White Rappers have been in the news a great deal of late, thanks to VH1’s White Rapper Show, a program whose main goal seems to be ensuring that melanin-deficient rappers will be laughingstocks for eternity (see Jamie Radford’s reviews of the show here). Granted, white folk have produced many a fine MC, as my 10 Best White Rappers coming next week will attest to. But all in all, I think everyone knows that most white rappers suck. With that in mind, I’m focusing on the most abominable rappers to ever dupe a greedy label owner into trying to make a quick buck on their color (or lack thereof). This list is a tribute to the few, the proud, the completely talentless. The 10 Worst White Rappers of All-Time.

10. Paul Wall I have this theory that if you showed up to a Ku Klux Klan Meeting and starting playing Paul Wall records while showing the men in white hoods pictures of the Houston-bred Wall, grills intact, you would immediately stomp any feeble notions of racial supremacy. After all, Wall himself is proof positive that regardless of race, color, or creed, most Southern rappers are flat-out retarded. But out of the myriad subpar sub-Mason Dixon line MC’s that have debuted over the past few years, Wall is one of the worst and certainly one of the most lyrically deficient, seemingly incapable of discussing anything beyond liking grills, Impalas, cough syrup and tooth. The dude makes Mike Jones look like a Mensa candidate. You’d think in all those years Wall spent hanging out with Chamillionaire, Mr. “Ridin’ Dirty” could’ve taught his friend how to rap. Still Tippin? More like still sucking.

9. House of Pain/Everlast
There were two albums in my stocking on Xmas Day 1992: Snap’s World Power and House of Pain’s eponymous debut. While I confess to playing the shit out of the first album (c’mon you know “The Power” was the jam), I only played House of Pain once. Why? Because even at 11 years old, I knew one crucial truth: House of Pain fucking sucked. A gimmick if there ever was, the group seemed to be a blatant ploy to capitalize on their Irish ethnicity to sell records in Boston. Keep in mind, DJ Lethal 1/3rd of the group wasn’t even Irish. He was Latvian. Of course, Danny Boy, the group’s anemic fair-haired hypeman was Irish. He also looks like he’s being sodomized on the cover of the debut. As for Everlast. thankfully his name would turn out to be one of the least prescient hip-hop nicknames ever coined. Other than that pitiful Whitey Ford project, he has barely made a peep since HOP folded. Truth be told, its bad enough that their debut has songs called “Shamrocks and Shenanigans” and “Put on Your Shit Kickers,” but these guys will forever live in infamy as the official reason why Wu-Tang got screwed at Tommy Boy, as the label brass picked Neverlast and Co. ahead of the W.T.C. Genius.

8. Northern State
Ever wanna’ hear a bunch of female rappers name-checking Sylvia Plath. Me neither. But a few years ago in the wake of Eminem when white rappers were all the rage, there were about a million articles comparing the Long Island-based trio of Hesta Prynn, DJ Sprout and Guinea Love to Em and/or The Beastie Boys. Except for the fact that they couldn’t actually rap (ok, maybe they were like The Beastie Boys). But before hipsters had discovered coke-rap, it seemed at least conceivable shot that these girls would be the ironic rap fix du jour, with lyrics like “The country’s getting ugly and there’s more in store/but don’t blame me/I voted for Gore/Keep Choice Legal/Your wardrobe regal/Chekhov wrote The Seagull/Snoopy is a beagle.” Whoah…that’s like totally deep, yo. Pass me the organic vegan tempeh and the Kombutcha.

7. Kevin Federline

President Bush’s lame-duck presidency would be much better served if he stopped wasting his time trying to get an anti-gay marriage amendments and instead tried to get a law passed barring celebrity magazines and tabloid TV programs from mentioning this chump. Granted, both seem like equally pointless endeavors but at the very least they would do the nation a public service by barring Kevin Federline from the airwaves and the print media. That way we’ll never have to hear his aborted attempts at rapping again. Prior to hearing Playing With Fire, I didn’t think it possible for Game weed carrier Ya’ Boy to outshine ANYONE on a track. I stand corrected. People have called Federline the Vanilla Ice of the 21st Century. That’s too charitable. He’s the 21st Century Gerardo.

6. Kid Rock

Kid Rock is an enduring mystery in that, I’ve never actually met anyone willing to admit that they own a Kid Rock album. Yet somehow, Bob Richie’s sold over 20 million records. Which leaves me either to believe that my friends have incredibly good taste in music or an incredibly good ability to lie. One of the worst rappers to ever pick up a mic, Kid Rock has veered off in a country-tinged direction in recent years (wisely figuring out that country music fans will purchase albums from anyone with a twang…see Rascal Flatts). But in the salad days of the rap-rock movement, Rock pretended to rap, spitting abysmally stupid lyrics about white trash dudes and the trailer ho’s that love them. Classic cuts included “Yo-Da-Lin in the Valley,” “Wax the Booty,” “Pimp of the Nation,” “I am the Bull God,” and “Balls in Your Mouth.” Dude’s just bawitdabad.

5. Insane Clown Posse
I was put here to put fear in faggots who spray Faygo Root Beer/
And Call Themselves Clowns because they look queer/Faggot2Dope and Silent Gay/ Claiming Detroit when y’all live 20 miles away (fuckin’ punks)/ And I don’t wrestle, I’ll knock You faggots the fuck out/ Ask em About the Club they was at when they snuck out/ After they ducked out when the back when they saw us and bugged out/ (aaah!) ducked down and got paintballs shot at their truck, blaow!/ Look at y’all running your mouth again/ when you ain’t seen a fuckin’ mile road, south of 10/ And I don’t need help from D-12 to beat up two females/ in make-up who make try to scratch me with Lee Nails/ slim anus? You damn right, slim anus! I don’t get fucked in mine like you two little flaming faggots!
Eminem-”Marshall Mathers”

That just had to hurt.

4. Brian Austin Green (A.K.A. Beverly Hills 90210’s David Silver)

Not a lot of people know about it, but circa 1996, at the height of Beverly Hills 90210’s Valerie Malone era, Brian Austin Green released one of the worst hip-hop albums ever made, One Stop Carnival. An album so bad it inspired All Music Guide to call it, “the quintessential misguided celebrity record…pallid, uninspired, and insufferably arrogant, with no acknowledgment that its very existence rests solely on Green’s limited success as a secondary actor on a fading prime-time drama.” It also managed to make the Onion’s list of the Least Essential Albums of the 90s. All this in spite of the fact that it had Tre from the Pharcyde behind the boards. Leading one to believe that Fat Lip wasn’t the only member of the crew hitting the crack pipe. Reportedly, when the album debuted, Green declared to Insider Magazine that “[The album] is kinda like dem little carnivals that come to town with the dog-faced boy — it’s just a jumble of sh*t.” His words. Not mine.

3. MC Paul BarmanTruth be told, MC Paul Barman has infinitely less skills than anyone on this list and should probably be the number one choice for the worst white rapper of all-time (and perhaps the worst rapper of all-time). But since most people outside the hip-hop community haven’t heard of him, he gets the #3 slot. Thankfully, his influence never spread beyond the Trustafarian Reed College set.

It’s hard to quantify exactly why Paul Barman’s music is so bad. I suppose you could pick a number of reasons. 1) His insistence on clever-than-thou irony delivered in a smarmy rich kid tone. 2) His nasally wildly off-beat cadences 3) The fact that he sounds so fucking dorky that he probably got beat up in Hebrew School (by a kid named Eugene Schwartz…mind you). I have no idea who in their right mind would want to hear songs about a guy who makes “grannies panties moist,”who brags about being “hung like an earthworm”, and who willingly calls himself a “cock mobster.” It might be flouting the rules of the Geneva Convention just to play this album in a room full of people at a high decibal level. $5 says you can’t listen to the entire thing without wanting to punch something. Probably Barman

2. Vanilla Ice

Self-explanatory.

1. Limp Bizkit/Fred Durst
Out of any of the white rappers to make the list, Fred Durst is quite possibly the only “artist” to have the ability to incense every living being on the planet. One of the progenitors of the repugnant rap/metal trend that swept the nation during the late 90’s, Durst was easily the lamest, the front man of a band that luckily rode a fluke hit called “Nookie” into fame, fortune and Britney Spears hook-ups. Seven years later, he might be the only musician on earth with absolutely no real fans. The entire hip-hop and metal worlds despise him and his severely inflated ego and nonexistent skills. Hell, even Wikipedia hates Fred Durst, issuing the best biographical ethering I’ve ever read on the site.

According to the Wikipedia entry, Durst has “had intercourse with obese truck drivers as a way to meet his biological father.” He was discharged from the Navy for a wrist injury he got “masturbating.” He was anally raped in jail. He was a gay porn star. And he he had sex with George Michael. Truth be told, if you examine the man’s music, it’s hard not to believe.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 at 1:15 am and is filed under Lists, Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought?, Best Of. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.