Sach O has been described as “like James Bond in an Octagon, with two razors.”

So kid, you’ve been away at Art school for a few months now. You’ve settled into your dorm and hung up your Che Guevara flag and vintage Pixies poster; you’ve tried a few new drugs and you’ve passed at least one test while totally still drunk. Isn’t it time you did something productive…like form a band? Sounds like a good idea, huh? It’ll be just like that Oliver Stone movie with Val Kilmer! You might even get laid! Well, not so fast sport, you can’t just pick up a guitar, find yourself a disgruntled poet as a lead singer, and call yourself the next Weezer, lest you want to sound like the current Weezer. With so many different bands to emulate, how would you know who to sound like? (What? You thought you’d try something original? Good luck with those reviews!) Thankfully I’m here to help: I can’t tell you what to sound like but here are 10 acts that you should definitely not try to sound like if you want any chance of your band standing out. These acts have seen their style recycled so many times that even they don’t want to sound like themselves anymore.

1. David Bowie

Granted we all love Bowie: his persona was the only funny part of that Flight of the Concords TV show and the Berlin trilogy has influenced countless awesome bands…but that’s the problem. Bowie worship is to the 00’s as Beatles worship was to Britpop: a suffocating all encompassing shadow that keeps people thinking inside the box. If young Bowie were around today, he wouldn’t sound anything like an old Bowie record. So make like young Bowie, not like old young Bowie. Get it?

2. The Velvet Underground and Lou Reed

Blah blah blah every band that heard their debut formed a band. Is that why there are so many terrible rock groups with pretentious lyrics and detuned guitars out there? Beloved by indie kids for eschewing pot-driven noodling in favour of heroin chic poetry, The Velvets have been so utterly cannibalized by uncreative rock disciples that most new acts don’t even realise who they’re stealing from. Combine this with the fact that both Reed and his disciples had major insecurity issues with 60’s rock and it’s no wonder contemporary indie is so boring and humorless. Bump some Frank Zappa instead: he thought they sucked balls and feuded with Lou Reed to his deathbed.

3. Joy Division (or most Post-Punk for that matter)

The Velvets for the eyeliner set aren’t quite as imitated as their forebears but that’s mostly because you can’t duplicate Martin Hammet’s production in Garage Band and Robert Smith’s steelo was easier to crib than Ian Curtis’. Still, their influence persists whenever some fauxteur uses the word “angular” and in the fashion sense of millions of emo kids. Take it from New Order: if the band itself can get over Joy Division and learn how to dance, I’m sure you can too. Love for my ears will tear us apart…from your myspace page.

4. Wu-Tang Clan

Wu-Tang may very well be my favourite act ever so it’s with great sadness that I announce that you shouldn’t try to sound anything like them if you’re reading this post. Because if you are, I doubt that you grew up in Staten Island in the early 80’s, checking out Kung Fu flicks in Times Square and battling on the ferry ride back home. Instead, you probably grew up in the suburbs, really liked 36 Chambers and decided to form a rap crew. Chances are you’ll sound incredibly dorky, won’t contribute anything worthwhile to rap music and you’ll end up dropping a Neptunes sound-alike record in frustration 3 years later. Stick to spinning records at 90’s nights.

5. Prince

Biting Prince has become shorthand for “artiness that record labels can sell” among black musicians. The formula is predictable: release a few dope rap records and when you run out of ideas, throw on Signs O the Times and cut a catchy single with a drum machine and a synthesizer. Except that it’s lazy, uncreative and doesn’t even sound that cool and futuristic anymore. Seriously, we need emcees to be on the ball with their next shit: if you guys don’t come up with something new who will? White people? Baby, don’t waste your time, I know what’s on your mind… and you can never take the place of that man.

6. Sonic Youth (or Radiohead for that matter)

Number 6 should have been number 1 to me. Because really there’s nothing the world needs less than another experimental college rock band that’s full of its own shit. Take some anti-depressants, hire a fucking prostitute, get smashed in a club, take a walk in the park…whatever works for you. But under NO circumstances do I want to hear you cut a vaguely noisy, quasi-electronic record for douchy undergrads to slice their wrists to while they complain about how the economy is cutting into their allowance. In fact, if you even considered sounding like these guys, do the world a favour and quit music entirely.

7. Anything 70’s and German

Jah, ze Germans had to vork really hard to make those records: lots of fantastic drumming and innovation to come up with those minimal grooves and some truly talented guitar playing as vell. Vhat’s dis? You vant to do ze same thing by looping up drums in ze sequencer? And you vant to recite bad poetry to it in English? And you’re from Nebraska? NEIN!!!! Das Stopen!!!!

Exception: if you plan to sample the nihilists from the big Lebowski and loop them into your motorik groove. That’d be ok.

8. Biggie, Jay-Z or Nas

Who’s the best emcee? I can’t call it but if you want to be next best, stay away from the big 3. If you spend your time looking up to them like an annoying younger sibling, how am I supposed to take you seriously? Plus no one’s selling records sounding like a 90’s coke kingpin anymore: the Clipse went double wood and the kids are into dancing and non-sequiturs. By all means, if you find some dope boom-bap beats, rip them to shreds but please, do so with originality and forgo the hero worship. And that goes double for 2-Pac.

9. My Bloody Valentine (or Neutral Milk Hotel for that matter)

If you sound half as good as these bands, knock yourself out. These are fantastic musicians whose influence hasn’t been properly synthesized into pop culture on account of their pre-fame disappearances. The only problem is, Kevin Shields and Jeff Mangum are geniuses and you’re not so any attempt at imitating their sound will result in an awful wall of sludge or the acoustic equivalent of a cat in a blender. I miss these guys as much as the next man… but face it: we’re just going to have to play out the originals because there’s no way that your tribute will hold a candle. On the other hand, feel free to crib notes from the new Portishead album.

10. The Smiths

The this, The that…but you’re all just wick-wick wack. Tired naming convention aside, these jaded reactionaries who capitalized on the British music press’ ambivalence towards black/dance music are nothing to emulate. And yet, this decade has bred a surplus of “ironic” bands with campy vocalists, pretentious female fanbases and guitarists that don’t hold a candle to Johnny Marr. Don’t do it.

I can tell you’re still on the fence, perhaps you’ve seen Garden State one too many times? Fine, I’ll compromise, your band CAN sound like the Smiths but here’s a list within a list of reasons your singer shouldn’t sound like anything like Morrissey:

10. 1. Hated on Rap music from the beginning
    2. Essentially invented metro-sexuality years ahead of time.
    3. Militant Vegetarian and PETA member.
    4. Was not referring to Khaled when he said “hang the DJ”
    5. Talks shit about artists, can’t back it up then acts like a bitch.
    6. Histrionic political statements embarrass the left
    7. Ironic infatuation with racism was never funny
    8. Come on: the guy’s a total douche.

Bonus: 5 acts that were played out 10 years ago that sound new again…

The Stone Roses/Happy Mondays: The next big thing. Count on it.

Parliament-Funkadelic and James Brown: funk is back! Seriously!

The Beastie Boys: Hipster rap starts here.

The Beatles: Even death can’t stop these guys. You know someone’s going to sound like them sometime in the next 5 years and make a gang of money.

Stumble It!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 at 1:36 am and is filed under Sach O. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.