Zilla Rocca also does a mean cover of “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”

I started my day here at “work” as I do any other day: keeping the lights off, drinking some Bolthouse Farms Mocha Cappuccino, and cruising the internet until my eyes open and I can be “productive.” I go to AllHipHop.com first thing every morning to find out what’s the latest on Fat Joe getting clowned by G-Unit, who got shot/arrested the night before, and more info on “albums” I have no intention of ever purchasing (Flo Rida didn’t get a good review!?!? I’m calling Pitchfork right now!). It’s a great site and I’m sure you’re all familiar with it.

However, this morning, the top news headline was:

“Vanilla Ice Charged with Domestic Battery .”

That headline got me thinking: has there been a bigger douchebag than V-Ice the past 15 years in the world of entertainment? Seriously, outside of probably the funniest moment in TV history when he was on that one-off special on MTV (Chris Kattan yelling “VANILLA NO!” as Rob Van Winkle went batshit on the VHS copy of “Ice Ice Baby” with a tiny Louisville Slugger is still the funniest thing he’s ever done), this guy has been nothing but a canker sore in almost all facets of existence. I’m not sure if he’s the Britney Spears of hip hop, or if Britney is the Vanilla Ice of pop music. That question has been pestering zen monks for hundreds of years. Either way, they’re both white trash living off that 90s compact disc money.

How the Academy Ignored This, We Shall Never Know

Vanilla, as I’ll refer to him for here on out (because there’s not a more un-hip hop name) is a master of douchbaggery going all the way back to 1990-his year, baby. Who can forget the infamous MTV News interview where he clearly harmonized the difference between Queen’s “Under Pressure” and his GE appliances anthem “Ice Ice Baby?” C’mon—it’s NOT the same! Even still, the matter was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

“Cool as Ice” was such a shit bag of a movie that only VH1, home of “I Love New York ” and “Celebrity Rehab,” had the balls to re-air it. Did you know Naomi Campbell contributed a song to the soundtrack? Speaking of soundtracks, “Ninja Rap” from “Ninja Turles 2: Secret of the Ooze” is not only an insult to rap fans but to ninjas worldwide. Shinobi should’ve merked Vanilla in his sleep.

Instead of fading away into oblivion like many early 90s gimmicks like the snap bracelet, Right Said Fred, and safe sex, Vanilla kept clawing for the ever elusive hip hop credibility which he only ever had as a breakdancer in Dallas before his rap career took off and he started writing books about his “rough” street life…in Miami. It was 1994 and Vanilla said to himself “Hey that west coast rappin’ is doing pretty good. Time to grow some dreds, smoke weed, and play some synthesizers!” I’m still traumatized by the video for whatever the lead single was off the “Mind Blowin” album. It seemed like every time I turned on the Box, I’d catch Vanilla and his ragamuffin head trying to convince me how rough he was coming from the streets of Dallas…er, Miami. And according to Wikipedia, the song “Blowing My Mind” contains a sample of “Sara Smile” by Hall & Oates. Vanilla Ice: personally setting white people back 20 years with each album.

A Couple Of Bozos (And Clowns too!)

This brings us to my personal favorite era of Vanilla’s “career”: 1994-2001. During this time, he failed a suicide attempt and almost had it reversed by Suge Knight over back royalties from “Ice Ice Baby,” the gift that keeps on giving. One thing about Suge Knight is that he’s not afraid to pistol whip a Blood in front of all the guy’s homies…and yet according to Vanilla, he “took me to the balcony and just talked to me…but it’s funny how the story gets turned around.” Fam, let me explain something to you: you are not street. You are not hood. You are not gully. Suge Knight has rearranged the faces of many men much harder than you, and they’ve taken their vicious beatings quietly and with grace. Your bitch ass was hanging upside off a balcony, seconds away from becoming asphalt pasta sauce. C’mon—it’s NOT the same!

Suge Knight tortures asides, this period of time marked the zenith of Vanilla’s douchery. He collaborated with the Bloodhound Gang, Puddle of Mudd, and Scott Borland, brother of Limp Bizkit’s Wes Borland. He released the most appropriately titled nu-metal album of all time for 1998’s “Hard to Swallow.” The album included the credibility-enhancing metal version of “Ice Ice Baby” re-imagined as “Too Cold,” the “Caddyshack 2” of one-hit wonders. And in ’01, Vanilla decided to appeal to the worst kind of music-fan, the kind who will literally buy anything off a co-sign: Insane Clown Posse’s Juggalos.

2001’s “Bi-Polar” is probably the most accurately titled album for Vanilla and Terrell Owens on a personal level. As a double album on one disc (?!?), Vanilla featured more “alternative metal and contemporary hip hop” with vocals from La the Darkman, Chuck D, and the Insane Clown Posse. Chuck D: you are no longer hip hop. We’ll call YOU. And KRS, you’re still on probation after doing that song with Crazy Town .

Crazy Town: It’s Actually A Suburb of Suckville

So what do we have on Vanilla as of 2001? Annoying gimmicky song? Check. Annoyingly horrific movie based off said song? Check. Rapping for men dressed in rubber turtle suits? Check. Fronting on racing stripes received from Suge Knight? Check. Wrestling in the JCW, the Insane Clown Posse’s wrestling federation? Check. And yet without a strand of dignity left, Vanilla turned his sites to the one medium he could still barrage with his dickhead tattoos and goat-like facial hair: reality TV.

For the past 6 years, Vanilla has sucked from reality TV’s teet like those leeches did to Gordo’s wang in “Stand By Me.” He appeared on “Celebrity Boxing” and got bodied by Todd Bridges. He appeared on “The Surreal Life” as well as “Surreal Life Fame Games.” He performed “Survivor” and “Ice Ice Baby” on NBC’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” VH1 re-animated Vanilla into an even bigger frat boy humanoid on “Remaking Vanilla Ice”. He went onto the “Tyra Banks Show” to kiss and make up with Ron Jeremy after telling kids at Virginia Tech he beat up the well-endowed porn star but “still has love for him.” And he’s currently a contestant on “Ty Murray’s Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge” on CMT, whatever the fuck that is.

All in all, it’s been a great run for one of America ’s biggest hemorrhoids. While not getting fined for allowing his pet wallaroo Bucky and pet goat Pancho to escape in ’04, Vanilla has worked feverishly on rebuilding his street cred in Florida . Instead of working the trap, pretending to work the trap, or buying from the trap to kill himself with drugs, Vanilla has gone another route: spousal abuse. He’s been arrested three times this decade in the state of Florida for assaulting his wife. The same guy who got smashed by Willis from “Different Strokes” on national television has thrice crossed the line any real man wouldn’t: putting your hands on a woman.

The worst part is that if you go on Vanilla’s MySpace, his bio is a whiny, “woe is me” compilation of clichés that makes “Behind the Music” look like the BBC World News. He compares his plight as a shitty, cosmetic rapper/celebrity to that of Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Elivs. He admits to catering his sound, which he hilariously dubs “Metal Molten Hip Hop,” to “the body piercing, tattoo crowd aging from 15 to 25: the same crowd you might find at a Korn, Limp Bizkit or Slipknot show.” His April 12^th show with the Yin Yang Twins at Kappa Sigma Fraternity in Fayetteville , Arkansas has been cancelled. But he will be playing that funky music, white boy at LT’s Bar and Grill in Rockford , Illinois on May 2^nd.

I don’t think I’ve ever had as much utter disdain for a “member” of the hip hop community as I do for this piece of human excrement. And that’s why I stand by my proclamation that Vanilla Ice is the Greatest Douchebag of the Past 15 Years. I wish he would take his own advice from his MySpace bio: “That’s why I didn’t change the name. It doesn’t mean anything.” To those of us not shopping at Hot Topic, you’re goddamn right.

Download:
MP3: 5 0′ Clock Shadowboxers-”No Resolution”
MP3: 5 0′ Clock Shadowboxers-”Weak Stomach”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 12:48 am and is filed under The Beat Generation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.