking out lame shmucks. He might rap a few distracted bars at a Jada, a Cam’ron, or a Nas (”Piggy Bank”) but inevitably always saves his best shots for weaker rivals.

Honestly Though, Put On a Fucking Shirt Already

Were Rick Ross not so cripplingly bovine, he could probably come up with a better line of defense than a) you’re a closeted homosexual and b) you look like a monkey; which are the two most caustic comments he’s yet conceived. What the fuck is wrong with you, Ricky. 50 Cent has a line of condoms, dildos, and a penchant for posing for album covers more homoerotic than a shirtless firemen calendar. Then again, there is the video for for “Mafia Music.” which effectively deadened any lingering hope that Rick Ross had a scintilla of self-awareness or smarts.

Most tellingly, the sharpest lampoon of the last month came from the Lonely Island guys, whose “I’m a Boat,” manages to eviscerate Ross’ entire raison d’ etre. Watching these two buffoons battle is like watching a group of dim-witted sanitarium patients putting on an improvised version of Hamlet: good for a few cheap laughs, but pathetic and troubling in the long run. It goes without saying that “ether” will remain the industry’s preferred verb of destruction for the indefinite future.

Perhaps this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. After all, the acrimony allegedly stems from the pair soulfully staring into each other’s eyes at the BET Awards and mutually deciding that they could never really love. In the end, this sham only exists to keep two  rapper’s fading names hot, and to dupe the media into writing about it, and here I am, wasting words on both of these two knuckleheads. So maybe they both win, while everyone else loses. Because there’s something dangerously empty and contrived about this farce. This is rap beef with no meat.

* Though, admittedly, you could’ve figured that out after a cursory listen to Trilla. 

Download:
MP3: 50 Cent-”Try Me”
MP3: 50 Cent, Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks-”I B The Shooter”
MP3: Rick Ross-”Kiss My Pinky Ring, Curly”
MP3: Rick Ross-”Mafia Music”

Videos:

Stumble It!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 2:26 am and is filed under Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.