The Year in Review: A Dozen Poorly Written Haikus About 2006’s Most Overhyped Albums
Joanna Newsom -Ys
Witchy Bjork Knockoff
Put Down that Harp
Immediately or else
Bob Dylan-Modern Times
Bob remains the best
but Modern Times
is blonde on blah
My Chemical Romance-Welcome to the Black Parade 
We love Queen
We love makeup
Welcome to the wack charade
TV on the Radio-Return to Cookie Mountain
Its indie. No, it’s gospel
No, it’s Electronica
No, it’s boring.
Man Man-Six Demon Bag
Grow a Beard
Imitate Tom Waits
Hipsters Will Buy Anything
Too Much Cacophony
Musicians Should Write Songs
Not Imitate Car Crashes
Clipse-Hell Hath No Fury
Six Good Songs
Does Not Great Album Make
Please Fire Pharrell
Justin Timberlake-Future Sex/Love Sounds
Good Producer Fools Hipsters
Into Liking Prince Imitator
With Lyrics Like Date Rapist
Gnarls Barkley-St. Elsewhere
Just 3 Good Songs
Rest of Album Terrible
Maybe I’m Crazy. Probably
Annuals-Be He Me
Leader Looks like Jeremy
From Pearl Jam Video
I Wish He Wouldn’t Speak in Band Today
The Knife-Silent Shout
Icy Claustropobic Synths
Sound Like Sprockets Outtakes
Now We Dance?
Guillemots-Through the Window Pane
Music to Nap To
Like Watching Grass Grow
Through the Window Pane
December 11th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
wow, i thought i was the only one who felt that way about gnarls barkley. glad i’m not.
December 11th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
agree with most of your picks, but i’m afraid i love the annuals record and in my opinion joanna newsom runs rings around anything bjork has ever done, still enjoyed the list, i guess we don’t always hear things the same way
December 11th, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Jesus Christ - I haven’t laughed that hard in some time. Well played, Mr. Weiss. Well played.
December 11th, 2006 at 2:44 pm
That Annuals record isn’t terrible or anything, it just bores me and they just aren’t worthy of my hype in my opinion. It’s wildly derivative of Animal Collective, Broken Social Scene and Arcade Fire. They’re young kids and talented. Hopefully, they will improve. Plus, their live show was dull as all hell.
Joanna Newsom sounds like Wynona Ryder impersonating Bjork on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy. I just can’t get past that voice. It drives me nuts.
December 11th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
oh dear my comment got erased, was I being crude?
December 11th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
I didn’t erase any comments
December 11th, 2006 at 3:48 pm
Wow, you need a serious refresher course on how to write a haiku, buddy.
5-7-5, motherfucker. Calling them “poorly written” doesn’t make up for poor math skills as well.
In fact, I’d say these non-haikus are well-written, but poorly categorized.
December 11th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
Touche sir. I clearly have no idea how to write a haiku. But I do know how to dance the robot.
December 11th, 2006 at 4:26 pm
You had me at “robot.”
Oh shit, there was nothing after that in the sentence. Well, then you had me at “the.”
You…had…me…at…”the.”
December 12th, 2006 at 8:52 am
You can write something that captures the essence of the haiku w/o conforming to the 5-7-5 rule. The haiku is more about presenting two disparate images to create a mood or feeling that is otherwise inexpressible. Which doesn’t happen here.
December 12th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Dan, you almost lost me at “captures the essence.” But then got me back with your last line.
Nice work, Weiss.
December 12th, 2006 at 1:01 pm
“Wow, you need a serious refresher course on how to write a haiku, buddy.
5-7-5, motherfucker.”
You shouldn’t really be calling anyone out when you apparently have a third grader’s understanding of haiku.
December 12th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Okay people who are calling me out for having poorly written haikus…maybe you should look at the title of the post where I say just that. I know they aren’t well written or well composed haikus. It’s a joke.
December 12th, 2006 at 1:47 pm
Ace Cowboy–Are you the president of fucking N.A.M.B.L.A. ? I can’t believe people actually post criticisms of fucking haikus. Did you go to fucking Reed College where you mastered the art of the haiku?
Nice job Weiss…your article and your haikus were ill.
December 13th, 2006 at 5:22 am
totally brilliant … best laugh I’ve had in ages.
December 13th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
Even the ones I disagree with are hillarious/on point in their own way.
Ace post!
December 14th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Wayne - Joanna Newsom is better than Bjork?
Can I have some of your crack?
They don’t sell that good shit in my neighborhood.
- Good post. Although I like the Gnarls. And sadly 6 six songs do make a good album. That’s where we’re at right now.
December 14th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
moth effing nails for that Clipse haiku. actually SIX good songs. I say four.
December 14th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
The TV on the Radio one made me roffle, I admit.
December 15th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
WOW… funny shit… especially these two:
“Too Much Cacophony
Musicians Should Write Songs
Not Imitate Car Crashes”
and
“Its indie. No, it’s gospel
No, it’s Electronica
No, it’s boring.”
December 15th, 2006 at 8:10 pm
amen on Windowpane
liked their EP though
December 16th, 2006 at 7:03 am
this article truly proves that any loser with no creativity or wit whatsoever can have a nifty webpage!
i am dumber after reading this.
December 17th, 2006 at 8:57 pm
what about the hold steady??
an old wannabe
screams to get our attention
but really just sucks.
December 18th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
This post is genius. This is why we have blogging.
December 20th, 2006 at 7:11 pm
I can’t say I disagree with our assessement, POW - actually, I probably liked fewer cuts off of these albums then you did.
I don’t think albums matter as much anymore - I’m happy for the few good cuts that are producedh
December 21st, 2006 at 1:45 am
You probably said more in those short album reviews, than all the rest of the bloggers combined
And I can’t say I disagree with your assessement, POW - actually, I probably liked fewer cuts off of these albums then you did.
But I don’t think albums matter as much anymore - I’m happy for the few good cuts that are produced these days