Thanks to O-Dub for putting me onto this gleeful bit of idiocy.
- If one cannot convince Rihanna to leave her Caribbean Chris Brown love nest to writhe in your video, one must do the next best thing: get her low-budget, Kool-Aid haired, tatted up, Trinidad & Tobagian equivalent.
- If one is a Buddha monk boasting the nickname, Capo, and assessing wardrobe options for their annual champagne extravaganza, it is never a bad idea to rigorously scan the 1986 “Aspen Excursion” Winter Issue of the REI catalog for fashion tips.
- If one is an ascetic pilgrim with the name Juelz Santana, one must cultivate the “Tim Duncan” look. This way, people will perceive greatness instead of your reality: your life as the Sebastian Telfair of rap.
- In one’s quest to produce the most trite celebration of excess, one must go hard to make fun look so dull.
- If pondering ways to top the homo-eroticism of naming one’s crew, “Skull Gang,” the solution is green tea, zen meditation and a champagne-soaked, all-male wet t-shirt contest.
- If one is struck by the insatiable need to “get it on the freeway,” one must drive slow, no matter what they think of Kanye West.
- Stealing four bars from “Big Poppa” in the middle of a verse is always an amenable approach to earning airplay at Hot 97. See also the Tao of Sean Carter.
- If one must mock Lupe Fiasco and his spasmodic snake shimmy spectacular, one must do it well. Using the phrase, “No Lupe,” will suffice.
- Sex shall not be had in the champagne room unless it is had with Juelz Santana Freekey Zeekey, and/or Ron Burkle.
- When searching for a hook-man, satori can only be found from a singer who can serve as his own yin and yang: meaning, he must rip off Akon and T-Pain in equal measure.
- Pop champagne. Pop it hard. Pop it slow. Pop it when ballin’. Pop it when unemployment and economic turmoil are rife. Jones. Dipset for life. (No humble).
Download: (Because I can’t post a song as bad as “Pop Champagne” in good faith)
MP3: The Diplomats-”I Really Mean It”
MP3: The Diplomats-”Who I Am”
13 comments
douglas martin says:
December 1, 2008 at 5:52 am (UTC -7)
no further commentary needed; this was brilliant.
DocZeus says:
December 1, 2008 at 7:29 am (UTC -7)
I never thought I’d hear a Jim Jones song worse than Ballin’ but the Capo comes through. Tim Duncan, indeed.
Deen says:
December 1, 2008 at 10:24 am (UTC -7)
Classic material.
Tray says:
December 1, 2008 at 2:09 pm (UTC -7)
I’m honestly all about this truly progressive slice of pop. Ron Browz is trying to progress with this autotune shit; Kanye, on the other hand, is taking it backwards (and the rest of the line I’m paraphrasing is true of him as well, no Prop 8 yes voter.*) JJ’s contribution, I’ll admit, doesn’t add much to the song, though it’s not like he hasn’t killed remixes in the past – remember “shout out to Rich Boy, we all want to be rich, boy”? Or “walkin around laughing like everything funny (hahahahaha), but it is not a joke…” – okay, maybe that sucked too.
* This is like the flipside of no homo, when you want to say something homophobic while denying your homophobia you say “no prop 8 yes voter.” It’s a bit of a mouthful but it works.
Passion of the Weiss says:
December 1, 2008 at 2:22 pm (UTC -7)
I’m not sure how Ron Browz is taking the art form forward. He sounds like a duller T-Pain to me. Care to explain?
DocZeus says:
December 1, 2008 at 3:33 pm (UTC -7)
Tray-
Dude.
Tray says:
December 1, 2008 at 4:17 pm (UTC -7)
Because he’s so bad! Listen to the intro, he’s just kinda talking into the autotune, not even trying to sing, in this weird syncopated way. And as we all know from Breihan weird = interesting. And the beat is monstrous. And very progressive. Whereas Kanye’s just like, “damn, what I really wish is that I had made Tainted Love. But I was a little kid then, and can’t sing, and am not white, so let’s just kinda make songs in that spirit with autotune.” If I wanted to listen to a retro record, I’d go pick up that Raphael Saadiq shit, they’re even selling it in Bloomingdale’s. Could anyone tell me why this shit deserves more credit than In My Mind? Anyone?
Deen says:
December 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm (UTC -7)
Irony. How I missed you.
Jordan says:
December 1, 2008 at 5:50 pm (UTC -7)
The first person to record tainted love wasn’t white either.
Trey Stone says:
December 1, 2008 at 6:45 pm (UTC -7)
i was gonna ask what tray thought recent “good pop” was over at Doc’s blog, but i guess i just got the answer.
anyway, since sane people seem to agree on this and “Arab Money” sucking, i think now is as good a time as ever for everyone to admit that Browz’s “Ether” beat wasn’t that good either
DocZeus says:
December 1, 2008 at 6:46 pm (UTC -7)
That Raphael Saadiq album is choice. Sooooooo slept-on.
Dart_Adams says:
December 1, 2008 at 6:55 pm (UTC -7)
This is like an episode of Boondocks come to life. When satire and parody meet real life then we’re all in trouble.
One.
Jonathan says:
December 2, 2008 at 12:32 am (UTC -7)
The beat is nice, but the autotune hook is unlistenable. And ignorance + Jim Jones is usually such a winning combination.
I should note, “ignorance + Jim Jones” is a formula like “fish + swimming” or “six + half a dozen”.