Like we always do about this time. 

• In their sisyphean quest to prove that they didn’t peak before I was born, U2 delivered a deliriously dull performance. Bono needs to stay away from prancing on high-risers, it’s unbecoming at his age. And someone also needs to tell them that running their reductive, “OMG, isn’t war bad?” lyrics across a massive video screen isn’t aiding the cause. The main question here is, does the Edge have a walk-in closet filled with entirely black beanies?

• Whitney Houston needs to fall back on the plastic surgery. The woman is starting to look vacuum sealed.

• I’m not sure what the Rock was doing at the Grammys. Then again, I continue to refuse to believe that he is a legitimate film star.  The guy read off the teleprompter like a sawdust Samoan evangelist.

• If I were Justin Timberlake, Al Green is the last person I’d want to collaborate with. Listening to them side-by-side was like switching from Nintendo Wii to an 8-bit console. Except somehow, we appear to be digressing. Also, Timberlake’s ad-lib about, “we call it the general store, because it sells general things,” may have been the most awkward line of the night. Apparently, he assumed that America misconstrued the general store to be a place that sells miniaturized wooden generals.

• Can somebody explain to me how Keith Urban, an Australian, is allowed to sing Country & Western? Don’t you need some sort of redneck pass or something to sing contemporary country? Or at least a mild twang?

From the Darkest Depths of Mordor….

• Robert Plant is starting to look like a long-lost wizard from the Lord of the Rings . Seriously, the guy looks like 85 percent of his day is wasted practicing alchemy. Also, Plant continues to entrench my belief that great rock stars never lose their hair, no matter how great their travails or heroin addiction.

• In his ersatz Sgt. Pepper outfit, Chris Martin looked eerily like the Ali G Show’s Bruno–though he is a far more awkward dancer. Is it too much to ask that the guys taking home the Grammy for Best Rock album could not look like a tribe of undiscovered Anglophile dwarves.  Jay-Z, you’re better than this. At least, you used to be.  Humor me, man.

• I’ve never actually met a Kid Rock fan. According to Soundscan, there are millions of them, but I have never encountered one in day-to-day existence. If I ever do, I’d like to ask them if they’ve ever heard, “Sweet Home Alabama,” or “Werewolves of London.” Because well…”All Summer Long,” really? If Kid Rock is the Rock N’ Roll Jesus, then does this mean Joe C, was Mary Magdalene?

• During the middle of the Jonas Brothers’ collaboration with Stevie Wonder, I received a voicemail from an irate friend demanding that if I didn’t condemn Neil Portnow & Co. on my blog today, that he would be inspired to commit arson. And truly, the ill-fated pairing of Steveland with Hanson part deux, was fairly appalling. But really, this was still somehow better than the time he teamed up with 98 Degrees on the Mulan Soundtrack. 

•  Blink 182 is back together? Who knew that they’d broken up in the first place?

• Say what you want about Katie Perry, she has a talent. Do you know how difficult it is for a vaguely hot girl to sing about her lesbian flirtation, and still make it sound less erotic than a trip to get a dental filling replaced. Also, were the giant fruits surrounding her supposed to be some sort of veiled innuendo towards her true yearnings?

Kanye West’s Wardrobe: Provided Entirely By the “Mo’ Money, Mo Problems” Video

• It’s either wonderful or profoundly depressing that Kanye, clad in a silver shiny suit, batting gloves, and a gentleman’s mullet, is dressed conservatively by his standards.

• Between the rise of Estelle and Adele, I’m convinced that “old lady names” is the new meth. Prediction: 2009 will see the rise of R&B chanteuses, Nan and Gertrude.

• Did Morgan Freeman really just call Kenny Chesney his friend and a true poet? And if so, how does this poet label reconcile with Chesney’s declaration that, “really, my only friends are pirates.” Clearly, this can only mean one thing: Morgan Freeman is a pirate.

• M.IA. looked like a fabrerge egg. “Swagger Like Us,” is still a weak song and I still have yet to be told what a “swagger dagger” means. Strikes against Lil Wayne during this performance: he’s doing the “I’m a Little Tea Pot” dance, and he’s wearing a chain wallet. Also, someone needs to tell Queen Latifah that, in fact, many people have been cooler than Dean Martin. For starters, the rest of the Rat Pack.

•  Kate Beckinsale be thy name.

• Was the decision to pair Dave Grohl with Paul McCartney the result of a Grammy wizard realizing that both men owe their careers to choosing bandmates wisely?

• How does Gwyneth balance her avowed Radiohead fandom with the fact that Thom Yorke once smeared her husband’s band as, “lifestyle music.” Radiohead> every other perfomer tonight, but you already knew that. Yorke was the only performer savvy enough to focus on the performance, rather than on it’s reception.

• While watching T.I. and Justin Timberlake’s transparent bid to trump their artistic bonafides, it’s difficult not to note that the Grammys themselves seem to getting increasingly bold about their naked desire to induce spectacle for ratings purposes. It’s sad and pathetic, like watching a grandparent pimp. Oh wait, that’s just Neil Diamond. Speaking of which, when did he turn into a hybrid of Oliver Stone and my closeted college Model U.N. teacher that used to try to inveigle groups of male students into taking nude hot tubs with him. (The only time, “just say no,” ever worked).

• Why is Jamie Foxx doing a 4 Tops tribute? Was John Legend tired after the inanauguration or something?

• Shouldn’t it have been Keith Richards and John Mayall doing a Bo Diddley tribute, not Keith Urban and John Mayer?

• The tandem of Robin Thicke, Lil Wayne, and Allen Touissant put on the second-best performance of the night. Although, you’d think that with all the exposure Wayne has received to New Orleans brass band music, he’d try to ape that style for his rock album, rather than the cornballer Staind and P.O.D. rip that is “Prom Queen.”

• I can’t be mad about Robert Plant and Allison Krauss taking home the Best Album award. Their performance tonight was outstanding and rewarding old veterans is the committee’s M.O. (see Steely Dan, Herbie Hancock, et. al). Besides, consider this penance for snubbing Led Zep IV. When Wayne records his renditions of the Great American Songbook in 2036, it’ll be his turn.

Stumble It!

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