The Beat Generation: Kiss of a Black Widow
Zilla Rocca is known in some circles as the Philly underground’s version of LL Cool J. This makes Freeway very jealous. And yes, if you were wondering, I will use any and every opportunity I have to post the Bobby Digital album cover.
Now, I know women. I was raised by one. I lived with one. I talk to them everyday. I like to eat with them and take them to see extremely violent films. I’m no ladies man by any means but I’m doing OK. What I have learned from women is this:
1) They will take a free date (dinner, movies, bowling, drinking shooters at Chili’s) from a large chunk of the male population.
2) If they like you enough, they will most likely show you at the end of the date in some kind of physical way.
3) If they think you are the reincarnation of Jon Favreau from Swingers (before he listened to Vince Vaughn and that guy named Sue), they will keep that physical affection to themselves; unless they feel really guilty or actual pity towards you, then you might get a kiss once but that’s it.
4) Just because you get a girl’s number and take her out doesn’t guarantee a kiss on the first date. However, if you are asking a girl for her number, get it, then arrange to take her out, you are hinting that there is some kind of romantic/physical attraction happening that you’d like to explore. It’s up to you to “seal the deal” on the date. If you don’t, refer to rules 1 and 3.
What? Like House of Pain Was Going to Do Anything?
Now, the first date is the audition. You (the man) are simply doing your best not to say anything stupid (“Don’t you just love Larry the Cable Guy?”) in hopes of getting yourself another date. She (the lady) is also up for inspection, however her levels of interest will dictate the outcome of the date. So, your job is to grab her interest and maintain it at a high level. If you do that, then you should be able to go in for a kiss with no problem.
Following that logic, if a girl is NOT interested in you based off your 3 hour audition at Dave & Buster’s, then she will maybe let you kiss her on the cheek, or she’ll give you a hug, or my favorite, give you a handshake, aka “The Crippler.” If the outcome of your first date ends in any of these, you’re most likely going to end up in the Friend Zone. Every guy has a friend trapped in the Friend Zone—a guy with tons of beautiful and available woman at his disposal and they’re all his “pals” or “buds.” He is, to quote Ace Ventura, a “la-hoo-za-her.” Unless he’s gay—that’s a serious untapped resource to straight men everywhere.
Right Now, This is the Most Popular Rapper in the World. Let That Slowly Start to Sink In….
After sharing this with two female co-workers, here’s the responses I got. On a sidenote, they are not 60 years old:
“I never kiss on the first date. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you. If I like you, I’ll kiss
“I wouldn’t kiss a man on the mouth until the third date.”
“You don’t know what is going on with that person’s mouth! They could have cold sores or herpes of the mouth!!!”
“I need a few more dates to check out the man’s mouth to make sure I won’t contract anything from him.”
Help me, people!
October 29th, 2007 at 2:59 am
Zilla,
My only conclusion here is that the females you’re asking reside in a convent. 3 dates for a kiss??!!! Are you kidding me? My guess is that they’re single and miserable: only a wet blankets still gonna be kicking about at Date 3 with no action.
Keep on pushing that mouth on ‘em.
Peace,
Dan
October 29th, 2007 at 3:08 am
Oh, and I’m definitely trying a frozen Kit Kat bar: I’ll get back to you.
October 29th, 2007 at 7:45 am
These girls are lying. If they are feeling a dude they will bypass all of their so-called rules and restrictions and try to crank dat almost immediately. They just don’t want you thinking things about them (being loose) so you don’t think they’re jumpoffs.
Remember, the difference between flirting and sexual harassment is: Is she feeling you or not?
Keep on, Zills.
One.
October 29th, 2007 at 8:30 am
Before I really respond, I want to know if your co-workers are Asian. I’m not kidding.
October 29th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Actually, I was kidding. What I would genuinely like to know is whether these co-workers, or the girl(s) who spawned this post were between the ages of 24 and 30, that dangerous gulf of time where women of my generation lock up the box (and apparently the “other lips” as well)(sick) thinking that the She’s All That/Ten Things/Down to You fantasy could happen to them. Our sisterhood under 24 and over 30 have nothing to be ashamed of by keeping all things loose, mind and body, because they either haven’t realistically entertained the perfection ideal or have resolved to let it go. This is to say that we engage in weird masochistic behavior and applaud ourselves for being strong and holding out, all the while messing shit up with regular, (probably) good guys because we’re so busy being proud of ourselves. We decided that if you had been into us, you would have tried harder and asked us out again even if we didn’t “scam” on the first date; I mean, my Mom always told me that if a man wanted me bad enough, he’d come through stone walls to get me. But if I won’t even kiss him after a date, why the FUCK would he want to bust himself up coming through a stone wall? Zilla, first, I always love your guest posts, and will be embarrassed by the length of this response, but in short you are right, we are wrong, and I get it. And you know what? The answer, if there is one is, this. If you like her, DO IT ANYWAY. Put your pride aside, and nail it. Take back the control! Are you a man, after all? I’ve definitely tried to control a goodnight exchange and have been blown a way when a man just takes it away from me. If Lady X goes for the hug, hug her, then squeeze tight, pull back and kiss her quickly and sweetly. If she goes for the handshake, take the hand, do something chic (faggoty) and kiss it, and then kiss her lips. Keep it short and unintrusive, but do it. And if she kisses you back, definitely put your hand on her ass.
October 29th, 2007 at 9:19 am
The best point you made is with the kit kat.
If this girl chats you up, lets you get her number, and then has you pay to waste an entire evening talking about Nicole Richie and S.C.R.U.B.S. and provides no physical encouragement at the end of said evening?
She’s not biting. She won’t be next time either.
And the women at your job are lying– over-compensating so that no one guesses they are the dirty little fornicators they actually are.
haha
Anyway, good stuff man.
October 29th, 2007 at 10:51 am
You should write more stuff like this and less about how much you hate Nas. Rebecca, please start a blog.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
it should be common knowledge to every man that if a girl doesn’t kiss you on the first date, she doesn’t really like you. i think it’s absolutely justified to not waste her time or yours and call her again; you put a tally mark in the loss column, and you move on.
i’m sure this is true for nearly every guy who has read this post: every girlfriend i’ve ever had, i’ve kissed on the first date.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Dan:
You literally made me laugh out loud with that one. No, they are not from a convent, but you wouldn’t know otherwise. And frozen Kit Kats are aces!
Dart:
I’m on the same page with you, brother. I know chicks don’t like to put it out there to other men, especially co-workers, but I’ve taken out some down-low freaks who fit that description perfectly.
Rebecca:
They are not Asian. They are between 24-30 with kids though.
To answer your amazing essay, I’ve been giving the cheek, the hug…not The Crippler though. However, whenever I “manned up” good things usually happened. I have run into more of these women in the 24-30 range who make you jump through flaming hoops for a number, date, second date, kiss, etc. It wasn’t this hard when I was 20, so you’re right about that one. The hand on the ass is a must in all situations (unless you’re kissing in front of a church or something).
You should hit me up on MySpace to continue this discussion further. THere’s more women I know that need to hear your voice…because bottomline they are FRONTING! Glad you like my column, by the way.
ASK?:
I’ll see you at the company meeting in several hours. Kit Kats rock in all facets. Send us more beats and “don’t ask for shit!”
Deen:
I don’t hate Nas–I was listening to “Hip Hop is Dead” over the weekend and really like the sequencing of it more than any other hip hop album in ‘07. But yes, it seems I’ve struck a nerve with this post. Maybe I can write about chicks who like “Nastradamus” and don’t put out. Thanks for the feedback.
Douglas:
My thoughts exactly. It’s a pretty simple science: you like me, you kiss me. I like you, I kiss you. My percentage of girlfriends via first date kisses is also 100%.
HOLLA!
October 29th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
i give the thumbs up to both this and the “Jay-Z is clearly the shit” post.
i’ll admit, i am still a bit of a la-hoo-zer when it comes to the ladies. so it’s always good readin’ stuff like this. i gotta get my game on track!
October 29th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
What kind of tomfoolery are these women trying to pull??? I didn’t think women still thought like that. It’s just a kiss; unless I’m missing something you didn’t say a full-on tongue exchange. I’ve kissed females on the cheek on the random and got nothing but positive results. If a female likes you enough to go out w/you I’d think she’d be willing to kiss you or at least allow you to kiss her on the cheek. I thought nowadays it was more a question of coitus or no coitus. Tell those chicks to keep it funky and stop frontin.
October 29th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
What does it mean when you get some on the first date? I have a pretty nice streak going and I like to think that the ladies just know what the want and would like to go ahead and get it. Frontin is that old shit.
If a chick likes Nastradamus, I’d be impressed and repulsed at the same time.
October 30th, 2007 at 2:48 am
I just wanted to speak up and say my name is doctashock and I approve of this message. Carry on.
October 30th, 2007 at 5:24 am
Frozen Kit Kats are the shit. I’ll never look back.
Yours thankfully,
Dan
October 30th, 2007 at 5:26 am
Oh, and here’s another Kit Kat tip. Bite off each end of each individual stick and use it as a straw to slurp up your cup of tea or coffee. Tastes great during the process, and simultaneously softens the biscuit inside making the subsequent munch an even greater joy.
whattodowithakitkat.blogspot.com: any willing contributors?
October 30th, 2007 at 11:07 am
yo Zilla
good stuff my man
You think that’s White Out on Soulja Boy’s sunglasses? If so, Im lifting some from the supply closet and bombin Commish on my pair.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:59 am
you know what? FUCK AUDITIONING FOR WOMEN. I’m not putting on a show for any girl. Let them know that through your actions and their level of interest will skyrocket. Since I’ve been back on the market for a month or so now, I’ve found that my best strategy is to just look damn good (which happens for me naturally, some of yall might need some work
) and DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
If she’s wit it, you’ll know. If not, go home and skeet skeet skeet. Either way you’re gettin your rocks off without buying dinner.
Yeah, I know, I’m mad ignorant when it comes to this shit, but it works!