- Stuttering to the Airport Courthouse through the steely sludge of A.M. gridlock, I considered the irony of someone selecting me for jury duty. God knows that were the law to nab me for the illegal chimpanzee knife fights I hold in my parking lot, I’d be the last person I’d want on my jury. After all, I’m prone to gross generalizations, chimerical conspiracy theories and a keen avidity for the palliative properties of a medical marijuana prescription. Unfortunately, so is the rest of this county. I feared I was doomed.
- If you get called for jury duty, show up late. Bucking the inherent absurdity of an 8:00 a.m. arrival time, I showed up at five to nine; partially to protest the unholy wake-up call, partially on my correct hunch that the system of justice works on weed head time. More importantly, I wore a t-shirt of a halter-topped woman with a chainsaw. Which, I assumed, would either have me dismissed by noon or stop any and all garrulous goons from starting a conversation with me. (There is only one garrulous Goon, I respect and admire. Well, him and Mike Smrek).
- Waiting in the jury selection room is one of the more gruesomely dull experiences imaginable, though it was kind of weird to see a grim camaraderie settle in. At one point, despite my tacky t-shirt, I found a woman sympathetic to my wild jabbering about the lack of a coffee machine in the vicinity. It was ridiculous; I can’t even tie my shoes while un-caffeinated, let alone render fair and impartial justice.
- Living in Los Feliz/Silverlake, surrounded by a bunch of junior petite, Sparks victims, creates bit of a bubble. At a quick glance, the jury pool looked like the fat, floating coach potatoes from Wal-E, albeit with less cool robots and more blackberries. When I ate an apple at snack break, people looked at me like I was swallowing a gallon of arsenic-laced water.
- Only in Los Angeles will they try to get you amped for jury duty by boasting framed plaques of the various celebrities who had also opted to serve their community rather than face prison or hefty fines. By the computers, I was accosted by signs that read: “Now Playing at a Courthouse Near You: Jury Service, with a cast of hundreds of thousands, starring [insert photo of of celebrity here].” Among the bold-faced names included, Ed Asner, Jamie Lee Curtis, Harrison Ford, Weird Al and bafflingly, Judge Lance Ito. The meta nature was too much for me. I wanted to collapse. Instead, I tried to check my gmail on the abysmally slow court-supplied desktop. A new song from Vince P and Justice? Hmm….
- I’m embarrassed how rattled I got around 4:00 p.m., when they started randomly selecting jurors to go home. The losers would have to continue to another court room to potentially serve six more days. The Founding Fathers had promoted the virtues of a fair trial by jury. Men had died for that and other Democratic principles. And here I was, crossing my fingers, my toes and praying to my pocket-sized Jobu-like Devendra Banhart doll (now available at Insound). When they called my name, I felt like I was an NBA lottery pick, except much poorer, shorter and with less vertical leap. To paraphrase the great Homer, I had embodied the American way: you don’t quit your job, you just do in a half-assed fashion.
Download:
MP3: Chef Raekwon-”Jury”
MP3: 2Pac-”Only God Can Judge Me”
11 comments
DocZeus says:
November 20, 2008 at 8:21 pm (UTC -7)
That’s what you get for voting…
Tray says:
November 20, 2008 at 8:26 pm (UTC -7)
1. The obvious (though maybe too cliched) song for this post would’ve been East Flatbush’s Project’s “Tried By 12.” But yeah, little too cliched and it can never hurt to remind people that Immobilarity isn’t unadulterated garbage.
2. I love 12 Angry Men. Height of 50s bien-pensant liberalism.
Passion of the Weiss says:
November 20, 2008 at 8:58 pm (UTC -7)
Yeah, I’m actually listening to Immobilarity right now. It’s certainly no Only Built 4 Cuban Linx but it’s much better than people say it is.
Tray says:
November 20, 2008 at 9:17 pm (UTC -7)
I just don’t see why it gets all the hate, what did people expect without RZA on the tracks and Ghost on every song? It’d be like pummeling Baldhead Slick & Da Click or Pimpalation. Everyone knows Rae was the third most valuable player on his own record.
Passion of the Weiss says:
November 20, 2008 at 11:20 pm (UTC -7)
I dunno, I remember seeing Guru on that Baldhead Slick and Da Click tour. It was flat-out embarrassing. Never heard the album beyond the goddawful sampler they gave me–not sure if I’ll ever be able to.
Deen says:
November 21, 2008 at 10:43 am (UTC -7)
That Guru shit is terrible. Even the Alchemist beats on that shit were sub-par.
David says:
November 21, 2008 at 6:08 pm (UTC -7)
You know how I escaped jury duty? I told the defense lawyers that I was big admirer of Barry Goldwater. It worked like a charm.
Tray says:
November 22, 2008 at 5:55 pm (UTC -7)
Yeah, Baldhead Slick was trash, but what I’m saying is, no one wastes their breath trashing that record because they understand that Guru without Premo is nothing (not that he’s a bad rapper, but Premo pushes him in the right direction). So why don’t we give Immobiliarity the same treatment instead of being like, “wow, what a terrible follow-up”? He lost his producer and his go-to collabo dude. Cuban Linx is a group album.
Passion of the Weiss says:
November 22, 2008 at 6:09 pm (UTC -7)
I agree. I’ve always looked at Cuban Linx as just as much Ghost’s album as Rae’s. I mean, as Starks put it on “Mighty Healthy:” The world can’t touch Ghost purple tape, Rae co-host.
Tray says:
November 22, 2008 at 11:12 pm (UTC -7)
Yeah, I think that might be the best line a rapper ever wrote about one of his prior albums. Sure beats “Reasonable Doubt – classic, should have went triple.” Although (and you could argue about whether this counts), it’s hard to touch:
Yo, you know how we did on the Infamous album, right?
Aight, we gonna do it again son.
Like I can’t even imagine how that must’ve come off in 1996, but I remember when I bought it in 2003 after playing The Infamous 80 times, and I heard that and was like “oh shit, this shit really will be just as good as the last album.”
Jonathan says:
November 24, 2008 at 11:57 pm (UTC -7)
No coffee? That has to be a ploy by the D.A. I’d probably find a sudden support for the death penalty if I had to serve as a juror uncaffeinated.