The Beat Generation-Girls I Strike Out With
After a long hiatus spent attempting to assassinate Blake DeWitt and blogging at Clap Cowards, Zilla Rocca has returned. If you have yet to hear his excellent new mixtape, Bring Me the Head of Zilla Rocca, download it here. I can assure you that it is better than anything Charles Hamilton and Asher Roth will ever do (no XXL.)
Since releasing my mixtape Bring Me the Head of Zilla Rocca! I’ve been beseiged with anecdotes, requests, and child support payments by ladies and gentleman who want to know how Flow God Zilla really gets down. But instead of pulling back the sheet and giving you the Wizard (no Fred Savage), I’m going to share with you the type of ladies who inspire me to write lewd sex tales because the best love stories come from rejection via girls who like Grey’s “Anatomy” a little too much.
1. Girls who wear hoodies/sweatpants/Uggs. Any one of those pieces by themselves, and I’m done. If they are wearing the Holy Trinity, I am eviscerated like the vampires in “Blade.”
2. Girls who wear those huge “movie star” sunglasses. It makes their face look small and their persona to be overly important. Listen sweethear, we’re both in line at the dry cleaner. Fall back.
3. Girls with full sleeve tattoos or massive pieces that take up more than 22% of their skin. We always start off vibing, and then things somehow go awry. Maybe they’re lesbians.
4. Bartenders. I’ve read and watched “surefire methods” on how to succesfully scoop a hot bartender, but honestly, that’s WAAAY too much effort when you can probably bump into one at a yardsale the next afternoon or something. Also, I never wake up in time to attend yard sales.
5. Strippers. Again, too much work. Sure they smell good, they definitely don’t need YOU paying for everything, and they hate their dad. But the only stripper I’ve seen who was pretty awesome off the poll was D’angelo Barksdale’s chick (and later Lester Freamon’s main boo) on The Wire. ”Velvetina” and “Secret” don’t belong as contact names in my iPhone. But it would help my rap catalogue.
6. Girls I was “friends” with in the 90s. Sometimes an impression is too strong to shake. I give women all the credit in the world for seeing through most guys’ bullshit and alterior motives, so why can’t my female “friends” from the 90s see that I lusted after them and the only reason I didn’t make a move was because they had a boyfriend who later got them pregnant? Your mom knew, your girlfriends knew, and your boyfriends knew. I wasn’t on the phone with you till 1 am about why Jimmy was “an asshole” who got with your “best friend” and your “cousin” for my health. I was a loser with an acne then, now I’m a grown man with skills! RECOGNIZE A TRUE DON WHEN YOU SEE ONE!
7. Girls who are in love with other guys but aren’t assertive enough to decline their number when asked for it by me. This is the equivalent to accepting a friend request from a ”hot hip hop producer with industry beatz, eight bangin’ trackz for $20!!!” on MySpace and you don’t even rap. Get it together!
8. Girls with dark lip hair.
9. Professional girls aged 24-27 who want a “normal” life (i.e. me proposing after dating for a year). I spend most of my time with other industry-type folks (read: insecure artists with minor drinking/drug problems), I am addicted to Netflix and DVR, I spend all my money on CDs and sneakers, and I have an unhealthy collection of toys, doo-dads, Chicago Bears merchandise, and Adidas track jackets. You have a 401K and a cat. This isn’t going to work out.
10. Girls from New Jersey. I don’t know what it is–my deep rooted Souf Filly axcent? The coke I don’t sniff? The Keystone State sensibilties I wear on my sleeve like a tribal band tattoo I can’t afford to lazer remove? The garbage I toss out of my car window onto your drive way? You let me know–we share the same zip code, we eat the same overpriced panini’s at cafe’s on the verge of collape, and we steal the same WiFi from our older neighbors. Girl, I’m here for you. *turns up “End of the Road” and walks with a cane on the beach*
Stumble It!
October 29th, 2008 at 4:13 am
What a return! And you managed to work in “doo-dads,” which I’m personally trying to bring back into the vernacular.
October 29th, 2008 at 6:47 am
[…] Thankfully, my other wartime buddy Jeff Weiss is still alive and kicking. And he’s been gracious enough to let me run amuck at The Passion of the Weiss once again with The Beat Generation, my bi-monthly, bi-sexually, bi-cycle ridingly chronicles of life in the 215. Check out my newest entry here. […]
October 29th, 2008 at 8:07 am
You are definitely subtracting a lot of ‘tang possibilities with this list. No dap to that.
October 29th, 2008 at 8:41 am
“…so why can’t my female “friends” from the 90s see that I lusted after them and the only reason I didn’t make a move was because they had a boyfriend who later got them pregnant? Your mom knew, your girlfriends knew, and your boyfriends knew. I wasn’t on the phone with you till 1 am about why Jimmy was “an asshole” who got with your “best friend” and your “cousin” for my health.”
For real. Single guys do not hang out with girls they aren’t attracted to. It’s just not happening. So why can girls not see that their “best friend” is not madly in love with them? It’s usually clear as day to anybody with a faint pulse. So why do they do this? Sadism? Self-delusion? Massive insecurity? Ugh, I’m so effin’ bitter right now.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Sometimes I think Zilla and I share a brain. Then I remember that he’s a fan of the Chicago Bears and Mad Men then I remember we’re two different people again.
The college girl and the professional girl both have given me headaches over my 33 years of life. They both think I’m “too smart to not go back to school” and they keep wanting to give me money after having copious amounts of sex with me.
I just read^ that to myself and realized I was living the good life. After Obama wins the election I’m gonna get a job.
If McCain wins I’m gonna turn into Spider fuckin’ Jerusalem.
One.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Zill-
Dude, I could have pissed myself. On #2:
Listen sweetheart, we’re both in line at the dry cleaner. Fall back.
hahah, I was dying. Nicely done.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Doc:
“So why can girls not see that their “best friend” is not madly in love with them? It’s usually clear as day to anybody with a faint pulse. So why do they do this? Sadism? Self-delusion? Massive insecurity? Ugh, I’m so effin’ bitter right now.”
They definitely SEE that their best guy friend wants them, but he’s probably a pussy, for lack of a better word. And females can use that to their advantage–a shoulder to cry on, a ride to the mall, all the benefits of having a boyfriend minus the sex and commitment. It’s being an opportunist, and I don’t blame them.
Perfect example: last week my friend met a lady who is a contortionist (for real). She said something like “You seem so awesome! It’s gonna be great being friends with you!” And he stopped right there and said, “Listen, I have enough friends. If I wanted more, I’d join a book club. I’m interested in dating you because I’m attracted to you”
A week later, she’s making him breakfast. True story.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Flood:
“Doo-dads” is highly underrated and needs a return to immenance.
TZR:
When DON’T you hate on me? Haha
Dart:
You need to get down with Mad Men, fam-a-lam.
Scott:
I’ve met some wonderful women in movie star glasses, but when they wear them indoors, yeah…you gotta get a little bit gully.
October 29th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
“They definitely SEE that their best guy friend wants them, but he’s probably a pussy, for lack of a better word. And females can use that to their advantage–a shoulder to cry on, a ride to the mall, all the benefits of having a boyfriend minus the sex and commitment. It’s being an opportunist, and I don’t blame them.”
So…basically sadism. Now here’s an interesting twist.. How does one strike fear into the hearts of women everywhere to stop giving false hope to guys and let them know there will be consequences for pulling that bullshit…
October 29th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Dude, you NAILED it with #9. What is it with these wimmin looking for a ring/mortgage/baby right around the 11-month mark? I mean SERIOUSLY. Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned ’shacking up’? Sigh. I thought I was the only guy with the ‘magical power’ to turn even the wildest party-girl into a boring wifey wannabe hooked on crap like ‘Lipstick Jungle’ in 6 months flat.
And thanks for the contortionist retort. That dude is my new hero.
October 29th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Doc, in this scenario the guy is pulling bullshit by not being honest about what he wants. If it’s so obvious, why not come out and say it and risk rejection? The girl wants a friend, so she treat the guy like a friend, for her there’s no conflict or bullshit or anything.
October 30th, 2008 at 6:25 am
Doc:
“How does one strike fear into the hearts of women everywhere to stop giving false hope to guys and let them know there will be consequences for pulling that bullshit…”
1) Become The Shadow
2) What realistic consequences could you present to a female that would prohibit her from seekimg male friends? Jordan’s right–it’s how you approach a female intially that sets the tone. If you’re agreeable, timid, “sweet,” and easily pushed around, you become a friend. That will never change.
The only POSSIBLE idea I have would be to sleep with your “girl” friend’s best friend/sister/cousin/lesbian lover. It’s not a great strategy, but I’m thinking that a woman who thinks of you as a “friend” doesn’t grasp the idea that you are a redblooded male who likes to have sex, and most importantly, that you want to have sex WITH HER. It might shock her or make her appalled, but again I don’t think it teaches her a “lesson.” It does cast you in a different light though, and if word gets back to her that you’re nice in the sheets, she may be more inclined to cross the friendship line eventually.
I would just take the L and move on to someone else though instead of jumping through flaming hoops.
October 31st, 2008 at 6:35 am
I run into #7 every weekend for real. I need to figure out how to weed her out sometime.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:45 am
I was being a bit facetious with the whole consequences this thing. Although, I’ve found the “scorched earth” policy to be effective if your looking for some form of revenge.