Saudi Arabia Launches Massive PR Campaign

Saudi Arabia has gotten a bad rap in the American Press. At least according to Saudi Arabia. But if a new Saudi-sponsored marketing campaign will have anything to do with it, Americans will learn the truth behind Saudi Arabia’s strict Wahabi interpretation of Islam and its restrictions on women.

“It really is a tragedy that Americans have such a negative mental portrait of the way that Saudi’s treat women,” Ibn-Al-Faisal, a spokesman for Saudi King Abdullah said. “For instance, Americans seem to believe that Saudis refuse to restrict women from driving due to our misogyny. Far from it. We refuse to let women drive because they represent a security threat to the kingdom. Have you ever seen a woman drive well? Let alone in a burka.”

Indeed several Saudi men on the street, confirmed that experiments had been conducted with women drivers in the past. According to popular myth, no woman had ever driven in Saudi Arabia. But that just isn’t true, according to tobacco salesman, Ahmed-Waleed Bin Laden.

“Sure, I have seen several women get behind a wheel and each time they crashed in the middle of the desert. Do you know how difficult it is to remove a car from a 500-foot high sand dune? It’s not easy, let me tell you.”

Bin Laden continued, claiming that Saudi women lack spatial ability.

“I don’t know about what women’s driving capabilities are like in your capitalist and sin-filled wonderland known as America,” Bin Laden continued. “But here, no woman has ever learned to read a map. One time, I told my fourth wife, Malalai, to go feed our Camel, Faldun some goat’s milk. The camel was only 200 feet away. When she hadn’t returned two hours later we had to form a search party. It turns out, she was somewhere in the vast desert, praying that God would return her to her home. And these are the people we are supposed to give driver’s licenses to?”

But in America, a different attitude abounds among the male population, men who consider themselves much too civilized to proscribe women from getting behind the wheel.

“I mean, I wouldn’t exactly say I feel safe driving with my wife,” contractor Tom Jones of Bakersfield said. “She’s got her driver’s license and all, which is nice, but I wouldn’t exactly say that driving’s her forte. But she’s getting better. She was only honked at twice yesterday. I guess I’d go for a ride with her. But I’d definitely wear my seatbelt. Definitely.”

But feminist scholar, Raquel Wilson seemed more emphatic about how necessary it is for Saudi women to receive driving privileges.

“Look, women, might not be the fastest drivers around and they might not cut you off as much as male drivers, but they’ll get you there…eventually,” Wilson said. “And there’s a women in NASCAR these days and women pay cheaper insurance. We all know how evil insurance companies are. Do you think they’re just giving women a better deal because they’re hotter than men? I don’t think so. And besides, haven’t you seen the musical “Annie Get Your Gun,” and heard the song lyric, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better.’ And no musical has ever lied ever.”

But most importantly, according to Al-Faisal, Saudi women aren’t allowed to drive because of a habit picked up from American television.

“We occasionally curse the politics of the heathen Americans and sometimes we praise their love of money and oil. However, one thing that all young Saudi males are consistent on is that they love American popular culture,” Al-Faisal said. “Here in Saudi Arabia, we watch MTV all the time and one habit that Saudi men have made their own is hollering at girls while they drive past them in their Mercedes.’ If women are driving and not walking, who will they have to holler at? No one. We can not let this happen. Saudi Arabia loves hollaback girls and hollaback girls love Saudi Arabia. Forbidding women from driving is imperative to this fabled tradition.”

Posted in The Fakest News in Town, Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Like Drinking Poison, Like Eating Glass

If the magic of Youtube had been around when I was in the 5th grade, there’s simply no way in which this would’ve occured.

Flashback to 1991.

A Young Passion of the Weiss: “Mom, can I please call the Box to order two music videos. They only cost $1.99?”

Mother Weiss: “Fine…just this once and don’t tell your father. ”

For we all know that if my father had seen $1.99 bill that resulted from my burning need to order two music videos from the now-defunct Box music channel, he would’ve hit the roof and demanded that I pay him back from my Hanukkah savings. This would’ve undoubtedly meant that I wouldn’t have gotten to purchase Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic” on tape that same year and my life would’ve been irrevocably changed. Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but I really liked that tape when I was 11.

So for the rest of that afternoon, I sat and watched hour after hour of music videos waiting for my picks to air. Alas they never did and therefore I never had the privilege of getting to see Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” and “Do Me,” music videos, a tragedy that ranks somewhere between that of the Hindenberg disaster and not double-checking that my Strokes press tickets
were for Friday night rather than Thursday (oh yeah, by the way don’t ask about my friday night unless you want to hear a lot of cursing).

Ian has a theory that I tend to agree with in that if you scratch the surface of any 20-something hip-hop fan, underneath there’s someone who can talk endlessly about early 90s R&B. And out of all early 90s R&B, nothing was more appealing to my young ears than Bell Biv Devoe. While I definitely was a major fan of Portrait, En Vogue, Bobby Brown, Boyz II Men, Father MC, Another Bad Creation and Wreckx N-Effect, no new Jack Swing group found more love in my heart than the crew of Michael Bivens, Ricky Bell and Ronnie Devoe.

Their debut album, “Poison,” was a huge smash, and it seemed like the super-group formed from the ashes of New Edition was going to have a long and impressive career. And it wasn’t just BBD, Bobby Brown was blowing up before he decided to become a wanton crackhead and even Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill were forging viable solo careers. Hell, even Tresvant posters made the wall of a young Ashley Banks on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, though they were certainly not prized as much as her Tevin Campbell ones. The members of new edition seemed poised to own the Clinton years.

Yes, BBD was truly on top of the world in the early 90s, as their debut went triple platinum and endeared itself to the musical collection of a young Passion. Hell, I even went so far to buy the remix album W.B.B.D.BootCity:The Remixes, which even my limited musical knowledge knew was terrible. But it didn’t matter, I still breathlessly awaited their follow-up. And then two years later, it finally arrived, as I rushed to purchase their latest opus. 1993′ “Hootie Mack,” only for it to end up making my list of worst musical purchases ever (along with Young Murda Squad’s “How We Livin”, Run DMC’s “Down With the King,” LL Cool J’s, “14 Shots to the Dome,” and Kris Kross’ “Da Bomb”). I was crushed.

After the disaster that was “Hootie Mack,” BBD quickly faded from the scene, as did the New Jack Swing sound that they helped popularize. Soon after, I outgrew R&B music, either due to its inepititude or the fact that I had outgrown the genre. Either way, “Poison” is still one helluva song and one great album. And just check out the video, with its absurd early 90s fashion. People love to rag on how bad people dressed during the 80s, but the Saved By the Bell/Cross Colours/MC Hammer-esque neon palette of 1991 is still my pick for worst fashion trend of the millenium this side of Uggs and Muk-luks.

I mean just check out BBD in their matching outfits that make them look like dancing piano keys, or how about Michael Bivens rocking bright orange pants tucked into a pair of black boots. And check out Devoe’s high-top fade, making him the most ultimate wearer of the high-top fade in 1991 other than Kid of Kid N’ Play. Not to mention, the man had some serious dance moves. Who knew that in 2006, he’d be a real estate agent in Atlanta? (at least according to Wikipedia).

And then there are the moral lessons that BBD taught us.
1: Never trust a big butt and a smile.
2: Use precaution before you step to meet a fly girl
3: Never sleep with a woman who had previously been known to “do” your friends and your crew.

These were important things that every young Jewish suburban child needed to know and who better to teach it than the prophets of BBD.

Not to mention the logical questions that they posed via song, i.e. how did Bivens manage to get himself stuck on top of the basketball hoop in the Poison video. A stepladder? A crane? One could deliberate this for hours.

So check out this slice of 1991, re-live some nostalgia, see some of the worst fashion ensembles ever put together and remember, “Their Music is Mental.”

Posted in Are You From the Lester Bangs School of Thought? | 10 Comments »