Who’s That? It’s Pat

Following the unprecedented success of rapper Kanye West, executives from Sony/BMG music have decided to sign firebrand evangelical leader, Pat Robertson, to a three-album deal. The first album from the deal, Robertson’s rap music debut, “Real Motherfucking Saviors” is slated to drop on March 11 and has already taken the rap world by storm.

“Yo, I just peeped Pat’s flow on the Kay Slay Remix and it was motherfucking bananas,” long-time rap music veteran Funkmaster Flex said. “He knows what it takes to build a buzz on the circuit. Lots of motherfuckers be sayin’ some crazy shit, but ain’t no one gonna’ top Pat Robertson. He makes the Game look like a Sunday-School teacher.”

Indeed, Robertson’s knack for drawing controversy from his sometimes incendiary statements attracted the attention of Sony/BMG brass, eager to promote another rhyme-slinger with a eye on stirring things up.

“When I first heard his demo, I said to myself, this is a man who knows his rap music. You might not think he is familiar with ‘the game,’ but he certainly could’ve taught that Tupac Shakur fellow a thing or two,” Andrew Goldstein, the vice-president of A&R at Sony/BMG said. “When Kanye West’s sales shot up after his controversial comments about George Bush, my boss said to me, ‘Andrew find me the next Kanye. Or you’re fired!’ And I think the messiah that the rap world has been waiting for is here.”

According to sources close to the album, Robertson’s targets include an array of figures well-known throughout the worlds of music, politics and religion. People said to be lampooned include the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Hugo Chavez, Ariel Sharon, Howard Dean, Oprah, limousine liberals, Jews, the international whaling industry, Creed, Shakira, 50 Cent, Cam’Ron, and Mira Sorvino.

“Now I don’t exactly have a reputation for staying quiet,” the perpetually incensed Robertson admitted. “But it’s time that I stepped up my efforts. Lots of people are talking shit and I’m gonna’ bring the fire and brimstone, old-school style. People better be ducking their heads. Fuck the Wu-Tang, I’m bringing the ruckus!”

The rap world has long celebrated controversial figures. From Chuck D of Public Enemy to Tupac Shakur to Eminem to 50 Cent to Kanye West, the number of albums sold often correlates to the controversy that a rapper can generate. And Robertson has been no stranger to drama, as just month, his comments about the reasons behind Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke rouses the ire of prominent figures across the globe\.

“I mean sure, his comments were a bit inappropriate,” Goldstein admitted. “But that’s what you have to expect with a talented artist like Pat. He’s going to say what’s on his mind. It’s that devil-may-care attitude of his that makes him so damned compelling.”

Goldstein also mentioned that Sony has planned a major promotional kick for Robertson over the next month. He said that Rolling Stone has already scheduled a photo shoot for a cover story on the evangelist turned rapper. Though Goldstein declined to confirm it, rumors have been flying that Robertson will be shown as Jesus on the cover of the magaazine.

But Robertson hasn’t just been attracting fans on the mix-tape circuit and from music industry executives, as some of the biggest names in the rap world have been drawn to his bold flows and insatiable appetite for battling.

“Pat’s the real deal,” multi-platinum selling rapper Kanye West said. “I’ve been producing some of the tracks on his album and I think it’s safe to say that this the best project I’ve ever been a part of. We really bonded over our mutual admiration of God and the chemistry between the two of us is just really off the hook. Wait till you hear him and I on the ‘Jesus Walks Remix.’ Next year at the Grammy’s, people are gonna be sayin’ ‘yo dog who’s that?’ And the only response will be, ‘it’s Pat!”

Robertson himself admitted that his new album will showcase a different, even-more confrontational side of him.

“I think that people who only know me from the 700 Club will really be surprised by this album. The beats are hot, the flow is hot, but at the same time you’re getting to see the world the way Pat Robertson sees it,” Robertson said. “Sinners and rappers best be checking themselves lest they wreck themselves. There’s a new sheriff in town and he ain’t taking any hostages. I’m just gonna’ come out shooting motherfuckers. It’s on like John 3:16, bitches!”

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Look At Me! I’m Hip I’m Cool!

The Grammys remind me of that scene in Austin Powers when Dr. Evil desperately tries to convince his son, Scott that he’s not out-of-touch. So in a last ditch effort to prove his coolness, he says, “Hey, I’m hip, I’m Cool, Tukka, Tukka, Tukka, Tukka, Hey!!!” all while futilely trying to dance the Macarena.

Of course, when Dr. Evil tried to prove his “hipness” via a Spanish language dance sensation (seriously, wtf!) the dance had been out of vogue for at least two years. Essentially, every year the Grammy’s consist of nothing more than a bunch of out of touch record executives vainly trying to be trendy and show to the world exactly how on the ball they are. My point is that both the Macarena and The Grammys are nothing more than the sum of older people’s ideas of what young people think is cool. Of course, I’d rather hear the soothing warblings of Los Del Rio’s “Macarena” any day than have to hear the latest U2 album, but I’ll get there, just wait.

Now I didn’t bother watching the actual ceremony on television. I’d rather blow my brains out than have to sit through three hours of atrocious music performances and insipid acceptance speeches. After all, the list of performers generally read like a list I might’ve compiled of all the most overrated musicians of all time: U2, Kanye West, Coldplay, Madonna, Springsteen. I’m surprised that Paul Simon didn’t perform, that would’ve just made the night complete. And for all this hype, all this money spent on a lavish ceremony and the various pre-parties and after-parties, the viewers tune in to watch awards chosen by a group of people who seem like the types that enjoy going to Club Med and dancing the electric slide at the club discotheque every night. The kinds of people who still use the word discotheque.

But when push comes to shove, you can’t really expect Grammy voters to be too much on the cutting edge (whatever the fuck that is). There are plenty of awards that actually honor talented musicians, The Plug Awards, The Mercury Award, and the BET Awards (okay not so much there). But you can expect them to do a little better than how things turned out. And since I’m a music obsessive, I now present, The Passion of the Weiss’ selective analysis of this year’s Grammy awards.

Record of the Year:
“We Belong Together,” Mariah Carey
“Feel Good Inc.,” Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul”
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams,” Green Day (Winner)
“Hollaback Girl,” Gwen Stefani
“Gold Digger,” Kanye West

In this category, Green Day took home the gold for their song, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” I must say that this song wasn’t terrible. I do like the title and it prolly was Green Day’s best song since “Warning,” but it still wasn’t able to transcend the simple fact that every Green Day song sounds exactly the same. Hey fellas, you’re professional musicians, maybe you could learn a new chord. I know you spend at least two hours a day putting on your makeup, but perhaps you could spend a minute or two trying not to sound like The Clash.

Though I find Kanye West the most overrated musician of the decade thus far, I have to say that for once I agree with him, “Golddigger” was infinitely better than all the other stuff in this category. Even though it did get played out in like five minutes.

Album of the Year
“The Emancipation Of Mimi,” Mariah Carey”
Chaos And Creation In The Backyard,” Paul McCartney
“Love. Angel. Music. Baby.,” Gwen Stefani”
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb,” U2 (Winner)
“Late Registration,” Kanye West

It stands beyond my limited powers of comprehension to understand how anyone in their right mind could make the claim that U2’s “How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb,” was the album of the year. All I have to say about this decision is it harkens back to an Entertainment Weekly cover I saw last year. Coldplay’s tribe of soft rockers stared like befuddled cows, with a headline above them blaring, “Coldplay: Are They the Next U2?” The answer is yes. And they both suck. A lot. They make lifestyle music for H&R Block accountants to fall in love to. Any questions.

Song of the Year:
“Bless The Broken Road” (Rascal Flatts)
“Devils & Dust”Bruce Springsteen, (Bruce Springsteen)
“Ordinary People” (John Legend)
“Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” (Winner) U2)
“We Belong Together” (Mariah Carey)

Guess who took home this award. Yeah, that’s right, U fucking 2 for their bland ballad (do they do any other kind?) “Sometimes You can’t Make it On Your Own.” Though I must admit, the song DOES make sense. You indeed can’t make it on your own. You need millions of lobotomized fans to hang onto your every word of gibberish. Nice work Grammy voters. Why don’t you just name an award after Bono. He really doesn’t get enough acclaim. Forget the fact that Bono WAS named “your so-called” Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, I think he’s completely deserving of all this acclaim.

Best New Artist:
Ciara
Fall Out Boy
Keane
John Legend (Winner)
SugarLand

John Legend took home this trophy and I’m not going to complain about that choice. Competing against Ciara, Fall Out Boy, Keane and SugarLand (what the fuck is SugarLand?), Legend was the only one in this category that might not be in the bargain bin in Amoeba Records in six months. What really annoys me is the fact that these yokels nominated Fall Out Boy. This is a band that is slated to release a song on their next album called “Gay is Not a Synonym For Shitty” (this is true, check out this week’s Rolling Stone). Dear Fall Out Boy, you’re right, Gay is not a synonym for Shitty. But Fall Out Boy definitely IS a synonym for shitty.

BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
In the words of Samuel L. Jackson in any movie he’s ever been in: “Check out these mothafuckas!”
“Don’t Lie,” The Black Eyed Peas
“Mr. Brightside,” The Killers
“More Than Love,” Los Lonely Boys
“This Love,” Maroon 5 (Winner)
“My Doorbell,” The White Stripes

What actually surprised me about these choices is that the Grammy voters actually nominated “My Doorbell,” a very excellent song and one of the best on the White Stripes’ very solid “Get Behind Me Satan” album. What doesn’t surprise me is that it didn’t win. I’m actually going to start a petitition to change the name of this category to “Best Pop Performance by A Duo or Group Without Any Testicles.” That way Maroon 5 can win every time, because there’s no bigger group of pussies than Maroon 5. If there’s anyone who can make me feel tough it would be Adam Levine and that bunch of clowns.

BEST SOLO ROCK VOCAL PERFORMANCE
Okay let’s play SAT prep. Pick out the name that doesn’t belong with the rest.

“Revolution,” Eric Clapton
“Shine It All Around,” Robert Plant
“Devils & Dust,” Bruce Springsteen (Winner)
“This Is How A Heart Breaks,” Rob Thomas
“The Painter,” Neil Young

Give up? Well, then you’re retarded. Because Rob Thomas belongs with the rest of these very talented musicians (yes, even though I dislike Springsteen I acknowledge that he is very talented) the way mayonnaise belongs on a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. And for what it’s worth, I totally believe those rumors about him and Tom Cruise. My evidence: listen to that guy’s music. I’d believe in Nathan Lane’s heterosexuality before I’d believe in Rob Thomas’.

BEST ROCK ALBUM
“X&Y,” Coldplay
“In Your Honor,” Foo Fighters
“A Bigger Bang,” The Rolling Stones
“How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb,” U2 (Winner)
“Prairie Wind,” Neil Young

Ok Grammy voters, here’s the deal: if you’re going to nominate Neil Young for an award, you better give it to him. Why? Because he’s Neil Young. I don’t care how bad Neil Young gets (and he can get bad, see
“Trans” or “This Note’s For You,” I’ll take him over U2 every time. I can’t say that about the Rolling Stones, but for the love of God, even at 82 years old they make U2 seem like a bunch of 7th graders practicing in someone’s basement.

BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM
“Funeral,” The Arcade Fire”
Guero,” Beck
“Plans,” Death Cab For Cutie
“You Could Have It So Much Better,”
Franz Ferdinand
“Get Behind Me Satan,” The White Stripes (Winner)

I’m not going to rip on these nominations, because every one of these albums save for Death Cab’s is quite good. However, Arcade Fire’s album clearly stands out above the rest. Not only is it the best album of the last two years, it’s probably the best album of the decade so far. And I know that this is clearly the obvious blogger statement (because we’re all supposed to LOVE Sufjan Stevens and Arcade Fire), but they’re an unbelievably talented band. In a just world, their name would’ve been substituted for Coldplay’s in every single category.

BEST RAP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP
“Don’t Phunk With My Heart,” The Black Eyed Peas (Winner)
“The Corner,” Common Featuring The Last Poets
“Encore,” Eminem Featuring Dr. Dre & 50 Cent
“Hate It Or Love It,” The Game Featuring 50 Cent
“Wait (The Whisper Song),” Ying Yang Twins

Seriously, are these people smoking crack? “Don’t Phunk With My Heart? What happened Grammy voters? Was “My Humps” too edgy to nominate? The best part about this category was picturing all of these staid 54 year old white men sitting in their living rooms listening to “Wait (the Whisper Song).” I can imagine them yelling to their wives cooking dinner, “Hey Honey, listen to this song. I think it’s making me get jiggy!” Sorry guys, no it isn’t. It definitely isn’t. And if you think that the Black Eyed Peas are the new Arrested Development they aren’t. They’re the new Color Me Badd.

BEST RAP ALBUM
“Be,” Common
“The Cookbook,” Missy Elliott
“Encore,” Eminem
“The Massacre,” 50 Cent
“Late Registration,” Kanye West (Winner)

On my list on 2005 albums, Common’s CD came in #10 overall. It was an excellent work and in my opinion his best from start to finish. It definitely deserved to win this award as “Encore” was mediocre at best. “The Massacre” sounded very much like what would happen if an A&R gave a deal to a mentally retarded person. Missy Elliot is the Rosie O’ Donnell of Rap (nuff’ said). And as for “Late Registration,” my man at the Straight Bangin’ blog said it best. “Late Registration” isn’t a rap album. It’s an
“experimental pop music album.” Period.

Better luck next time. Next year, look for the Grammy voters to decide that pop-punk is the new Grunge. I’ll be sorely disappointed in Avenged Sevenfold, Hawthorne Heights and Good Charlotte don’t win awards. God help us all.

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Arab World Aflame Over a New Set Of Cartoons

As protests and violence continue to rage over a Danish newspaper’s decision to run a series of cartoons linking the prophet Mohammed with violence, the explosive anger within the Muslim world has risen to new heights in the face of the publication of another series of cartoons. In a move deemed insensitive to the ideals of Islam, the New York Times recently re-printed a “Classic Peanuts,” cartoon that featured Lucy Van Pelt tricking Charlie Brown into kicking a football, only to remove it at the very last second just to get a few laughs.

“How can the New York Times believe that they can get away with such an incendiary move, particularly in light of the damage that the Danish newspaper did to Islam?” Iranian Parlimentarian, Ali Muhammed Al- Shakeer said. “The images of Charlie Brown missing the football showcase a disrespect of men that is not tolerated in the Muslim religion. If men are supposed to be superior and forbid females from driving, voting, or leaving the house without donning proper Islamic garb, how are we to view this damning move by the so-called “cartoonist,” Charles Schulz.”

It seemed that the Danish cartoon-related violence that had spiraled out of control over the last week had begun to wane, before Syrian cleric Akbar Al-Hakiri got a hold of a six-month old copy of the Times that he found in a dumpster in downtown Damascus. According to published reports, Al-Hakiri took the cartoons to the scene of the riots and proceeded to explain the cartoon at length to his irritated countrymen.

“At first, it was a little hard for me to understand, because Sheik Al-Hariri had to explain to me exactly who Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt were,” Syrian rioter Waleed Bin Fakr, said. “However, when I finally understood the complex dynamic between the two, I became incensed beyond belief. Who is Lucy to do that to Charlie Brown? How can a bitch like her, dare to desecrate Charlie Brown, a symbol of manhood everywhere? How can this harridan do such a thing to a man with such a snazzy striped shirt? This is an affront to Muslims everywhere. Sheer blasphemy!”

The second wave of the riots spread from Damascus to Kabul, to Afghanistan to Iraq to Peshawar, Pakistan to Niger to Ghana, very much like a game of telephone, with much more fire, cursing and blood. Their furios tenor took the world by surprise. Accordingly, representatives from the West were quick to censure the New York Times’ bold decision to run the Peanuts Cartoons.

“Obviously, it is not a responsible thing for the New York Times to
run cartoons that could possibly defame Islam or the majority of Muslims who practice a peaceful and non-violent form of the religion. Consequently, I apologize for potentially offending anyone,” United States President George W. Bush said. “However, I defend the right of free speech and condemn any acts of violence that have broken out as a result of these cartoons. And I’d also like to add that while I do condemn the aforementioned Peanuts cartoon, I DO in fact love Snoopy. ‘Specially when he pretends to be the Red Baron. Heh Heh Heh.”

But representatives from the New York Times defended their decision to re-print the cartoon, claiming that the images have been wrongly misinterpreted.
“No, no, no, this is just a misunderstanding,” Arthur Salzberger Jr., publisher of the New York Times said. “Charles Schulz did not intend to show a harlot-like woman duping a young man. Rather he just wanted to show a friendly game of football gone terribly awry. The cartoon really just epitomizes the nature of a friendship gone terribly terribly wrong.”

Salzberger also shuddered at the potential effect that the violence may have on free speech.
“Where do we draw the line?” the publisher added. “If not Peanuts, then are we not supposed to run Garfield because we might offend people who don’t like lasagna. Are we not supposed to run Cathy in fear of offending people who have good taste? This is potentially an Orwellian development.”

Despite Bush’s apology and Salzberger’s explanation, the furor in the Muslim world continued unabated and some unexpect them to go on indefinitely.

“To be honest, I’m not sure exactly why I’m rioting,” admitted 16-year old Iranian rioter Shaheed Mubarak. “But let me tell you one thing, it’s sure fun. Everyone’s terrified of us now and I’ve got to be on television twice and in the newspaper once. Hi Mom!! This is so much cooler than sitting at home, wishing I had a job and cursing my own government because our unemployment rate is going to be 52 percent in two years.”

[ed. note: Because we at the Passion of the Weiss are dedicated to free speech, we have taken the brave route of re-publishing the controversial cartoons, unlike some of our brethren in the so-called “mainstream media.” We should like to publicly cite our solidarity with the New York Times and would like to add if any Muslim extremists are reading this blog, then it should be noted that the weblog does not really publish in Los Feliz, but rather it publishes in Fresno. Yes….Fresno. That’s the ticket.]

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The Flaming Inferno O’ Love

When you think of think of NASCAR, what do you think of? Perhaps you think of illiterate redneck drivers who crash into walls under the adoring eyes of Budweiser-soaked fans who pay hundreds of dollars to swelter in the scorching sun. Perhaps, you think of the episode of “The Simpsons” where Maude Flanders is accidentally killed at a motor car racing event when a flying t-shirt knocks her out of the stands and onto the cold hard concrete. Or perhaps you think that most NASCAR fans attend the races as a way to blow off steam after a long and hard night of burning crosses on front lawns.

However, anyone who thinks that NASCAR fans can be simply stereotyped like that is dead-wrong. Indeed, if nothing else NASCAR fans are romantics at heart, just as content to sit at home and grow lovesick while reading Pablo Neruda as they are to give off bloodthirsty yelps while watching Dale Earnhardt VI explode in a fiery wreck.

I remember fondly the first time I attended a NASCAR rally. I met a girl, a Vassar graduate as I recall. She and I exchanged lovelorn glances at each other for a while, before I decided to approach her. Once contact was initiated, we spent a halcyon night, debating Melville and Emerson’s dueling views on humanity, while drinking Miller High Life and hoping that Jeff Allison would beat all those “fucking losers that try to steal his shine!” Such bittersweet memories…

But now finally, a stroke of marketing and sociological genius has occurred. Some brilliant soul has managed to reconcile the difficulty that many NASCAR fans have had in trying to find good literature that appeals to both their desire to enjoy Emily Dickenson as well as Allison Duncan (who’s only like the sexiest NASCAR driver ever…well save, for that Mario Andretti Jr. fellow, he’s dreamy…sigh)

The final solution is here my friends (no, no THAT final solution) and I for one am ecstatic. That’s right, a licensing agreement has been struck between Harlequin Romance novels and NASCAR, and first offspring of this divine duo hits stores this Tuesday (all the fellas’ out there take note: this is the Valentine’s Day gift of the century).

According to a story in USA Today, the novel, a racetrack romance entitled “In the Groove” by Pamela Britton, goes on sale Tuesday — just a few weeks before the Daytona 500 on Feb. 19. Two other NASCAR-themed love stories will be published this year: “On the Edge” by Britton in September and “A NASCAR Holiday” by Kimberly Raye, Roxanne St. Claire and Debra Webb in November.

And lest you not think that these two fan bases are sizable check out these numbers: NASCAR fans buy $2 billion in licensed products annually. Harlequin devotees bought 130 million books last year.

According to the article, the plot concerns down-on-his-luck NASCAR driver Lance Cooper and ex-kindergarten teacher Sarah Tingle. They meet when his car hits her. She gets a bump on the head. He’s driven to distraction. When he looks at Sarah, Cooper “feels like he has been shocked by a loose spark plug wire.”

The article also has a quote from Britton illuminating the incredible appeal of her magnum opus: “NASCAR drivers are heroes,” says Britton. “The books’ appeal is that you can put yourself in the heroines’ shoes.”

Though, the book doesn’t actually come out until next week, I’ve obtained exclusive excerpts from the text. I’ll warn you though, it’s sure to get any NASCAR fan in heat within minutes (or as they might say, “ready to bone.”) And you best believe that Britton puts you in the heroine’s shoes, however tacky they may be.

“In the Groove,”
Chapter 2

When I awoke after the accident, I had never seen a bump on my head so large. But then again, there was something else that was incredibly large, and it was right in front of my eyes. Intrigued, I grew closer to my hero, NASCAR hero, Lance Cooper.

And the race begins, how many of these romance novels will you collect? I’ve already got “In the Groove,” pre-ordered from Amazon, and you best believe that I’ll be collecting all 17. Because let’s get real, be you man or woman, straight or gay, black or white, human, alien, or even if you’re David Gest (I have no idea what planet that freak comes from), nothing says sex and romance like NASCAR. Once I got that special book, all I’m gonna’ wanna’ do is zoom, zoom, zoom and a boom, boom, NASCAR style (with a little bit of Wreckx N-Effect thrown in).

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