Gals, at least the ones with whom I am acquainted, like hanging out with throngs of dudes 1) because they like throngs of dude thinking about nailing them even though they have no desire to nail back and 2) hanging out with babes means competition on the way to getting nailed by an undesirable throng of dudes. And who can be bothered with that?

If I am hanging out with three fellas and perhaps we are drunk, maybe one of us is high on drugs, I am positive that one of them is gonna touch my titty. From that titty touch, the possibilities (and future blog posts) are endless.

As for the friendship one-on-ones…women (and men, let’s not fake the funk here) like to feel desired. Simple as that. Girlfriend probably went home after your elima-date and texted her friends like “OMG, I think he likes me, what do I dooo? I feel so bayyyyd but I don’t like him like thatttt.” Even though she gave you every impression that she was feeling you too. Why? Histrionics? No father figure? Low self esteem? So many options, so little panty dropping.

And so, the scenario goes one of two ways: 1) She keeps referring to you as her friend and friending it up with you while texting her other friends about how annoying you are 2) Out of guilt, she makes out with you and maybe gives you the chance for a titty grab of your own leading you down a road that will inevitably end at the cross-streets of Heartache and Blue Balls.

Happy Holidays!

Yeah, I don’t defend that, I’m defending kicking it with someone who’s attractive but to whom you’re not personally attracted. Like there are all sorts of good-looking people out there who just aren’t attractive for whatever reason.

Sounds like the story of your life Zilla haha

¡Dice palabra!

One.

You have no idea how timely and needed this post was for me on this particular day of my life. You, sir, have made one of the worst days of my life infinitely brighter. You are a (Flow) God, Zilla.

As a six-time league MVP of the Jon Cryer/Niles Crane Memorial All-Stars For Heterosexual Men Hopelessly Trapped In The Friend Zone, that post was brilliant. After smashing league records in most hopeless crush, most desperation, most self-delusion, and most whipped without actually getting the pussy - a true heroic performance when I inexplicably let the female friend I’m in love with crash on my couch free of charge for a few weeks after she unexpectedly lost her job and her apartment in a two day span when she was DATING SOMEBODY ELSE - I have been preaching the gospel to my female friends and acquaintances who I feel are not aware of the feelings their male friends have towards them.

It’s amazing the look of abject horror and the levels of utter disbelief and self-delusion some women will cling to when you tell them the truth that their male “best” friend wants to do horrible, unspeakable acts with them. I told my friend, Christine, that without a shadow of doubt that her friend, Steve, was in love with her and she looked like I told her that Santa Claus had raped her grandmother with reindeer antlers. Repeatedly. The confusion, the self denial, the look of guilt, the unseemlyness was palpable. I told her if she doesn’t confront him soon and ask him straight out, it’s going to get unimaginably ugly somewhere down the road.

No heterosexual male willingly befriends an attractive female for the purpose of friendship. It’s not happening. It’s fantasy of the female species. In fact, no male really wants to “hang out” either with women they don’t find attractive, either.

The basic rule of thumb is the further out I go from a liveable part of the city, the more chances I have of getting some ass.

Every female I’ve known that was born and raised in the suburbs had a ridiculous amount of male friends their entire lives. Whether they grew up in Pittsburgh, or Andalusia, or West Chester, or Folcroft, it appears that beautiful babes are surrounded by male “buds” who don’t want to take off their pants as much as they want to drink Coors Light, play Madden, and eat cheeseburgers with them.

Dart responds with:

*Almost spits grape soda on his fresh out of the mailbox copy of Game Informer after reading this passage*

The hell you say! Guys like this are fuckin’ the game up for all of us. Hot female friends are possible but it important to let them aware that you still have a functioning penis and that even though you guys are pals and you respect her you’d also be willing to do so from behind whilst pulling her hair and smacking her ass.

To quote the criminally underrated Canadian emcee Mathematik this post was “on point like spears”.

One.