Zilla Rocca has never attended a conference for stuttering children, though he lives by Big Pun’s credo that even if you stutter, he will still sh…sh…shit on you.
Good friends and fans of The Passion and Clap Cowards, I feel like we’re family—you can borrow my Murs CD and never give it back, I can crash on your futon after a show in your town, we both hate the same M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movies, etc. You’ve been gracious enough to read my ramblings, steal my music, and hate on my Justin Timerblake fandom for almost two years now and I am truly grateful. With that said, I feel comfortable enough around you to kick it from the heart, yo. p>
Ladies: what’s with this “friends” bullshit? Much disrespect to Monica and Chandler.
I had a date recently with a nice young lady who thankfully doesn’t read my writing’s online.Before we went out, I noticed her Facebook page had an enormous amount of photos with other dudes in them yet her marital status was “single.” Cool—losers are relegated to being tagged in Facebook photos, not tagging said woman in the sheets.God loves ugly.Beautiful girls love done up men who won’t be getting a nitch of natch.
At the conclusion of our evening, after several cups of lager and games of pool, I went in to seal the deal and, is if she had advance scouts follow my strategies in preparation for a Frito Lay-sponsored college bowl game, she artfully maneuvered my hook and gave me a friendly hug, noting she “had a great time” and POOF! She was out of my car like bats from hell, bullets from a gun, Big O from a buffet missing chicken fried steak . She even texted me later that night thanking me for “hanging out” because it was “sooo much fun J.*”
What the hell just happened?
At no point before or after the evening did I indicate that we were going out as “pals,” two grown folks of the opposite sex meeting up after
These Guys Are So Lame But You Seem Really Cool.
Umm…not really!
No, it appeared that I was a man asking her out on a weekend evening to eat, drink, play pool and watch a band because none of my other 82 male friends/associates/acquaintances were available to do such.
Am I fucking crazy?
The next morning I sat and thought about this over a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch, and I came to realize this:
Every female I’ve known that was born and raised in the suburbs had a ridiculous amount of male friends their entire lives. Whether they grew up in Pittsburgh, or Andalusia, or West Chester, or Folcroft, it appears that beautiful babes are surrounded by male “buds” who don’t want to take off their pants as much as they want to drink Coors Light, play Madden, and eat cheeseburgers with them.
Huh?
I started thinking about the kind of female friends I’ve had over the years, as well as the female friends kept by my homies.We are of South Philadelphia and this is how we get down.We are “friends” with a chick who:
1. We aren’t really attracted to but has a hot friend. The kinda ugly friend becomes our conduit and a bond is formed after the hot chick gets herpes from the bartender at Pop Pop’s II.This is actual friendship that starts out of necessity but evolves into a loyal camaraderie.
2. We are really attracted to but who has an assclown of a boyfriend that we are counting the days until he blows it so that we may swoop in. This moment of vulnerability-turned-hot-over-the-line-friend-sex is the only acceptable time to play Coldplay. Then things get “twisted” and “complicated” and the friendship is ruined. But we score! (Note: this scenario potentially takes years to pay off but is mostly worth it. Not for the impatient nor impotent.)
3. We used to make out with/date/be engaged to but it didn’t work out, however their knack for pop culture references is so enthralling, we get over it and become platonic—until both of us are drunk. Friends with benefits I guess**.
4. We are really attracted to but we have a girlfriend. Sometimes, we try to talk said girlfriend into having a three-way with this “girl friend” and then play it off as a joke when actual girlfriend is insulted and disgusted. “What? I WOULD never do it with Gwen. She’s like my FRIEND, you know? I’m like her big brother.”
5. We are really attracted to but have no guts to make a move, so this friendship goes on and on and on hoping that one day the female has the balls to open her eyes and notice that everything she ever wanted was right under her nose the whole time! Meg Ryan’s seven properties and personal staff of 19 are eternally grateful for these guys. Word to John Cusack.
Sack It Up
Are my urban based friends and I savage, horny, closeminded, traditional, and devious? You betcha! But we are also bold, forward, honest, direct, and manly. These suburb cats, what exactly are they getting out of this arrangement? Do they genuinely cherish the life long bond they have with beautiful females they will never see naked? It’s not like having the one guy friend who is a “sweetheart” to women (note: he’s a pussy)—these American Eagle guys across the board have a squad of chicks in their lives who are totally cool with being seen in a hoodie, sweatpants, and a scrungie on the daily.
Reading over that last paragraph, I sound like I watch Spike TV too much. I don’t. I just can’t get my head around proudly spending time with an available beautiful woman if there is no chase, no romance, no possible rejection, no potential neckgrabbing***. I’m maybe too aware of my maleness and too aware of her female form to get past the platonic gateway—is that some subtle form of sexism in today’s ultra-sensitive culture? If so, I don’t care. You can’t numb attraction, folks. So why did this chick ASSUME friendship from the gate?
One of the ladies that I’m cool with (not friends) said on this subject that she has a bunch of male friends she is extremely close with since childhood. She’s slept in the same bed as one of them and nothing happened, and she would be skeeved out if it did. She’s hooked up with a male friend on a drunken bender and then almost cried when she sobered up because it ruined the friendship.
Vince Neil just committed suicide.
Were things always like this? The majority of chicks I’ve been friends with are women I have yet to kiss, and most of them I end up kissing down the line. But I’ve stopped that practice in 2001 after realizing I never wanted to be the lovable friend ever again. It’s useless to be neutered around someone you are attracted to for the sake of “chilling.” Sure, women are interesting and funny and layered people, and I’m not suggesting interactions solely based on swinging an ep’ on a backstreet. But if that thought is running rampant DURING the interaction, why lie and pretend to be non-threatening/safe/asexual?
Say what you will about South Philly, but guys here do not lack machismo, cockiness, or alpha male tendencies. “Hunters” is probably the best word. I’ve spent a lot of time outside of the concrete and never noticed this epidemic until now.
Where does it come from? Am I totally full of shit? If not, can I add your hot female friends on Facebook?
I’ve said this before, but I’ll leave you all with this quote from one of my best friends. This was his response to a woman he interested in dating who tried to christen their upcoming night out as a “time to hang out as friends:”
“If I wanted more friends, I’d join a book club. I want to date you because I’m attracted to you.”
Needless to say, they are not hangin’ out tonight eating sloppy joes.
*Charlie Murphy was right on “The Boondocks”: bitches love smiley faces.
**What is the proper age limit to cut off friends with benefits? It starts off usually in college but Jerry and Elaine on “Seinfeld” were doing it in their 40s. Do people in their 50s ever text a shorty on some “What’s good witchu? Wanna come over to hang out? I got West Wing on DVR.”
***Used primarily to touch her soul. Kanye’s got David Cronenberg’s Crash on his iPod, yo. Put money on it.
Download:
MP3: Camera Obscure-”I Need All The Friends I Can Get”
MP3: Biz Markie-”Just a Friend”
20 comments
Tray says:
December 11, 2008 at 1:46 am (UTC -7)
I mean, it’s possible to find a woman to be beautiful, objectively speaking, without being attracted to her. It’s extremely possible to find a woman cute without being attracted to her. At the same time, you may still find their company enjoyable. I don’t really see the problem here. If anything, I have a harder time wrapping my mind around hooking up with someone on a regular basis who I don’t find interesting enough to be friends with than I do being just friends with someone who I find attractive. But yeah, maybe that’s what happens when you’re from the Philly suburbs and went to perhaps the single gayest school in the country, certainly in the tristate area.
Zilla Rocca says:
December 11, 2008 at 7:10 am (UTC -7)
Tray:
You need to get some ass, yo.
New Beat Generation: Eff a F Word « zilla rocca’s CLAP COWARDS says:
December 11, 2008 at 7:25 am (UTC -7)
[...] Check out the new Beat Generation over at Passion of the Weiss. [...]
Dr. Chet Rockstone says:
December 11, 2008 at 8:29 am (UTC -7)
This has never happened to me. The key to the game is not giving them time to think.
When you pull up to their house, put the car in park and just get out of the car; don’t wait for them to invite you in. Better to beg for forgiveness than to wait for permission. Once you’re inside take a walk around and say, “Hey! It’s a bed!” If you give a girl time to think you’re asking for trouble.
You’re overcomplicating things Zilla. Girls have broken brains. People with broken brains don’t weigh pro’s and con’s when you give them time, they go with the decision you don’t want and spend the rest of that time you’ve given them finding ways to justify it.
Zilla Rocca says:
December 11, 2008 at 8:37 am (UTC -7)
Dr. Rockstone:
Your advice is once again imperious! That’s my usual MO, but like I said, this chick knew I go to my right before I even got the ball on the wing. She was like Bruce Bowen in the playoffs in ’03.
But yeah, your methods work 60% of the time everytime! Well done, sir.
Dr. Chet Rockstone says:
December 11, 2008 at 9:23 am (UTC -7)
Hmm… The Bruce Bowen eh? In the event of a Bruce Bowen you need to trick her into playing offense.
The best way to do this is to do something subtle that will force her to question everything she thinks she knows about your offensive tendencies. There’s nothing a girl hates more than a guy who is predictable, but there’s nothing a girl wants more than to be able to predict what a guy will do. Hence broken brains.
christine says:
December 11, 2008 at 10:05 am (UTC -7)
yo, zilla. phillip mitchell called. he wants his post back.
p.s.- remember when i pwnd you in halo 3 last night? that was sooo much fun.
Sach says:
December 11, 2008 at 10:50 am (UTC -7)
Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch. on point as a motherfucker.
That chick with a huge circle of male friends is epidemic around here. Without being homophobic I have no choice but to blame gay men for this trend: they’re raising all sorts of weird friendship expectations no straight man should be obliged to live up to. It’s gotten to the point where if I find out a chick has like 20 guy friends I ain’t even going to follow up on it. The effort/reward ratio just doesn’t make it worth my while.
douglas martin says:
December 11, 2008 at 11:01 am (UTC -7)
zilla, all of my friends IRL are women. now that i think about it, they’re all attractive, as well. and when i come to think about it, there are only two of them whom i haven’t been in any of your five listed scenarios:
1) picked off the pass before i could even dribble the ball. that worked out, because later on, i found out that she’s sort of a basketcase.
2) was, smart, very good-looking, and all that, but we’re just two completely different people (i.e. she’s boring/i’m too weird and artsy and probably don’t make enough income).
the latter scenario is sort of an anomaly when it comes to my particular life, but i do have to be honest and say that i sort of enjoy being friends with mostly attractive girls.
i’m sort of with tray on this one, but most of my female friends have been in my life for at least the past four or five years, so a lot of the girls i meet nowadays could get the book club line.
i do have to say that if she stuffed you at the hole, she knew you guys were going to be “just friends” from the gate. broken brains or not, girls always know what they’re doing. their best trick is convincing you they don’t.
Zilla Rocca says:
December 11, 2008 at 11:10 am (UTC -7)
Christine:
Dude, you TOTALLY cheated last night–I was thinking about taking a dump earlier and then you made me that pastrami sandwich. I couldn’t focus on Halo, yo! We’re the best hot chick friend I’ve never met that a guy could have!
Sach:
Good point–forgot about the Will & Grace Effect if you will. My issue though is that at least ’round here, the suburbs aren’t shooting out gay men, so it’s been ingrained in these ladies long before Anderson Cooper came around. If you break it to them that most of their guy friends want more than that, their face looks like Raja Bell’s when he just found out he was traded to the Charlotte Bobcats.
DM:
Yeah I just like fucking with Tray anytime he types his customary 7 paragraphs as a comment (zing!). I’m not anti-lady friend at all, because eventually you hook up with them at some point anyway. And hanging out with attractive women just to hang out is cool for other social agendas. But I can’t just kick it with someone I’m personally attracted to–it’s maddening. Love ‘em or leave ‘em alone, bro.
PS I just found out this particular chick who inspired this post is a mild basketcase
Dart_Adams says:
December 11, 2008 at 11:39 am (UTC -7)
Zilla wrote:
Every female I’ve known that was born and raised in the suburbs had a ridiculous amount of male friends their entire lives. Whether they grew up in Pittsburgh, or Andalusia, or West Chester, or Folcroft, it appears that beautiful babes are surrounded by male “buds” who don’t want to take off their pants as much as they want to drink Coors Light, play Madden, and eat cheeseburgers with them.
Dart responds with:
*Almost spits grape soda on his fresh out of the mailbox copy of Game Informer after reading this passage*
The hell you say! Guys like this are fuckin’ the game up for all of us. Hot female friends are possible but it important to let them aware that you still have a functioning penis and that even though you guys are pals and you respect her you’d also be willing to do so from behind whilst pulling her hair and smacking her ass.
To quote the criminally underrated Canadian emcee Mathematik this post was “on point like spears”.
One.
Sach says:
December 11, 2008 at 11:58 am (UTC -7)
Re Zilla: this is weird to me because if I want to get laid I have no choice BUT to go to the burbs. Burb chicks are bored out of their mind AND they got those bigass clubs with the lame music and drunk 18 year olds. The city’s the spot full of frustrated indie chicks with 10 guy friends and no hook-ups because their expectations have been utterly warped by HBO, singer-songwriters and fashion catalogues.
The basic rule of thumb is the further out I go from a liveable part of the city, the more chances I have of getting some ass.
DocZeus says:
December 11, 2008 at 12:31 pm (UTC -7)
Zilla-
You have no idea how timely and needed this post was for me on this particular day of my life. You, sir, have made one of the worst days of my life infinitely brighter. You are a (Flow) God, Zilla.
As a six-time league MVP of the Jon Cryer/Niles Crane Memorial All-Stars For Heterosexual Men Hopelessly Trapped In The Friend Zone, that post was brilliant. After smashing league records in most hopeless crush, most desperation, most self-delusion, and most whipped without actually getting the pussy – a true heroic performance when I inexplicably let the female friend I’m in love with crash on my couch free of charge for a few weeks after she unexpectedly lost her job and her apartment in a two day span when she was DATING SOMEBODY ELSE – I have been preaching the gospel to my female friends and acquaintances who I feel are not aware of the feelings their male friends have towards them.
It’s amazing the look of abject horror and the levels of utter disbelief and self-delusion some women will cling to when you tell them the truth that their male “best” friend wants to do horrible, unspeakable acts with them. I told my friend, Christine, that without a shadow of doubt that her friend, Steve, was in love with her and she looked like I told her that Santa Claus had raped her grandmother with reindeer antlers. Repeatedly. The confusion, the self denial, the look of guilt, the unseemlyness was palpable. I told her if she doesn’t confront him soon and ask him straight out, it’s going to get unimaginably ugly somewhere down the road.
No heterosexual male willingly befriends an attractive female for the purpose of friendship. It’s not happening. It’s fantasy of the female species. In fact, no male really wants to “hang out” either with women they don’t find attractive, either.
Dart_Adams says:
December 11, 2008 at 1:56 pm (UTC -7)
*Raises Boston Celtic plastic cup full of Cherry Kool Aid to DocZeus’ previous post*
¡Dice palabra!
One.
Maggie says:
December 11, 2008 at 1:58 pm (UTC -7)
Play this:
http://www.peroxidecomics.com/escape-from-friend-zone-game/fz1.html
Sounds like the story of your life Zilla haha
Passion of the Weiss says:
December 11, 2008 at 2:11 pm (UTC -7)
Eerily what it was like when I visited Philly. Though there was more broken glass and homeless people.
Tray says:
December 11, 2008 at 6:36 pm (UTC -7)
“But I can’t just kick it with someone I’m personally attracted to–it’s maddening.”
Yeah, I don’t defend that, I’m defending kicking it with someone who’s attractive but to whom you’re not personally attracted. Like there are all sorts of good-looking people out there who just aren’t attractive for whatever reason.
Keyser Soze says:
December 12, 2008 at 6:28 am (UTC -7)
Brilliance, pure brilliance.
nicothebeast says:
December 15, 2008 at 10:37 pm (UTC -7)
It’s posts like this that make me happy to be married. Also, it’s kinda funny to hear these stories first hand from my boy ZIlla, sometimes as they are transpiring, more often than not, though, he usually ends up “sealing the deal”.
Nikilla says:
December 16, 2008 at 7:56 am (UTC -7)
Zilla, it’s your Lady Killer here ready to set the record straight on this bitches shit.
Gals, at least the ones with whom I am acquainted, like hanging out with throngs of dudes 1) because they like throngs of dude thinking about nailing them even though they have no desire to nail back and 2) hanging out with babes means competition on the way to getting nailed by an undesirable throng of dudes. And who can be bothered with that?
If I am hanging out with three fellas and perhaps we are drunk, maybe one of us is high on drugs, I am positive that one of them is gonna touch my titty. From that titty touch, the possibilities (and future blog posts) are endless.
As for the friendship one-on-ones…women (and men, let’s not fake the funk here) like to feel desired. Simple as that. Girlfriend probably went home after your elima-date and texted her friends like “OMG, I think he likes me, what do I dooo? I feel so bayyyyd but I don’t like him like thatttt.” Even though she gave you every impression that she was feeling you too. Why? Histrionics? No father figure? Low self esteem? So many options, so little panty dropping.
And so, the scenario goes one of two ways: 1) She keeps referring to you as her friend and friending it up with you while texting her other friends about how annoying you are 2) Out of guilt, she makes out with you and maybe gives you the chance for a titty grab of your own leading you down a road that will inevitably end at the cross-streets of Heartache and Blue Balls.
Happy Holidays!