It seems that you couldn’t read a Year-End Music discussion without hearing about the unmitigated brilliance of L’il Wayne. And it wasn’t not just the Pitchfork hipster types. Sure, they started this Waynesanity by giving credence to his absurd claims to be the best rapper alive (uh…last time I checked Ghostface, Pharoahe Monch, GZA, MF Doom, Lupe Fiasco, Nas, Camp Lo, Game, El-P, Aesop Rock et. al, were still rapping). But declarations of Wayne’s sheer genius have now become ubiquitous in the non-hipster, non-Internet music critic world. Just check out this unintentionally hilarious Slate article, where America’s top white middle-aged baby boomer music writers make non-ironic statements like:
“Lil Wayne…gets better the more material he puts out and the less he seems to fuss over it. There was Lil Wayne on the mixtape bruiser “Cannon (Remix),” Lil Wayne on that Lloyd single that rips off PM Dawn/Spandau Ballet, Lil Wayne upstaging Outkast on their own record, Lil Wayne indicting the president about his post-Katrina blunders, Lil Wayne freestyling over a Jay-Z beat better than Jay’s written verses, and then Lil Wayne saying in an interview that he’s better than the former king, and being correct.”
It’s enough to bring Walter Sobchack to mind because they’re clearly “out of their fucking element.”And just like Donnie lamely trying to jump in on a discussion about Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, not a single music critic was astute enough to consider the fact that nearly every L’il Wayne verse is practically identical. Sure, one song out of 20 might offer shallow conspiracy theories and therefore be deemed “political.” But for the most part, they’re cookie-cutter and seemingly store-bought. Probably because in all likelihood they are. As. a recent Village Voice article claims, ghost-writing is a standard practice in hip-hop and in all likelihood, Wayne’s “prolific” 2006 was purchased.” Don’t believe me? How else to account for the four albums and 100 songs worth of material he produced in 06, not to mention the countless guest verses, and all of this on the heels of releasing a solo full-length last December. Not to mention Gillie Da Kid has gone on record claiming that he used to write Wayne’s verses. So maybe Wayne did spend last year in isolation with a Thesaurus, cranking our two songs each week, every week, more than any rapper ever, becoming William Shakespeare the moment Gillie left Cash Money. Then again, I highly doubt Shakespeare would give an interview as asinine as this.
Le Tigre’s A Softer Look, I Use it For Catalogues
With that in mind, being the benevolent soul that I am, I’d like to provide my reader’s with an easy way to make some spare income. So pay attention guys, you too can write a L’il Wayne verse, provided you follow these oh-so-simple steps, and within a few minutes you’ll have your very own L’il Wayne verse. Just follow this formula, mail the results to Cash Money Records and you too can get paid. It’s just that simple!
How to Write a L’il Wayne Verse in 10 Easy Steps
1. Pick a Verb. Preferably a verb about running away from the law or from an assailant. I.E. Duck, Run, Dodge or maybe Stop, Drop or Roll. L’il Wayne LOVES stopping, dropping and rolling. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
2. Connnect the verb to some sort of simile. This is crucial. Every single L’il Wayne line must contain some sort of relatively obvious simile. So maybe you can “duck like Scrooge.” “Run like a bloody nose.” Or even “Dodge like Kansas.” You can do metaphors but try to steer away from doing this too often, lest people think that you are a different ghost-writer. That is bad. Also for bonus points talk about how “sweet” you are. L’il Wayne loves talking about being sweet like a Tahitian Treat or some other delicacy high in sucrose.
3. Mention “Slanging Keys.” This is crucial to establish street cred. Don’t pay attention to the fact that L’il Wayne’s been famous since 12 and the only thing he knows about slangin’ is that he speaks with it. After all, if you don’t talk drugs how else can you impress the translucent Dairy Queen-white music critics. This way they can also compare you to the Wire. (Just remember to connect all that “slanging keys” talk with a simile).
4. Declare that you are Weezy F. Baby. This will tell listeners who you are. Sure, they probably already know, but adding The “F” in the middle of the name uncertainly adds to Wayne’s level of class. It makes him seem like F. Scott Fitzgerald. Exactly like F. Scott Fitzgerald. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to ascertain what the “F” stands for. That my friends is a slippery slope. And whatever you do, don’t think about what the “F” stands for while looking at a picture of Wayne and Baby making out.
5. Talk about hustling. Music critics love hustling. Presumably, they are devotees to the energetic style of basketball popularized by players like Ben Wallace, Kurt Rambis and Mark Madsen. This will make them feel at home. If there’s anything music writers know about, it’s hustling.
Why Yes, That Is A Tatoo of Wayne’s Face On Baby’s Breast. I’m Glad You Asked.
6. Talk about Baby. Call him your Daddy. Forget the fact that he’s not actually your Daddy. Forget the fact that the majority of people that call other men “daddy” are prostitutes. It’s unimportant. Mention something that Baby told you. Maybe that he told you that “these bitches is bitches.” Or that he told you to “Turn around and stick out.” (Maybe, he was just quoting Sir-Mix-A-Lot.) Ignore the fact that you call a man named “Baby,” “Daddy.” Let’s just chalk that up to being a New Orleans thing.
7. Make some sort of obvious pop culture technology reference. Talk about IPods. Or Myspace. Or gigabytes. Something remotely technological. It will show that Wayne is not completely retarded (just partially) and might have actually read a newspaper once or twice. Which clearly means he is a genius.
8. Talk about how poorly you treat women. Perhaps you can claim how you’ll “never love a bitch.” Or how you’ll “never give a ho a damn thing.” The more misogynistic the better. This will definitely do much to steer people away from those nasty “gay” rumors.
9. Apropos to nothing, make some sort of remark about Hurricane Katrina. No need to bother making it have anything to do with the rest of the verse. After all, never underestimate white liberal guilt. Any sort of name-dropping will make white liberals feel bad and they will forget the fact that Wayne is a multi-millionaire and anoint him the voice of the people. Also, be sure to make wild ridiculous conspiracy theories like claiming that you heard George Bush blew up the levees. The more absurd the better. Go for it.
10. Proclaim yourself the “Greatest Rapper Alive.”Forget the Fact that Wayne would be lucky to be included in a list of the Top 20 rappers working right now. Most music critics haven’t listened to Hip Hop Made Before 1999 anyway (other than Public Enemy). If you proclaim yourself the greatest, you will be the greatest. Or at least people will be foolish enough to buy this canard.
Now you’re On Your Way To Being Cash Money’s Newest Ghost-Writer. Fame, Fortune (and anonymity) Await You. Feel free to produce your own little Wayne verse in the comments. Or just send it directly to Cash Money. The Ghostwriting Hotlines are open now!
Download:
MP3: Lil Wayne-”Show Me What You Got”
MP3: Lil Wayne-”Myspace”
31 comments
Anonymous says:
January 8, 2007 at 3:57 am (UTC -7)
just got done tending bar for the night and am so fucking tired. thank you for the late night truth-laugh.
Rap Jack Bauer says:
January 8, 2007 at 8:35 am (UTC -7)
Here’s a quick 16 of Lil Weeziana. Before I drop it though, let me preface it by saying I own both Carter albums and both Dedication mixtapes. Weiss, you’re Weezy Verse formula is 100% accurate:
I Hunt like ketchup bottles, pop guns like Crissy bottles
Moving keys like a friendly game of Travel Boggle
It’s Weezie F. Baby, please say the Baby
The Birdman junior, big bird, pass the gravy
Like Thanksgiving, my Daddy done banked me a million
My money’s so cool like the fans in my ceiling
I’m a hustler, ass juggler, girl smuggler
Cook pies in the oven, you’re a crack customer
I am hot, Cash money got the iPod
I segue on them wheely-things, bitch I ride-walk
I treat hoes like my area code
Three of them like my address, their ass is my home
You broke like the leeves in New Or-leans
I rock my BAPE hoodies, shit blue or green
This is the Carter, the best rapper today
We kiss men on the mouth, the rest of y’all is so gay
Passion of the Weiss says:
January 8, 2007 at 10:37 am (UTC -7)
Zilla…all I can say is that you have a bright future ahead of you…Baby is going to be interested in you…VERY interested in you. That was awesome.
CrockTock says:
January 8, 2007 at 3:12 pm (UTC -7)
Here’s my 16, L’il Wayne can buy the rights for…one billion dollars!
I bake pies like Betty Crocker/
Fuckin’ yo daughter like Gaylord Focker/
Writin’ rhymes like an author/
I love givin’ bitches the shocker/
Slang dick like my name was Richard/
Gettin’ this money til I get richer/
With my daddy Baby, we so crazy/
I slap ho’s and pimp bitches til they pay me/
Me and Baby we so cool, cool like swimming pool/
We drill bitches like power tool/
I like to bounce like big titties/
I’m a blow up like George Bush blew up my city/
We stay gritty, and slang rock, we so hot/
Playa hatas and cops all want Weezy shot/
I got this rap shit on lock, like a stone I rock/
Represent the lavender mafia til my heart stop
Passion of the Weiss says:
January 8, 2007 at 3:31 pm (UTC -7)
You and Zilla need to form a supergroup. That’s all there is to it. Critical darlings to be.
Anonymous says:
January 9, 2007 at 1:01 am (UTC -7)
You gotta incorporate the random adlibs…
Yeah, I got em, chea * 3…
I cruise like that love boat, call me the G.O.A.T. (Yeah)
Disagree? Weezy Baby turn you fools into tha titanic (I got em)
I’m manic, but please don’t forget the baby or my apes will go crazy
Your hoes is lazy, mine get that gravy
Money over bitches, got me and my pa that new Mercedes
Born a crack baby, slanging yay lately
Reagan flooded our hoods with that shit greatly
Tha muthafucka there now fucked up our leee-veeees (Katrinaaaaah)
But ya boy still plugged in dem bitches, piss on snitches to maintain my riches
YOUNG MONEY!!!
Fuck this shit. Give weezy some credit or call me stupid, but retarded rap is hard. I still ketchup like mayonnaise though. No homo. Shoutout to Dipset. Chea!
(Can’t believe I wasted my first verse on this).
GentleWhoadie9000 says:
January 9, 2007 at 7:39 am (UTC -7)
back in the day, noixe used to create his own tony hawk 2 lil wayne character because you could make it look like somebody was wearing 2 pairs of drawers
Joey says:
January 10, 2007 at 10:58 am (UTC -7)
Fuck the white rapper show. There’s plenty of unsigned talent right here. Nice work, gentlemen.
And Jeff, you said it all.
911 says:
January 14, 2007 at 9:29 pm (UTC -7)
lmao……
Anonymous says:
February 7, 2007 at 2:43 pm (UTC -7)
you fu*ker…
look how long it took you to analyze lil wayne… half is bull shit and half is the truth…. but while you’re making 8.50 an hour and trying to hate on wayne he’s spittin and makin money and doin his thang… but anyways
lets see you or anyone spit off the top of their head using your 10 BS easy steps … thats alot of steps to incorporate in a song… through freestyle…
the reason why people say hip hop is dead is because the world has lost love… to many haters… and all you fuckers that took an hour to write your 16 bars to make fun of weezy… looking for words to rhyme online can suck a dick….
the mans a artist… appreciate
Anonymous says:
February 13, 2007 at 9:12 pm (UTC -7)
Fuck you bitch Weezy is the greatest at his age the only one better is JAY and hes thirty somethin imagine when wayne gets that old he’ll be da best and Nas new shit is some oxiemoron shit trien to save hip hop when hes killin it with all the chorus chants goin on lil wayne and HOV along with a couple others like Juelz rap would be dead. Get off Nases Nuts and yeah the past rap is good but why hate on the future shit if someone comes out better then lil wayne and disses him all da power to him the lyrical best with the top flow has the right to say hes the best and right now Lil wayne and Jay-z are fightin for that title no other continders
Anonymous says:
February 15, 2007 at 9:58 pm (UTC -7)
To Weiss and all other people considering themselves music critics… step up. There are those who create and there are those who who die holding a magnifying glass, longing for a creation of their own. Lil Wayne’s music is about taking that step up. That’s the ingredient you forgot. That’s why he’s the best. So hear him and live, or hate him and die.
Anonymous says:
February 17, 2007 at 9:16 am (UTC -7)
Word! This article cracked me up big time.
Those who defend Wayne … You must be crazy calling him the best?! His flow is easy-peasy-bread-with-cheasy, his lyrics… Come on! His voice? Well, hard to judge… But still.. Calling him the best?!?!? Check Pharoahe Monch – try to compare (I’m not saying that Monch is the best rapper ever, I’m just using him to give an example of skills) the two of them. Lyrics, flow, voice… Line by line.. Then get back here and tell me you still think that Wayne is the better of those two. Damn…
Anonymous says:
February 20, 2007 at 5:44 pm (UTC -7)
weezy is the man…hes makin mils…everyone is a hater…i bet the fag who wrote this owns both the carters and is gonna buy the carter 3 when it comes out….weezy makes song a hit..who would a listened to “You” by lloyd if weezy wasnt in it…oh yeah a buncha bitches and a few guys who can dance to it..weezy is the new thing…takin over the game one by one…Hov and Nas aint gonna last forever
Anonymous says:
February 27, 2007 at 1:00 pm (UTC -7)
pharoahe monch? even if his voice was unique and his ‘flow’ a little more fresh, he’s not even in the same league as wayne. why isn’t he selling albums? because only useless intellectuals are sold on that calculated lyrical crafting shit. the world runs on soul not brains. thank god most of the world will never start appreciating that useless shit.
Anonymous says:
March 4, 2007 at 11:47 pm (UTC -7)
Everybody who sayin dat Lil Wayne can’t rap aint sayin shit cuz I am a rapper and you gotta listen to da lyrics and not da beat git yo game up dis rap not rock n roll. yall hatin on weezy he paints pictures and he feels what he writin shit much love to em he gittin dough what about you?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous says:
March 9, 2007 at 12:10 pm (UTC -7)
Cheea!!! Dis Weezy in da flesh ya heard, all you non rappin ass niggas need to get off my dick; You’ll internet rappers Im the greatest alive/ I grew up there you couldn’t spend a day in the 5/ 5 ward nigga/ get ya money/ pimpin like hugh hephnere I like my bunnies white/
Anonymous says:
March 12, 2007 at 5:52 am (UTC -7)
Well if weezy need a 16, im definitely the man to talk to; Ima real boss, I should be called Gotti/ the illest spittin, true definition of hard body/ you’ll probably just wish I would die/ but I aint no where near death/ I still got some years left/ if u ask me, Jigga bitchin because he hear steps/ approachin his castle/ what you paranoid im gon pass you?/ the people called me the best rapper alive/ dont they decide?/ so i guess the best rapper is I/ Weezy..F..fuckin..baby/ if u say I aint gettin money, you niggas is fuckin crazy/ but you’ll the fans so pardon me/ you can say what you please, as long as you go out and buy The Carter III/
Anonymous says:
March 12, 2007 at 8:02 pm (UTC -7)
LOL. Left that backpack at home, huh? I can’t believe that you wrote that The Game was better than Wayne. Game’s subject matter is just as redundant as Wayne’s. Smarten up.
Anonymous says:
March 13, 2007 at 12:46 pm (UTC -7)
yo that 16 was fuckin sick…..you’ll hear this?
Anonymous says:
March 13, 2007 at 1:04 pm (UTC -7)
who gives a fuck about a lil wayne, or a fuckin game/ you ask me me all them niggas is some fuckin lames/ they industry hustlers, they care-less about what they fuckin say/ as long as at the end of the day they get their fuckin pay/ and as far as lil weezy, he fuckin gay/ Game??, need i say more, we all know he was fuckin dre/ faggott rappers, im sick of these niggas/ if i was signed, i would exspose the bitch in these niggas/ go to the N.O. smack lil wayne/ backhand, show his bitch ass a lil pain/ Game?? word is 50 beat em up/ he been a dickhead, his deal aint do nuthin but speed em up/……
Anonymous says:
March 23, 2007 at 11:20 am (UTC -7)
what about Young Dro Pleez do sunthin on Dro that shit goin be funny as hell
GUNNZ GALORE says:
March 23, 2007 at 11:39 am (UTC -7)
heres my 16 weezy
I am tha carter/hide yo daughter/weezy flow like water/i go harder/than all ya(no homo)/and yes weezy f get bitches wet/rep my set to the death/hollygrove birdman J.R wrist lookin froze like da top of tha globe/fuck a hoe love her no/i love tha dough/green green green like christmas trees/no ornaments/bush blew up new orleans(Or-Le-Ans)/Im Tha best rapper alive ask my audience/I stunt like my pa and shit/neva get played like I-pods and shit/slang dat game like dre/and i rock like coke on off the boat/shhh weezy just spoke
Gunnz galore says:
March 23, 2007 at 11:55 am (UTC -7)
heres dro 16
Dro flow atomically/whip painted chocolate(chocolee)/cheifin on that broccoli/aint nobody hot as me/honestly/bitches all on top me/haters tryin to drop a g’/but i smoke em like dey smokin me/hopefully/you’ll find somebody dope as me/dope as we/grand hustle/blam bust you/liftin weight look at my damn muscles/chevy look like some damn brussles/green thing hulked up/string beans bulked up/trees pleez spark up/Dro
Juicy J aka Your Flyness says:
April 5, 2007 at 4:25 pm (UTC -7)
Here go a quicc 16 from that nigga Dro
i got the chevy the same color as cavier/
young dro, grand hustle, p$c ya’ll niggaz knowin who we are/
SS impala top drop like a titty bar/
whip the color of cheesecake, now i’m ridin diddy’s car/
dro got the heat, choppa blow a nigga 50 yards/
started with a o, graduated to a bricc of hard/
(a bricc of hard?) yeah nigga, flipped it like a ace in cards/
then i paint my chevy same color as a lightnin rod/
24 inch shoes, rollin on them shaq feet/
interior the same color as some cat meat/
dro blowin dro smoke, chillin on them bacc streets/
me and t-i-p in the bacc bangin fat freaks/
watch fo the hatas, slow it down let the lac creep/
spot em, then i got em, so i strike em like a match be/
till then, i’m ridin chevys, brauds in the bacc seat/
rims on it bigger than a convicts rap sheet, DRO/
Anonymous says:
April 26, 2007 at 3:02 pm (UTC -7)
Yo the person who’s defending lil wayne is probably lil wayne or baby.
GET A LIFE
Zach says:
May 6, 2007 at 10:01 am (UTC -7)
Just because someone is making money doesn’t mean that they are “good”. To all of you who are defending Lil Wayne, do this. Writing about materialistic bullshit is a thousand times easier than writing about something intellectual and meaningful. And to the person who made the comment about how intellectual raps are shit, you’re a dumbass.
Big Baws says:
July 22, 2007 at 6:46 pm (UTC -7)
lmfao whoever think jay-z is the best rapper alive is fucking retarded and whoever think weezy the best rapper alive…….. damn i dont even got time for you….
and lmmfao at the 10 rules on how to make a weezy verse. good shit.
btw rap jack bauer ripped that shit.
D-Dot-Z says:
July 22, 2007 at 7:23 pm (UTC -7)
OOOHH K
Weezy F Baby
yeeh
my rims spin like revolvers/
flows water, i’ll dissolve ya/
cuz its still weezy f baby/
chillin like freezers wit baby/
oh baby its crazy how the verses go/
swing dick like swords n i verse ya hoe/
try to curse me yo, and i pop like corn/
got ya girl blowin like a horn/
i been sworn the voice of the streets/
since bush aint help the city when we in the streets/
watch the dude duck like geese/
but dont forget the f baby please/
cuz the kid hard nothin like fleece/
been famous since superhead got on her knees/
n i got hunid stacks not the drink for ener-gy/
but g’s and millions/
and by the carter 3, billions
WEEEZAY
Anonymous says:
July 29, 2007 at 3:58 am (UTC -7)
I rip off any shit off the top of my head/I’m the Best Rapper alive i mean look at my cred/I don’t have to say much just to impress/You ask if i’m paid i just say yes/Got me leaning on syrup so fucking high/Got 2 pistols on me they don’t wanna fucking try/I roll up blunts everyday/Flying jets so i be high and high while getting paid/B’z Up even though before i wore a blue flag/But honestly i look better with a red flag/No disrespect to the real G’s/But please respect me cus i get cheese/I’m a beast on any beat because yes i freestyle/Got enough money i’ll win any trial/Sell the Work and ballin like i’m supposed to/I’m Weezy Fuckin Baby Who the Fuck are you? BITCH!
Joe says:
November 9, 2009 at 10:08 am (UTC -7)
Peeps can record/write albums quick when needs be. Downfall of iblyss! Not saying I don’t think he has a ghostwriter though. On the subject of ghost writers check out RJD2 song named such