Just to make it clear: (because apparently no one reads these introductions) “The Beat Generation” is Zilla’s column. I, Jeff Weiss, did not write it. However, I did write both “Private Eyes” and “Maneater” for Hall & Oates. I also invented the Roger Rabbit; both the cartoon character and the dance craze.
Everyone’s a rapper: Ron Artest. Tyrese. The back-up guard on the Timberwolves. Randy Savage. Tony Yayo.
And with the massive influx of rappers emerging everyday (thanks Myspace), coupled with the climate of dwindling sales, a serious epidemic of atrocious stage naming has broken out. And to assist my fellow rappers (especially those that started rapping when Killa Season dropped) here’s my official guide to:The 5 Rap Names You Can’t Use Anymore: 2007 Edition.
1) Young/Yung, Lil/Little, Big/Bigg
REASON:. If your name starts with any one of these titles, you will be bagging groceries at Super Fresh within a year of getting your deal or dropping your “street classic” mixtape.
WHO TO BLAME: Jay-Z, every Southern rapper of the past 15 years, Father Time, smoking at a young age, poor eating habits
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Something more realistic, descriptive and creative. Everyone under 5’8’’ shouldn’t be “Lil” and everyone under 25 shouldn’t be “Young.”
EXAMPLES: “Middle-Aged Murda.” “Average Height Wayne .” “Eating Problem Killa.”
2) Famous Mafia/Drug Dealers (Real or Fictional)
REASON: It’s not a good look to take your name from someone who is either A) doing 25 to life and has no personal connection to you, B) was killed by rivals and/or the US Government, or C) was a fictional character who died in a movie that came out before 1995.
That was a cool trend in 1997 before the movement evolved into the current “Young/Lil’/Big” trend that is so popular today. However, this is nothing admirable when naming yourself after criminals who lost to the law, to the streets, etc. Sure, they made $50 million off cocaine in 1986 and have 23 bodies to their name, but they are now someone’s bitch. Or dead.
WHO TO BLAME: 2Pac, The Outlawz, Biggie, Nas, Capone-N-Noreaga, Rick Ross, Freeway, 50 Cent, Brian De Palma, Mario Puzo, Al Pacino, Martin Scorcese
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Republicans. No one from Michael Corleone to John Gotti, is more gangsta than these mothfuckas. They take money hand over fist. They shit on education and the environment in favor of power and “the hook-up.” They start beef. They lie to the government like it’s a sport. They watch each other’s back. And when one of them get pinched, they make sure it’s only a slap on the wrist.
EXAMPLES: Karl Rove. Dick Cheney. George Mothafuckin’ Bush.
3) Short Bus/Pre-Kindergarten Inspired Nicknames
REASON: This is just pathetic. Why on earth would a grown man wanted to be called Tum Tum? That’s the name of the annoying kid in 3 Ninjas. Freaky Zeaky sounds like the fat boy who farts in class and eats dried boogers. Soldier Boy sounds like the name of the slow kid up the block who used to put mud in his hair, play G.I. Joes on the porch alone and shit himself.
WHO TO BLAME: Peedi Peedi, Jibbs, Webbie, Dipset, Bow Wow, women who smoked while pregnant, global warming, Carrot Top.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Really, anything not on this list is an instant upgrade.
EXAMPLES: Here’s some I just made up that are infinitely better than Webbie: Uncle Duct Tape. MC Tire Iron. Matchbook Monster. Rappin’ Dave. Pimp Stamp Collector. T-Politeness.
4) Metaphor/Metafore/Medaphore
REASON: There’s too many rappers with this name and I don’t know why. I think they want to express how poetic or well-read they are. And that’s pompous. Bill Gates doesn’t walk around with bling on.
If you name yourself any variation of “Metaphor,” you resign yourself to two destinies: either as a white nerd rapper who gets murdered at Scribble Jam every year or as a black nerd rapper who flows like Talib Kweli. No one wants either of these.
WHO TO BLAME: Literary majors, Big Pun, Wu-Tang, scientologists, Rawkus Records, HipHopInfinity.com, weed, white people.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: Any other part of speech, while still lame, will not get you lumped into this group. And that again is an instant upgrade.
EXAMPLES: Mr. Preposition. J-Interjection. The Article “A.”
5) Long Acronyms/Overusage of Periods
REASON: Besides being a pain in the ass to type, having a long acronym or overusing periods to spell your name in 2007 is completely impractical. Technology and culture are moving so fast that people don’t have time to remember what those five straight consonants in your name really mean.
“Hey check out the latest album from D.X.E.F.I.N.Q.” I’m not going to ask what that means because I do not give a shit. And adding unnecessary punctuation is tedious—this is hip hop, people. Less is more.
Don’t give yourself an acronym after you’ve had your name for 5 years. Does anyone really believe Memphis Bleek’s name is an acronym for Makin’ Easy Money Pimpin’ Hoes in Style? Then why does he?
WHO TO BLAME: L.E.G.A.C.Y. of Justus League (uber-annoying to type), The Notorious B.I.G., Wu-Tang, DMX, will.i.am, T.I, Big Daddy Kane, The LOX, One.Be.Lo, Mista F.A.B.
ALTERNATIVE NAMES: As much love as UGK gets from fans and bloggers, how the hell did they name their latest album after their ACTUAL name? UGK means Underground Kingz. Their new album is titled Underground Kingz. That’s like KRS-One making an album called Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everybody and no one calling him on his shit. Or Bell Biv DeVoe making an album called BBD. Retarded. Keep it short and simple.
EXAMPLES: Legacy, The Notorious Big, DMX (he named himself after a drum machine and tried to cover it up later—asshole), William, Tee Eye, Underground Kingz.
CONCLUSION
Over the past few years, garbage names in hip hop have become a serious threat to our children, our music and our family values. If you follow these five easy steps, you will ensure the safety of our streets, the sanctity of our hip hop, and the death of characters like Lil’ Chedda Man, Capone Gotti Castro Click, Bum Bum Boy, Met-a-four and M.I.S.T.A. F.L.A.M.E.S. (Major Innovator Sound Tower Alliance Frequently Letting Assholes Make Everyone Suffer)
While you can definitely find many music quizzes to take to help you quiz your knowledge on your favorite musical artists you can also find lots of other kinds of quizzes online. If you’re working on a diet then nutrition quizzes might be what you’re looking for, or if you are graduating high school then career quizzes might prove useful.
21 comments
floodwatch says:
September 19, 2007 at 3:46 am (UTC -7)
My sides still ache from this drop – they keep getting better and better, Zilla.
When is this guy going to get his own blog so I can enjoy this kind of shit on a daily basis? Once a week is not enough!
Ass Hat says:
September 19, 2007 at 4:14 am (UTC -7)
damn. somehow, though, pimp killa thug still slips under the radar. the crafty knave!
Adam says:
September 19, 2007 at 6:33 am (UTC -7)
“Middle-Aged Murda.” “Average Height Wayne .” “Eating Problem Killa.”
This made me laugh out loud. Hopefully some aspiring MCs read this article and take your advice, because I would line up to buy an album by Mr. Preposition for sure. Also, don’t forget to blame LL Cool J for that acronym nonsense. I was thinking about him the other day and how amazing it is he got away with that name.
Dart_Adams says:
September 19, 2007 at 6:50 am (UTC -7)
Damn you, Zila! Now I gotta erase my blog that I did like this and start from scratch. Great work.
One.
GRIFF says:
September 19, 2007 at 7:59 am (UTC -7)
Along the lines of Metaphor/Medafore/Meterphore/etc
Any other one word name like:
Tragic/Tragik, Mystery, Illusion, Dynamik/Di-nam-ic, Verbal/Vergage
Translation “White boy with no flows and no fans” probably still wearin a backpack even tho they got kicked out of high school for selling pot in the bathroom.
“Lemme get that new Pimp Trick Gangsta Click album”
(It all comes back to ‘Kast!)
Ron says:
September 19, 2007 at 9:18 am (UTC -7)
Hahaha, that’s hilarious!
brandonsoderberg says:
September 19, 2007 at 9:57 am (UTC -7)
Great post Zilla- I always thought a rapper should name himself after Gary Webb, the journalist who broke the C.I.A/Cocaine connection story and was maybe even murdered for doing so…that’s hip-hop right?
Dan Love says:
September 19, 2007 at 9:57 am (UTC -7)
Zilla,
These posts really do keep on getting better and better: this was great. Now all I gotta do is find myself a highly talented MC/producer/writer who sees through the bullshit over at my spot…
Peace!
Dan
David says:
September 19, 2007 at 11:31 am (UTC -7)
Best Beat Generation post yet…I’m still waiting for a rapper to call himself MC Scooter Libbey, a name like that is pure gold…gold, Jerry!
shorty says:
September 19, 2007 at 2:22 pm (UTC -7)
Wow…this was a truly awesome post…i can’t wait to link it…i also can’t wait for the first 17 year old rapper from new jersey who starts referring to himself as ‘black Karl Rove’
Average Height Wayne says:
September 19, 2007 at 2:38 pm (UTC -7)
Some of those suggested names are already in use muthafucka.
Anonymous Coward says:
September 19, 2007 at 3:33 pm (UTC -7)
As far as naming yourself after Republicans goes, you forgot Ken Starr.
Zilla Rocca says:
September 19, 2007 at 4:34 pm (UTC -7)
Thanks for all the love, folks. Glad my random observations are helping you pass the time.
****
As a 6th rule, don’t name yourself after dudes who are already out.
In the past 2 weeks, I had friendship requests on MySpace from MarcoPolo and Jonny Blaze. Seriously.
Travis says:
September 20, 2007 at 8:00 am (UTC -7)
Any more I just automatically skip over the “Lil” section on the CD store. There should be some kind of ban on ever using that in an MC name ever again
If I ever start rhyming, I’m going to call myself “MC Onamonapea”…I think it’d work. Think of all the words that could rhyme with that…the possibilities are endless
Anonymous Coward says:
September 20, 2007 at 9:07 pm (UTC -7)
Travis…
There is (or perhaps was) already a group with that name. LA underground, late 90s… Afterlife/Blowed scene… something like that.
Members were Vixxen (f), Puzoozoo Watt, and Slant.
They had a track on OD’s Beneath the Surface Comp.
Here’s some video footage:
http://grandgood.com/2007/08/27/onomatopoeia-footage-puzoozoo-vixen-slant/
ASK? says:
September 21, 2007 at 12:39 am (UTC -7)
Wow. this shit wa realllllly funny. I shed a few tears.
You found a mixtape by a dude named “Lil Young”?! WTF?
Travis says:
September 21, 2007 at 5:43 pm (UTC -7)
Dammit…someone was already named Onamonapea??? Well sonofabitch…there goes my MC career. Might as well call myself “Lil Medaphore Gambino” then.
The Major says:
September 22, 2007 at 12:45 pm (UTC -7)
Shit was funny… too bad these wack rappers don’t take this advice!
Jaz says:
September 25, 2007 at 1:50 am (UTC -7)
Haha…awesome post and so true, you might have sent a few “aspiring” rappers to go back to choosing a new name though…good work
Big Saddam Bin Laden
Album “The Acid Bomb Chronicles”
Blowing up
Sept 11 2008
or something just as stupid.
dipset » The Beat Generation-The 5 Rapper Names You Can’t Use Anymore: 2007 … says:
November 13, 2007 at 5:48 am (UTC -7)
[...] Read the rest of this great post here [...]
paucranda says:
November 1, 2008 at 3:12 pm (UTC -7)
Hmmm… I can be ticklish about my great torch Wanna joke?) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help, after he bites your leg off.