T.I. Vs. TI-85
This week marked the release of one of this year’s most anticipated rap albums, T.I. Vs. Tip., the follow-up to 2006’s T.I.’s hit King, a record that was best summarized by Ian Cohen in just four words: colossal waste of beats.
So far, the buzz on T.I. Vs. Tip has been mostly negative, with its Metacritic score sitting at a tepid 60. But I don’t trust Metacritic and its so-called “algorithms.” So I consulted with a machine that I’ve never known to be wrong, the oracle known as The T.I. 85. Indeed, only the calculator of Kings could analyze the real T.I., an artist so diverse he’s capable of doing both kinds of rap: gangster rap and Southern rap.
Yes, the TI-85 is so powerful it can solve both convoluted Calculus problems and the problem of how to keep occupied during worthless Calculus classes. (I.E. Snake, Drug War, & Tetris, games so addictive I’m surprised the other T.I. hasn’t bragged about selling them). There is only one problem. Namely that of late my ancient calculator is showing the harmful effects of laying dormant for a decade. For some reason, it will only produce out a series of random numbers. Therefore, I have no choice but to interpret the prophecy of the machine
Revelations from the T.I. (85)
Answer: 73
Q: What are the number of minutes on this bloated album.
A: 68
Q: The number of minutes that I’ll never listen to again for rest of my life: (The five minutes of “Watch What You Say to Me” are pretty awesome though. )
A: 2
Q: What are the number of past their prime rappers who somehow manage to out-shine T.I. (Busta Rhymes & Jay-Z)
A: 0.001 percent%
Q: What percentage is T.I. Vs. Tip, guest, Eminem of his former self?
A: 9,832
Q: How many times does T.I. call himself the “King.”
King Louis XIV: A Much Better King Than T.I. (And Probably Capable of Making a Better Album)
A: 4 percent
Q: What is the percentage of the time that the differences between and T.I. and TIP are readily apparent?
A: Infinite
Q: What is the number of tired gangster tropes and 2-dimensional drug-dealer stereotypes that T.I. recycles on this album.
A: 25
Q: How many rap albums have been made in 2007 that are better than T.I. Vs. Tip.
A: 16
Q: The number of bars it takes for T.I. to wear out his presence on any track.
A: Zero
Q: What is the sense of humor that T.I.possesses.
A: 3.3
Q: The score websites would give T.I. Vs. Tip if an indie rock band released a record this derivative, uninspired and straight-up boring.
Download the only thing on this record worth listening to.
MP3: T.I. (feat. Jay-Z)-”Watch What You Say to Me”
July 6th, 2007 at 2:15 am
I don’t know much about T.I., but that King you posted sure has purty legs
July 6th, 2007 at 2:30 am
i used to have that calculator. except it’s called something different in england. much like diddy and p. diddy in that respect.
July 6th, 2007 at 5:17 am
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July 6th, 2007 at 5:25 am
Hahaha… classic post. Thank you for starting off my day with a good laugh.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:10 am
Nice. I’m similarly lukewarm on TI, and also agree that Drug War was awesome. Maybe there’s a reason I got 70s in calculus …
July 6th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Yaaay, I agree. I will never waste my precious time re-listening to this ‘album’. God, it was really terrible, like really, really, really awful.
July 6th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Your AAT instructor would be proud. By the way, who was yours? Mine was Ms. Maloof…
July 8th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
dude, i’m with you on T.I. I just don’t get all the hype.
-Ekko
http://www.berkeleyplace.wordpress.com
July 8th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Pretty hilarious post - I’m actually still sniggering a lil’ bit. Thoroughly enjoyed the Aesop video as well. Your point about - if I understood it correctly - the music press granting more leeway for average or even straight-up bad hip hop compared to other genres is also a solid one.